Hello my friend,
This is a talk to help you if you have felt other people's judgment weighing heavily on you.
And especially if you feel you've been judged unfairly and that's activating some real fears inside of you and big feelings.
I'm going to help you with this.
One thing that I've noticed is that many teachings kind of stop at you can't control what other people think.
It is true.
We absolutely can't control what other people think.
But that can feel dismissive when someone's genuinely misrepresented us.
And the deeper work,
I think,
Isn't pretending that it doesn't hurt.
It's learning how not to hand over authorship of yourself.
There's that feeling of injury and I think if you feel like you've just been judged or unfairly judged or even if you're getting a sort of tremor of that from the past when that happened in your household when you were growing up or in a relationship.
If you're feeling that way,
Let yourself have the feeling.
It's important to know what's this bringing up in me.
I wonder why this is hitting me this way.
Because,
You know,
We can't control what other people think and they can be wrong about us.
But it hurts and it hurts for a reason.
So let yourself feel what's hurting or what's bothered,
What's frustrating you.
Just really let yourself feel that,
Maybe name some of the emotions you're feeling,
Maybe write them down.
And really let your body feel the sensations.
I mean,
Does that bring a stabbing feeling in your gut?
Does it,
Or your chest?
Does it make you tense?
Does it make your mind start to imagine worst case scenarios about loneliness or never being understood?
Notice the reactions in your body and noticing them with curiosity and kindness because you're not going to be the one.
To keep bringing this judgment in that's hurting.
You're bringing space,
You're letting yourself feel,
And you're trying to understand what is it I'm feeling physically and emotionally.
So the injury you're feeling isn't simply that you've been misunderstood.
That's the first thing to know.
The injury is that your nervous system is beginning to send up alarm and your mind your psyche.
Are starting to wonder things like.
.
.
What if they're right?
Or what if I need to convince them?
And that's where suffering expands.
How can we understand this?
Being misunderstood can threaten our sense of belonging,
And it's very primal and ancient in us.
The human brain evolved,
Humans evolved needing acceptance.
When we were in ancient times,
Being judged unfairly wasn't just something that could cause emotional hurt,
It could actually.
Create exclusion and rejection and therefore a loss of safety because we needed to be in community.
You could not be left alone to fend for yourself.
So.
Being judged unfairly can activate these very ancient primal fears of exclusion and rejection and loss of safety.
And so what your body is hearing is,
I am no longer safe in the tribe.
And that's your survival brain online,
The one that sends you those tremors,
Those,
This is a crisis,
This is a catastrophe.
The survival brain that's there to keep you safe.
And that's why you may suddenly feel anxious or compulsively rehearse conversations or imagine endless rebuttals when you're in that situation.
So just understanding this,
This is my reptilian brain coming on.
It thinks I'm going to die because I'm going to be left alone,
You know,
In a desert or a jungle.
Understanding that immediately reduces shame and says this is a physiological response,
Right?
You are not weak and your nervous system is doing what human nervous systems do and it's wanting to protect you in a very primal,
Basic,
Rough and ready way,
Okay?
And the other parts of your brain that can be more rational and discerning will go offline when you're in a very activated state.
And of course,
This is always where soothing,
Calming.
Resetting our nervous system with those nervous system tools becomes the most important practice we have,
Always,
Because when you move out of a survival system,
Into a balanced nervous system,
Other parts of your brain,
Your cognitive powers,
That are discerning and problem-solving and rational and realistic and grounding,
Can come back online.
What else happens when someone judges you?
Your identity becomes temporarily outsourced.
One of the hardest moments is when someone confidently tells a story about you that simply isn't true.
For a moment,
We begin looking at ourselves through their eyes,
Right?
And instead of asking,
Who am I?
We ask,
Who did they think I am?
And without noticing it,
Right,
They've become the reference point,
Not you.
You've lost your anchor.
So healing this,
Shifting this means returning to your center.
There are always three versions,
Right?
There are three versions going on.
Who you know yourself to be.
Who they believe you are.
And who you are beyond either story.
And that third one is the stable,
Spacious place where you want to be.
So,
Who you know yourself to be.
Who they believe you are can get into a fight with each other and negotiate with each other.
Who you are beyond either story,
No fight,
No negotiation.
This is a deeper identity that you have that's beyond narratives and stories and definitions.
Now,
Often we want to defend ourselves or we might over explain,
We might say,
No,
I'm not like that,
I don't mean that.
We might go away and say that in our head,
Even if we don't say it to the person,
We might write long emails and texts and,
You know,
Get into these Please understand me behaviors which come from an anxious,
Overwhelmed system and do not help.
They do not help.
You don't have to persuade anybody of who you are.
And in doing that,
In trying to do that,
It's very easy to make things worse and to lose your power and to feel even more beleaguered.
Explanations have diminishing returns.
Every explanation after the first is usually for our own nervous system and not for them.
Once someone's decided who we are,
Extra explanations rarely create clarity.
Often they communicate anxiety.
People can really feel it when we're trying to rescue our identity.
So ironically.
.
.
We're not really defending ourselves,
We're making ourselves more vulnerable.
And funnily enough,
What actually carries more power and more weight than a defense is being calm.
And saying very little,
If anything at all,
Just having that,
I know who I am.
Let it bounce off.
Even if it is hurting you,
Have an image.
There's a shield around you bouncing it back.
Let reality defend you.
This is one of the most freeing ideas.
You know,
Your life is much longer than their opinion.
You know,
Have these throwaway remarks and judgments very much based,
If you listen to my talk on why people criticize or if you've been criticized,
You know,
Explain why.
It's all about the other person usually.
People who know you over time,
They have a direct experience of you.
People who know you over time experience you directly.
And that's how your character gets more and more known and built.
So these false impressions are actually colliding with reality and you don't have to manage that collision.
You know that there are people who know who you are.
You know that people who do know who you are would not judge you the way you've been judged by someone who doesn't.
Is really projecting and doesn't know who you are and is,
For whatever reason,
Choosing that behavior.
You're not invisible.
Maybe you've been misunderstood.
You're still not invisible.
Someone misunderstanding you does not erase who you are.
It doesn't change what other people who do know you think of you.
Like the sun doesn't disappear just because someone closes the blinds or the curtains.
Your qualities continue existing whether or not they're recognized,
And that's what's most important.
I know that we often want to be unanimously liked and unanimously understood.
It's a very sweet part of us.
But do you like and understand everybody?
And you might say,
I try to understand everybody.
I try to see the good in everybody.
But you know,
It's hard sometimes.
So there's a burden in that belief that everyone must understand me.
That's just burdensome.
It's not possible.
No one's ever achieved that.
The wisest people haven't achieved that,
The kindest people haven't achieved that,
The most extraordinary people have not achieved that everyone can understand them or know them.
That's not the goal.
The goal is not universal understanding.
It's remaining connected to yourself and your truth while you're being misunderstood.
We have to understand and be discerning here that often when people misunderstand us,
It's because They lack information.
They're projecting.
They're hurting.
They're committed to their own story because it helps them feel better about themselves,
And they don't feel good about themselves,
Hence needing to be committed to their own story.
Or that we genuinely communicated poorly or haven't really shared who we are.
Maybe we didn't feel safety.
So how can they understand?
If we genuinely communicated poorly.
Or didn't really share.
That is ours to own.
But everything else is not.
And The way that you can help yourself here.
There are many ways,
But you can ask whose voice is this?
You can write three columns down.
You can have what they believe,
What you know,
And what life has shown you.
And this is separating projection from reality.
You can return to centre,
You can take your hands to your heart,
Your hand to your belly.
You can ask yourself,
What do people who know me say about me?
What do I know to be true about myself?
Not what you hope,
Not what they think,
But what do you know?
And just wait.
Wait and feel what comes with your slow breathing and your hand on your own side,
On your own body.
Bring it back.
There's a practice that you can do if you like this called release the audience and it's where you imagine standing on a stage.
And you're looking out and you're seeing rows of faces and some approve and some don't.
And some misunderstand.
Now you're looking out and then you're imagining all the seats dissolving.
The whole audience disappears.
Only your own quiet presence remains.
And then you ask,
If there were no judges.
How would I feel right now?
And white.
You could finish these sentences to,
I do not need.
I release.
I choose.
So examples would be,
I do not need everyone to understand me.
I release the need to correct every misunderstanding.
I choose to remain connected to myself.
I have an energy retrieval track also for when you feel you've been misunderstood to practices and meditation,
Returning to yourself after being misunderstood.
And that's a separate track if you'd like to listen to that.
But maybe this talk is enough to have given you a little bit of space and distance.
And maybe a great thing to do is to stop thinking about it.
Really choose to do something different.
To walk away,
Take a physical walk,
Clear a shelf,
Do an activity with someone that's completely different.
This too shall pass,
My friend.
And you know who you are.
And you've been given some guidance.
You may have been shown who other people are and how much you want to give your energy to those people in the future.
So on that note,
I wish you well,
I hope something in this is helpful,
And until next time,
Bye for now.
