Is passive-aggressive behavior toxic or a fear response?
That's what we're going to talk about today.
And also,
What is passive-aggressive behavior and how can you effectively deal with it?
If you're new,
My name is Michelle Ferris.
I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work.
Passive-aggressive behavior is when somebody is feeling angry or they have a disagreement with you,
But they're not willing to say it directly.
Their communication is very indirect.
Most of you,
Already know what passive aggressiveness looks like.
It looks like the silent treatment or somebody saying yes when they mean no,
And then it comes back to bite you.
This style of communication creates a lot of confusion because their words don't match their actions.
But there's reasons why people do this.
So when a person who is practicing passive-aggressive behavior is upset,
They immediately go silent.
They don't communicate that they're upset verbally,
But it often gets non-verbally,
Through body language,
Or maybe they're avoiding eye contact with you.
They might say that they're fine when they're really not.
So why do people get passive-aggressive?
There are basically two main reasons for this.
The first is more toxic.
These people use passive-aggressive behavior to retaliate,
To punish you,
To make you feel bad about yourself,
So that they can avoid looking at their own behavior.
This is very common with people who have narcissistic tendencies or are in active addiction and go to great lengths to blame others to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.
This kind of passive-aggressive behavior feels like a knife to your stomach because you know that they're purposely trying to make you feel bad.
Even though they may deny it,
They may say that everything is fine,
But their motivation is to retaliate and to hurt you and sometimes to avoid accountability.
I remember a client years ago telling me about a conversation she had with her girlfriend.
They hadn't spoken in a while,
And the girlfriend asked her,
Did you miss me?
And my client said,
Of course I missed you.
And the friend replied,
Well,
I didn't miss you.
And that is a really classic example of a passive-aggressive comment.
With passive-aggressive behavior,
There's always an underlying emotion that isn't getting spoken about.
That anger or that resentment comes out sideways in a very indirect way that can make you feel like you're being gaslit.
Because again,
The words don't match their behavior.
Now,
The second reason people use passive-aggressive behavior is fear.
This is often about a fear of conflict.
They will go to great lengths to avoid being honest because they're afraid of hurting someone else's feelings or assuming that if they're honest,
It will lead to a conflict.
And this often goes back to childhood where that person experienced anger as dangerous,
As abusive,
As a withdrawal of love.
Example,
Because their primary motivation is not to retaliate,
But to avoid conflict.
For example,
Maybe you ask your partner,
Are you upset with me?
And they say,
No,
I'm not upset with you,
But you know they are because their tone of voice is really sharp.
And later they become quiet,
Emotionally cold and distant.
That's another example of passive-aggressive behavior where they say in the moment that everything's fine,
But you know by their body language in what they're not saying that they're not fine.
Now that doesn't necessarily mean they're out to punish you.
They may be afraid of hurting your feelings or causing an argument because a lot of people don't like conflict and if you struggle with codependency,
You really don't like conflict because you're much more comfortable with pleasing the other person.
And part of that is avoiding conflict.
And whenever we're doing that,
Those feelings of anger and disappointment will always leak out at a much later date.
But by that time,
We've kind of lost control of them.
I used to do this a lot in my early recovery,
Where I would never,
Ever admit when someone hurt me.
Not because I couldn't be honest,
But because I was so afraid they'd be mad at me.
So I decided it was much healthier for me stuff it and pay the price myself,
Then risk their reaction in that friendship.
Because we also have to recognize this as a learned behavior.
So if you grew up in a home where anger was abusive and you learned that it wasn't okay to be honest about how you really felt,
Then you probably learned to hide your feelings.
And that's how passive-aggressive behavior starts,
Is we stuff all of those negative emotions because we don't want to risk hurting someone else or or getting into a conflict,
But we pay the price for that because any feelings that we deny end up leaking out later in passive aggressive ways because our bodies can't hold on to that feeling for very long.
Now,
Some of us,
Especially if you struggle with codependency,
Have had years of resentment and hurt that we've held onto for years,
But there always comes a time where they leak out.
Maybe you've had this experience where you've held on to a resentment or an old hurt for a really long time,
And then in the heat of the moment with someone,
It leaks out.
You say something hurtful that you didn't mean to say,
And you had no intention of saying that.
That's exactly what happens when we stuff our feelings.
They always come out sideways,
And this is what passive aggressive behavior looks like.
Especially in codependency.
So let's talk about some actual signs of passive aggressive behavior.
The first one is the silent treatment.
Most of us have been on the receiving end of that,
Where somebody is upset,
But they're not willing to own it.
So they completely shut down emotionally and not say a word.
So another sign of passive aggressive behavior is saying that you're fine when you're not.
And this always accompanies a little tone of voice change where we say,
Nope,
I'm fine.
And the other person knows that we're not.
And the reason this happens is because it's really hard to pretend that everything is okay when it isn't.
It's gonna leak out,
And sometimes it leaks out really fast in our tone,
And the other person knows it.
Another sign of passive-aggressive behavior is agreeing to do something,
Then doing it poorly,
Or forgetting about it,
Or procrastinating.
And that really sends the message that,
You know what,
I really don't wanna do this,
And I'm not going to,
But I'm not saying that directly.
So the other person feels a little crazy.
Another sign of passive-aggressive behavior is using sarcasm to try to be funny.
So maybe somebody asks you to do something and you'll say,
Well,
Of course,
I always help you,
Don't I?
But there's an edge to it,
Right?
I'm trying to be funny,
But I'm really conveying my anger.
And sarcasm is a very common form of passive-aggressive behavior.
So the next sign of passive-aggressive behavior is the guilt trip.
You're not expressing your hurt or your disagreement directly,
But you're indirectly making the other person feel responsible by making them feel guilty.
You might say,
No,
No,
I'll do it.
It's fine,
Instead of asking for help.
But then you stomp around the house because you're so frustrated that you're doing all the work yourself.
Passive-aggressive behavior is playing the martyr.
So instead of asking for help,
You do it all yourself,
But you're complaining about it in a very indirect way.
So maybe you're home doing all the housework and your partner says,
Well,
Do you need any help?
And you go,
No,
Nevermind.
I'll do it all myself,
Even though it's going to take me most of the day.
You're frustrated.
You want help,
But you can't ask for it.
And that's what the martyr often does.
They want help,
But they just don't give themselves permission to ask.
A very common sign of codependency.
So I also want you to remember that these are often learned behaviors that we get in childhood through role modeling.
Maybe our parents did passive aggressive behaviors or maybe you learned that it just wasn't safe to be honest.
So you learn to stuff your emotions and that's how you learn to be passive aggressive.
So we don't want to judge ourselves for having these behaviors or our loved ones.
We all tend to get taught a lot of dysfunctional behaviors and the way through that is awareness and to not beat yourself up over having these behaviors or your partner,
But to learn how to recognize them.
Now the first thing I want you to do is notice it and ask questions.
So I noticed early on in my marriage that my husband had a really hard time saying no.
And what I came to realize is that whenever he hesitated and said,
Well,
When I asked him something,
That was his no.
So one day I asked him,
I said,
You know,
I noticed that when I ask you certain things and you hesitate,
I really think it's a no and he had to think about it and he came back to me and said,
You know what?
You're right when I hesitate I want to please you but I feel torn because I don't want to say no to you and it was a really good learning experience because it opened up some really direct communication between us.
If you have someone in your life that does passive-aggressive behaviors,
Just notice the next time they do it and say,
You know,
I noticed right now that I just asked you to help me and even though you said yes,
You seem like you don't really want want to do that.
That's okay but I'd much rather get an honest answer.
That is a great way to invite the other person in with you to have an honest dialogue because a lot of times people who are passive-aggressive don't realize they're doing it or they've done it for so many years that they don't see another way of being.
Another thing you could do when someone's passive-aggressive is just give them permission to say no.
You can just say like I said to my husband,
You know what it's okay if you don't want to do this.
I would much rather hear what you really want than give me the answer you think I want.
Because again,
We want to give permission to that other person so that they can be honest.
And this doesn't mean that you're responsible for what they're doing or not doing,
But giving someone permission to be who they are can open the door to new behavior.
The next way to deal with passive-aggressive behavior is to speak to it directly.
The next time someone says something really sarcastic You might say,
Oh,
What did you mean by that?
Cause that felt hurtful.
Can you help me understand what you were trying to say?
Sometimes just saying it that way can help wake the other person up and they can realize,
Oh,
Wait a minute,
That did sound kind of snarky.
I need to check myself or I need to say that a different way.
Now,
Again,
If they're toxic,
They may stand behind that 110%,
But that tells you that you have to take care of yourself if this is a toxic behavior that the other person is not willing to change.
Calming anger coming up.
Thanks so much.
