Hello and welcome to this talk on compassionate communication.
Today I'm going to be sharing with you how you can communicate your inner thoughts and needs,
How you can do this compassionately,
And the key tools that will help you on your journey to better communication.
Firstly,
Let us ponder,
What does it mean to compassionately communicate?
Compassionate communication can also be known as non-violent communication,
And it helps people to remain empathetic with each other.
Even in difficult situations that are strained with anger or frustration,
It teaches people to speak to others without blaming and to hear personal criticisms without withering.
When we pay deep attention to the words we use and the way we use them,
We improve the odds of strengthening and deepening important relationships.
Let us start with a communication disaster.
This was written by Lindsay Dickinson.
Imagine,
Your co-worker Joe is a nice guy,
But he's an interrupter.
You'll nearly be done making a point,
And he cuts in.
To agree,
To disagree,
It really doesn't matter.
Every time it happens,
You end up feeling frustrated and annoyed.
You're so ready to unload on him.
When a person or situation triggers our less savoury emotions,
Two things happen.
Blame and negativity arise.
Blame is a reflective response that helps us protect our egos and avoid the hard work of examining our own emotions and culpability.
The trouble is that blame and grumbling usually make bad situations even worse.
If we've decided Joe is hopelessly rude and we confront him about it with language that insinuates as much,
We're unlikely to inspire Joe to change his behaviour,
Let alone get what we hope to get from the situation.
Rather,
Joe will just probably get defensive and level blame right back.
We will wind up in the same frustrated and annoyed place where we started.
So what do we do?
What do we do when we are in this situation?
It all starts with the awareness,
With the ability to pause before we react,
To identify what's going on beneath all these feelings and to approach the situation with more compassion and understanding.
When we approach others in this way,
It has a number of different benefits.
It helps us to get more of our own needs met.
It helps us to better understand and meet others' needs.
And it allows us to more fully appreciate and enjoy our relationships.
This really is the guiding philosophy of compassionate communication.
It's an approach to speaking and listening that helps us respond to others more effectively in even the most difficult of situations.
And practising this compassionate communication promotes deeper connections with our loved ones,
More harmonious relationships and a greater sense of inner peace.
Dr Michael Nicholls,
Professor of Psychology at the College of William and Mary and author of The Lost Art of Listening says,
When you give other people the gift of your attention and empathy,
It makes them feel understood and they become more open to hearing what is on your mind.
Nonviolent communication,
As it's most commonly known,
Was originally founded by Marshall Rosenberg,
Who was a visionary peacemaker.
Nonviolent communication can sometimes be abbreviated to NVC,
And it's also commonly referred to as compassionate communication or even collaborative communication.
It's an approach where we aim to communicate based on the principles of nonviolence.
It's not a technique to end disagreements,
But it's a method designed to increase empathy and improve the quality of life of those who utilise the method and the people around them.
With nonviolent communication,
We learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others.
Through its emphasis on deep learning to ourselves as well as others,
NVC helps us discover the depth of our own compassion.
This language reveals the awareness that all human beings are only trying to honour universal values and needs every minute,
Every day.
Nonviolent communication can be seen as both a spiritual practice that helps us to see our common humanity,
Using our power in a way that honours everyone's needs,
And also a concrete set of skills which help us create life-serving families and communities.
The form is simple,
Yet powerfully transformative.
Through the practice of nonviolent communication,
We can learn to clarify what we're observing,
What emotions we're feeling,
What values we want to live by,
And ultimately what we want to ask of ourselves and others.
We no longer need to use the language of blame or judgement or domination.
We can experience the deep pleasure of contributing to each other's wellbeing.
A typical example of how we would go about the practice of nonviolent communication starts with step one.
Step one is all about our observation.
We start by saying,
When I see,
When I hear,
Or when I notice,
What we're doing in this space is observing the facts about the situation,
Observing what may add or not add to our wellbeing.
So step one is to observe.
What would a fly on the wall see about this situation?
Step two is about our feelings.
This is where you use an emotion or a sensation rather than a thought.
So this wouldn't be,
I feel like she did,
I feel like he did.
This would be,
I feel sad,
I feel disappointment,
I feel frustration.
Part two is about connecting with your feelings.
I feel,
Insert the emotion.
The third part is about your needs.
This is about what you really need and what you value the most and how this connects back to your feelings.
So if you're feeling sad,
What part of you did not get met?
What part of you was not valued?
What need was not addressed?
And then step four in the process is where we gather our request.
This request would be made in a positive light.
It's necessary for us to be specific in this step.
And we need to remember that it's a invitation for this person to meet you there,
Not a demand.
So that would look like,
Would you be willing to?
If I put all of the sentence stems together,
You should have a fairly straightforward,
Concise picture of what it is that you need to communicate.
It would flow like this.
When I see,
I feel because I need or value,
Would you be willing to?
This technique allows us to compassionately communicate and it relies on the four steps I just shared with you.
Conversely observing a situation without judgment,
Seeing it from a factual position,
Disconcerting which emotions are being triggered in the situation,
Connecting those emotions to the underlying needs that aren't being addressed and making a reasonable request of the other person.
If we think back to our example at the beginning of this talk,
We were thinking about our co-worker,
Joe.
The best way to frame a compassionate response to Joe would look like this.
Would you be willing to let me finish my thought before you begin speaking?
It allows us to shift the dynamic.
It allows us to limit confusion and prevent any reactive resistance.
So instead of saying something like,
Please don't interrupt me,
Which the other person will immediately feel as though they're being attacked and therefore get defensive,
The request would be,
Would you be willing to let me finish my thought before you begin speaking?
What simple step are you going to take today to get started with compassionate communication?
Do you have a co-worker that you need to share something with?
Maybe you have a family member that you need to have a difficult conversation with.
Or maybe it's a partner and you really need to open up and share about how you're feeling.
Just using the compassionate communication technique and this will enrich your life and your relationships in so many ways.
Thank you for listening.
