This Pain Did Not Start With You

17:33

17:33

This Pain Did Not Start With You

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

7

This reflective talk and guided inner journey explores intergenerational trauma, family patterns and the burdens we may unconsciously carry from those who came before us. Abi Beri offers a gentle holistic lens rooted in somatic awareness and family constellation principles.

Trauma Family Constellation Emotional Imprints Collective Consciousness Healing Somatic Awareness Family Dynamics

Meet your Teacher

Dublin, Ireland

Meet your Teacher

Dublin, Ireland

Transcript

So, Welcome everyone and thank you, Thank you for listening. So let me ask you this, Have you ever felt a sadness that does not seem to belong to your life? A fear that has no origin in your own experience, An anxiety, A grief, A weight that you've carried for as long as you can remember but you cannot pinpoint to the why? Let me say this to you, What if that pain is not yours? What if that pain is not yours? What if you are carrying something that belongs to your parents, Your grandparents or even ancestors you have never met? This is intergenerational trauma and for many people, Understanding it first is the key to finally putting down a burden they've carried their whole lives, Without even knowing it was never theirs to carry. I am just going to explain today what intergenerational trauma is, How it is passed down, How to recognize if you are carrying it and what can actually help. So, Intergenerational trauma, Sometimes called generational trauma, Ancestral trauma or transgenerational trauma is trauma that is passed down through generations. It is not just that your parents were affected by their experiences and that affected how they raised you, Though that is also part of it. It is the trauma itself, The unprocessed pain, The survival patterns, The emotional imprints can be transmitted to children and grandchildren who never experienced the original event. As an example, A grandmother who survived a famine may pass down a relationship with scarcity to her grandchildren, Even though they have never known hunger. A grandfather who survived war may pass down hypervigilance, Distrust, A readiness for danger that other generations carry without even knowing why. Descendants of slavery, Colonialization, Genocide, Displacement, They often carry collective wounds that predate their individual lives. And it's not just big historical traumas, Family secrets, Losses that were never grieved, Members who were excluded or forgotten, Illnesses, They are just some examples. These too can echo through generations. So here is the key insight for you. You can be affected by events that you never experienced. You could be carrying the pain that originated before you were even born. And that sounds almost mystical. How can trauma pass through generations? There are actually multiple pathways to this. The first one is learned behavior and attachment. If your parents were traumatized, And I'm speaking very general, It affected their nervous system, It affected how they parented you, It affected their emotional availability. So you learn patterns from them, How to relate, How to cope, What is dangerous, What is safe. And their trauma shaped your development, Even if they never told you what happened to them. Second is epigenetics. And this is the science part. So epigenetics is the study of how gene expression can be changed by an experience, Without changing the DNA itself. Think of it like this. Your genes are the book. But epigenetics determines which chapters get read, Yeah? Studies have shown that trauma can change these epigenetic markers. And these changes can be passed to the offspring also. The children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors, For example, Have been found to have different stress hormone profiles. Their bodies are primed for danger that they never personally experienced. I think now we are finally beginning to understand that trauma literally changes what gets inherited. And the third one is the family systems and the knowing field. Now this is where my work with family constellations comes in. In this view, In this lens, Families operate as systems. Systems seek balance. When something is unresolved, A trauma, A loss, An exclusion, A secret, It does not just disappear. It remains in the system. And in later generations, Often unconsciously, It shows up. Someone somewhere takes on the burden of what was not resolved. Now there is something that we call the knowing field or the ancestral field or the zero point field. They all mean the same thing. So take this as a kind of collective consciousness within families where information is held and transmitted beyond what is spoken. I have seen this in constellation after constellation. People feeling emotions, Knowing things, Carrying burdens that come from people or ancestors they have never met. So you do not have to believe in anything mystical to recognize this, But just observe this. Families have patterns that repeat across generations. Same struggles, Same dynamics, Same pain showing up again and again. So something is being passed down. So how do you know if you are carrying intergenerational trauma? Now here are some signs. First, There is a pain without a clear source. So you have anxiety, Depression, Chronic heaviness. But when you look at your life, There is no obvious cause. Your childhood was fine. Nothing traumatic happened to you. You had great parents. You have a great partner. You have a lovely job. You have a wonderful therapist. Yet the pain is still there. Second could be repeating family patterns. So you find yourself repeating the same dynamics that your parents or grandparents or other ancestors had. Same relationship issues, Same struggles, Same addictions, Same ways of coping. Even when you swore you would be different, Your conscious mind knows better. But it's like something keeps repeating to people of a certain family. Then sometimes we feel we are carrying someone else's emotions. So you have a sadness that feels bigger than you. It feels very ancient. You have a grief that does not seem connected to your losses at all. You have a guilt or a shame that you cannot trace to anything that you've done. Then strong reactions to family history. When you learn about your family's past, Secrets, Loss, Famine, War, You feel an emotional response as if it happened to you. So this could also be pointing you into that field that you might be carrying something for somebody. Now the next one is subtle but common, Which is loyalty to suffering. You feel unconsciously guilty about being happy, Successful or at peace. As if you do not even have the right to thrive when your ancestors suffered. Then for some of us, It's an identification with an ancestor. You feel strangely connected to a particular family member. Perhaps a wound twin that died. Perhaps someone who was excluded. Perhaps someone who suffered greatly. So you might be sharing their patterns without even knowing why. And this I feel is common for all these reasons. That there is a sense of carrying something heavy that you just cannot put down. Like you're responsible for something but you do not even know what it is. So if you recognize any of this, Then you might be carrying a narrated trauma. Now, Why does this happen? In family constellation work, We see that family systems have their own kind of consciousness. They have their own rules. There are unwritten rules about belonging, Loyalty and balance. So, When someone is excluded from the family, Cut off, Forgotten, Shamed for their actions. Their place in the system does not just disappear. It gets held by someone else. A later generation unconsciously takes on their burdens, Their fate, Their pain. It is as if the system is saying, No one is truly forgotten. So when trauma is not processed, Not grieved, Not acknowledged, It does not dissolve, It persists. And children who are loyal to their parents and ancestors in ways they do not understand, Unconsciously take it on. Children love their parents with a fierce blind loyalty. If a parent is suffering, The child wants to carry suffering for them. If a parent has unfinished business, The child unconsciously tries to complete it. If an ancestor was not honored, A descendant tries to give them their place. This is not conscious. Remember this. This is not conscious. This is not a conscious choice. The child, Now an adult, Has no idea they are doing it. They just feel the weight, The patterns, And the pain they cannot explain. A simple explanation that I use with clients is, Think of it like this. You have a separate part of you which loves your ancestors deeply. And let's just call it your ancestrally loyal part. That ancestrally loyal part has chosen of its own free will to take on the suffering, Pain, Stories, Traumas from either your parents or somebody else that you may or may not know in your family. And all this was done because that ancestrally loyal part of you really, Really loves your ancestors. He wants to belong or she wants to belong and be like them. And this part is separate from your conscious mind. Hence that choice was made. The good news is, Once you see it, You can begin to change it and shift it. What is unconscious has power over us and what becomes conscious can be healed. So what actually helps? How do you heal something that started 400 years before you were born? Now, Often, Intergenerational trauma thrives on silence. Things that are not spoken about. The secrets, The losses, The forgotten ones. Start by learning what happened. Research your history if you can, As best as you can. And some of us may not find anything and that's okay. But having that intention counts. Then acknowledge what happened. Trauma festers when it is not acknowledged. Simply saying this, Something terrible happened. My ancestor suffered and the pain is real, Begins to shift something. So you are already breaking the silence simply by being here and listening and acknowledging. And then the crucial step, You can honour your ancestor's pain without carrying it. I see your suffering, I honour what you went through and I give it back to you. It is not mine to carry. This is not abandonment. It is the deepest respect, Letting them keep what belongs to them. And then you might seek healing. You might seek help from a practitioner, You might choose to do it yourself. So as an example, One way of doing it is family constellation work. So in a constellation we create a representation of the family system just to see what is hidden. We find the excluded members, The unresolved traumas, The entanglements. And then we bring a resolution. Not by changing the past, Simply by acknowledging it, Feeling it, Honouring it and finding a new relationship to it. And this powerful work for others and also for myself. I have witnessed people put down burdens that they might have carried for decades. Then intergenerational trauma also lives in the body, It's not just in the mind. So maybe working with the nervous system, Releasing what is stored physically, Can also help complete something what was never completed in previous generations. One of the most healing things you can do is to thrive. Your ancestors suffered so you could be here. Living fully, Joyfully, Freely, While acknowledgement of their pain is giving them the best gift. This honours them more than carrying their pain. So you do not owe them your suffering, You owe them your life. So let all this sit with you. And if this video, If this recording has stirred something in you, If you recognise that you might be carrying the pain that is originally not yours, I want you to know this is not a life sentence. You are not doomed to repeat the patterns of your ancestors and you are not obligated to their burdens. You can honour them, Acknowledge them and be free. In fact, Healing this in yourself heals something for the whole family system. So when you break a pattern, It also stops being passed down to your children if you have them, Grandchildren, So nobody will carry this now and the chain breaks with you. That is profound that you are not just healing yourself, You are healing backwards and forwards through time. If you want to explore this more, I have more content on family constellations on this channel that you can listen to. If you want to explore this more with a practitioner, You might look for somebody who offers family constellation work, Ancestor work or even family systems work that you might feel safe, Comfortable working with. Take care of yourself, Take care of your ancestors because they are with you. So thank you for listening and until next time, Namaste.