Why You Don’t Trust Yourself

25:31

Why You Don’t Trust Yourself

by Anna Thellmann

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5

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talks

Activity

Meditation

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Everyone

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10

Live Class Recording - Why don’t you trust yourself even when you’ve made plenty of good decisions? In this track, you’ll discover how focusing on your mistakes while dismissing your successes slowly weakens your self-trust. Learn how curiosity, courage, and one simple question can help you stop second-guessing yourself and make decisions with greater confidence.

Self Trust Expectation Management Inner Critic Courage Mind Body Connection Self Compassion Habit Change

Meet your Teacher

Shenyang, Liaoning, China

Meet your Teacher

Shenyang, Liaoning, China

Transcript

Why don't you trust yourself, Even though you have evidence? That you can trust yourself. But why don't you? Today, I'm not giving you the reason why you don't trust yourself, But I give you the reason that I see in most of my clients, That they experience and share with me and that I might have experienced myself and that I see friends, Family do as well. So that's the reason that I'm sharing today. So let me give you a scenario. Let's imagine you want to go on holiday and you are the one who's planning the holiday for your family, For your friends, Girls trip, Whatever it is. But let's pretend you have a family. Husband, Partner, Spouse, Whatever it is, Children, Dog, Cat, They all come with you. And you are booking the hotel, The flights, Et cetera, Et cetera. For the hotel you had a list. Many different hotels and you narrowed it down step by step by step until you decided on this particular hotel. So you fly there, You arrive, And your expectations are, This is a great hotel. The reviews were great. The breakfast is exceptional. I love it when the hotel has an exceptional breakfast. That's what I go for. And you have high hopes, You hope that there's something for each of you in this hotel and that you can have a relaxed and enjoyable time. Now you arrive, Your family is happy. They love it. Girlfriends are happy. They say, Oh, Amazing. This is so great. This is just what we needed. And everyone is happy. And you say, Thank you. Cool. I'm happy that everyone is happy. Same scenario, But the outcome is a bit different. You booked everything, Picked the hotel, You arrive there, And now your family, Friends, Or whoever, Is just annoyed. It's like, What's this? Or the service is bad, Or the rooms are dirty, Or it's not as advertised, Or there is probably some works, Building works going on, Whatever, But they are not happy, And they are complaining a lot. So what happens for you then is you decide that you made a bad choice. You decide that you made a mistake. You decide that blaming and shaming yourself is now the right step forward. Oh, Why didn't I call? Oh, Why didn't I look for other hotels? Oh, Why didn't I believe that one review out of the 500 that said it's not good? Why, Why, Why, Why, Why did I? So self-doubt, You generate self-doubt. Now the next time you go on holiday. . . And you are the one planning it again. You are careful. Because that one time, That wasn't as expected. You took that with you. The fear is now in. It's in your blood, In your bones, In your brain, In your filter system. And it's causing you to doubt and question your decisions. Maybe it starts with the same scenario, Holiday booking, Hotel booking. And you double check with your partner, With your girlfriends, With whoever you're going on holidays, Like what are you saying? What's your opinion on this? Do you think we should take this? And when they say, Yeah, Yeah, I trust you, It's like. But I don't trust myself. So you don't want to make that decision because you're afraid. That it doesn't match your expectations. Or maybe your expectations are that it's just horrible what you picked and then your expectations get confirmed and you have a confirmation that you're not good in it and that you can doubt yourself and that your decision-making is bad. And why that is, Why you keep that with you. Is yes, There are things happened in the past. But also because when you have a success, When you have that booking and everything's going to plan and everyone is happy. It's like. . . You either say. . . Great, Now I can breathe out. Well done, Okay. But that's it, That's the end of the story. There is no parading your ability to make that decision and to book everything. You're not paying attention, You're not giving you the credit. That you deserve for making it happen. Push it aside and say, Okay, I'm glad that everyone's happy. I'm glad that everyone's gotten what they wanted. Okay, Quiet. But when you make a mistake in your head, When it doesn't fulfill your expectations, You hold onto that. There is a parade, But a parade of shame and self-shame and self-blame. That's what you're parading then for maybe the rest of the holiday. You're taking it with you home and you continue that parade. And that's the difference. The one thing, When it's going according to your expectations, Everyone is happy. And it shows, You have evidence that You made a great decision. You can trust yourself in your choice-making skills. You take it for granted. You don't look at it like this is a big thing. Oh my God, Amazing. How good am I? No. Push it off, You can brush it off and say it well. Lucky pick. Or so you put yourself down with something that pops into your head or it was just, That's just luck or, Well, I did research really, Really hard. So you give an explanation to minimize yourself, To minimize the trust you had in yourself by making this decision. Let's make it small and then we forget about it. We put it aside. But when you decide to make a mistake, Ooh, That we have to blow up, That we have to blow up and carry with us like a luggage we never paid for. So that's coming with you along the way. Back home. Onto the next holiday. It's always with you. That's what is missing. In this scenarios, Might it be that. Everyone's happy. And you're not acknowledging your awesomeness in coordinating all of this. Or in you saying that they are not happy, Now I blame and shame myself. It doesn't matter which one it is. There's something missing and the missing part is the learning. Because, And if you've been here before, You probably heard me saying, Your life is meaningless. In the sense that situations that happen. They have no meaning. Until you give it meaning. Until you decide this is the meaning I want to give it. So when everyone's happy, You're giving it the meaning that, Oh, It's not a big deal. It's just a lucky pick. What you're not giving it is the meaning that, Wow, Amazing. I did so well. You choose to give it a minimizing. Are you minimizing meaning? Same with the other side, When it's not according to your expectation or your family's expectation, You give it the meaning. That you're not good enough. In organizing, In picking. It's your fault that everyone is unhappy. That's the meaning you give it. So it's up to you. What do you do with it? Like I could give it the meaning that I'm just amazing. Or I could decide to give it the meaning that, Yeah, Not my best choice. No one is happy. Okay, Let's make the best out of it. But not blaming and shaming yourself and doubting yourself now from that moment onwards or even before. And now this is just proof that you are not good in making decisions. No, It's your choice. And that's the learning behind it. Because as soon as you ask yourself, Whatever the outcome is, Because you have your expectations, You come with your expectations, And then you hold onto that expectation. And then the outcome is revealing itself. Happy or complaining? And then it's like, What do I want to do with this? What do I want to make it mean? What can I learn from this? And as soon as you do that, You stop the cycle from overthinking and going into punishment, Self punishment. You're not even punishing anyone else. It's just you. So as soon as you go into curiosity. What do I want to make with this? What can I learn from this? You're breaking the cycle. That's when you break the cycle and that's when you're on probably the upwards to trusting yourself again. Because when you see and it's logic, Yeah. But that's not the only thing. The difference is also when we go into body, Mind and energy. Curiosity is neutrality. It's neither positive nor negative. It's just like, Let's observe neutral. Neutral is an amazing start. It's an amazing energetic leveled half. Because we all think we need to go high to raise our vibration. But in order to raise it, You have to get through that threshold of neutrality. To that. Zero line, Like this is neutral and from here we go up. But many of us are down here with the self-doubt, The self-blame, The self-shame, The self-judgment. And now you want to raise it and that's such a high jump. And it's something that. I see so many people when the students that I have in my identity upgrade program when they just want like. I want to jump that high. It's amazing and it's possible. Don't get me wrong. But you won't stay there. If you don't learn to work with your mind and your body. To hold that energy. So it's not that just step and now we're up there because of the doubts and the self-shame, Self-blame, Et cetera. It's probably staying because it's an automation. So even when you let stuck energy that's holding you back, Go. The automation is still there. I have a beautiful example here. It was just a couple of months ago and I I did, I created my own energy clearings for my programs and of course I'm listening to them as well. Anyway, So I was listening and I could feel something was just like Gone. Amazing. Amazing. But I was sitting there with my partner and we talked about something and he said, I don't remember what it was, But it was something that used to trigger me in the past. Because it made me feel like very small and not enough and not efficient and and I need to do more and I need to get degrees and da da da da da anyway so. And he said that. And it triggered me and I fell into my automated behavior of getting, What? And then after probably 10 seconds, I was like, Hold on. I don't feel it in my body. The body sensation, That emotion that used to come with that trigger. It's not there. But my behavior was still there because that's automated, Yeah? I've done it so many times. So it's just like, Trigger, Yay, Here's the behavior. So I realized then, I was like, Okay. Not feeling it. Well, Let's just then not go with it. And so I stopped and I said to him, I just noticed that. It doesn't affect me anymore. Like, Cool, Okay, Let's go back to normal. Let's go and relax again. But that's the difference. So that's why we want to start or why I am a firm believer in starting at zero, Let's get from down to zero and then we can go upwards because then we know how to observe what other mind and what our body is doing so that we can uplift the energy and keep it there. Yeah, That's why body, Mind and energy. So when you start with curiosity, And question and try to learn like, What do I want to make this mean? Well, No one's happy. What do I want to make it mean? I could decide to make it mean that I'm useless, Not enough. Shouldn't do this ever again. Or I could decide to make it mean that Okay, So maybe next time I pick three hotels and I then. . . Ask the opinions and then we make a joint decision. But you make it from neutrality and you're not making this decision out of fear to fuck up again. You choose to say, This is what I want to do in the future. And that's curiosity and that's neutral. So with doing that, You already uplifted your energy, Your vibration, Your frequency. You've gone up. So already amazing. And often my clients tell me, But I lost confidence. I see. Did you? Because you're very confident that you're not good enough. So I wouldn't say you lost confidence. I just say maybe your focus on confidence has gone in a different direction. Because you're very confident in not being good enough to pick the right hotel for your family trips. You're very confident in being doubtful of your abilities. When it comes to making decisions. There is a ton of confidence there. It might not be the confidence. That you want. But that's the difference. It really depends, Again, The meaning that you want to give it. And when we ask about confidence. Confidence can go in both directions. I can be very confident that I'm a loser and I can be very confident in being amazing. Both is confidence. Different way though. Different meaning. But on the other hand, It's also important to notice that confidence comes from humility. Experience. Yet even the idea that you are a loser. Has to come somewhere. You had success. In collecting evidence, In giving a lot of meaning to the fact that you are a loser. That gave you the confidence that you believe wholeheartedly, I'm a loser. Same goes with the confidence on the other side when you want to be when you want to be happy with yourself, When you want to carry your amazingness to the outside. Confidence comes from success, From doing it a couple of times, Getting the expected resonance, External validation, Your meaningness, The meaning that you give it, And then you become more confident. In both directions. But in order to take the first step to break this cycle, To say, I could pick this meaning or I could pick this meaning in order to do that. That's the first step to become aware and then to say, What do I want to do with it? That's courage. It's not confidence. That's courage. In order to do the first step, You need courage. Because it can go either way. Let's get Betty on my lap. So don't wait for confidence to just fly by and you catch it. Because you have confidence in one way or another. You're probably filled with confidence. But in order to break the cycle. You need the courage. And that's what you get when you start looking at what do I want to make this mean? You're not doubting yourself because you had so many experiences in failing. You're doubting yourself because you decided over and over and over again that you're not good at it. And so every decision, Everything you did, And that was a success, You downplayed. It was just like one in a million. It doesn't happen very often. But all the little, The micro decisions that you make. Reap success. Like we often forget that you make choices constantly. Getting out of bed is a choice. Did you know that? Because you could choose to stay in bed. Oh, Now, Anna, I have to go to work. Yeah, But it's your choice. You could also choose to stay in bed, Maybe with the repercussions of losing your job. You don't like the consequences that come. With certain decisions. But in the end, You have a choice. Choose what you want to make it mean. And yes, There is this inner critic, That voice in your head. And I'm just listening to an audio book that is about developing your psychic abilities, Because let's do that. And they talk very harshly about the ego. And they use words that I really don't like because the ego, The inner critic. The devil on your shoulder, However you want to call it, It's part of you. Yeah. And. We don't want to be nasty to any part of what is us. Even if it's a part that pressures you, But in the end, It also has its purpose to keep you safe because at the time when it developed. Didn't know what else to do. So it was there to help you at one point. You've just outgrown it and now you're listening to it, But it's part of you. And that voice will come. So particularly if you're used to that cycle of shaming and blaming yourself when something doesn't go according to your expectations. That voice will come in. And when you say, Hold on. I'm asking myself. What meaning do I want to give it? And then that voice comes in. Of course, It's horrible. You did so badly. Of course it will come. For what you do, Say ah. Interest. There it is. We call it out. With all the love we can master in that moment. And that's it. Don't need to shame and blame yourself for having that voice. It's part of you and it comes because it used to come. So what we do is we acknowledge it, We give it all the love that we can master in that moment, And then we continue. And then it will come again and again and again, And then it's going like in circles for probably a long time. But it will come. Some of my clients, It's so funny, I love it when they say, When we talked about the inner critic for the first time. When they come back the next week and I asked him so. A particular situation when you notice the inner critic and they say Oh no, No, It's been very quiet. I'm not supposed to laugh, But I do laugh because I find it so cute. And I say to them. All right, Let's talk about a couple of situations. And then when we go through the situations, They notice, They realize, Oh, That voice was there. But then again. Just know it's an automation. And I like to tell them that they, Particularly when they start working with me, I said, You're an apprentice now. You've been a master. In forging these automations, These survivor strategies. Master Level. But now with that mindset shift. You're starting at apprentice level. Yeah, So we're working here from that level against this level. So that's what we're going to do. So, Of course, You will notice it. But as soon as you do, You do that exercise. You just say, Oh, Interesting, Because your brain doesn't understand the difference between reality and imagination. That's why manifestation works. You just do it then. Course you won't notice it in the moment. Me noticing in the moment that my body isn't actually corresponding with my automation is because I've been working with this for over 10 years. And even then. I don't notice it immediately. Yeah, Sometimes I'm in it for minutes, For half an hour, And then I'd like, Oh, Hold on. Let me listen here. That's okay. That's the goal, To notice it. And with every time you notice, You break the cycle. And with every time you decide, What do I want to make this mean? Will want to make this mean that I can trust myself. Or do I want to make it mean that I can't trust myself? Because it's a choice. A belief is something that you choose. To believe in. So you can believe in you as well. It's that simple. So make the choice. And if you say no, I want to make it mean that I'm not good in choosing hotels. Fair enough. But you made a conscious choice. You didn't let your fear or your self-shame, Self-blame, And everything dial in it. And making you feel bad physically, Emotionally, Mentally. And carrying that baggage with you for the rest of your life? No, You said. No, This is what I want to believe. What do I want to make with this? Not picking any hotel ever again. Full stop. Fair enough. And make your choice. Make that conscious choice to break the cycle. And that brings me to the end of this episode. Bye-bye.