Welcome.
Thank you so much for joining me for this short talk.
I'm going to be sharing some strategies on setting and keeping goals from a place of heart and tension.
And it is really looking at how we can cultivate positive emotions to fuel us forward towards our goals.
So just a really quick disclaimer that everything I share with you is purely for educational purposes only and is not intended a psychological treatment or intervention of any kind.
So if you are in need of such treatment,
I encourage you to seek the guidance of a local licensed mental health professional.
And one other just order of business that I encourage you,
If you're able to have a piece of paper and pen handy,
Because there will be some points along the way where I'll encourage you to write some things down.
And if you don't,
No worries,
You can just do this in your head as well.
So I chose this topic because I know that many of us have the best of intentions,
Setting goals for ourself,
Wanting to stick to those goals,
And yet finding that it can be really hard to do that.
In fact,
I came across an interesting statistic that about 80 percent of people who have a New Year's resolution beginning of January.
By the time they reach February,
Feel like somehow they have failed or that they've given up on their goal.
And to me,
This really speaks to human nature.
That there's something that's difficult and challenging about changing our behavior.
So what I'd like to do today is to share these four strategies with you.
And I think.
Can be helpful for any kind of goals that we have.
And.
And we're going to get to that shortly.
But so just to kind of throw out a question to consider here.
What do you think,
If you could put in a word or a phrase,
Is most blocking you from reaching your goals.
What is it that is most challenging that gets in the way for you?
For some people,
For example,
It might be time constraints.
It might be stress.
Anxiety.
It's off the heart.
Negative self-talk.
Procrastination.
Just make a note to yourself.
Of what you think it is that is your biggest obstacle for being able to move forward.
For some of the goals that you have I want to look first at this idea of What gets in the way of making goals so difficult?
But one more invitation here,
Just before we dive into that,
Which is to write down,
If you can.
Whatever your current goal is,
A current goal,
Just to pick one.
That you have right now for yourself.
So it could be one you've been working on.
It might be one that you come up with in this moment.
It certainly doesn't have to be anything grandiose.
But whatever that is,
If you do have pen and paper,
Really put it down on paper so you can look at it,
Read it back.
Either way,
Just saying it out loud in your own mind.
And I want you to really notice as you look at this.
So it might be,
You know,
I want to stop eating junk food.
I want to exercise more.
I want to write that book.
I want to not yell so much,
Whatever that is.
To take a look at that,
Say that out loud,
And then notice what's happening in your body.
Noticing is there openness?
Or is there more constriction?
Is there tightening?
Is there relaxing?
Softening.
Does this saying this goal in your mind make you want to move towards it?
Or move away from it.
Is there joy?
Peace.
Self judgment.
Doubt.
Just notice whatever comes up.
We will come back to this.
We'll circle back to this in a little bit.
So what does make it so hard for us to.
.
.
Stick to our goals.
I think that Kelly McGonigal,
Who is a health psychologist at Stanford University,
Describes it really well.
And she talks about how it's as if we have these two competing selves.
We have one self,
Which is this impulsive self,
Which wants immediate gratification.
And that part of the self is actually regulated by the midbrain.
And part of that midbrain you may be familiar with,
That fight or flight response that we can get engaged in.
Can perceive threats and kind of put us into a more defensive stance.
And so this part of the brain that wants,
And part of ourself,
Wants that immediate gratification.
Then we have this Y cell.
Which knows what's best for us,
Which really wants what's best for our long-term wellbeing and knows what that is.
And that part of our self is mediated by.
This medial prefrontal cortex.
So when we want to change behavior,
It's as if we have these two conflicting parts of our brain.
At play.
And so the strategies that I'm going to be sharing with you are ones that can really help us access some of our wise self and can help to dial down some of that fight or flight response,
Some of that stress response,
That feeling of maybe threat,
Even that sometimes we can experience when we're approaching a goal.
And several of these strategies are inspired by Kelly McGonagall's work.
So the first thing that I want to share with you,
The first strategy is really a tool that I call the beacon.
So imagine that picture that you're.
On a ship or that you just picture a ship in the middle of the ocean.
In the dark.
Trying to navigate its way.
There's just water stretching endlessly.
It might be very hard to.
.
.
Find its way,
Especially if there are storms that come along,
High winds that blow it off course.
But if you picture a beacon,
This flashing light far off in the distance.
And that ship is able to keep that beacon in sight.
Then no matter what's happening,
Even if there are storms that blow it off course,
It can right itself.
It can use that beacon to continually guide it.
To the direction that it wants to move until it finds its way safely.
Back home or where it wants to be.
And so it's if each of us actually has or can create this kind of a beacon for ourselves.
And why is the beacon so helpful when we're talking about setting goals?
One of the reasons is because When we want to change a behavior,
It often involves some kind of discomfort.
Whether we're maybe tolerating a craving.
Or we're stepping out of our comfort zone in some way,
Or putting effort into something where maybe we'd rather be doing something else in that moment.
And so when we have this beacon in front of us.
When we can really connect in with,
Which I'll talk about in just a moment,
Your why.
Then this can be kind of like a guidepost,
Helping you navigate,
Helping you stay the course,
Even when the going gets a little rough.
And so this beacon is really.
Why this goal is so deeply important to you.
Often we focus on the what,
Kelly McGonigal talks about this,
And I love her work in this area,
And really being able to shift our focus of awareness to why is this goal so deeply important to me?
Connects us with our deeper values.
And so I encourage you to go back and look at the goal that you wrote down for yourself.
And to ask yourself this question and to really write down the answer if you're able.
Why is that goal that you have so deeply important to you?
What inner values does it connect you with?
That are most important for you in your life.
And I want to share some examples.
So if somebody has a goal of I want to lose weight or I want to start exercising,
That's the what.
But maybe the why is I want to have vibrant health and energy to run around with my grandchildren or my children.
Maybe somebody has a goal.
I want to declutter my house.
And the why of that might be,
I want to have a peaceful,
Organized,
And joyful space to come home to at the end of the workday so I can unwind and be my best self.
Or maybe somebody has a goal.
I want to stop yelling at my partner.
And the why of that might be,
I want to cultivate a deep and loving connection with my partner where we can both feel heard and understood.
So once you have your why,
I encourage you to really drop back into your body for a moment.
And to notice what of motions.
Are available to you when you connect in with that why.
What positive emotions are available to you that may not have been there otherwise?
That could help be a resource in moving you forward.
And I know for me,
Just a personal example of even doing some of these events,
There's a little bit of discomfort.
There's a little bit of nervousness in this.
And when I can hold on to my why,
You know,
That I'm really passionate about helping people cultivate wellbeing in their lives and sharing what I've learned with others,
That really helps me to overcome any anxious energy and nervous energy in order to really go forward and do those things that I want.
Okay.
So the second strategy I want to share with you is this.
Really.
Identifying what is it that you want to say yes to.
So the Y connects us in with our deeper values.
But the what is that we want to say yes to can really help us to focus more on those behaviors that we want to.
Embrace that we want to move towards.
And often we have goals and we focus more on what we don't want,
You know,
So I want to stop procrastinating.
And so just notice the difference between that and.
I want to say yes to the freedom of finishing things in a timely fashion.
Or perhaps,
You know,
I want to stop yelling so much at my kids.
And listen to that versus connecting in with the yes.
I want to say yes to calm,
Patient,
And connected interactions with my kids.
Even when we may frame something in a more positive way,
I want to lose weight.
Um something that we're moving towards.
Listen to that.
Notice how that feels versus I want to say yes to healthy,
Nourishing foods that give my body vibrant energy.
Or I want to start exercising.
Versus I want to say yes to the joy of moving my body.
So once again,
Encouraging you to pause here and to take a look at that initial goal.
And what behaviors might you want to say yes to?
Really ones that in particular enliven you,
That energize you.
And notice how your body feels when you identify some of those yes behaviors and put that language around it,
That the words that we say to ourselves.
Can be so powerful in terms of whether we want to move towards or away.
From something.
So really finding our yes.
And then once you have that yes,
Dropping into your body and noticing what emotions are available to you.
That maybe weren't there before.
Help create that fuel,
That inspiration to move forward.
So.
Let's move on to the third strategy.
And this one is one that may seem a little bit simplistic or one that you may have heard of before,
But I think it's a place where a lot of people can really get tripped up.
And as I've seen over the years.
And that is this idea of breaking things down into very small steps.
So one place that we can go astray,
I think where a threat response could get turned on,
Is if we feel like something is overwhelming.
And it makes it easier than for us to give up.
You know,
We can get caught in all or nothing thinking.
We could set the bar too high.
And then we can feel like I wasn't able to follow through with that.
So,
You know,
What's the point?
So when we can break things down into very small,
Concrete steps that are achievable,
It accomplishes two things.
One is that it helps us from not feeling so overwhelmed,
Which I think is really critical.
And the second thing is that it gives us inertia to get started.
And this is the other really big place that I think people can get.
A little stuck is it's that getting started that can be so hard sometimes for many people.
So again,
Listen to these goals.
I want to get my house organized.
Maybe that feels like way too much.
Or,
You know,
I want to lose weight or I want to start exercising.
For some people,
That might feel daunting.
But what if we break that down into a really small step?
I want to organize my desk drawer tomorrow.
I want to commit to drinking water and no sugary drinks tomorrow.
I want to go for a 10 minute walk during my lunch break.
So just by making these small manageable steps,
It helps our brain from going into that fight or flight response.
And in that shutdown mode.
Makes it feel a little bit more doable.
More approachable.
And really this extra tip of making it really small,
Maybe even smaller than it seems.
Worthwhile,
But I think that there's something really important in this.
So if you want to start exercising,
Maybe it's really picking that,
I just want to go walk for five minutes.
For the next.
Four days.
Let's say five minutes,
That doesn't seem like much.
But it's really that getting started,
Creating that inertia.
And then you can kind of set it for yourself so that I'm going to take inventory after five minutes.
If I'm done,
I'm done.
And if I want to keep going,
I'll keep going.
And most people,
Once they get started,
They have this momentum that wants to really propel them forward.
So the fourth strategy that I want to share with you is one that I think is often overlooked.
And it's really this idea of developing the compassionate Inner coach.
The inner nurturer versus the self-critical judge.
And so let me share a quick story to illustrate this.
Being on high school soccer fields.
Okay,
There's two fields.
And we have player A on the first field who's having a difficult practice.
And the coach comes up to player A and yells,
You know,
What the heck is wrong with you?
You look like you haven't practiced in weeks.
You're such a disappointment.
In the other field,
There's student B,
Who's also having similar difficulties.
And the coach comes up to student B and says,
Hey,
Looks like you're having a harder time today.
Practice.
Are you feeling OK?
Let's see if we can work on that quick foot action that I know I've seen you do so well.
So which coach do you think would be more motivating for their students?
Which athlete would be more willing or excited to come back to practice the next day.
Which person would you want to have as coach?
And yet,
In reality,
We are often like that first coach to ourselves.
We are often extremely self-critical.
We judge ourselves and especially so when we veer off course,
When we have a difficult day,
We can really be hard on ourselves.
And even for many people,
We believe that we need to do this in order to reach our goal.
But in fact,
Research has shown that it's the opposite,
That when we are that harsh inner critic.
It actually shuts us down and inhibits us from moving forward.
And when we can be more of that inner nurturer.
Really coming at it from a voice of self compassion.
We can move forward more easily towards our goals.
And so.
The whole topic probably could be a course in itself.
But just encouraging you right now to take a few minutes to go back one more time,
Looking at your goals and to think about what might that.
Nurturing.
Voice of self-compassion or that encouraging coach sound like.
In terms of helping you move towards your goals.
And you might think about this voice as one that you might have as if you were talking to a good friend.
And encouraging them.
To move forward towards something that's important to them.
And if they were to veer off course,
If they were to have a difficult day.
What is the language?
What is the voice?
What is the tone that you would speak to them?
And what things would you say that would be encouraging,
That would help them?
Really want to come back and continue at it.
The next day and in the next moments.
So encouraging you to write that down.
And to play with this,
To really play with each of these four strategies.
And to see if it may help you by tapping into some of these positive emotions that we're cultivating here.
And using those positive emotions then to fuel you forward towards your goals.
I wish you the very best and I hope that these strategies are helpful to you.
Take care.
