It's a tender thing,
A vulnerable thing to be loved.
And I,
I like control.
I'm well acquainted with deflecting,
Not letting it in,
A hardness in my heart,
A wall in my chest.
I'm a master at conjuring up ways I don't deserve it,
As if love is some sort of reward system.
I wait for the good enough bell to ring before allowing myself to soften.
I'm well acquainted with the practice of protecting myself.
I won't let it in for fear.
I owe you something,
Shielding the manipulative kind of love.
What do you want of me?
I'm too familiar with straining,
Striving,
And grasping to earn my place in this world.
The ache in my neck signals I've tried to control it all on my own,
And I'm tired.
Good God,
You're well acquainted with the ins and the outs of these walls I erect.
You stand at the door and knock,
Never pushing your way through,
Waiting for me.
Your patience as slow as honey dripping from a winter bottle.
You extend a constant invitation.
And sometimes you know I need rescuing from myself,
And so you run after me like light chasing the ground in the morning sun.
You come to my rescue.
Before my self-destruction or self-numbing goes too far,
You ever pursue me.
And after all the times I've pushed you away,
You don't stray.
Maybe instead of the hustle and muscle,
My goal is surrender.
All to thee,
My blessed savior,
I surrender all.
There's a great mystery in the alchemy of my pain.
God's love is the exchange,
And here in this moment,
I feel open.
Spirit of God,
Speak your whispers in the wisdom of my body.
What is it you want to say?
Compassion,
Brave heart,
Is the best way through.
I see what you carry.
I see what you've been through.
Darling,
I'm sorry for the counterfeit love you've encountered,
The love that manipulated,
Misused,
And caused you pain.
What was done to you was done to me all the same,
And I burn with a holy anger for the injustices you've endured.
My child,
Please know I've never left you.
And when you're ready,
You can let go of that pain,
Holding on with that grip.
There's nothing to gain.
In you now,
There's a space for my love to grow.
Be ever so gentle with yourself,
As this is something that will take time.
It takes practice and patience to open your beautiful mind to the idea that my love is good ever for you.
You need not do nothing in return,
But allow it to fill you.
I'm closer than your breath.
Before you,
Behind you,
Ever near you,
Wrapped around and within you.
Exhale,
Rest,
And receive.
You are loved.
You are loved.
You are loved.
