Cody & David bring an arsenal of amusement as they tackle the difficult topic of intimate relationships.
Meet your Teacher
Boulder, CO, USA
Transcript
Hey, David. What's up, Cody? We got to talk. What is it? Well, Listen, It's not you. It's me. Man, Are we going to do an episode on relationships? Yes, We've got to do an episode on relationships. Welcome to Energy Matters, Exploring awakening to your authentic self and finding purpose through mind, Body, And soul with your hosts, Cody Edner and David Gandelman, Brought to you by intuitivevision. Net and groundedmind. Com. It's that time of year, Wouldn't you say? It is that time of year. Happy Valentine's Day, Cody. Yes, Happy Valentine's Day to you too, David. I got you a heart chakra shaped cookie. I got you a surprise. Oh, Thank you. Yeah, So this is a topic I think as kind of meditation teachers and spiritual teachers, We avoid as much as we can, Not being relationship experts or relationship coaches. But I have to say that, And I say this often, That around 70% of the one-on-one intuitive sessions, Coaching, Counseling, Reading sessions I do with people, The relationship question comes up and becomes the center of gravity of the reading or the session. And I don't know why, If that's what most people are going through, Or if it's the type of people that come to work with me. Do you notice that relationship questions come up often for you as well in your work? Yeah, Relationships are a big question. And you know, I think most of the human experience is about relationships and relating on one level or another. Of course, Today we were going to talk about romantic relationships, I think. But it does seem to be a question that comes up in almost every counseling. It's something about either finding a relationship or improving a relationship. Or healing wounds from an old relationship. Or letting go of a past relationship, Absolutely. So why are relationships so hard, Cody? On this, Can we finally, 2017 Valentine's Day, Can we finally crack the code and figure out why they're so difficult? That's right. And give the simple answer how to make them easy. Well, I was making a joke to you the other day where I think most people want someone just like them, But just a little different. So like them, But different enough, But not too different. And then a little bit better looking. A better, More beautiful version of myself, In the opposite sex, Or maybe the same sex, But with more femininity or masculinity. Yeah, In another person. The better version of me in another person. And that would be perfect, Then I could have the perfect relationship. I remember once someone interviewed me for, They were doing, Not a study, But they were just going around interviewing men and their perspective of women and relationships and all different types of men from all different walks of life. And then they wanted to kind of sit through the data and share it with their audience to see what men's perspectives were on women and on relationships. And she was disappointed, To say the least, With most of her interviews. I remember her mentioning the shallowness of some of the answers or the kind of thinness, The lack of depth when it came to understanding women was so pervasive with most of her interviews that she was just kind of appalled. And I remember mentioning that I noticed for a lot of women, Because I work with, Not all women, But 80, 90% of the classes I teach are women. 80, 90% of the people in the classes are probably women. And one of the things I mentioned was I noticed that as a, Not just women, But the feminine energy in general, It has a desire to be seen and to be heard. And that when, For example, A man and a woman get into an argument, A lot of times the masculine energy wants to be rational and logical. And you said this and I said that, You're not making any sense. But the feminine energy, Often a female, Wants just to be heard and to be seen and for their emotions to be acknowledged. And it's not necessarily about who's right and who's wrong. It's more about, Are you seeing and noticing me? And then in Valentine's Day, I think, And probably should be like every day like this for relationships, But the female wants to be acknowledged and seen. And I think that's why you have the man bringing roses, Bringing chocolates, Bringing flowers, Whatever it is to say, I acknowledge you, I love you. And no matter how cliche that is, Everyone still does it. Even you're getting some for your wife today, Cody, I know you are. So it's just a part of us, Our human nature, I guess, And the relationship between the masculine and the feminine. And then I think on the masculine side, Maybe the masculine wants to be seen too, But I think the masculine more wants to be like just acknowledged, Like I'm doing a good job. I did it right or I'm doing well. I'm on my path. And there's a great book, I think I mentioned it to you, Cody, It's called The Way of the Superior Man. And whether you're a man or a woman, I think it's a great read. If you haven't read it, David Data and his whole thesis. And I'm not saying he's totally right or wrong, But I think it's really interesting. His whole thesis is that the masculine energy, Whether it's in a man or a woman, More often than in a man, Wants to conquer the world and really be on its path. It's all about the path. And if you're not in your path, You're not accomplishing your life goals and you're doing something wrong. And feminine energy in all of us really wants to deepen into love. And then when you get a male, Female, Masculine, Feminine relationship, You have a man who is, It's hard to tie them down into commitment. The woman, The female wants to deepen in love and the man wants to conquer the world. And it's, He would say, He would say that it's a feminine's job to help deepen the relationship into love. And it's the masculine or the male's job to continue and be on his path, But also deepen into the relationship. And of course the female has and goes on her path or feminine energy could be, The man goes on their path as well. But like the center of gravity of the masculine and feminine are like those two directions, Like creating your path, Conquering the world, Deepening into love. And I've seen that that can often be true. I wouldn't say it's like blanket true all the time, But I've experienced that for sure myself going, I'm not sure about commitment here. I have this path, I must be on this path. And then the female energy going, No, Let's do this. Have you ever had that happen, Cody? Yeah, I've seen that. I've known people, Well, You know, Like you. Yeah, Interesting, Isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I think sometimes that masculine energy has a feeling that it needs to do whatever it's got to do on its own, Right? So I need to conquer this by myself. And the feminine energy is always wanting to bring things together and say, We can do this together. And I think that masculine has to come to a certain place to be able to maybe be mature enough in itself as an individual, In myself as an individual, To let go of that need to pull away and do it all on my own and to be able to bring that self into that togetherness. Are you giving me advice right now? Yeah, I'm just talking to you right now. You're the only one here. Right, We were talking a little bit about maturity and the extended adolescence, Right? Of this way in the world. There's a great teacher that I love to listen to, A Zen teacher. And I remember one of his students asking him, Why are you married? Aren't like enlightened Zen masters supposed to be alone and living in a monastery? And his response was great. He just said, You know, We all have different kinds of programming as we grow up, Like we should get married or we have different leanings with our desires. And he goes, I was programmed that I should get married growing up. And at a certain point, When I became conscious enough, I decided, You know what, I actually like that programming, And I actually do want to get married. And I like that aspect of life. So why not? Why is it better to be single and a monk than to be married and spiritual or have a partner and continue on the path and not one one isn't right and the other wrong? He was just saying that was my inclination. And so I was just being true to myself and going with it. But you can see these spiritual people kind of aren't you supposed to be alone? This is not the way of the Buddha. Yeah. Yeah. And that is something that can happen in that spiritual perspective. And in that pursuit to find myself, Right? It seems like it's easier to do that alone. But in fact, We are really social creatures. It really is about, You know, The human experience really is rooted in relationship and relating. And if you can find yourself together, How much richer is that than finding yourself alone? You know, Cody, One of the things I find fascinating is that, Like now with all the kind of dating apps, And there's so much opportunity to meet people and people are way more mobile than they used to be, You can fly to different cities and move around. Whereas back in, I think in your time, You grew up in like a small town or village and you kind of your population was limited. But at the same time, You see so much divorce and so many people having such a hard time with relationships. And I always wonder what that's about. What there's so much opportunity, You can literally match with a person just like you, If that's what you want to the T with hobbies, Before ever even meeting them. And still, There's so much turbulence. I guess maybe one of the reasons just even as I talk about it is that there's more kind of a permission to grow and change now than there used to be. Whereas you get married, You know, 50 years down the line, If you stayed together, You did a good job, You're successful. But now every few years or decade, There's, We have these huge changes in our personality and spiritual growth. And we become very different people than we used to be, You know, And I even see that, Like in my mom, She's a completely different person than when she was married to my dad. And she is really into spirituality now and meditating all the time. And she's a totally different person. And she didn't have that kind of space back in the in the old days. The way she does now kind of socially, There's a lot more permission to go, No, This isn't working for me, I'm going to try something else. But I do see that turbulence. And I work with so many people with relationship issues. It's wild to see it's perhaps the biggest thing, As I mentioned earlier, That I've seen working with people going on right now. Yeah, And it seems like that having so much more freedom is a part of that dynamic that you're talking about. Like now we have so much more freedom to move, We have so much more freedom and permission to remake ourselves and to grow and change that that's really changing. I don't know if it's so much the structure or just how relationships grow and unfold. And we're having to learn maybe how to have relationships in a new way. Different than I shouldn't say at my time, I'm not that old, But different generations of the past where, Like you say, Maybe, You know, You were in a small community, And, You know, Everybody kind of did the same job for their entire life. You know, It's not just that people in relationships are changing more over a lifetime, Look at people's work history. You know, You used to find a job, And that's what you did, Or you trained in it, And that's what you did. And now it's not like that. Same with living in the same location. We move more than ever. So I think we're in a society that where there is change happening on both an individual personal level and a societal level more than ever before. And we're trying to figure out how to handle that. How to be in that. Definitely. Let's talk a little bit too about relationship pain, Because that's a topic that often comes up in our work. And I think a lot of people have a hard time creating a relationship because of past relationship pain. And then they go into the next one, And they kind of replay what happened in the last one over and over. And I remember I was driving with a friend once, And she looked over at me, Totally platonic friend, And she looked over at me, And I could feel, I'm not even kidding, I could feel my face turning into the face of her ex partner, And her looking at me through an image of what he was like. And I could feel this like weird queasiness in my body, Like, Oh, Don't look at me like I'm him. I'm not like him at all. But sometimes when we have deep levels of pain, We start to see the world through that pain, And especially in relationships. So for women, Sometimes we've had a lot of pain, Like, Every guy is a cheat. Every guy doesn't really care. They only care about one thing. And they start to see things in a certain perspective, Which hardens their reality, And they recreate the same thing, Which kind of is a loop, And it feeds their idea that they're right. And we all get stuck in patterns like that in different ways. And I see it often, Often in relationships. But one of the questions I get a lot, And I try to incorporate into the meditations and teachings that I do, Is how to find some of those pockets of pain, Like where they reside energetically in the body, And how to release them and be aware of them so you don't replay your relationship dramas over and over again. And you can actually look at a person kind of from a new perspective and be more neutral and see them for who they are. But to do that, I think you have to treat yourself that way too. Right? So we have this fantasy, We're going to do that with somebody else, But you have to see yourself as an, From a neutral perspective every time, And not that same old walking ball of pain that you think you are, Or thought you were. And relationships hurt, Don't they? It's like, There's nothing that hurts more than a nice big zinger from a relationship that didn't work out. For whatever reason, The heart is so, So sensitive to that, That those kind of pockets of pain can last a really long time. So happy Valentine's Day, Everybody. Yeah, That's a nice thing to bring up on Valentine's Day, Is we want to talk about pain, Loneliness, Failed relationships. Thanks a lot, David. I had a next girlfriend once who, She was starting to get really upset about something and talk about it. And it was such a small thing. And instead of getting caught up in it and arguing with her, I took a step back and I just kind of looked at her for a moment. And I realized, Oh, It's totally something else. And I just looked at her in the eyes and said, Honey, What is it really? What are you upset about? It's okay. And she didn't realize she was upset about something else. But when she did realize what it was, She just like exploded. And the tears started coming. And instead of an argument, There was a big healing. And that was one of my better moments because I'm not pretending that I do that every moment all the time. You just shared your one and only moment, Right? That was my only time. This one time. This happens. This one time, Me no mess up and she'd like me. But it was a profound moment for the both of us and maybe a little Valentine's Day idea of when you approach relationship, When you get caught in the argument or caught in the drama or caught in the pain, Can you step back and go, What is this really about? And be vulnerable and honest, Rather than try to win an argument. Because even if you win an argument, You lost. I've never won an argument with a woman and really won. And my advice is you want to lose. Trust me. That's funny. All right. So this podcast is turning into a David therapy session. Well, I mean, It's amazing. Like I said, 70 plus percent of my clients and students, That's what comes up. So, You know, That's a workshop that I've done over the years is focused on releasing the energy of past relationships. And it's amazing to do that work with a group of people and hear some of the stories where we're, You know, Working the energy, Going into meditation, Kind of evaluating, Looking at those past relationships and really being sensitive to what comes up around them and then releasing it so that you can get your energy back and kind of not bring the pain of a last, You know, Past relationship forward, Not recreate some of the energy dynamics. And sometimes some of those relationships are, Have been completed for a number of years and people still find a tremendous amount of charge that they're still carrying. We don't really release the past relationships in our lives that easily. You know, We don't really release them without a little bit of self-reflection and a little bit of space and time to process. Cause it is so, You know, Right at the heart of things. It's really so sensitive part. So time is a part of it. I think meditation and really self-reflection is another part of growing through our relationships as we live and move forward. Yeah. And I think as a meditator for me, You know, Having done it so long, Sometimes I want to sit down and get through something right away. We all have this like instant gratification picture that we want. I just want to be done. I'm done with it. I'm healed. It's over. And that's rarely, Rarely reality for whatever reason. I think it just kind of come, Things come out over time and you don't really get to choose why or when. And sometimes you sit for a meditation and like something from two, Three, Four years ago just comes up to the surface. And the first thought is always like, Oh, I can't believe I'm still stuck on this. But if you can kind of get out of the way a little bit, It just might be what's coming up and out next, Rather than kind of being invalidated that you're working through something. Cause there is a sense of mystery of just certain mornings, Certain nights you sit to meditate and just things come up and out. And if you could kind of roll with it and flow with it and let it happen, You'll be much better off than validating yourself. Every time you think you should be farther along than you are. And I've seen, I've seen so many people get stuck with that where they think they should be over a relationship because it's over. Or it's been over for so long, But they're just not, You know, And you have to start where you actually are, Where you're just not. And if you can be there, Then you can actually get out of it and, And be over it at a certain point in a healthy way. Let's, Um, I also wanted to talk, We only have a few minutes left, Cody, But I want to talk a bit about relationships and meditation. Have you ever taught that or practice that where you sit with a partner and actually meditate with them, Maybe sit across from each other? Or do you just call that an average evening where you go, You'd be quiet. I'll be quiet. We don't need to talk. Um, You know, That, That's a really, That's a good question, David. I asked Cody to say that's a good question at some point in this show, Because someone commented recently on, You know, Our podcast are on insight timer, The, Uh, The app and someone said, Why does Cody keep saying that's a really good question, Which I responded to was because I asked really great questions and he just wants to validate me. So go ahead. It was a good question. Go ahead. Continue. David just needs to be validated along the way. It is Valentine's day. Say something nice to me, Cody. Certainly over the years, I've, I've practiced that where you meditate together, Right? It's in a relationship where both people are meditators. And I've been doing that for a long time. And I think that's a good thing, Because I think that's a good thing. And then, Um, I think it's a good thing. And I think that's a good thing. I think that's a good thing. Um, And then you know, I'm going to talk about that where you meditate together, Right? It's in a relationship where both people are meditators, Um, That just seems to fit. It's like doing an activity together I don't necessarily make it a regular practice. I don't know what's, What's, And your, Your wife is a meditator, Right? Yeah. Yeah. That's great. So what, What have you found with that over the years? Yeah, I think it's a, I think it's a great, Really, Really great practice. You never have a relationship go long enough to get to that point. Oh, Did he just say that? Oh my God. Um, Where do I go from there? How do I shake that off? Yeah, I, I actually think it's a really powerful practice. Um, I do because we think that to get to everything in a relationship, We need to talk about things. And yes, You do, But sometimes you need the opposite, Which is just to sit together and not talk and maybe more will come out kind of telepathically or energetically. And you both just come to an awareness together. So, You know, In a relationship, There's almost like three entities. There's you, The other person, And then there's the relationship, Which I think is its own entity. It's like its own thing. Uh, It's like when you start a business, Right? It's its own thing. When you start a relationship, It's its own thing. And so that thing, That entity, That space needs attention and nurturing. And when you meditate and sit still together for a while, I think that's a great way to do that. You just start to get a sense of the other person's energy rather than just always communicating with their mind. And I think it's a great way to somebody else's heart is by not talking for a while. It doesn't have to be through intimacy. You could just be sitting still together. And I don't think there's a right way to do it, But I think one of the nice ways is just kind of sit cross-legged across from the person, Maybe kind of knees touching. And for Valentine's Day, You can go a little further and like take your hand and put it on the other person's heart center. See how long you can sit there with that. And maybe you'll go, Ooh, This is greater. Ooh, I don't like you. But I think the through touch, You do get a sense of somebody's energy and what's going on. But it could be a very simple kind of more like, You know, Cody, You teach and I've taken your hands-on healing classes with spiritual touch, Right? You just touch someone and you notice their energy from that touch. How do you. . . Yeah. And that's really a different way to connect. And I think, Like you're saying, To do that together in a relationship, Either meditate and just come into your full presence and just share that with one another. That's a very different way to connect than, Like you say, Through the mind or through talking and communication. And definitely there's space for that. But I think one of the things, Like you were saying, There's, You know, Two, There's a third space in a relationship. And when we meditate, We tend to come into our full presence, Like to be a hundred percent of ourselves, Right? And in a relationship, So often there's this picture of, It's kind of 50-50, You know, It's like, Okay, What am I bringing to the relationship? And what are you bringing to the relationship? And then there's the things I can't bring. And really, I think a relationship that works is a hundred percent, A hundred percent. It's each person brings a hundred percent of themselves to that relationship. And to sit together and meditate or to come into an acknowledgement of the spirit and the energy of that other person, The whole totality really creates more space in that relationship, In that third space. Because very often, If it is 50-50, If someone's kind of not able to be their whole selves in the relationship, The other person might start to really try to solve that and step in and start to almost become the relationship to fix it. Or become the healer of the relationship. Or take responsibility for the whole relationship, Where when we sit together and acknowledge the totality or the whole presence of the other, Then we realize that we both have, You know, A hundred percent of ourselves there and a whole responsibility for the relationship. It doesn't fall on one side or the other. We're both responsible for how we feel in the relationship. We're both responsible for contributing to creating that relationship. We're both fully here. And in meditation is where we really can see and sense that message, Which can't really be verbalized totally. Yeah, Definitely. And one of my favorite teachers, Toni DiMarco, She would say that you have to have agreements. You know, A relationship is a set of agreements. It's almost like a contract. And that you have to periodically sit down and renegotiate it and make sure you're on the same page. And if you're not, And if you don't talk about it, Then it plays out in worse ways. So little Valentine's Day advice from my teacher, Toni DiMarco, Renegotiate your agreements. Yeah, It's a great night. Some of those are verbal and some of them happen just in that energy connection. Because all of life is an agreement and we enter into unspoken energy agreements everywhere we go. And in that relationship, When we come together and really connect, Those unspoken agreements start to show themselves and maybe realign. And we come back to an energy match, I guess. And then when it comes to the topic we're all most interested in, Intimacy. Oh, We're out of time. Well, Thank you everyone for listening. We'll mention something about that before we finish. But I think if you meditate together, Not that you should always meditate together, But if you do meditate together, Over time, There's an energy, A subtle energy that builds and it will help your intimacy space. Because it just it's natural that awareness breeds intimacy. So it helps in a lot of different regards. And if you don't have a partner, Where do we go from there, Cody? I don't know. You tell me, David. Well, I wanted to mention that I saw this earlier today. A friend of mine, Andrea Reni from gohappygrohealthy. Com, She posted this great thing, Which, What did it say? It was, Oh, You should make sure you fall in love with the person you have to spend the rest of your life with, Which is you. And I think that's so true. And if you can do that, Then any other relationship will come much easier. But so many of us look to somebody else to love us. And those kinds of relationships rarely last. But obviously, If you can really deepen into yourself, Then you can deepen in with someone else to a relationship if they're willing to deepen into themselves. And I think we're all looking for that. If you're listening to this anyway, Meditating, You're probably looking for that deeper level of connection with yourself and with somebody else. And I think just ourselves, We're so complicated when you bring in a second person, It really, The complication is exponential. And so that's why relationships are so hard. Now you're dealing with two people, Spiritual growth, And a third entity, Which you call this relationship. So happy Valentine's Day. That other person is a mirror, Right? In any given relationship, That other person is a mirror. But in our intimate relationships, We've got a mirror that we can't get away from. It's right there all the time. So it does make it a little bit challenging, But it is probably one of the biggest places where we have potential for growth is in our intimate relationships where we can support each other and grow in ourselves. And we grow together, Of course, But we grow individually within ourselves through that relationship. Yeah, For sure. Well, We are out of time today, But a really great topic. We should do a part two, Three and four on this one. Okay, I'm sure I think we've got some Valentine's shopping to go do. And oh, Yeah, I just want to mention before we finish a couple things. If you go to energy matters podcast. Com, All the episodes are on there. And some links to Cody and mine work, You could check it out. Or if you listen on iTunes, That's cool. You can listen to some of our episodes on insight timer, The meditation app, Of course, Cody's website, Intuitive vision. Net, Mine grounded mind. Com. And if you happen to be in Southern California in May, I'm doing a retreat May 18 to the 21st. There's a few spots left, I think you could check that out there too. And wish you guys all the best in your relationship space, Your personal and intimate relationship spaces. Have an awesome day. And we'll see you next time. Take care, Everybody. See you soon. You've been listening to the energy matters podcast with Cody Etner and David Gandleman brought to you by intuitive vision. Net and grounded mind. Com. Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, Stitcher or soundcloud. Com.
4.3 (892)
Holli
May 5, 2026
This is so good. I love the framing of the relationship as a third space. It’s helpful in looking at energy agreements. Makes sense is a different way. I’d love to see a track on the relationship bubble imagery you did the other day. Also a live or talk on expectations? Just had a big aha moment yesterday on how much those come into play in my relationships and even just everyday encounters.
Lori
August 15, 2025
Super helpful & validating!! 🙏🏻
Judith
April 3, 2023
Love the energy between you that alone is a relationship template. Thank you.
Stacey
February 18, 2022
This was so interesting and insightful guys! Thanks so much, I really enjoyed the message here you both conveyed✨🌸💖
NuttyNatti
December 19, 2021
This was brilliant! Really loved the humour you brought to this. Thank you David & Cody ❤️
Lorraine
August 3, 2021
Great conversation and a sharing of male perspective. And very insightful of women.
Susana
March 30, 2020
Loved it, thank you 🙏 The 100% from both in a relationship and full responsibility resonated very much with me.
Laura
March 8, 2020
Excellent review of self and how we show up. Great insight. Thank you both
Sarah
February 10, 2020
Some shiny nuggets of wisedom
Shay
August 11, 2019
These guys are great. Highly recommended it you want to laugh and gain wisdom at the same time. These are two very happy people. It's contagious! Thank you both.
annette
October 24, 2018
Very satisfied thank you 😀💗💗😃🌟🌟✌
🌉iAmMillennia🌌
March 15, 2018
Great information delivered in a run and light hearted manner!😊💕💞
Miriam
February 28, 2018
Thank you! It was the right thing to the right time. 💖💖💖
Mmccg
February 27, 2018
You guys are funny and loved this podcast!!👍🏻
BJ22
February 4, 2018
Listened to with my husband. Very helpful. Going to try listening to a short meditation together. Thanks for the advice. Namaste 🙏
Krista
December 18, 2017
Absolutely love listening to you guys- so happy to have found your podcast here and going to website/social media to follow you two more - so much love and light and learning!
Mio
November 24, 2017
Great talk! Yes more episodes pls.
JurGita
October 20, 2017
That was super interesting! Happy I found this talk! :)
Trudi
September 16, 2017
Lovely messages, easy to listen too, fun and insightful...I look forward to learning more from you guys 💜🙏💜
sue
September 3, 2017
I so enjoyed this pod cast. The flow of conversation about energy in relationships . It left me feeling so light and free by the finish. Thank you guys !
