Radically Safe

Thank you for putting in my way attachment,

Fear,

Fury,

Disgust.

I asked for these near enemies before I was born.

I wished for a troubled path.

To not be granted immediate forgiveness,

To not be immediately seen.

I asked for early encounters with loss and guilt and grief,

And to hold their secrets in the soil of my soul,

Planting contempt and doubt.

I wanted to be a gardener of spirit,

To uproot the weeds of sadness and suffering,

And to tend to the medicine herbs of love and magic.

I wanted to learn from the trees and the wild and my dogs,

Who are much more intimate with being,

Much more intelligent in friendship.

I wanted to know by living a human life how hard it is for the human heart to love,

Really,

Deeply,

When its earliest battle is with shame.

I wanted to know the humiliation of feeling lowly and worthless,

And the illusion of being exceptional and superior.

I chose this earth assignment.

I don't know why.

I don't know why I wanted my path to take me through hell.

Maybe so I could know what it was like after,

To not be there anymore.

Maybe because it would reveal that the purgatory of losing myself could never be as heart-wrenching as the yearning to find myself.

That the pain of opening to love could never overpower the longing to receive love.

I don't know why I chose this path this time.

Maybe because somewhere deep inside,

I knew it could be trodden.

That if I traveled deep enough,

I could learn that do no harm includes to myself.

That the harder the journey,

The more I would accept as my guide,

Trust,

Surrender.

That the answers I was never meant to know were nevertheless loving.

That the mystery,

Which is by far the greater part of life,

Was held safely.

And I was held safely.

I was always radically safe.