A relationship is considered transactional whenever the people involved feel indebted to one another.
This happens when romantic partners keep score,
When friends only help each other expecting a favor in return,
And when parents think of their children as trophies.
I am all too familiar growing up hearing,
I gave birth to you,
The least you can do is keep quiet,
Try harder,
Make me proud,
And so on.
My dad,
On the other hand,
Was the exact opposite.
He often said,
The only thing you have to do in this life is die.
Everything else is a choice,
So do it if your heart is in it,
But never do anything out of obligation.
Thousands of years ago,
Confucius spoke of filial piety,
A child's moral obligation to care for their parents.
This concept is more prevalent in some cultures than others,
But I've also heard parents say,
My children didn't choose to be here,
So they don't owe me anything.
I chose to have them,
So I owe them everything.
It sounds beautiful,
But there is that word implying obligation again.
Oh,
While I'm inclined to agree with my dad that everything except dying is a choice,
I do realize that in some very extreme cases,
Having a choice is a privilege denied to many victims of terrible circumstances.
Short of that,
However,
We aren't talking about privilege right now.
I want us to focus on what you choose to do and the reasons behind it,
And here is why.
For nearly five years,
I've been meeting with people one-on-one to discuss ways of implementing mindfulness into daily routines.
Regardless of their age,
Gender,
Or background,
People from all over the world tell me how much of what they do is out of guilt,
Shame,
Or pressure,
Leaving them feeling trapped.
Whether we are talking about the pressure and sense of obligation to attend family functions,
The shame-filled obligation to become doctors or lawyers when they would rather pursue something else,
And even the guilt-driven sense of obligation to have children when they would rather not.
Obligation causes so much suffering,
And it's completely unnecessary.
Far from suggesting that we stop doing anything for anyone.
I actually strongly believe the famous saying that where there is love,
Nothing is too much trouble,
And there is always time.
When love is present,
We want to show up for others.
Kindness naturally flows out of us even towards strangers,
And when we love life,
We become generous with our time,
Energy,
And resources.
But when love is absent,
And we operate from a place of obligation,
We don't say yes authentically,
We do it resentfully.
I will concede that we all have responsibilities,
Of course,
And I myself made certain commitments in my life that I do not regret.
In fact,
I consider it a calling and a blessing to honor those commitments.
The Buddha called these responsibilities self-imposed duties,
But they aren't obligations.
People get married and vow to be faithful to one another,
Which is a beautiful promise,
But not an obligation.
People go to work every day to honor their contract,
But it's not an obligation.
And heck,
Paying taxes is the law,
But still,
Not an obligation.
We all make our own choices and we pay our own prices.
That's what this is about.
Doing everything with love or not at all.
Even writing a check to the electric company every month,
I do it with a smile on my face because I get to flip a switch and voila,
There is light.
I am grateful,
Not resentful.
Every year,
My friend invites me over for Thanksgiving,
But I don't like how loud and crowded it gets,
So I stay home.
If you consider that rude,
I challenge you to ask yourself why you think that is.
Who told you that you have to do what you don't want to?
I am describing a genuine,
Beautiful friendship in which I am not owed an invitation,
Nor am I obligated to attend.
And while I think it's incredible,
Many people think there are rules you have to follow,
But who made up those rules and who says you have to follow them?
During our monthly discussion about this topic,
Someone said they feel an obligation to themselves to live their best and most authentic life.
Eknath Iswaran invited us to think of our body as the one and only jacket that our soul gets to wear in this lifetime.
He asked,
Are you going to take care of that jacket,
Or are you going to throw it on the ground and treat it like trash?
I think it's a beautiful call to action to establish what the Buddha called self-imposed duties,
And even a vow to live in alignment with certain precepts,
Moral compass,
And ethical standards.
It's a choice,
Not an obligation.
Too many people suffer through the motions because they see no other way out,
Sometimes coerced,
Manipulated,
And even bullied into submission.
They feel stuck,
They feel obligated,
They say they have to do various things,
Thereby identifying as victims,
Weighed down by the heavy weight of obligation that is not theirs to carry.
Paradoxically and most troubling,
Many of those same people end up using guilt,
Shame,
And pressure to form new transactional relationships of their own,
Mistreating others in the same ways they have been mistreated themselves,
Continuing the vicious cycle of debt and obligation.
My role,
So to speak,
Is to hold up a mirror to reflect how much of our suffering is self-inflicted so we can put an end to it.
The Buddha said,
Work out your own salvation,
And I am simply here to encourage you to do exactly that.
Liberate yourself from the confines of obligation,
And go forth with love and gratitude in your thoughts,
Words,
And actions.
It's a beautiful way to stop feeling trapped,
And more like an uncaged,
Free bird.
