112 On Polarity: How To Get Her Into Her Feminine

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If you're a man that dates women,

You've probably noticed that things tend to move a lot more smoothly in intimate relationship when the man yourself is in the more masculine role embodying those testosterone correlated characteristics and the woman is in what we call the feminine role,

Oxytocin-driven characteristics or estrogen-driven characteristics if you will.

This is not to say that anyone should be one way or another but in a relationship between a man and woman,

An intimate relationship between a man and woman,

Everyone seems to be a lot happier particularly in intimate moments when people take on the characteristics that they're kind of designed to have.

Now a problem that a lot of guys,

A challenge that a lot of guys will face is that now more than ever women have very strong masculine sides.

Many women for very good reason have to take on testosterone-driven characteristics to survive in the world to be successful,

To be secure and take care of themselves.

However this obviously puts a bit of a strain on sexually polarized relationships and even a lot of women that I speak to and have worked with,

They love being their masculine or testosterone-driven self in their business life,

In their working life and being an independent woman in the world but when it comes to the moments that they don't want to be independent,

The moments they want to be close to a man,

Be in a more receptive state,

It does put a challenge or a strain on the more intimate part of a relationship.

So in this episode we're going to speak about from the man's perspective or what a man can do to help his woman or help the woman he's relating to enter her feminine because for a lot of women too it is a bit of a challenge.

Even women who want to enter their feminine because they've become so used to being in their masculine role,

Being,

Embodying testosterone-driven characteristics because they have to in much of life,

It sometimes becomes very challenging to turn it off or switch it off in say the bedroom or in deep emotional moments or times where she really wants to be or both parties want to be interdependent rather than completely separate independent consumerist units.

So the first thing here is that as a man and this goes for both sides of the equation but I'll speak for the male side because that's the side that I feel I can speak for.

There are many things that you can do to increase the polarity from your end which would inspire her to feel comfortable and natural in embodying her feminine characteristics.

A lot of advice around this stuff comes from kind of a manipulative almost Machiavellian role as if you're somehow tricking her into her feminine.

Whether that's effective or not I don't even care because it's just a inefficient and needlessly competitive or needlessly antagonistic way to view sexual polarity.

Most women would feel good being in their feminine just as most men feel good being in that emasculine role.

So of course this whole episode is touching on the first maxim from episode 109 on the five and a half guiding principles for men which of course is polarity.

If you didn't catch that I gave a few principles that I used to make major decisions or organize my life.

The first one was in intimate relationships always increase polarity.

In a close relationship,

In your life partnership with your wife,

Your girlfriend,

Whomever there's almost in almost every situation there is everything to gain and almost nothing to lose by increasing polarity.

To make it a more general statement I would say to the degree that you want to be intimate with a given woman is the degree that you should be sexually polarized.

That is what the north and south poles of magnets are what stick together not too strong north poles.

Anyway many analogies we use.

And this episode is partly inspired by one of the threads started the masculine underground Facebook group.

So thanks to everyone who participated in that.

And if you're not a masculine underground group and you want to participate in great discussions on these topics make sure to search for masculine underground in Facebook or type into your browser forum.

Masculineunderground.

Com.

So this is a topic I've thought about a lot throughout my life because I have at least when it comes to serious partnerships I've always been drawn to stronger women.

With just physical attraction I'm into all kinds of women.

I've been into all kinds of women.

When it comes to settling down,

Domesticating,

Thinking about family or in any way aligning my life path with a woman I've been drawn to stronger women and I don't know if it's a personal personality trait or just makes sense.

Like if you're going to build something with someone it helps if that person can also carry some of their own weight.

I mean I personally have liked women that can be counted on rather than being helpless.

And my current partner by the love of my life,

Nalaiah,

I really love that she's a strong woman and that I can count on her for things and she's not fragile.

I don't have to constantly check on her to make sure she's okay.

Eventually I was speaking to a friend about things I liked about her and we went in a direction,

I don't know if she would find this flattering,

But I was basically like oh yeah she's the type of wife you could take on a war campaign.

I was thinking like in Game of Thrones style if I was Rob Stark or something going on a battle campaign he brought his wife with him.

I mean they all did.

There's a point,

Actually this is a bit from the history of masculinity which is my series it'll be coming out eventually.

For a long time throughout history armies took their entire families with them.

Like prior to King Philip who's Alexander's father,

European armies it was kind of the norm to have these huge baggage trains.

An army campaign would basically be like a moving city on wheels where maybe you'd have like 50,

000 soldiers but then you'd also have 50,

000 non-combatants like their wives,

Their children,

Their servants,

Obviously like other kinds of support staff.

But King Philip,

One of his major advancements was that he was like wait,

Wait,

Let's not bring the wives and kids and that'll make us move a lot faster and we won't have to spend so much on food which seems like an obvious thing from a modern day perspective.

Anyway,

I digress.

I've always been drawn to strong women.

The thing however what makes someone emotionally strong especially in our modern consumerist society is someone who can basically fight if they have to.

Someone who,

I mean maybe not literally,

But someone who has like that like kind of testosterone driven edge.

That's kind of what we associate with strength.

So many of this type of woman which I think is a great type of person if you're thinking of life partnership tends to have a strong masculine side as well.

And just to go off on small diversions,

This is actually also part of the History of Masculinity podcast.

Socially monogamous species,

This is referring to mammals but also birds.

Birds are more monogamous than mammals overall.

I think like 90% of birds are monogamous whereas 90% of mammals are polygynous.

Humans are socially monogamous and one bit of evidence for this other than obviously culture can go in different directions but one bit of evidence for this is in our bodies actually.

Monogamous species tend to have reduced sexual dimorphism.

One of the reasons is that in a monogamous species,

Species tend to be monogamous when the offspring requires a lot of parental investment.

So like if you ever saw the movie March of the Penguins with Morgan Freeman,

Like spoiler alert but like it's a lot of effort for a penguin egg to become a surviving penguin.

I guess there's a lot of factors going against penguins.

They're really troopers and it really requires two strong parents coordinating together and being able to take on the elements together for the offspring to have a chance at survival.

So such species tend to select for larger females.

You will notice that obviously men are bigger than women on average but not that much.

Like compared to other species,

We're pretty close in size.

Men are slightly bigger or males are slightly bigger.

And actually bringing us back to a little bit closer to our main topic here,

There was an article I read,

I think it was in Vice,

It was a while ago,

It was one of those types of magazines but they were referencing a real study of how someone,

Some team compared Playboy centerfolds like the Playboy Playmate of the Year year by year with how the economy was doing in the United States that year.

And they found with some high correlation that the better the economy was doing,

So the more comfortable everyone was,

The more resource abundant everyone was feeling,

The more soft and frail and small the Playboy centerfold was.

And in years where the economy wasn't doing so well and people were all stressed and a little nervous and kind of more in survival mode,

The Playboy centerfold tended to be bigger and stronger and more muscular and just stronger looking.

And the conclusion that was somewhat loosely drawn was that when men feel super resource abundant and there's no challenges and they're comfortable,

They're maybe drawn to a more soft wife whereas their image of a perfect woman is a little soft.

The assumption is that the Playboy centerfold was somehow representative of people's ideal body of that time.

So we have a bit of a sore throat today.

I actually feel like my lymph nodes are a little swollen but let's press on.

So it's just this idea that when life is challenging you want a stronger woman but the challenge though,

Coming back to our original point,

Is that stronger women tend to have a strong masculine side.

So it becomes a bit of a challenge and if you look at other stereotypes like when you think of the nerds are into super quiet Asian women who don't speak English barely.

I mean if we're honest,

If we just see men with different kinds of women,

Very often most of us I would assume kind of judge a man's personality by the type of woman he's drawn to.

Like if you do see a guy who looks normal or whatever but then he's with a woman who barely speaks English and is super quiet,

My assumption,

My judgment if I'm honest,

Is like oh this guy either can't get a confident woman so he's choosing someone who he can kind of order around or he's really not masculine so in order for him to feel masculine he's picking the most absolute submissive woman because the bar for masculinity is so low.

I know it's a judgment,

Obviously it's not true all the time but I think most of us have these kinds of assumptions whereas if you see a super confident,

Desirable,

Beautiful woman with an average looking guy,

What is the assumption?

Either he's got a lot of money or he's just the friggin man,

Right?

We often,

Yeah it's just a natural thing because anyway I could go off on that some other time.

But anyway,

Back to our main point,

It can become a challenge especially with what I would think are more desirable women especially when it comes to partnership.

It can be a challenge maintaining that polarity when you're with someone who has a very strong masculine side,

There can sometimes be a battle,

There can sometimes be a fight between your masculinity,

Your masculine side and her masculine archetype,

Her testosterone-driven characteristics.

So going back to this original point,

The first thing to believe if you don't believe it,

Right,

If you're experiencing this challenge you at least need to believe that there is some part of her,

If she is drawn to you and you do personally feel better being masculine,

There must be some part of her that wants to be feminine.

And I'm trying not to be dogmatic because I've been accused of being a,

What's the word,

Biological reductionist but I do believe nature is the starting point of all our behaviors and we are all happier when we can align with our nature rather than go against it.

Just go back to the fact that women get pregnant,

It's one of the most beautiful parts of the human experience that women can have babies and actually one of the,

I mean one of my big criticisms of a lot of the ideology thrown around by feminism is this idea of like,

Oh women should be CEOs more than they should be mothers.

Like yes,

Obviously women have been oppressed and like for thousands of years and people have been,

You know,

In different cultures women have not had the freedom to do anything but have children,

I'm not saying that should be the case.

However,

What a twisted world we are in that how far have we gotten from our nature that we think somehow it is better to work long hours and be in a corner office leading a corporation that dumps pollution onto the earth rather than make a child,

Make a human being with your body.

Like,

Anyway,

We'll get into that in a second.

It's going to be a challenge,

Right?

And so the main thing,

The overarching principle when it comes to cooperatively getting your woman to enter feminine,

Right,

Because this is not a war,

Right?

It sometimes feels like a war,

Especially if you're butting heads with her masculine side but the key is trust.

If a woman can trust you to hold down the masculine role in the given relationship or situation and we're talking about mandating a woman,

Talking about in the relationship,

If she can trust you to hold down the masculine traits then she will willingly and eagerly surrender.

And when we speak about the masculine traits,

I actually love the terminology Jack Donovan uses.

Jack's been on the podcast,

He's written a bunch of great books such as The Way of Men and he has this,

He uses this image of the perimeter,

Right?

The masculine in a given society,

In a group,

In a relationship is the perimeter of the organism,

Of the superorganism or of the tribe,

If you will.

And the feminine is what's inside.

So if we use like the amoeba and amoeba analogy,

The masculine is the membrane and the feminine are the organelles inside.

The masculine is what defines the limit between that survival unit,

The couple,

Let's say,

The family and the outside world,

Right?

It's what defends them from attackers,

It's what invites food in,

We're talking about hunting and paleo hunter-gatherer societies.

And the feminine are the domestic traits and I know perhaps this can be a controversial statement to some but this is what it is.

Oxytocin-driven traits are for domestic times,

It's for times of peace.

Testosterone-driven traits are for competition which,

You know,

When we're talking about survival units,

Means dealing with the outside.

So this could refer to society,

It can,

You know,

Any superorganism.

So if you want to maintain or increase polarity in a relationship,

Then you essentially have to out-masculine her masculine side which means your masculine archetype has to prove to her masculine archetype that they are not needed.

Now it's good to understand before we go into technical stuff or how-tos,

It's good to understand why women have a masculine side in the first place.

And you know,

If we're taking on this Jungian perspective,

We all have both sides,

Right?

Jung had the concept of the anima in men,

A man's feminine side,

The animus in women,

The woman's masculine side.

Of course,

As I mentioned in older archetype episodes,

He conceptualized this in the early 1900s.

World was different,

People viewed things differently,

Psychology was still new.

I wonder what he would say nowadays,

I would bet he would maybe say we both have an animus and anima but the animus is stronger in masculine men and the anima is stronger in feminine women or maybe he would have categorized it differently.

Either way,

We all have both.

I mean,

Women produce testosterone,

Not as much as men do.

Men produce oxytocin,

Right?

Like I find cat photos cute as well.

I don't have the same reaction that most women do.

I don't make squealing noises and go,

But like,

You know,

I certainly have an oxytocin release when I see something cute.

Like I have a nurturing side as well.

Almost everyone does.

So it's good to understand why women have a stronger masculine side than before because essentially what you have to do is dominate her masculine side,

Consensually dominate her masculine side.

You have to prove to her masculine side that your masculine side is more willing and able to handle the perimeter than hers is,

Right?

Because if you think of our archetypes as members of society,

So if you're in a relationship with a woman,

You have your masculine side and your feminine side.

She has her masculine side and her feminine side.

It's a relationship of four and actually Carl Jung called this the quaternio.

It's the four elements of a two-person relationship and there's actually six relationships between these four elements.

You can look it up if you want.

There's diagrams.

And you should be aware of all these relationships.

But essentially if you have the society of four archetypes and there's a perimeter that has to be made and there's internal duties that have to be fulfilled,

Who should do what,

Right?

The most masculine should handle the perimeter and the most feminine should handle the inside.

But what happens is that in the modern day especially,

A lot of women,

A lot of women's male archetype,

Their animus,

Sees the masculinity in other men,

In these emotionally castrated men that seem to be the norm these days and like,

Well,

I don't trust you to hold down the fort.

My masculine side is way more capable than you to handle the perimeter.

She ends up in,

Obviously this is like a subconscious,

Sometimes negotiation that happens.

But then anytime you see a woman wanting to wear the pants in the relationship or do these things rather than sink into receptivity is because she doesn't trust the guy to hold things down.

So because women can only enter femininity willfully,

Consensually,

When they can see that you are more willing and able to.

So the first piece is the ability,

Right?

If she doesn't trust that you have the confidence or strength or courage to hold down the fort,

Well,

She's not going to let her guard down,

Right?

She's not going to want to be pregnant with you even if consciously she thinks it's a good idea.

Her body's not going to feel like it can surrender.

Because all this happens on an instinctual level,

Right?

I mean,

I've spoken,

I don't coach women anymore,

But when I used to and when I used to focus more on sexuality,

I would meet a lot of women who would have the same issue.

It would be called anorgasmia,

But I think labeling a term on it is not the right way to go about it or view it.

But a lot of women,

And I think this is a very common experience,

A lot of women can have an orgasm.

Their sexuality works fine when they're by themselves.

But when they're with a man,

Even with a man they like or a man that they think is really hot or a guy they really want to sleep with,

They can't seem to have an orgasm with a guy.

And assuming all of her parts work,

Assuming that she can do it on her own,

This almost always comes down to trust.

Even though if she consciously is like,

I want to trust this guy,

I think he's great,

Her subconscious doesn't trust him.

So her subconscious never lets her nervous system chill out enough in bed,

Even if things are feeling great and looking great and being great,

Her nervous system won't chill out enough for her to have that orgasmic response.

It's just her body,

I mean,

This is maybe a bit of a hippie theory,

But I've met a lot of couples who've had trouble conceiving.

I think there's something like this also,

Right?

If she's still in her testosterone-driven mode,

If some part of her subconscious is still checking out the perimeter,

Of course it's not going to relegate resources to pregnancy or being in that super vulnerable state,

Because obviously physical pregnancy is perhaps the most vulnerable a human being can possibly be.

Yeah,

Anyway.

So anyway,

These biological mechanisms are what determine these instinctive patterns,

These instinctive behaviors.

Pregnancy being,

As I said,

The most vulnerable state a woman can be in or any person can be in.

Now,

Hormonally,

It's important to note that obviously men produce a lot more testosterone than women.

We produce it in our testes,

But also our adrenals and perhaps our brain sometimes.

Women produce testosterone by their adrenal glands.

So women are in masculine mode all day.

If they work a corporate job or run a business or they're doing something,

They're constantly in masculine mode.

They're making decisions.

They're seeking out the perimeter.

They're doing all the things that are correlated with testosterone production.

They tend to be super overtaxed.

A lot of these women,

Their adrenals are overtaxed and it becomes very easy to chill out and enter.

I've seen this a lot in women I've coached where they are really successful women.

They're running businesses.

They're doing things great in life and they love what they're doing in their independent woman life,

But then they have trouble turning it off or turning it down when they're with a guy.

So they're masculine every guy they're with.

This is not their fault,

Of course.

It's no one's fault.

Some responsibility can be put on these men that they don't have the backbone to face off with a woman's masculine side.

But that's neither here nor there.

It's an unfortunate thing that happens in a sexual relationship that would otherwise be intimate and fulfilling.

So real briefly,

I think it's good to understand the reasons why because I see this in the red pill community.

One of the things I really don't like about the community,

Even though I agree with most of the principles that come out of the red pill community,

Is this idea that intersexual dynamics is some sort of war between men and women.

That somehow men and women are in competition and even in married red pill you see this tone or this assumption or presupposition,

If you will,

That you have to be at war with your wife for her for you to have a happy relationship.

You've got guys being overly on edge with their women because they think that somehow they need to constantly be battling for supremacy or dominance,

Which is kind of an unfortunate way to think of living your day-to-day married domestic life.

But if you can really understand the woman's side,

I think it allows you to have a little more empathy,

Not feel like they're the enemy,

And think more of this as a co-op game,

Which just makes everything easier.

So once upon a time in paleo hunter-gatherer times,

There was a pretty clear sexual division of labor because we were just one step away from the not sapient animals that we descended from.

Men obviously got pregnant,

Men did not,

So that was an obvious division of labor there.

That's why we have some dimorphism even though we're not a super dimorphic species.

There's a lot of evidence in this in pagan or animist religions.

Yes,

They obviously celebrated the god of war or whatever,

These hyper masculine traits.

Good warriors kept them alive.

If they didn't have good warriors,

They got wiped out,

Which is why in my history of masculinity series,

The first season focuses purely on warfare and how warfare inspired what we call cultural masculinity.

All masculine traits came off of this warrior thing because the men were relegated to protecting the perimeter.

That was their job because the women were often pregnant.

Whereas they also celebrated the beauty of women or the amazing part of women.

A lot of these early animist pagan religions were either equally masculine and feminine worshiping or a lot of them worshiped like Gaia or Mother Earth,

This beauty in women,

This incredible miracle that women can make humans in their bodies.

What an incredible thing.

It was their superpower.

Men had to hold up their end of things and be warriors essentially.

Agriculture shifted a lot of this because instead of being these close knit bands,

We started to separate.

There was an introduction of scarcity in labor because that's what happens when you can hoard wealth.

The hunter gatherers couldn't hoard wealth because things would spoil immediately.

It just changed a lot.

I go deeper into this in the history of masculinity.

But instead of the survival unit being a large tribe,

The survival unit was able to shrink.

Basically this led to nuclear families because why should you hoard wealth for everyone else,

All of your cousins and neighbors when you can just hoard your wealth for your genetic line,

Your immediate offspring and your partner,

Your mate.

This of course developed generation by generation in what we might call patriarchy because when you introduce agriculture,

You introduce economics and wealth,

You introduce scarcity that never left.

For hunter gatherers,

They experienced scarcity at times but they experienced abundance at times which was essentially they experienced more food and resources than they can consume that day.

With agriculture,

You could hoard wealth so you never got to that full point.

You never got to the point where no one's ever like,

Oh we have too much grain in storage or we have too much money.

That never would happen.

The nature of money is that there's always scarcity with it.

No one's ever like,

Oh there's too much.

You never get full on money.

We might get full on bananas.

Because of the scarcity,

Because testosterone driven characteristics thrive in scarcity whereas more feminine characteristics thrive in abundance,

Since there was really never a switch back to abundance,

Obviously male traits inspired society or had society developed by men for men more greatly.

This is what people call the patriarchy.

I don't think at any point men got together intentionally trying to impress women but as a society developing around scarcity,

Of course it's going to favor people with testosterone driven characteristics and it's going to develop more for such people which is what has caused perhaps this cultural oppression of women over many thousands of years.

Feminism obviously was a push back on that because by the 1900s.

Basically the patriarchy or society or the masculine side of society had in many ways let women down whereas in our hunter gatherer times there was a division of labor but it was interdependent,

It was for each other.

With this inbred scarcity in society masculine traits developed on their own creating this huge separation and women eventually became more like property and it just became a not good situation whereas in earlier times and I know I probably romanticize the stone age a little bit more than should so perhaps take this with a take my opinion as an opinion.

But at one point in human history things were a lot closer to interdependence and women were more served by male traits and behavior.

This is stuff I go deep into in the history of masculinity like the roots of honor and why honor is a masculine trait etc.

Essentially by the 1900s it was clear that the patriarchy in many ways had let women down.

It wasn't actually beneficial for a woman to be in her receptive state as it was as kind of nature designed us.

It was actually kind of a raw deal like she was still being pregnant,

Being in a vulnerable position but not she being women but not really being taken care of the way that there was more of a give and take in the paleo era.

So obviously it was a backlash and the most logical thing from that perspective and the most logical thing from a masculine trait incepted society where everyone kind of assumed masculine values even women even future feminists this idea that well women need to be women need to compete in a consumer society as well because the dominant ideology of the last many centuries.

The dominant like it's so dominant that it's not even an ideology most people don't think of it as an ideology it's just a set of assumptions most of us have is consumerism.

Yuval Nora Harari speaks about this quite a bit in Sapiens on how consumerism as opposed to like the early societies that were based on clans or tribes or at least some sort of kin bonding because once upon a time we all needed to band together if we were going to have any chance of survival.

Nowadays in a consumer society the highest ideology or the highest the goal that most people strive for even unconsciously in the consumer society is that hoard as much money as you can right get it I mean the prescription to most young people I think this maybe will change with the COVID era that we're in but prior to COVID like pretty much every young person assumed get a high paying job hoard a lot of wealth so you can live in a nice box one person box in a nice city in a nice building stacked on top of many many other boxes and you have enough of these survival tickets if you have enough money you can exchange with the collective you can exchange with you know these non-human entities corporations or whatever services goods and services for every one of your human needs.

In the paleo era everything was kind of everything was met within the tribe with people just like providing for each other in a consumer society you give yourself money and then you can trade money for love and connection and comfort and entertainment and all that stuff right there has to be that exchange of course you know there's negatives with that and essentially you know you couple this with feminism which was kind of an obvious backlash given that women kind of were getting a raw deal in many ways over the last thousands of years.

Well women should become their own survival unit so like if you see the developments of feminism second wave feminism like women need a man like a fish need a bicycle was one of the phrases they've learned essentially by third wave feminism women have learned to act like men there's the idea of fire versus fire right that was a book written on this topic by a feminist writer.

So in a consumer society everyone's trying to be an independent unit and is the breakdown of interdependency so this maybe is fine from a purely economic standpoint for women let's say right like and nowadays I think almost everyone would agree even feminists that women are doing great you know girls are doing better in school than boys there are plenty of women in leadership positions maybe not as much as many feminists want but like women are doing pretty great.

You know just just in like the expatriate scene in Southeast Asia or you know like the digital nomad scene that I was a part of up until recently a lot of women running their businesses like almost I mean maybe it's about even but I see a lot of women doing great things with themselves but a lot of these same women have issues with their relationships because it's hard for them to feel feminine with a guy when they're so strong in their masculine.

So essentially we want to go back to we're basically trying I mean if you're a man who's trying to get a woman into her feminine trying to get the woman that you're dating into her feminine you're essentially trying to recreate mutually beneficial interdependence you're trying to break these two separate perimeters if you think of yourselves as two amoebas two survival units separately you're trying to break open the perimeter merge together so that you are the perimeter of this two person unit and you have these two nuclei inside and she's able to surrender and take care of these whatever the feminine side of things are which essentially means if you think of Jung's Quaternio you need to out masculine her masculine archetype.

So how do you expand this perimeter for two?

So in healthy polar relationship as I said you're merging into one and I think you know I'm going to make another episode on how to fight with your partner how to fight with your girlfriend or wife I think a lot of people don't fight in the right way I mean my main principle of fighting correctly is that even if you're in conflicts even if you know conflict happens obviously between intimate people you have to have the underlying assumption that you are one unit and you're and you're trying to figure this out together I mean I see this a lot in couples like the moment you start to see yourself as disparate entities and you're at war with this other side there's no way you're going to have a happy resolution right.

Anyway what will allow her to take you know merge her walls with yours or let you take over the membrane of the multicellular organism that she'll become is security protecting and provisions but also emotional security like all of this comes down to when it comes to her subconscious when it comes down to her nervous system chilling out her unconscious being like okay I can sink into a receptive vulnerable state because he can handle things it comes out to whether or not she trusts you again to hold down the security hold down that side so I'm going to break this down into three parts or two parts depending how you look at it the first is being right there's a lot of techniques and I'll share some things that I do especially when my woman is challenging me or giving me what some people call a shit test or a comfort test I would call them security tests anytime you're being tested that's going to happen and we'll talk about that in a moment but before we get into techniques we have to understand that what really matters more than anything else even if like you use incorrect social techniques or you pick the wrong words or you know in those moments you do things incorrectly what matters more than all of that stuff is how she sees you day to day as a person right it's not about you know in the heat of a moment you can actually get away with saying stupid stuff sometimes or doing the wrong things sometimes if she really respects you as a person and this is where it's like a lot you see on these forums or when people are asking like these questions like they'll always have specific instances a lot of times like guys will like come to me and be like okay my girlfriend or the the woman I'm dating we're about to go to dinner and this happened and like I know I failed this test like what do I do like sometimes if you're getting like a big pushback from her masculine side you you messed up earlier right it's not about that moment there's I'm going to share certain technical things but it's like she already for whatever reason doesn't trust you she doesn't see you in a certain way and it's actually not about how you're treating her necessarily it's how she's seeing you living your life so the most important thing before we get into the nitty-gritty is like are you demonstrating the warrior ethos because we think of the perimeter right she needs to know that your warrior archetype can handle things better than her and you know if you have more testosterone in you and not to you know put things down I put everything down to hormones but most of our moods and behaviors and and tendencies come down to our biology right like free conscious will is only a percentage of what we actually do with ourselves or even the thoughts we think but that's that's maybe another episode women are watching how you live life and she needs to see that when you're living your day-to-day life you are demonstrating the traits that you are able first able to hold the perimeter for her and also willing the ability matters more because in many instances a woman would be happy to engage sexually with a man who has all of those positive traits but maybe he's gonna leave that's a whole rock star thing right like she knows he's not gonna stick around but his sperm is so valuable to her that she's still attracted to him and then you know anyway we perhaps you'll find someone else to raise a child with her but in a healthy relationship we need both right it's first demonstrating the ability right because it doesn't matter how willing you are if you don't have the ability to hold a perimeter her nervous system is not gonna chill right her unconscious is not gonna be like oh I can I'm safe to like let my guard down and go fully surrendered she has to see how you're living your life and this a lot of us this goes down to the earlier episode I think it was one 110 or 108 I don't know what thing 110 how to be attractive to women that's essentially what this whole that whole episode was about right there's two main principles of that demonstrating masculine traits again showing that you can hold down the mask inside more than she can and individuating like finding your purpose being your specific kind of competence because that's what's gonna bring the provisions in that's what's gonna prove to her that you're living your life in such a way that you through your actions you are the type of guy that she can trust to guide your survival unit your family into the future going into tests right into going into these moments where she might throw tests at you first I want to say it's totally normal it's not a bad thing if you see your woman's testing you there's many reasons why women can test you especially early in a relationship you know if she's giving you a test it typically means like she's on some unconscious level trying to see if you are long-term relationship material or she's someone that she can let your guard her guard down with right if she's testing you whether it's like a teasing thing it's like maybe a little bit mean or she's being bratty for some reason there's many reasons why it could happen but typically it's not a bad thing right early in a relationship if it's happening out of nowhere I'd say it's actually a good thing she's like now maybe for the first time unconsciously pondering can we make babies with this guy if it happens later it's gonna happen it's always gonna happen right unless you're with a woman who really has like a really low bar for masculinity because she has low self-esteem or like you've picked some woman who like anyway I don't mean to be judgmental but you've picked someone like really anyway the bar is really low then maybe you'll never get tested but if you're with a strong high value high self-esteem woman she should test you periodically because it makes sense right like if she either consciously or unconsciously know she has options know she can be with many different guys she wants to make sure she's with the best which means she has to test you just to see sometimes if she's testing you a lot that could mean that she's now wondering or like having doubts but essentially it's not a bad thing so what the pickup community calls a shit test I would just put this I would call it a security test because essentially she's trying to test for security the very first type of security she's trying to test is your emotional security especially those early tests I think you know I think calling them shit tests is again it's like taking this overly anti antagonistic assumption around intersectional dynamics I mean I think a lot of things from pickup are mislabeled this way like the one that I always point to is the term negging all of these terms were I come up were made by the guy mystery he's known to have Asperger's whatever it is like the guy clearly missed certain nuances when it came to understanding intersectional dynamics he was very good however viewing the outside superficials like like negging for example a lot of early pickup guys would observe these guys were naturally good with women they would see guys somehow belittling a woman and seeing that she laughed and was more attracted and she and they came up with a conclusion based on observation oh women like it when you belittle them and that's not really the principle right if you could see a little bit under beneath the surface if you could read the situation a little bit more organically you could see I mean negging what has become called negging was essentially teasing teasing has existed forever and what's attractive about teasing is that it demonstrates one that you're not afraid of her right that's that's a thing that no woman wants to be with a guy who's afraid of her right so by teasing someone or demonstrating oh I'm not afraid but also it's demonstrating they're showing a high level of attention if you're just like making a cookie cutter blanket joke at someone's expense well that's not really that's not it that's not even attractive because you're not really paying attention like you know effective negs and quotes or effective teasing is when you're really paying attention to her you're really paying attention to her idiosyncrasies and you're calling some attention to it in a joking positive humorous way which will make her laugh and because it shows her that you're not afraid of her but you're also paying really good attention to her it's like you're not afraid of her so you are able to hold the perimeter for her and you are paying a really close attention to her which means you're willing you're it suggests that you're willing to take care of her if you're willing to pay such close attention to whatever her cute little quirk is that you're now calling attention to and making a joke out of and this goes beyond just intersectional dynamics like I spoke about this in the male bonding episode one of the ways guys bond is by busting each other's balls and kind of a sign of male friendship is a real male friendship is when two guys can bust each other's balls and they both laugh about it because it's kind of like signaling to the other guy hey I'm willing to suffer at your expense which makes you trust each other it's kind of like mutual in a way mutual submission that's why guys bust each other's balls they cut each other down it's like it's a way of testing for friendship so anyway going back to tests security tests when you get a security test as I'll call it now the best thing to respond with is always humor a lot of guys get confused or like a lot of guys fail the test sometimes because well one the the worst way to fail is to just be submissive I'll just give an example to make this a little more concrete and it's actually something that my girlfriend does periodically I think it's just a tendency she's had or whatever this is the thing she does this is her way of testing me sometimes which is like not in a mean way not an angry way kind of in a playful way she'll like order me to do something she'll be like go sit here do this or whatever right and I know she's not like really ordering me right like we'd be in a bad place if she was really commanding me but it's kind of like a subconscious test and the thing is if I just like okay and I just sat like I'll say she was like sit here and I just like went and sat I would have failed the test and even though I know she was joking she knows she was joking if I responded that way she would drive real fast like she like some part of her would no longer feel secure being with the guy who just lets people order him around but on the flip side and this is where I think a lot of you know a antagonistic red pill guys also fails not as bad a failure as just being servile but like they'll kind of like come at come at the situation angrily I had a friend who was deep in the red pill community and deep in the married red pill community and when his wife would test him as wives do sometimes like you get angry like don't talk to me that way I didn't become a fight and that's better than being servile but that's still not good for the relationship right like she's not she might maybe respect him a little or know that she can't be pushed around but she's not gonna feel safe like maybe she'll see that he's able to hold the perimeter but given that he had this angry reaction towards her her unconscious gonna be like well he's not willing to take care of me I clearly he's angry at me right that's not gonna make her feel good either so you have to call things out as they are but with humor so just using this example if my girlfriend says sit here I will get up in her face and I'll grab her and I'll maybe I'll pick her up and I'll say don't tell me what to do in a fun way right and then you know and then doesn't matter what I do from there right maybe she's telling me to do something that actually I was gonna do anyway or is useful to do maybe it's you know whatever maybe we're cooking together and that's like not a you know but I don't want what I don't want her to I don't want to have this reality where she's ordering me around because neither one of us is gonna like that right we're both gonna feel less polarized and it's not gonna be good for our relationship so I need to call it out right I need to call out that I noticed this it's not okay but not an angry way like I'm also saying it humorously back to her so that is demonstrating but we're still on the same team like I'm just like giving you a little spank and sometimes very often actually I will literally spank her in fun of course in a perhaps a sexy way to again demonstrate I'm not afraid spanking is a bit of a tangent I still always be confused like what so I what is it about spanking that so many women are into like why why is that like and one way to look at it without going into like you know deep that daddy stuff which I don't think is actually the right way to look at it is like it is it is showing like a playful dominance it is a showing a that you're not obviously for spanking someone you're not afraid if you're spanking them on their butt or you're spanking them in a way that you're not actually harming them it shows that you have the control to that you could do stuff to them that is not good but you have a control it's like you know doing jiu-jitsu with the black belts who can do all crazy sorts of stuff with you break your arms choke you out but he's just playing right or she's just playing right she's not actually there to harm you but it's very it's very obvious that they have that confidence or actually I wonder if had a lot of puppies a couple years ago I was in the podcast I've spoken about them I my housemate was fostering puppies so I was kind of fostering puppies too and the alpha of the group we had ten of them the alpha was so clearly the alpha because anytime other puppies were like misbehaving like fighting each other doing something bad she would control them she would either pin them down or grab them by the neck or something like that you know I put her teeth on their neck but she never hurt them she was just demonstrating I can fuck you up but I'm not going to because I care about you and that's the kind of the energy you want to have when when you're passing a security test when you're reasserting that you are in the masculine role and actually yeah and it sometimes sometimes doesn't have to be physically doesn't have to be even playfully antagonistic sometimes I just call it up in a way that it's clear that I'm not afraid like I'm official translate is kind of an inside joke between my partner and I but we've kind of labeled her masculine archetype the boy dragon right kind of playfully called it that she didn't like it at first and you know if she's like kind of in masculine mode or like it's coming out somehow sometimes I'll be like oh I see your boy dragon wants to have control of the situation I just call it out right and it's always like a little bit of a giggle sometimes she punches me in the shoulder but again it's like another way of like playfully and humorously kind of calling out what's happening and be like I I know that you know this is not the right dynamic but not in an angry way not in a antagonistic way so those are ability tests right everything we just spoke about it's a type of security test where she's testing your ability your whether or not you have the competence to hold the perimeter better than she can because that's what the woman wants right if her masculine side is more masculine than your animus for instance there's no reason for her to surrender there's no reason for it does switch and actually is an important points I could hear the FAQ or the someone thinking this can't we have both like yes of course all of us do have both masculine and feminine archetypes anima and animus is animi but we can't be in both at the same time right you can have it's actually great you know it's great to be able to cry during movies and be able to hold shit down when things need to be tough but you can't have both right you're not gonna you're not you're not gonna be firing you're not gonna be releasing all the oxytocin for all the cuddles while you're at war now those are not good things to have at the same time so in a given moment or a given period of time you have to be in one mode or the other it is healthy to experience both which is why an example I've often brought up in archetype episodes is like a lot of men who are so far in the hyper masculine road all the time like high powered CEOs like they often will hire let's say a little Asian woman to stomp on their balls I mean obviously it's an extreme but like a lot of dominatrices their number one client are these super alpha male types because those guys they're so deep in one archetype that they need a little bit they need to some balance to balance it out so this is important restore this caveat out or this you know this out just in case everyone's like well why can't we be both well of course we can be both when a woman's pregnant when she's especially in in a in the you're in the intimate or the sexual side of an intimate relationship she has everything to gain by being in her feminine right even if the rest of her life she wants to be a masculine mode like she's not gonna really be able to enjoy the intimate side or the romantic side of her life if she's not in there feminine and you as a man probably not gonna have a very good time if you're in your feminine in a sexual relationship with a woman probably finally we'll speak about willingness tests and then we're gonna close because I could hear the construction next door starting already willingness tests are a lot simpler than the ability test right I think most guys mess up in the ability test because that's where men have a insecurity right like are we even able of meeting her standards whereas the willingness part is just it's kind of just this is like you're a strong man who's also a good man willingness is what in married red pill they'll call the comfort test it's different it's not a quite a shit test she's not giving you shit but she's trying to test to see if you're gonna be there for her I because by the time you're getting a comfort test or what we'll call like a willingness security test she's she probably already trusted you have the ability she already sees you as a strong guy but maybe she's not sure that you're actually gonna stick around with her right maybe you're gonna go off and fuck some other woman once she's pregnant or something that's like the that's a deep-rooted fear I guess the the worst situation for a human female in the wild let's say but also carries into modern day like for her to be pregnant with a guy who then leaves right because she needs somebody at least if there's like a nuclear family if there's a tribe maybe it's a little different anyway that's a whole other thing I are you gonna be there for her and this is another place guys could mess up because some guys will throw out their ability indicators by demonstrating willingness like a lot of guys in a genuine positive effort to show that they're there for their woman will end up becoming supplicating because was modeled for a lot of us through society is that the way to be nice to someone is to be subservient this is kind of Nietzsche enslaved morality that has incepted our society and it is tricky it is it is tricky sometimes to show your woman that you're there for her and you care about her feelings without going into feminine mode essentially and because it's one it's a in a similar way of handling ability tests it's important to be aware at least you don't always call it out but be aware of what reality is because in a way it's tricky for men you know this is not you know a day against women at all but something that a lot of women especially women who have been wounded in the past and we've all been wounded for different things and a lot of our bad behaviors and relationships comes from our wounds but a lot of women especially women who are wounded will do things like creating drama that isn't really necessary or isn't even really I don't want to say isn't real because if you're feeling it it's a real emotion for you but they'll create something that they'll create some sort of drama in themselves to see if you are willing to take care of them and sometimes you want to be there for her this is this is this can be a trap because if you're always jumping at it yes you're demonstrating willingness but you've if you become supplicating or bite on every single bit of drama or every single seeming problem that that seems such like a crisis that's actually you're you're passing the willingness part but you're maybe failing the ability because one of the things that people rely on the masculine for whether it's you as an individual relying on your masculine side or the woman relying on the man or the the insides of a society relying on the Warriors holding the perimeter is direction and sometimes you have to tell the truth of like I'm trying to come up with a phrase that won't be misused but sometimes you have to call out when something is perhaps fabricated drama sometimes you have to call out when it's actually not your role to step in sometimes it's okay to be like I think this is something for you to deal with or this is you know and it's a trick and I'm pausing here and I'm thinking for a second because it depends on situation to situation which is why this is can be a tricky thing with these comfort tests but I guess the the the greater principle is similar to passing ability tests whereas so you have to at least be aware of what reality is sometimes you call it out sometimes you can't it's great to demonstrate that you care but it's also important that you don't collapse yourself or you don't you're still the one holding the perimeter right and sometimes that means coming up with a solution sometimes that means directing the survival unit to what is rights and this can be challenging because especially if you're with someone you really care about which I hope is the case if you're in a relationship sometimes you do need to make decisions that are not comforting to her in the short term but they're the right thing for the long term sometimes you need to tell a woman when she's sometimes you need to tell a woman when she's being out of line especially in these moments where she is essentially testing and maybe she's challenging you or like something that I experienced in earlier relationships probably because of the fact that I was a little more insecure about my masculinity where a woman would say something kind of challenging my insecurity and I don't think this was and I used to get really angry right it's like oh I'm insecure about this stuff like why would you poke this thing it seemed really mean I don't think these women were doing it on purpose with malicious intention I think my earlier girlfriends they they maybe can subconsciously sense that I had insecurity here and they wanted to make sure that I was secure enough for them to let their guard down so going back to our very first principle here about demonstrating our first how-to if you will about demonstrating the warrior ethos is the more you're living your life as a strong and able man the less she'll have to test you right she'll still test you I mean if she's a high-value woman she'll test you sometimes right just to make sure that you're not getting soft but the more you demonstrate strength in your in your day-to-day life the less she will feel insecure about whether she can let her guard down around you and the less she'll have to test you but if she does test you don't get butthurt right don't be like oh women shouldn't test me means I you know a lot of guys get upset because they recognize that they've demonstrated weakness and that's why she's there getting tested in the first place not always but sometimes it's better to recognize actually in a sense even though it requires a humbling of the ego to be a little grateful and be like okay my woman is exposing a hole in my game this is not for me to work on maybe you still need to call her out maybe you need to call her out on being unreasonable with her challenge you know this is something that has happened in my relationship where like she will throw something back at me as if I did something wrong and and in the past I would be not secure enough to recognize like oh did I do something wrong or not but sometimes I have to tell her like no that's actually unfair or this is actually untrue or this is actually reality and I'm not always perfect at this but I do my best to not say as reverse accusation attacking her because then we're just attacking each other back and forth sometimes you just need to put your foot down and say well that's just not true and there's all this again to have the purpose of this is not to like be the most alpha guy who dominates his woman all the time or like you know is somehow you know whatever it's not about being a douchebag this is about creating a healthy interdependent sexual dynamic whereas if you're a masculine guy for a guy who naturally feels better embodying these testosterone driven characteristics you're probably attracted to women who are more happy and feminine in their feminine side although sometimes they need to be sometimes they need to be guided into their feminine because as we've discussed through this episode it's actually a rational thing in the modern era for a lot of women for women to have a strong masculine side it's kind of necessary for them to survive because we're all individual consumerist units but in your love relationship and intimacy and sex you can't let that continue right you're not no one's winning by being androgynous or not having polarity in intimate relationships always increase polarity as long as it's not at the expense of well-being or any anybody else so that is all if this is something you want a little more hands-on help with the mask and archetype challenge still comes with a free coaching session with me so if you want to join the challenge it's still available at ruwondo.

Com slash archetype there's more information about the curriculum it's a program that I really enjoy it's actually I created it because I took a lot of exercises that I give my one-on-one coaching clients put it in there because I realized no yeah I mean I could just share with the world all my grounding exercises on my introspective exercises and stuff and it's the most cost-effective way to get a book a video call with me so go to ruwondo.

Com slash archetype you can see the course curriculum if you choose to join the program you'll immediately get a link to my scheduler to book a coaching session with me that is all if you're not in the Masked Underground group you should join we have some great discussions there and most of a lot of my podcast topics actually come from questions in the group so anything you want me to talk about anything you want me to expand on join the group post something and I'd be happy to answer your question all right goodbye