So in today's video,
I'm talking about how to navigate difficult conversations and keep yourself safe.
Because if you're like me,
You probably don't enjoy conflict either,
But there are things you can do to make it easier.
If you're new,
My name's Michelle Ferris.
I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships at work.
There's a lot to learn from difficult conversations.
And what I want to share with you is two stories where I made a lot of mistakes and two stories where I had a much better outcome.
I've learned more from my mistakes than my successes.
So I really want to invite you to look back on conversations that didn't go well for you either and see if you can extract what the lessons are.
Because if you know what didn't work,
You're gonna be much closer to doing what does work.
So the first conversation that I had that did not go well was several years ago,
I had a conversation with a friend.
We were starting to get into a little bit of a conflict about something super minor,
And all of a sudden,
All the hurt and resentment started pouring out in stories and examples,
And I didn't mean it to.
And of course,
The conversation blew up.
Go well at all,
And she felt attacked and totally overwhelmed.
And at the time,
I actually thought I did well because I stayed on my side of the street,
I sent iMessages,
I did do some things well,
But I didn't realize that you don't go into a conversation with one hurt and then express 10 others.
That does not go over well.
But I had to learn the hard way.
It took me years of reflection to realize,
You know what,
I was much more at fault than I originally thought.
This is the good news because I learned that the next time I go into a conversation,
I am going to go in with one thing in mind,
One incident.
Because when we dogpile a conversation with several hurts,
It doesn't go well for us or for them because we get more intensely triggered and they feel attacked.
That's not a good combination.
What I wish I would have done differently?
I wish I would have been more honest about the hurts along the way.
With my codependency,
I just couldn't.
I had to shove everything down.
It was too scary for me to admit,
Ouch,
You hurt my feelings.
So I thought I'd stuff it and be the healthier person.
But it actually ended up doing the opposite.
Because when we stuff our hurt,
It ends up leaking out in really unhealthy ways.
And if you stuff it long enough,
Like I did,
You end up losing control of it.
And that was really scary,
Because I realized,
Oh my gosh,
I am saying things that I don't even mean to say right now,
Because I just couldn't contain that hurt anymore.
The other conversation I had that didn't go well,
Was last year,
I started a conversation with a family member by text.
And it was for scheduling,
It was no big deal.
And then all of a sudden it started becoming a difficult conversation and it wasn't going well.
I was reading into things and I knew better.
I know not to have an important conversation or an emotional conversation by text or email,
But we were already in it.
And what I learned was how easy it is,
Which you probably already know,
To assume negative intent in a text or email because there's no tone.
We can't feel what the other person is saying.
We can't hear their voice or see the expression on their face.
Really easy to assume the worst and over this text exchange I was doing that and that's part of what didn't work.
What I should have done was immediately stop texting when I realized it was becoming a conflict and called her but I didn't and I learned the hard way that you know what this is exactly why texting and emailing is really bad for important conversations because we just can't read the other person emotionally and it's super easy to assume negative intention.
Now what I wish I could have done differently is catch it and immediately phoned her.
And that's the lesson that I learned that was super valuable because believe me,
I am not going to do that again because it really hurt and it led to a couple of weeks of not talking to her,
Which was really painful.
So let's now fast forward to some conversations that went really well.
One of them was with a friend recently where they were talking about an ethical dilemma that I really felt uncomfortable about.
And the more she talked,
The more I really was contemplating,
Do I say something?
I'm really kind of uncomfortable.
How important is it?
I ultimately decided to stay silent and I was actually glad I did because what I noticed is when there's a value difference,
Especially if it's something important that I know we're never going to agree on,
That coupled with a lack of accountability in general by that other person,
Those two factors don't make me feel safe enough to share my own opinion.
So I don't.
And I'm really glad that I kept silent because sometimes it really is about how important is it?
Do I really need to express an opinion?
Because it's not my ethics,
It's their ethics.
And that's really none of my business.
So it was a really good,
Important lesson for me because in the past,
I would have spoken up and I would have been somewhat judgmental.
And that probably would have turned into a huge argument with that person.
And in retrospect,
It wouldn't have been worth it.
Because when you have different values on certain things,
That's not going to change over time.
Not every friendship is going to align with every single value we have.
But that's where I kind of go to the 12 step saying,
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Sometimes we're going to disagree.
Now,
The other caveat here,
Though,
Is that when you disagree with someone and it's something that is super,
Super important to you and you feel like you have to say something,
Then to me,
The goal is to just say it.
You know what?
Different point of view.
That isn't something I can support.
That doesn't mean you have to have a huge,
Long,
Drawn out conversation.
But that can be a way to stay safe and honor yourself in that difficult conversation.
I know for me,
I've done that when political beliefs are different.
I don't bother having a huge discussion with them.
I just say,
I don't agree.
And I move on because I want to save my energy.
And I know that sometimes in life,
It's really better to just agree to disagree and move on.
It also has to do with how safe you feel with that person.
Because if you feel like that person is going to criticize or gaslight you,
Then it's probably not a good idea to share your opinion with them because the aftermath isn't going to be worth it.
But all in all,
I was super glad that I could just be quiet and support this person in their ethical dilemma without getting involved.
To me,
That was a healthy form of detachment.
The next example of a conversation that went really well was during the holidays,
I wasn't invited to an event and I was super hurt.
And I ended up going to the person's house because I had to drop something off.
So I was there for about 20 minutes.
And I noticed I was increasingly uncomfortable to the point where I knew I was going to cry.
So I had to leave.
I just didn't feel safe enough.
So I excused myself.
We left.
In the past,
I would have avoided calling that person.
But ironically,
That person called me that night and said,
Hey,
What's going on?
You looked upset.
In the past,
I probably wouldn't have picked up the phone.
Instead I picked up the phone and said,
You know what God I know that's my sign I need to deal with this and I did and I focused on something entirely different.
I focused on how I felt Subjectively,
I wasn't being right.
I was just saying hey,
You know what?
I felt sad that I was left out of this and I described the facts as I saw them and I was very careful not to assign meaning To their behavior and I even said,
You know,
You probably had no ill intention about this.
I just gave them the benefit of the doubt.
In doing that,
We had a really productive conversation.
She actually said things like,
That wasn't my intention.
I didn't mean to leave you out.
And it meant so much to me because in the past,
When we had had difficult conversations,
It did not go well.
And this time it did because I went into it with a softer tone.
I was hurt,
But I was really mindful that I wanted to communicate that hurt,
Not the anger,
Not the frustration,
Not the justifiable anger that I felt.
I wanted to stick with the hurt.
And sometimes I think we avoid that because it's really easy to stay angry or resentful.
But when we communicate hurt,
Sometimes the other person can really hear that.
Especially if we don't make them wrong by blaming or shaming them.
And so that to me was a really successful conversation and I was super happy with the end result.
But the end result was because I did something different,
Not me expecting them to do something different.
That to me is what personal growth is about.
Us taking baby steps every day to do one thing different.
Maybe for you in the next difficult conversation is to ask yourself,
What is your intention?
Do you need to speak up about something or is it better to stay quiet?
Do you need to say a one-liner like,
You know what,
That doesn't work for me or I disagree.
But let's leave it at that.
Like,
What do you need to honor yourself in difficult conversations?
Because that's the goal here.
Thanks so much for watching.
