How To Make Friends In A New City (As An Adult)

Hey this is Ishar and in today's talk what I want to go over is how to make friends in a new city as an adult.

And I find that this isn't really talked about too often for people who are past the college age and they're looking to make friends outside of work.

So this is something I kind of had to figure out on my own through trial and error just because I've moved every few years.

So I'd moved to a new city every like two or three years especially when I was younger and I kind of had to figure out like what worked and you know how to make friends.

And I've come up with a system that's really worked for me and I find that it'll help you as well.

And in order for this system to actually work for you there is something that needs to be done beforehand and the pre-planning step is that you need to be proactive in this approach.

So in order for these steps to work you do need to be proactive because if you do move to a new city and you just sit at home and you don't really go out you aren't really going to have friends come up to your door and you know want to check up on you.

It's very unlike college or school if you're younger where you can just sit at home and you know people just still check up on you and see how you're doing.

But if you move to a completely new city as an adult that's really not going to happen.

So you do need to create opportunities on your own.

And of course before going further I have to address some of the excuses people make.

People say you know I'm an introvert or I'm shy and I can't you know make friends and blah blah.

Really that's really not an excuse because I'm an introvert myself.

But what I what I tend to tell people who are also introverted is there's a difference between being shy and also just being introverted.

So being shy means they are fearful of putting yourself out there and being introverted just means that you prefer solitude and you get your energy from doing more restorative activities.

So that doesn't stop you from being social because you can still be social meet people but then also have time for yourself.

But if you are shy that's something you have to work through.

So you have to kind of test yourself and push yourself and put yourself out there and you'll actually grow a lot in the process.

So it's not like a scary thing but it may seem scary at first but you'll definitely end up really feeling happy about yourself by putting yourself out there a bit more.

OK so let's start off with the first step and this is the planning step.

So this is where ideally this is done before you move but if you have moved to a new city this is where you do a bit of research.

So find specific neighborhoods or areas in your town that has a vibe that you're looking for.

So for example a neighborhood that has a lot of yoga studios and wall murals and juice shops will typically attract a different demographics compared to a financial district in a certain city and that's going to be very different from a suburb suburb area with a lot of families and young kids.

So you can start to think about what areas and neighborhoods will align with you know what you like your preferences and the values that you have.

So for example from seeing my videos you might have noticed that I have quite a bit of tattoo I like rock music that's kind of my vibe I like yoga so I'm more likely to meet like-minded individuals and friends in neighborhoods that may be described as artsy or hipster if you will or grungy right.

So for example if I had moved to New York City I'd probably get along with people a bit more in the Lower East Side or Brooklyn compared to say the Upper East Side or in San Francisco maybe I'd be looking at the Mission District compared to the Marina District and it's not like I can make friends anywhere but I will probably meet people that are more like me in these specific areas.

So this is something you want to do is do your research beforehand and it'll actually save you more time you know going forward so you save a lot of energy.

Now the second step is to become a local at certain venues that you like so once you've done the research of knowing where you want to go and the different places you might enjoy start to become a regular there so start to frequent those places more often and by doing this you create what is called an exposure effect and this is a theory in psychology where we tend to gain an affinity towards people that we see often so see all the time and you can actually use that to your advantage and what I like to say is that you want to keep things constant as possible so try to limit your variety so people like to go out to many different places and try like a thousand different things but this is good right in the beginning but once you've figured out what you like and what you don't like stick to the things that you like because you want to make sure that the same people are seeing you over and over again and this creates that exposure effect like I was saying so it takes a certain amount of interactions for that social interaction to stick.

So an example of how this would play out is let's just say you want to take dance classes rather than going to you know a thousand different dance classes every single week stick to one so let's just say you go to Sally's dance class at XYZ studio every Tuesday at 7 p.

M.

And that is your time to go and you'll go there every single week at 7 p.

M.

On a Tuesday compared to just going to five different studios during the week and what this will do is you become a regular at that place so people will start to like notice you and they'll like see you and they're like oh okay who's this person he or she seems to come like every single week so now you're actually on people's radars.

Now the third step is once you've gone to these venues that you like and you start to become a regular now you start to make some small talk and just conversations with people in these venues so this is actually a lot easier than you think it is because people are like oh I can't talk to strangers but if you actually do the work of the second step and actually show up to these places over and over again people will actually notice you and they're like okay who is this person in fact it'll actually be weird not to talk to them because you've shown up so often so it doesn't have to be anything like crazy just like hey how you doing how's your day or whatever what is even better is you can make situational conversations so talk about what's going on in the environment so using the same dance class example you can if you had like a hard class that day you can talk to your neighbor and be like you know did you see that class that was crazy I got my butt kicked I was sweating everywhere and that's how a conversation starts organically and you can go forward with that.

Now the fourth step is once you start talking to the people in these areas you start to make very small plans with people you connect with the most so you don't have to make friends with everyone in the area and be friendly to everyone but you'll find that there'll be like one or two people that you really click with in these this area.

Now when you start to connect with them a bit more and you talk to your class or whatever venue you're at maybe a bar or whatever it is then you start to say hey want to get a juice or beer at your next door at after our 7 p.

M.

Class right so you start to make very small plans but it's not nothing crazy you're not making weekend plans or you know trying to go on a road trip or anything you're just doing something small like hey do you want to get a coffee next door or do you want to do something nearby.

So in this manner you're not really investing too much and the other person isn't investing too much so they can take it or leave it but most likely it's such a small commitment that they'll probably say yes.

So it's a very easy commitment to do just like hey do you want to go here and probably say yes and then the fifth step is once you feel comfortable and you've hung out with this person or many people right from these different areas then you start to make plans on a different day.

So this is where you start to do a weekend hangout.

So do you want to go out on a Friday or do you want to do this on a Saturday.

So it's a bigger commitment than then getting drinks after class which is right next door because you're actually making plans and setting aside time to do this.

So it's not spontaneous but planned.

So at this point if you've built enough comfort and you've talking to them you know every single day or every week then they feel comfortable enough to do this.

So there we go you now made you know a friend and if they say yes which most likely at this point you're following the previous steps that probably would now you have a friend.

So that's you know awesome.

So now you've made you know one or two friends in this one area of you know say the dance class but if you apply this approach to every single venue that you go to say you also like to go to a specific bar and now you've made two friends at a bar now you've made two friends at your dance class you made two friends at a yoga studio whatever wherever you go to right now you've had like six friends.

Now you should be pretty good right now you have friends in different areas but if you want to like level up so to speak what you can do is you can invite those five friends to all meet at once.

So you invite your two friends from the yoga class you invite two friends from your dance class and you invite two friends from wherever the bar and then you get them to all meet up at a specific area on Saturday.

So you made up at a bar as an example.

So we're all going to meet at this bar at 7 p.

M.

Or like 9 p.

M.

On a Saturday and it's going to be like all six of us.

Now that's kind of cool because not only do you give the gift of introducing other people to each other so now they're making friends with each other but in addition you're now the leader of the group if you if you will.

So you've now gone from a place of we go I'm not sure if I'm gonna make friends and I'm scared to approach people blah blah.

You've gone from that stage of being very not not very confident in yourself and being very insecure to now being the leader of the group where people come and look to you to make plans.

How cool is that that you completely shifted the roles.

So it's actually kind of cool to think about that you know completely change things around and now you're the center that introduces other people to each other and now people come to you.

So this is a great method of making friends that I found.

So just as a recap of these steps the first step is to plan out where you want to go.

So figure out which venues you want to go to and then do your research beforehand.

The second step is to become a regular or local at these venues.

So start to go there more often.

Variety is not the key here.

You want to narrow down your options and go there become a regular to make sure that the exposure effect works in your favor.

Once you've done that start to make small talk with people at these venues because you know you're showing up all the time so people are noticing you.

So just make small talk.

It's actually a lot easier than you think.

The next step is to once you start talking to them invite them to something very small.

So something that is a very small investment like hey do you want to get a drink next door.

Once you've done that then start to make plans outside of that day.

So start to plan out a day for that for you guys to hang out.

And at this point they should be comfortable with it if you're meeting up with them often.

And then lastly once you've done that you can you can level this up by introducing other people to each other.

And this is a great way to create your own social circle.

So hope this helps.

Thank you.