Don't Let Love Blind You: Choose Your Partner

Falling in love is the most beautiful and most invigorating feeling in the world.

You get this incomparably warm feeling in your chest.

You have endless energy available all of a sudden and your overall mindset is completely positive.

It's all great,

But there's one thing you're not aware of.

Not only does the feeling of romantic love fade,

It is also not a great decision-making tool when it comes to choosing the right life partner.

So today we're looking at falling in love and choosing a life partner.

Our goal is to bring awareness to how these two different actions,

Falling and choosing,

Can actually go hand in hand.

We will try to find acceptance that love should not be the primary criteria when it comes to choosing a life partner.

We will also look at what specific qualities your potential life partner needs to possess in order to stay together long term.

Mindy Kaling said,

People seem to be having these awesome sex lives and I'm just trying to find a life partner to go apple picking with.

What's wrong with me?

Let's have a look at the joy of picking apples.

Before we start,

I want to acknowledge that a good portion of listeners will already have created a life partnership.

Take this course today as an opportunity to check in and maybe even invite your partner to join today's course.

Now let me bring to your attention that choosing a life partner has a certain magnitude and that bringing more awareness to that decision will improve your chances of living a happy life.

Your life partner is someone who influences your life immensely.

It is even someone you might start a family with.

Choosing a life partner is most likely the most important decision you will ever make in your life.

Having a life partner means you will be connected for life,

Even if you choose to separate.

At a certain level you will always be connected and you will have to deal with your chosen partner for the rest of your life.

So first of all,

Respect the magnitude of choosing a life partner.

Now I would like to talk about romantic love,

Which is an absolutely amazing feeling to experience and of course there is nothing wrong with it.

But I do want to make the case that romantic love should be just one component of many when it comes to choosing your life partner.

I even want to make the case that romantic love should not be at the center of your decision.

I make this recommendation because romantic love comes and goes.

Yes,

To a certain degree you can always feel love for your partner,

But the warm romantic feeling in your chest will increase and decrease over the years.

It will come and go.

Accepting this impermanence will not only allow you to choose a life partner in a more conscious way,

It will also allow you to be content in times when you're not madly in love.

With or without being in love you will have thousands of meals together,

Spend thousands of nights together and go on hundreds of trips together.

You will also experience a lot of different versions of your partner throughout the years.

You will have tens of thousands of conversations with your partner and you will spend hundreds of thousands of hours together.

And maybe you will also raise children together.

Consciously choose a life partner you will want to spend all this time with.

Don't make the decision blindly.

Now I would like to invite you to raise your awareness of the word choosing.

The word choosing means that you're conscious of what direction you take and you are in control of your actions.

So don't slowly slither into a life partnership.

Make it a conscious choice and make sure that you feel in complete control doing so.

If you don't feel in complete control when making the choice you might regret it very quickly soon after.

So let us look at how you should choose a life partner then.

Of course you're a unique individual and your perfect life partner is just as unique.

But there are some things we can look at that are important for everyone when it comes to choosing a life partner.

First of all you need to become completely clear on your needs and your wants.

Forget the beauty and attraction for a moment.

What is important to you when it comes to a life partnership?

How do you see your life playing out over the next 50 years?

What morals,

Values and big decisions will be important on the way?

Do you both have the right mindset and do you both want the same?

Make sure you're conscious of what's important to you when it comes to not only a life partnership but also the path ahead.

The next step is to make time to find out who the potential partner really is.

Ideally you will have a few years for this.

Of course that is not always possible but try and take as much time as you can.

Spending lots of time and intense moments with people will ultimately show you their true colors.

Nobody can pretend to be some idealized version of themselves forever.

And at the beginning that is exactly what you get,

The idealized version of people.

Make sure you invest time to find out who the person really is.

Now once you see the real version of people,

Accept this version for the better or the worse.

Do not hope for improvement and do not fall in love with the version that you hope a person will grow into.

See and accept the complete person as he or she is right now.

Here are some tips to see people for who they really are.

A great way to see real character traits early on is to observe your potential partner talking to people that are lower in social status.

Often that can be younger people,

Work colleagues,

Waiters,

Flight attendants,

Even family members or friends.

Observe how your partner treats others because one day he will treat you the same way.

Next,

I would recommend you become aware of whether you and your partner also have a functioning friendship.

Do you actually really enjoy talking to each other and do you respect your partner's opinions?

Are you sharing the same sense of humor?

Do you like to play together and are you sharing enough interests?

Being great friends with your partner is one of the most important foundations of a happy life and also of your personal development.

The next point to look at is whether you can allow yourself to be your true authentic self around your partner.

Can you let go,

Unpack and be vulnerable around your partner?

Is there a feeling of trust and safety when you are around that person?

Observe yourself while spending time with a potential life partner.

Next,

I would like to talk about leading and following.

In any relationship,

One person is at times more or less dominant than the other.

Ideally,

You will at times lead and at times follow.

And you will also have different areas where you can lead and where you can follow.

If you're only ever leading or only ever following,

You will run into trouble eventually.

There has to be a healthy balance between being dominant and submissive.

Also,

Ideally it is never an extreme version of either.

Now,

I would like to take a moment to mention some red flags.

It is usually more my style to make you find things out for yourself,

But today I would actually like to list some red flags.

So here they are.

When choosing a life partner,

Avoid these personality traits at all costs.

Addicts,

Fanatics or extremists of any type.

Also avoid people who are still heartbroken.

Also people who are extremely emotional and people who are physically or mentally unhealthy people.

Now,

Before we come to our practical exercise,

I want to say that there's no such thing as a perfect partner.

So don't let today demotivate you.

There's the right life partner for you out there that will fulfill you and make you happy for the rest of your life.

You just need to be curious and very conscious.

Now we have arrived at the practical exercises for today.

First of all,

I would like to invite you to write down five points as to how you have chosen partners in your life so far.

How did you get to know them?

What was your criteria for considering them as a life partner?

Write down anything that comes to mind.

Pause the course now and come back to it when you've written out five observations.

Next,

I would like to invite you to write down five qualities that are important to you when it comes to a life partnership and choosing a partner.

What does your ideal partnership look like and what qualities should your partner have?

Try to make these points as specific and unique as possible.

Again,

Pause the course here and come back to it when you've written out five points.

Now,

Over the next few days or during this week,

I would like to invite you to find and interview couples who you think have a great and healthy relationship.

This could be anyone,

Your friends,

Family,

Work colleagues,

Anyone.

I would like you to ask them some questions about their relationship and how they have chosen each other and how they experience each other.

See it as an interview.

Be as specific and detailed as you can with your questions.