by Dené Logan
Learn how to balance the delicate dance between seeking connection and needing space in your relationship. By understanding your childhood patterns, you can stop the cycle of pursuit and withdrawal to rediscover a natural sense of harmony and attraction.
Meet your Teacher
Los Angeles, CA, USA
Transcript
All right. So let's talk about the practical work of what it looks like to maintain passion in our relationships. And to me, This is really the work of attempting to balance out our relational polarity. So polarity is like the erotic charge that exists between two people. We're like magnets, Right? And so it's what draws two people towards one another or ends up repelling two people over time. And what's interesting about our romantic relationships is that normally we are drawn to our opposite, That opposites attract. But what ends up happening in our relationships is the same thing that we were drawn to in another person in the beginning is the same thing that we start to feel a deep sense of frustration about in terms of that person not experiencing the world the way that I do. And so normally in our relationships, One person is oriented towards a longing for a little bit more stability while the other person is oriented towards a longing for a little bit more freedom. You'll hear people describe this as being the more anxiously attached person versus the more avoidantly attached person. But essentially what we're talking about is one person longing for a little bit more connection in the relationship while the other person is longing for a little bit more autonomy. But what's most important to understand about romantic polarity is that it's not a fixed state of arrival. It should be like a constant dance that exists between two people where each person really does their own work, Checking in with themselves and noticing where they are in any given moment in terms of their energy so that they can work to bring a sense of healthy polarity and harmony back into the relationship dynamic, Right? So let's say you're the person who longs for more connection in your relationship and you're in a relationship with someone who works a lot, Likes a lot more freedom than you do. Sometimes it seems like they feel overwhelmed by the relationship responsibilities and what it is to be in a relationship, Right? You feel like you're in a state of constantly attempting to communicate your relational needs in a way that it feels like they're just not getting it. To meet you there or really attempt to understand how you're feeling, Right? What's happening here is that a pursuer distancer dance has ensued between you and your partner. And so. . . The more that you attempt to pull that person in towards you, The more that they're going to be an energetic resistance. Now, This has to do with each person's attachment wounding and what ends up feeling like love to each person energetically in a relationship, Right? And so. . . If this is you and you're the person who is longing for a little bit more connection in your relationship, What I want to ask you to think about is a couple questions. So first off, What feels historic here? What parent or caregiver used to behave in a similar way, In a similar energetic to the way that I'm experiencing my partner? What parent did I long to have a little bit more time with, A little bit more connection with? What parent did I maybe feel rejected by often, Right? And so once you've sort of explored what caregiver that might be for you, I want you to think about if I had a magic wand and your partner could behave in the ideal way, Right? If exactly the way that you are longing for them to show up. Inevitably they just started to show up in that way. What would that look like, Right? What would they say? What would they give to you? And here's the important question to think about from there. How could you start to work on giving yourself some of the things that you are longing for from your partner, Right? So the stability that you're looking for from your partner, You start to play with providing that stability to yourself first, Right? Now, Let's say you're the person, On the other hand, Who longs for a little bit more autonomy, A little bit more freedom normally in relationships, Right? So you might be in a relationship with someone who is constantly pointing out the ways that they feel disconnected from you or, You know, The ways that they would like to spend more time together and that they don't feel like you're prioritizing the relationship. Maybe you're experiencing this person as critical, Maybe a bit needy, And it's starting to breed what feels like feels like resentment on your part, Right? Maybe you even feel like a caged animal and that you're unable to be the fullest, Boldest expression of yourself when you're in this relationship and you find yourself feeling a sense of ambivalence often. Like, Do I want to be in this relationship or not? And maybe you're even imagining that you might be a little bit happier if you were single, Right? So the questions I want you to play with asking yourself are, What was your relationship to being responsible for other people's needs when you were in childhood, Right? Were you a parentified child? And a parentified child is sort of a term that we use in psychology to describe children who were really brought in on the emotional needs of their parents before they were emotionally prepared to be responsible for those needs, Right? On the relationship conflict that they were experiencing with your other parent, Or maybe they were telling you about all of their stresses and you felt responsible as a child for what your parent was experiencing emotionally in a way that often maybe felt overwhelming to you, Right? And so if this is something that is feeling familiar or something that you resonate with, What I want you to play with is leaning into the idea of how you might start to be a little bit more vulnerable with your partner about where you feel overwhelmed by the relational needs between you, Right? Ask yourself what it might feel like if you were the one receiving from your partner, If you were receiving support, Witness to you versus you always being the one witnessing someone else's needs, Right? I also want you to play with thinking about where might you be able to lean into experiencing a little bit more pleasure in your life in general, Right? Where can you lean into having a little bit more fun? Where can you make space for play and creativity and imagination? Maybe in some ways that you didn't get to have access to when you were younger, How can you start to give yourself some of those things in your adult life, Right? So. This is about taking ownership of the fact that the freedom that you're looking for from your partner, You can start to offer a little bit of that freedom to yourself first, Right?
