In this episode of Life, Lessons, & Laughter, Glenn dives into the topic of conscious communication. What does healthy communication look like in all types relationships, including romantic, family, business, friendships, etc?
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Jamao al Norte, Dominican Republic
Transcript
Welcome to Life Lessons and Laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose. Hello everybody. Welcome to the podcast. Ben, Join us. Thank you. I will. What are we talking about today, Glenn? Golf? I don't know anything about golf. I know very little. Let's just change it then since we don't really know what we're talking about. We'll talk about conscious communication. Alright. That sounds fun. Sounds like it'd probably be more beneficial to my audience than golf. Yeah, That does sound true. So, Alright. Conscious communication. I don't know what that is. Sure you do. It's communicating consciously. Clear it up for you? Yes. How do I do that? I've never done that. Well, It really is about. . . I'm just going to do one more podcast called Slowing Down and then we're not going to record anything ever again. That makes sense. It's about slowing down and just communicating what you really need. It's about figuring out what you need before you try communicating it. Going within and just gaining clarity on what you actually need. Most of how we talk is in symptoms. I do this when I work all the time. When I'm listening, What are you laughing at? I just am thinking about how much I could have used this podcast at any point in the last six months. Continue. We need to be clear on what we're trying to say before we're saying it. When I'm working, Usually people are talking to me and of course I'm listening to their words, But I'm not hyper focused on their words. I'm just paying attention. I'm actively listening. Yes, I'm listening to their words, But I'm completely engaged in what they're saying. What happens is whenever they say something that hints to the actual problem, It jumps out at me and grabs my attention. If somebody talks for two minutes, They might say three things. Then usually they're pointing to the same thing underneath the core of the issue. As I'm actively listening, I can see what the actual problem is. What they said was always just symptoms of that problem. It wasn't the problem itself. What people do is we get caught up in the details all the time. We're trying to manage and micromanage the details of our lives. It's like, Oh well this wasn't right, So we need to adjust that and this wasn't right. We need to adjust that and that and that. A lot of times that's just pointing to the thing that's on it deeper at the core. Once we get clarity on that, That's where we connect with people. That's where there's understanding because on the surface there's different opinions. Well this should be done this way. Well I think it should be done that way. There's different opinions on a lot of things because it's very surface-y. If you get down to the bottom and you go like in a relationship, You're having difficulty talking through things. All of a sudden you start a conversation by going, What I really want is to feel close to you. I really want to have a loving relationship with you. I feel like we've been on each other's nerves a lot lately and I don't like being in a relationship like that. I like feeling close and loving and that's what I really want to get. Oh well that sounds nice and then all of a sudden the conversation goes better because both sides want that. Nobody wants to be in a crappy relationship. So once you meet at the bottom where you can connect, Where you have unity, Where people want the same thing, It's deeper. It's closer to the truth. It's underneath everything. We connect there and then work our way back up towards the top. Then we're not busy trying to defend our position all the time. Yeah but I see it this way. Yeah that has nothing to do with the issue. The issue is I want to have a good relationship with you. That's the problem. So how do we accomplish having a good relationship? Then you can start working towards that solution because you have clarity on what the problem is and you're united on what it is. You feel me? I do. Yeah I think that knowing, You know, I was saying the other day that one of the things that I've gotten pretty good at recently is not agreeing to things. Not taking on new projects that I don't know the intention of and I don't know how it's going to end up at the end. You know what I mean? I haven't taken on new business that is a shot that I might not make. You know what I mean? But in communication with friends and family I often start talking before I know what I'm saying. And because of that I end up doing it very unconsciously. And it's definitely led to several communication issues. Well that's the people pleaser in there. Which is your go-to. So it's like we all have go-tos. There's that. There's the people pleaser in me and then there's also the throwing spaghetti at a wall guy. You know what I mean? The people pleaser is like that definitely happens all the time. It happens with you and I. But then there's also different types of relationships, Ben, Where I don't know what I'm saying when I'm saying it. And then I'm like, Is that really the point that I wanted to make? And then later I completely contradict myself and I'm like, Oh wow, Yeah, I haven't even started this conversation thinking about where I wanted it to end. Or like what I actually wanted. And everything that I'm saying is true but they're coming at it from all different angles because I haven't given myself time to formulate my conscious thought on a situation. Right. And that's such a good example of what we're talking about. Because honestly, Most people do that. It's a big deal. Many, Many, Many people do this. Why? Because we're living unconsciously. So you're bringing consciousness into any specific area including our communication and it's a big, Big deal. I can't count how many times clients have come to me and said, We talked about how to solve a relationship issue. And we'll go into detail about it and be like, Okay, So you got it? Yeah, Okay, Good. And then they'll go back and they'll come back and talk to me and I'll go, Okay, So how did it go? They're like, Oh, Nothing changed. I'm like, So what were the consequences that you implemented? And they're like, Well, What do you mean? I'm like, Well, What do you do? Well, We talked about it. Yeah, How many times have you talked about it before? Oh, I can't even count. Right. Then why did you think that that was going to change anything? Talking about things doesn't change anything. And that's our big thing. I think it's one of the most frustrating things in a relationship when you talk about things and they don't change. So what you do is you talk about them again and then they don't change and then you talk about them again and then they don't change. That's the frustrating, That's when things get frustrating. So it's about being really clear on what, Like in relationships, I'm usually like, And this can be in any relationship, Like go into a conversation with, Like you said, What do you want to get out of it? Like, What's the result? So let's say there's two people in a relationship and they say, Well, You know, I like I want to we don't go out and spend any time together anymore. So I want to go out and spend, You know, One on one time with my partner. It's like, OK, So going to your partner and going, I would like to start. Having one on one time with you and talking about that for half an hour and then going back to your regular lives, That's probably not going to change anything. Because there's no divisive action, There's no actual, There's no result that you're looking to get. You're just discussing things and nobody knows what to do. Even if you go, Well, We should go out to dinner once a week. Oh, OK. And then it never happens. And then you wonder why. So make a plan like, You know, Like, OK, Like if you have a problem, You actually have to locate the solution. And then you have to implement the solution. You know, It's my three steps to solving any problem. The problem is, Is that you're not connecting with your partner and you would you would like some one on one contact. OK, How are you going to achieve that? You have to pick the day, The time. You have to be on the same page. If something comes up, You have to do it anyway or reschedule. Don't cancel reschedule. You know, Like you actually have to put energy towards the solution. So it's being really clear on what you want to get out of the conversation. Because most people just talk about things randomly and there's no actual solution that they come to. So therefore there's nothing to implement. So therefore it never changes. You know, So, You know, That's just one example of when you start really getting clear on what you want to talk about and what you would like to happen as a result of that conversation. You know, Like you said, Stop and get clear on what your position is and what you want to talk about before you start talking. Yeah, I mean, I for sure need to do that. I do the opposite of that. I start talking and then I try to work my way into what my position is on it. And I mean, I literally, Literally, Like before we started recording was in the middle of a conversation where three or four times in the middle of the conversation, I had to stop and go, What do I mean by what I just said? You know, And it's specific, Like there are specific things where you get, When they're like important relationships to you, Like your closest friends or your significant others or whatever, Where you are either like guarded or you have, You know, And then you end up saying things that you don't mean because sometimes it's because of people pleasing, Like you said, And other times it's, You know, Not trying to show a vulnerability for yourself. Or, You know what I mean? Like there's a lot of different avenues of all the ways that I can screw up a conversation. Well, And you're not alone, You know, I mean, My parents used to tell me that I should be a lawyer because like I could. Mine too. So it's, You know, That's, And one of my memories in high school was my best friend telling somebody else that was arguing with me. They're like, They were trying to get my friend on their side. And like I grew up with this kid since I was like four. And he was like, I'm not getting in on that. He's like, You're trying to argue with Glenn. You can't argue with Glenn. Because he's like, Yeah, But I'm right. He goes, It doesn't matter if you're right. Because what's going to happen is even if you start out right, Eventually he'll gradually somehow start shifting positions until you're standing in his point and he's standing in yours and you'll have lost. And I don't know how he does it, But you can't argue with him. And I remember that in high school and I, You know, It's not that I never do it, But I try, I spent a lot of conscious effort to not be that person because I was like, Geez, That's annoying. You know, It's like, So I try to really stick to facts and get very simple and be open to being wrong. You know, It's, Which is one of the, You know, It's, I didn't know we were going to go here, But it's one of the best things that we can do. This might even be another podcast at some point. It's being right is most oftentimes the worst thing that we can be. Because nothing, And I saw Tolle, I think it was Tolle post some meme or something about it a while back. And it said something like, Being, There's no better way to increase your ego than being right. So like, We think that we want to be right because it feeds our ego. You know, It's, We just, We feel vulnerable when we're not right. And we're worried about, You know, And this is all unconscious, Of course, We're worried about what other people are going to think if we're not right. And we will defend our point till the cows come home or try to shift things around so we can change our point so we don't have to admit we're wrong all the time. And we do the same thing with quiet space and conversations too. We think that there's not, Like if somebody stops talking, We think that we have to start talking immediately. There can't be any like quiet time in the middle of a conversation. And by quiet time, I'm talking about one or two seconds. When there's that gap in time, Anxiety builds and somebody jumps in and tries to fill it, You know, Which is how unconscious we are when we're talking. So it's like, It's okay to give when I really started working on this myself, Like I started working, One of the times I started working on this was when I decided to be honest. So I was watching everything that came out of my mouth because I was being honest in every single possible way. Not even any little white lies, Nothing. So I had to watch every single thing that I said because I mean, I was a pretty honest person, But I did see how, You know, Oh yeah, I'll try to go to that thing when I had no intention of going. You know, Stuff like that. I was trying to monitor that stuff. So I needed to slow down and really watching the words that were coming out of my mouth and just not talking so much and allowing space to be there. I found out that half the conversations that I was involved in, When there was especially more than one other person, Most people didn't even care about my opinion. I could just sit there and shut up and not speak and nobody even noticed. I was like, Wow, Like I don't have to talk as much as I do. And then, You know, And then having those quiet spaces, It was interesting because I saw people notice that there was a delay in my response. And they'd be like, Sometimes they'd call me on it. They'd be like, Wow, That was really, You really thought about that for a minute before you answered, Didn't you? Like, Yeah. Maybe like, Wow, I really appreciate that. They actually enjoyed it because it wasn't just a regurgitated unconscious response. The way we're conditioned is everything happens so fast and we're so unconscious that stimuli comes in and a conditioned response kicks out instantly. That's unconscious communication. We don't even know what we're saying because we haven't thought about it. It's just when somebody says this type of thing, We say this type of thing. It's a computerized reaction that's programmed in our brain. You know, We've been exposed to so many things over the years that a certain version of stimuli comes in and we have a preconditioned version of what we kick back out. And we just do it completely unconsciously and it's instant, You know? So that sacred pause is so important. A half a second, A couple seconds. Hey, Can I get back to you on that? Hey, You know, I want to think this through and make sure I give you a well thought out answer. I don't want to just say yes because I know that's what you want to hear. Oh, You know, I say that to people kind of regularly. Like people think, I think people think that I jump into big decisions very quickly or I just don't give a crap or something and that's completely not true. I think things through very well. It's just that I don't say one thing and then do another usually, You know? Like if I'm getting involved in something new with somebody, Like a business relationship or something, Almost always I do not, Probably always, I don't give anybody an answer the day of about anything. Like, Let me think it over, You know, If it's a new situation. Like, Let me think about it because I don't want to make an emotional decision and I'll let you know tomorrow if that's okay. I do that type of stuff all the time, You know? So I think we can do that. I hope so. It really is about slowing down and thinking about what you want to say before you start saying it. And having a goal to conversations, A specific goal that you want to get to is helpful. Yeah, That would be great. What about when the, What about like, How do you communicate when you keep changing your mind on something? How do you communicate like clearly and consciously? Like if you, You know, If slowing down, Like there's a point where you have to get back to somebody on something. And if you need to take more than a moment, Like, And this might be a completely different topic of like, How do you make a decision? But, You know, When you're having a crisis of conscious about a situation in whatever way, Small or large, And you have to make a decision or get back to somebody or you have to communicate. When you have to communicate, But you're in a fog as to what you're trying to communicate, How do you communicate that? Well, I think the first thing that you do is you say exactly that. Like, Tell the person what's going on. Like everybody has battled moments of indecision. So if you're supposed to get back to somebody and, You know, Like a lot of times we can't make decisions, It's usually one of two things and yeah, This could be a good podcast. One of two things, It's either just straight fear or that we don't have enough information. Those are really the two main reasons why we can't make decisions, You know? So if it's fear, Then it's like, Well, You know, Usually one solution goes towards love and one solution goes towards fear. So you can try to navigate that. Why would I not do this? Well, Because I'm scared it's not going to turn out right. You know, What if they don't like me? Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. Like those fear, Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear, You know? It's like, Well, Why would I do it? Well, Because I really want to and it would enhance my life. Okay, That's love. So there's your answer. You know, Like so you can use that for a decision or you might just need to gather more information, But just let people know what's going on. You know, If you don't know what to do, You say, Listen, You know what? I don't know what to do. Maybe we could just have a conversation about it so I can gather more information. Hear your perspective. What's your perspective? I'm just not sure what to do. You know, There's a part of me that kind of wants to, There's a part of me that doesn't. So why don't we, You know, It's okay to have a vague conversation without a conclusion needed in these situations. Like there's not one size fits all. You know, It's good to have a particular conclusion in certain, When that's what you're looking for. But in a situation like this, You're not looking for a conclusion. You're just looking to gather more information so you can have a gathering more information talk. What about when the other person is the person that's a hard time to have a conversation with? You know what I mean? Like if somebody isn't communicating well with you, How do you deal with that? How do you consciously communicate with somebody who isn't doing that back? I mean, You know, There's only, You just got to try, You know, And maybe try to lower their defenses. That's usually the first thing. Because if somebody isn't communicating well, It's probably because their defenses are up. You know, It's an expression of fear. So, You know, And like, You know, My go-to can be frustration and anger. So like, You know, And that's the worst thing because when your defense mechanism is anger or frustration, Then it's very easy for everybody in the world to judge you. Because you're attacking and people don't like to be attacked. Who likes to be attacked, Right? You know, And it's very easy to go, Well, He's attacking me. So he's wrong and he's bad and he's this. So I mean, You know, Like which kind of sucks having a go-to, You know, My go-to anger. That's why I keep working on it to try to, I'm not using it as an excuse. I continue trying to work on it. But it's no different than any other defense mechanism. Just because anger looks worse doesn't mean it's any different or easier to control than any other defense mechanism. You know, People just get quiet or they run away. Those are other defense mechanisms. So looking at somebody that gets angry sometimes and going, They should never get angry. That's like saying you should never close off. You should never run away. Try that. You know, Try just turning off your defense mechanism and never doing it ever again. Because somebody said it wasn't good. Like it's not that easy, You know. So we have to understand that all defense mechanisms are based in fear. Doesn't matter what they look like on a surface. Doesn't matter if it's anger or running away or freezing. It's fear based. So you know, You can go to them and you know, Maybe try to lower their defenses a little bit and be like, Hey, I want to, I really want to come to a conclusion on this with you. And then so this goes right back towards the beginning of the conversation. Get down to the core. Don't argue about what's up here. Get down underneath. You know, That's the best way to lower people's defenses. If they feel attacked, The defenses go up. So if we get underneath to the core issue where we can connect, Where we both want the same thing. Hey, We both want this to work. Yes. Okay. How do we make that happen? Oh, Look, Solutions start popping up. You know, Instead of staying up here going, Yeah, But I see it this way. I see it that way. I see it this way. I see it that way. There's never any ground that's made there. So it's going underneath, You know, Getting to the common ground and then working back up. That makes sense. Yeah, This has been a great episode for me personally. You know, Communicating is something it's weird because in some ways I'm an excellent communicator. And then when it's anything that like really matters, Though, I, You know, Completely close off in regards to that. So this has been a wonderful episode for that. Is there any type of just I'm obviously like you said, Slow down is really the. Yeah, Slow down and yeah, Just kind of, You know, I think it's, You know, Getting to the core of getting underneath, You know, Really. And it's communicating consciously, You know, Getting, Slowing down and really thinking about what we want to say or what's important. And if we go underneath, I think we always have to go underneath because that's all our arguments are on the surface. You know, Everybody argues about one solution or another solution or one perspective or another perspective. But if you look underneath at the bottom, Everybody wants the same thing. If it's business, You want a good working relationship. That's what you want. Who wants a bad working relationship? You know, If it's in a romantic relationship, Everybody wants a good romantic relationship. Nobody wants a bad one. So communicate and connect on that common ground and then work backwards from there. You know, Let go of the surface details and connect on that common ground and then work up. And I think and if you slow down and really think about. And the other thing, Too, I am going to touch on this just for a moment or reiterate it. It's defense mechanisms. That's what gets in our way is the defense mechanisms. So we have to if we can see that and like when I go into a conversation, If I'm being conscious, If I'm consciously communicating, Which I don't do it perfectly all the time either. But when I am like the first thing that I try to do and what I counsel my clients to do is to first go in and lower the other side's defenses. If you're going to talk about something sensitive, The first thing you do is lower the defenses because we are so used to communicating in an unconscious way that it's just attack, Defend, Attack, Defend, Attack, Defend. And if there's already an issue there, Well, As soon as you open your mouth, They are unconsciously dropping into the defense mechanism. So like their mind is snapping shut before you even finish a sentence. So that's why most conversations are doomed to fail. So like if you can just lower the other person's defenses and the best way usually is to meet on common ground, Be like, Hey, I really want to understand you. Or I really want to have a good relationship with you. Or put some blame on yourself when you've done things wrong. Hey, I know I didn't go about this properly. Who gives a crap about what they did? You just own you. If you've done something wrong, Then own it. And, You know, Don't be don't be be vulnerable. Don't be afraid to be wrong. Be the first one to come up and say, Hey, I screwed up. I didn't handle my end right. You know, That really lowers people's defenses. It doesn't matter if they own up to theirs. Every time I've owned up to mine, You know, Like before I own up to my part, I'm resentful at that other person for their part. They shouldn't have done that. They shouldn't have done that. And that's how I'm thinking. And I go, Well, Yeah, But what about my part? And I go, Well, My part? Yeah, Maybe I shouldn't have done that too. But that was really not that big of a deal. They really shouldn't have done that. They're the real problem. That's how I'm thinking until I own up to my part. When I own up to my part instantly, Within a couple seconds of me owning up to my part, All of a sudden what they did, I don't even care about anymore. I'm like, Whatever. It's not that big of a deal. I mean, You know, We all have our things. We all have our moments. Yeah, Maybe they shouldn't have done it, But I shouldn't have done mine either. Now all of a sudden, It's so weird, Man, When that happens. I love it. I think it's so cool because you're walking around with this anger and this resentment towards somebody for something that you think is so important. And then when you claim responsibility for your own side, All of a sudden what they did, All the anger just falls away. It's like, Hey, I guess it's not that important. You know, And of course, I'm talking about smaller stuff. Some bigger stuff requires forgiveness and all that stuff. But I mean, With the smaller stuff, That happens regularly. So lowering people's defenses as the doorway into a conversation that's already stressed, I think is very important. That's the doorway. And once their defenses are lowered, Then their mind might be open. You might be able to have an actual conversation with them. So there, I think I'm going to end with that. Awesome. If you liked this podcast, You can check out all of our episodes, Like over 150 of them, Whatever they are. 200? I don't even know where we're at now. I know we're over 170 released. We might be getting close to 180 at this point. So wherever you're listening to that, You can check that out. And if you want to contact Glenn, Also his contact information is on whatever platform you are listening to this or watching this on right now. So thank you guys very much. And thank you, Glenn. This was a wonderful episode. Yeah. Helpful for me too. It's always getting more clarity on, You know, Whatever I'm talking about. I always get something out of and this was no exception. So thank you everybody for listening and we will talk with you soon. If you enjoyed this episode, You can find all of Glenn's podcasts right here on Insight Timer. Please leave a comment or send a message to connect.
4.7 (21)
Karey
April 23, 2024
Thanks forthe reminder to slow down, lower the other person’s defense mechanism and my own, discover whst I really want to happen, and ask for that.
Shelly
March 21, 2021
Love all this great information!!! I’ve been stuck and now I’m not!! Thanks!!!
Kristine
November 22, 2020
Great talk guys! This one his home for me. Thank you!
Suzanne
November 6, 2020
Thanks for not talking about golf! Love this...love the spaces and being conscious while communicating and admitting when wrong! Even though I know this..it’s practice and a podcast in my favorites now!
