Step 9 Wisdom: How To Liberate Yourself From Past Regrets

26:41

Step 9 Wisdom: How To Liberate Yourself From Past Regrets

by Vivekadevi Noh-Kuhn

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Find freedom from regret and guilt through owning your past mistakes and taking active responsibility to set your interpersonal relationships right. In this session, we dive into Step 9—"Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." The core objective of this step is Integrity—fully aligning your outer actions with your highest inner spiritual aspirations. Through the practice of Gyana Yoga (the yoga of wisdom), we learn to look at our lives with total objectivity, recognizing that our past mistakes do not define our self-worth. By evaluating our behavior through the foundational principles of Ahimsa (non-harming) and Satya (truthfulness), we gain the wisdom, good judgment, prudence, and good sense of timing to navigate making amends with others safely and effectively.

Values Contemplation Forgiveness Practice Life Review Meditation Guilt 12 Step Program Making Amends Ahimsa Spiritual Aspirations Spiritual Freedom Amends Self Care Commitment Personal Inventory

Meet your Teacher

Vivekadevi Noh-Kuhn

Palo Alto, CA, USA

Meet your Teacher

Vivekadevi Noh-Kuhn

Palo Alto, CA, USA

Transcript

So today we're focusing on step nine of the 12 steps. And step nine is about making amends or putting things right. The spiritual principle is integrity. So aligning our inner and outer life, Aligning our outer life by our inner aspirations, Our spiritual aspirations. And so making, Attending to whatever needs to be corrected and addressed. In Step 9 from AA's 12 and 12, The reading is, Now, Such people refers to what we talked about last week, Which is a list of people we have harmed. So, And included on that list can be yourself. Very often, It is ourselves that we want to have on the list and that will need to make some level of amends to. So what are we talking about with amends? I'm going to read from our manual of yoga and the 12 steps from some of the, As I did already, From the 12 steps themselves. And anyway, I'll just sprinkle some readings and talk about it. So at the beginning of step nine, It says, Good judgment a careful sense of timing, Courage, And prudence. These are the qualities we shall need to take with us in Step 9. A careful sense of timing, Good judgment, Courage, And prudence. So part of what we're looking at in step nine is As I said, Amending something, Some form of harm that we've done. The spiritual, The yoga principle of step nine is ahimsa, Non-harming. So part of what we're doing in this practice is actively cultivating ahimsa by looking at our life to see where have my thoughts, My actions, My behavior patterns been harmful to others and where have they been harmful to me and what can I do to correct that. So the direct amends of, Last week I mentioned diet. For some, That can be actually a very meaningful practice of amends to the self to make it a point to take better care of the body and to say to yourself, You know, I'm sorry body that I haven't been taking really good care of you. I've been asking you to deliver, To do for me, To be at this vehicle in the world. This beautiful body of ours, It houses our soul. We say in yoga, We have a body, We are not the body. And it's true, We aren't. But we have it, And it's a great blessing and honor to have a body. It allows us to awaken to our soul nature, To be here, And to live and develop our spiritual life. So a way that you can amend that is to make a commitment to act differently around, Let's say in this case, Nutrition. Maybe you need some help for that, Right? So it's not so much that you I'll go back to step seven a little bit. In step seven, When we see things, Limitations in our life, We're humbly asking God to help us with those limitations. So we go to eight. I've seen my limitations. I go to eight. Who have I harmed? Maybe I've harmed myself with a lack of self-care. Okay, Step nine, I'm willing to amend that. I want to amend that. Well, I'm going to keep bringing grace into the equation. It's not that I make a decision and I just do it. So that's going to be part of figuring out, Understanding what is step nine going to look like depending on Who has been harmed and how have they been harmed? So Ahimsa also lines up with Satya, Truthfulness here. So we're being truthful with ourselves and in is a reminder in yoga the spiritual practice of truth is that it's always beneficial and there's a difference between truth and fact. If facts are harming, We do not speak them. That is not truthfulness. And it's not appropriate. So if you're needing to convey information, The practice of satya is to find a way to be discerning about it. So prudence, When it says prudence and timing. Sometimes it is the right thing to say, But it's the wrong time to say it. There's a famous story, Yeah it is famous I can say, In the world of Ananda, Where Swami Kriyananda, A group of devotees came to him to complain about someone who was very, Very difficult to work with. And every person had kind of done their best and they were really struggling with this person's behavior traits. And so Swamiji listened to them, The small group who came to him for help, And he agreed. He said, You know, That individual He does have that limitation. It's true. He does have that limitation. And it would be helpful for him to have that pointed out to him. And those who tell the story say, Oh, They were so relieved. Like, OK, It's not just us. Swamiji agrees. He agrees that this behavior pattern is very difficult. And Swamiji has said it's important to tell him. And then he didn't tell him. So for a long time, 10 years, He didn't tell him. He did not tell this individual. He agreed, Yes, He does struggle with that limitation. It creates problems in his interpersonal relationships and his work life. It is difficult. It should be pointed out to him. It would be very helpful for him to see this. And then the timing of that was 10 years. And in 10 years time, Was a moment where that individual was ready to be corrected and Swamiji corrected him. And he could hear it. He could hear the correction. He could look at it and say, Yes, Sir, That's true. That's true. That is something and he could work with it. So that's the satya peace. I just want to mention that when we're looking at our life, And we're looking at ahimsa, Especially around behavior and thoughts. So I'm going to say a few things that can seem really silly and obvious, But in my experience, They aren't always so obvious. So one of them, This can come up definitely in 12-step community where people are trying to work this step, And they'll wonder, Well, Should I tell someone that I don't like them, Right? And that whenever I see them, I, You know, I'm really unhappy to see them. And they irritate me. And I feel bad about the fact that I think that way about them. So would it be good to tell them? No. It would not be good to tell them. That is not the practice of non-harming. So it might seem really obvious, But then the individual. . . Really needs to know, Well, What do I do then? What you can do is practice holding different thoughts. You recognize, Well that's not appropriate, That's not kind. That's not the highest way for me to be with this individual. Maybe they do irritate me. Maybe I don't like them very much. We have likes and dislikes. But it's harmful to hold those attitudes for someone, That every time they come, There's an inner thought, Oh, Here they come. And they have to deal with, On the mental level, Harmful thoughts about them. Say that vibration, Thoughts have power. And so holding those kinds of thoughts about someone can be very harming to them. They absolutely can feel that. Many people do feel it. I mean, Maybe you have felt it when you've sensed that someone didn't have kind thoughts about you. So the way to amend that is to recognize, OK, That's not appropriate. That's not my highest self. That does not align with the integrity of my spiritual aspirations. So instead, I will change my behavior. I'll never speak it. No, It's not appropriate to speak it. But I will hold a different thought about that person when I see them. I will affirm that they are a divine soul. I will look for the very best in them, And I will give them a chance to shine. Well, That is amends, And that's a beautiful amends. So recognizing when we're off course with our spiritual practices, And in yoga we always go back to the yamas and niyamas, And then utilizing them to move forward. So the other piece, Because it says direct amends except when to do so would harm them, Well that would be harming. So the amends is a behind the scenes amends. It's an amending of the way that you live. It's called living amends. Very often living amends are some of the most powerful kinds of amends to practice. So that's part of it is to look at it in that way. I was going to read a little bit from the manual of Yoga and the Twelve Steps, So let me do that. I have that here on my lap. Okay, Yoga and the 12 steps. Step nine, Integrity with self and others. That's the title of our talk today. Standing in your truth. It's not easy to stand in and speak our truth. Sometimes it requires saying things others do not want to hear. Other times it may involve seeing something in ourselves we don't want to see. But as the saying goes, The truth has the power to set us free. In step 9 of the 12 steps, We look at owning our past mistakes and making direct amends to those we have harmed whenever possible, Except when to do so would injure them or others. Navigating this step well takes self-knowledge, Self-understanding, Inner strength, And divine assistance. We need to know who we are. Separate from our actions, To feel rooted in our wholeness and understand that our behavior does not define nor determine our worth. This is very important in the practice of Step 9 and it's one of the reasons that saying I'm sorry or acknowledging a mistake when we see a mistake can be so challenging. If I'm not standing in my highest truth, If I'm not standing in the realization that I am a soul and that's our affirmation and it's the truth of who we are. So we practice living in that and we need to be rooted to it enough so that I can say I'm sorry for something and know that that mistake does not define me. I can be genuinely sorry about it. Without getting confused that it somehow means I'm less than a shining divine soul This is a tricky thing sometimes occasionally You know you could it can be misused. So I will say I was working with someone one time who was over emphasizing I guess you could say it's hard to imagine over emphasizing your divinity, But what she was over emphasizing was basically she didn't need to make amends because you know, She's such a good person and you know, Those in her life who she had harmed. And this was coming not just from drinking, But some other behavior. And so what she and I sat with is why do we do this step, Right? Why do we do this step if we are souls and we're divine souls and we aren't defined by our mistakes? Well, Part of it, And I'll come back to the word integrity, Is to stand honestly and truthfully in what is false about what has been false. So the yamas and niyamas help us to see I'm not that. And by naming it, I am declaring and affirming that behavior is not a reflection of my highest self, And it's not a reflection of how I feel about you. So very often when we're saying we're sorry to someone, What we're affirming is how much we care about them, And that behavior did not reflect it. So we're human beings. We get hurt by the actions of others, And it can be very healing to have someone acknowledge when they have hurt us. They don't become smaller, They become larger in their soul nature. And the other part of it is that we aren't simply just saying, That I'm sorry for doing something, But I have put forth within myself a commitment to do it differently. It doesn't mean that I will never make that mistake again, But it's very, Very meaningful to declare that I am committed to not making that mistake again, And I will do everything in my power to not do that again. Quite often when you're mentoring someone to help them or if someone is mentoring you to get ready for that, Quite often the right behavior has already been put in place. You know, It's step nine. It's not step one. It's not step two, Three or four. Like it's a ways. There's a fair amount of spiritual practice that we've done to get to the point that we can understand we are not our mistake. And we can own them with clarity and with an inner commitment to live differently. And so by the time it happens, Quite often people see that sincerity already. And they might say, Oh, You didn't need to apologize. So this is the other piece of it. Someone might say, Oh, You don't need to apologize. I would say when that happens, I let people have their experience. That's part of the practice of this step. So let's say someone says, You didn't need to apologize. It's fine. And say, Well, I don't feel good about it. And so I wanted to tell you that. I just wanted to tell you that. I don't feel good about that. And I don't want to do that again. And I'm sorry that I did. That is powerful, And it's really powerful for your own spiritual life. In the big book, This is kind of the classic terminology for the main text for AA, There is a list of promises that come from working the spiritual program. So not just sobriety, Not just not drinking, But actually living a deeply spiritual life, Living by all the principles that are in the 12 steps, Which are all the principles in yoga. As Yogananda said, Truth is universal. So these spiritual principles, You will find them in all true paths. The promises, I thought I would read them. Because what's really interesting about them is they follow step nine. So it is said and understood in the 12-step community that when you get to the ninth step, And even before you have finished it, You will begin to experience the fruits of your spiritual practice. So this is what it says. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, We will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past, Nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity, And we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, We will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in others. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, Sometimes quickly, Sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. These promises are a foundation for the practice of the 12 steps. They're a promise, Right? They are the promises. And part of what happens at this phase of the practice, Because we're so rooted in our highest truth, We are able to speak honestly about anything that seems not quite fully integrity, Right, In alignment. It doesn't have to be something I'm afraid of. Now, It's important to not overemphasize, Right? So the whole path isn't step nine constantly. We don't want to be out of balance with it. And I was thinking in preparing for today, I was thinking of a movie I saw where the main character kept apologizing. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And the person she was with was frustrated, Like, Stop apologizing, Quit saying I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry, Right? And then she heard herself say, I'm sorry. So we don't want to be living in that way. That's not the intention. Really, We want to be able, And it doesn't have to be a lot, So let me say that. Maybe there's only a few things, Or maybe they're all behind the scenes. Maybe you aren't going to speak directly to anybody, But you will see for yourself, Hmm, That wasn't the best way to handle that. I'm going to handle it differently. So this is where a mentor and a teacher can be helpful, I will say. It can be difficult to know Navigate step nine to know well, Should I apologize for that? Is it necessary to apologize? Is it better to simply write pray about it, Right? So it's not it's not obvious That's just what I want to say, But the intention to live it is Incredibly powerful and it sets us free. I don't have to be afraid of mistakes and that's one of the biggest gifts I've seen in this practice is that in the tenth step we'll look at next week. The tenth step is that we continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong we promptly admit it. So we go through this practice and step nine is kind of the big amends, Right? It's very often the first time for people to be looking at the landscape of their life and unless this is already a practice for you. And many people, It's not a practice, Right? Some too much, They apologize too much, But many, They don't have that practice. So you look at the big things, You work with someone generally to get some help and clarity on this, Because there are things you don't need to apologize for. And sometimes that needs to be pointed out. Like, No, I don't think that was anything you need to apologize for. I think you were in the middle of something, But I don't think you did anything. Okay, So step 10, Where we promptly admit it. What I have found from this practice is that occasionally, You know, I might have the thought, Oh, Let's say maybe I felt I was short with somebody, Right? I got caught up in time, In the hurriness of something, And someone was asking me a question, And I didn't give full attention to them when they asked the question. I looked at them, I had an interaction, But then later, When I was able to be more centered or more settled, I recognized, Wait a minute, That didn't feel right. They were coming to me and asking a question, And I let the busyness of my day and my schedule keep me from either saying, I don't have the time to be fully present for a conversation, So let's talk at another time, Which would be appropriate. It's fine. Sometimes we don't have the time. But to say, Yes, I can talk when I can't really talk, Or I just need to bring myself to the moment and say, Let go of all those other things and really be here now. So if that, It's happened to me, It doesn't feel good, I feel such sense of liberation when I remember I can apologize. Like it's just suddenly will dawn on me because I'll it'll kind of come back like I don't feel good about that and then I'll think well was it okay am I being you know like the process you can go through discernment and then it dawns on me you know if you were off on that you can apologize you can write them you can call them you can reach out to them and just speak very clearly and very directly about what you're feeling and say I'm sorry You know, I'm sorry I was distracted when you asked me that question today. And I don't feel that I was fully present to you when we were talking. And I want to apologize for that. And so it's so good to see you. And I really, You know, You don't have to say a lot. Sometimes that's enough. And then, And I talked about this last week with step eight, Then the debris of that day. Is tossed into the fire of purification. I don't need to carry it. I don't need to carry it. I carried so many feelings of not doing it well enough, Which is its own thing. That's its own thing to be corrected. But this practice helps to just sweep the street. Just clean up your street, Clean your house. At the end of the day, Say, Well, I've done my best and I give it to God. And if I'm not sure if I should apologize, Sometimes I'm not sure. An old perfectionist idea, Then wait 24 hours. Give it to God. I say to God, I'm willing, And that's the main thing. Am I willing to make amends if it's needed? That is such a moment of transformation and freedom. And that's where, In my experience, We no longer regret the past comes from. Because I can do something about it. Even if what I'm doing is in prayer and meditation and no one ever hears it other than God or my spiritual teacher. Maybe I talk to my teacher about it. And the most important thing, Don't connect with whomever again, But pray about it. There are different ways, Is what I'm saying. And that very practice frees us from the burden of regret. Yogananda and Swami said that one of the things that brings us back to reincarnate is regret. Longing and regret. This attends to regret. No more regret. No need to regret. Mistakes it's okay. It's okay, We can amend them, Right? And with grace transcend them and really be different and live differently. And this practice I find keeps my house in order. It helps me keep my house in order. So I hope that it's helpful for you today. I will, As we're closing, I'll look at, Often we give home practice in the course. And so, Yes, Just what I'm feeling in this moment is I don't think I need to look at this. I think I'll just say to you, Stay attentive to integrity. And as you move through this week, Just be mindful and aware of, Do I feel like my thoughts, My actions, My behaviors are in alignment with my highest truth? And if anything feels a little off, Take it to prayer. Take it to meditation. Ask, Is there a need for correction here? And if there is, Guide me in how to do that. OK, Great souls. Wonderful to be with you today. Many, Many blessings to you.