I gave up this blame and guilt and punishment business but sometimes I wonder why we have like blame in this world because we blame others and we also blame ourselves why do we do that?
And it may be that tradition which I was brought up in and maybe many of you that judo,
Christian religion it all started with original sin and I looked at that story and just how unfair that is according to that story the snake taught Eve to give Adam an apple and who got the blame for that?
The snake?
Nah the guy?
Nah the woman did!
Is that fair?
Is it Adam's fault?
Anyway it's the snake's fault but anyway I remember this I told the Vietnamese about that story and they said if that garden of Eden was in Vietnam there would have never been original sin because Adam and Eve both would have eaten a snake no problem but the whole idea of blaming someone just seeing an apple is delicious and taking it what's wrong with that?
So anyway why do we have this blame game?
It's always somebody else's fault not my fault and if you look at yourself it's not even your fault but the blame gives rise to the terrible thing we call guilt and also fear the fear of failure and being blamed and again that starts from our education system when you're told off if you make a mistake in maths or in class or anywhere okay just to keep you awake I'm going to give you a maths test I just need a maths teacher listen very carefully 26 sheep in a field 10 dying how many survived?
You're very smart never answer a question by any means there's always a trick to that now smile Alex put your hand up 16 26 minus 10 equals 16 and of course you say wrong and sometimes little kids when I say wrong can see their face,
They made a mistake they think they're right and they feel they need to be blamed but anyway the answer of course is 10 as you all know 26 sheep in a field 10 die,
10 survive it's obvious 26 sheep 26 sheep people are always here 26 but anyway so sometimes people get into this blaming and if you do get blamed if you do not succeed if you're not the very best you feel you're inadequate but failure is a personal stigma on you to the point that you feel embarrassed and you hide your mistakes because you don't want to be blamed and that becomes the source of things like lying and you wonder why do people lie because you lose more by telling the truth than if you lie think of it there was this defendant who was on a murder trial where they still had the death penalty if he was found guilty and during the murder trial the defendant some of his testimony sometimes he said one thing sometimes he said another and even the judge interrupted and said sir do you realise the penalty for perjury is extreme he said yes but it's much less than if I'm found guilty and have to be executed so in other words if telling the truth has a more serious penalty that's why we lie because we don't like again to be blamed to make mistakes mistakes are not allowed in this world and this one of the stories where this originated from because you're a Buddhist monk that sometimes people really trust us they trust us enough and sometimes some of the people who go to our temple in Perth they're growing up with me 36 years I've been a monk in Perth and 9 years before in Thailand and over all those years people trust so one day maybe 10-15 years ago this young girl came up to me maybe about 18,
Maybe 17 said Ajahn Brahm I'm in big trouble can you help?
I said of course,
It's my job basically you've known us since we were really small and he said I'm pregnant so have you told your mum and dad?
I said no,
That's your job so why don't you tell them?
They'll kill me if they found out they'll blame me,
Punish me and I said number one thank you thank you for trusting me I've got a difficult situation and of course I told my mum and dad sometimes this happens in life human beings and just trying to punish them and try to scold them that just drives the truth underground and I was really surprised why it has to be that when a girl needs their parents well never and maybe a son got involved in drugs and they really need to tell their parents they're afraid to tell them they're terrified what mum and dad will do to them and the blame and the punishment which might come and after I saw that you realised why people hide the truth so to this day whenever I have the privilege to do like a marriage lesson to somebody I would ask them to please make that vow together husband and wife don't say anything to one another as long as it's the truth and never be afraid to tell the truth don't fear blame because we all make mistakes have you ever made a mistake?
I've made many mistakes I celebrate my mistakes I learn from them and the mistake I'm going to tell today is the time when I was called into the local hospital to the ICU unit because there was this elderly Chinese man who was in a coma really sick about today and the family wanted me to come in so I rushed in there and I did some Buddhist charting really focused and really giving a really super power sometimes my charting woah really strong really hits them and it worked I thought it worked anyway he came out of the coma came out of his disease he's going to recover and that was when the family got so upset at them they come from their different countries they took time off work to be with their father,
Grandfather,
Uncle whatever in law to be with them the last moments they even arranged a funeral service and now this Western Buddhist monk comes in and scrolls all their plans so they have to cancel the funeral rate go back to their countries they have to come back another six months later when he dies properly but this time I spooled all their plans they weren't very happy with me at all and so they blamed me I said you can't blame me you should have let me know what type of charting you want to get better charting or die peacefully charting so I learnt a lot from that experience whenever I go and do any charting or blessing for somebody I ask them what type of blessing do you want them for?
They get better charting or die peacefully charting so when you do make mistakes you learn from them and for goodness sake don't feel you're blaming someone you're blaming yourself share it around because it makes life so much fun when you get it wrong so I'm not embarrassed when I make mistakes when I get it wrong because that's being human and it brings everybody down to this level of being a human being so you don't have to be afraid of making mistakes it's one of those rules which I established in monastery which I ran over in or I was supposed to run that's a myth anyway but I don't know,
I'm away now so who knows what those monks are getting up to when I'm away they're good monks,
I trust them so because I trust them because they're allowed to make mistakes they don't make so many they're not afraid of being blamed or punished so that's one of the things which I say you're allowed to make mistakes because mistakes are part of learning to the point where I was a school teacher for one year I was in Devon in a town called Otteri St Mary I chose that because it was a place of natural beauty and at that school I had to set my first examination in mathematics that's why I learned things like 36 sheep in a field so anyway so I never set a test before so how do you set a test in math?
I know my math but I went to a senior teacher he gave me some amazing advice which I applied way beyond a test in mathematics to life itself because he told me if you set the examination too hard and the average score is maybe 30% or 40% then all of your students will come away thinking they cannot do mathematics they're hopeless at maths even though it's my mistake I would set it too hard but that's what they would believe but if you set it too easy they've got 95% or 99% scores what would be the point of the exam at all?
He said aim for the average result the average score of 70% he told me if the average score is 70% 7 out of 10 the children in your class will come away thinking yeah they can do maths 70% is a pretty good score and the 30% where they made mistakes that would give me,
Their teacher,
Feedback that would be where I could discover their weaknesses places which I thought they'd understood but the message hadn't gone across the 30% was the growth the learning the place we can improve and so I did that and I realised that rule applies to life itself if you score 100% in life you may have an easy time,
You don't earn much you don't grow,
Life is just a bit too easy for you if it's only 50%,
40% then sometimes you get depressed and think life is too hard but if it's 70% you feel yeah you're making progress but 30% the most important part of life where you make mistakes that is where you learn and where you grow so you don't blame anybody you realise this is important this is life itself this is where we grow and learn so if you have a wife who is only 40% then that's a waste of time if you have a husband who is 100% dump it,
You're not learning anything if it's 70% that's great that's where you can both learn to get there so this means that not blaming people for when things go wrong you expect things to go wrong and that's the beautiful part of life when things go wrong that's where we grow and we learn that's real life when things go well that's just nice and easy but it's where things go wrong that's the most important part of life and it's the most painful when things go wrong it hurts,
It's nasty and of course that was even nice just before I came here by the people giving me the fish and chips and all the other stuff which is now happily in my tummy so don't blame anyone don't ask me what happens when things do go wrong in life and I think many of you know the story but it's a great story sometimes when you leave here when you walk back to the tube station or the bus or the car and you go back home it does happen sometimes that you tread in a big pile of dog poo so there's another story about that there was this fellow who was not really paying attention just texting and he was walking down the road he trotted in some dog poo and he just stood away and got his shoes yuck the next minute this big hell's angel he also walked into that poo and the fellow who walked in said I just did that and the bike he punched him and suddenly he gets these jokes the man said I just did that yes but the real dog poo story is you tread in a dog poo there's no bike he's around so you look at that you never scrape it off your shoes until you grow up and then you scrape it off where?
Under the apple tree because when he ran his house had an apple tree in the back he said let go of the apple tree because if you scrape it off under the apple tree one year later your apples will be juicier and sweeter and more plentiful than ever before and one year later you'll pick those apples and you'll bite into them oh this is mecca so sweet and so juicy and succulent and as the juice drips down your cheeks you must always remember what you're really eating it's dog poo you're eating it is,
That's where it comes from what else could it be?
It's dog but transformed into the sweetest,
Juiciest apples so you don't blame them as fortunes of life in fact if you have an apple tree you go out looking for the dog poo and in many ways you possibly can take it home with you now of course the metaphor there is your man that's 30% where you make mistakes that's what you don't try and ignore you don't try and blame it on somebody else's fault you actually embrace the difficulties and faults in life you dig it in to your garden,
In your heart you grow the most sweetest fruits of wisdom and compassion that's where it comes from the difficulties of life so it means we don't blame life it's the government's fault,
It's somebody's fault it's God's fault,
It's somebody's fault don't blame your wife you chose to marry her don't choose your husband,
Blame your husband it wasn't a shotgun wedding,
It was freely chosen that's one of the stories which I remember this lady over in Singapore telling me apparently it was a true story when she was married to her husband and of course she had to marry her husband she could marry somebody else but anyway,
You know what I'm talking about anyway she got married and after the marriage her father took her son-in-law took his son-in-law aside to give his daughter's new husband some words of advice he said,
Son-in-law you probably think my daughter is the most beautiful person in the world she's wonderful,
She's so pretty I must be the luckiest person in the whole of Singapore you probably think she's so charming and cute everything she does is delightful and charming even the way she picks her nose is delightful well that's what it's like when you're in love everything about the person in love is beautiful,
Charming but said the father,
I know my daughter in a few years time,
Maybe two,
Maybe three you'll start to see the faults of defence in my daughter but I want you to keep this in mind please remember this,
Son-in-law if my daughter did not have those defects to begin with she'd have married someone much better than you it's true isn't it?
I said don't blame I remember doing marriage counselling and I remember this one my other wife first of all,
He's like this,
He does this he's terrible,
He's really hopeless and I asked the husband of my other wife oh she's really awful and terrible and hopeless you mean you both got lots of faults?
So yeah,
Well there you go,
You're a match that's true isn't it?
So anyway,
We don't blame anybody we actually make use of what we have to learn and to grow because if you start blaming somebody somebody else's fault it means we cannot do anything about it if it's a government's fault,
Yeah sure you know,
You left a new one,
What happens?
They're the same maybe a little bit different,
Different mistakes but still not perfect you get remarried what happens?
Guys,
I do lots of marriage counselling girls,
You try to think your husband is a faulty model so you trade him in for a new model get remarried and you find just the same girls,
Just the same different chassis,
The same engine but don't blame me for this I know you are John no,
Then all chandler invited me to give a talk so I'll pass the blame instead of blaming people and somebody else's fault because if you start blaming other people the next thing you do is start blaming yourself why did I do this?
I'm hopeless now that is the worst thing,
That's self blame because so many people get blamed by their parents for not being good enough by their teachers,
For not being smart enough it would be terrible at being at school and go to an ordinary primary school,
You do well you get praised what happens?
Can you live on your praise?
No,
You get sent to a bigger school where it's so hard to succeed in a bigger school so you go to a bigger school,
Then you go to a bigger university you're always trying to live up to being better you can't do that I remember I used to go and play soccer and actually I used to watch the soccer team my father took me there first of all I wish he had taken me to a better soccer team it was actually the Fulham they kept on losing,
Getting relegated it was one of the reasons I became a math I couldn't stand the suffering anymore but sometimes I remember watching those football games and blaming them you get the football player right in front of the floor he kicks it and kicks it over the bar or misses it I say even my old grandmother could do better than that and she was dead it's so easy to blame when you're watching on the sidelines but then later on in the afternoon I was playing soccer,
Just with some friends it looks easy from the sidelines but doing it yourself is much harder so I realised what am I blaming people for?
I can't do any better and quite frankly even politicians could you do better?
Sometimes we think even our old grandma could do better than that but it's very difficult so because of that,
Try not to blame people instead of blaming people,
Looking at their faults we get a lot of negativity and depression so instead of blame,
I prefer praise praising what's in the other person which you really respect praising the good part of them there's always some good in a person so that is where,
If you feel you're inadequate and I don't know how many of you recently read or knew about that book which Michelle Obama wrote highly successful woman great role model in my opinion one of the best first ladies the United States has had and she felt she was an apostate but she didn't deserve all of those accolades she didn't feel that she really lived up to her reputation that she was an imposter and a person like that who I think of the whole world would vote,
No you're not an imposter you did a wonderful job,
Well done but for her she never really appreciated her contribution she felt she was an imposter where did that come from?
This original sin you're not good enough you're not good enough,
There's something wrong with you you've been blamed,
You take on board what really doesn't belong to you the faults which you weren't responsible for there are how many times I saw this in places like London I'm walking along the road and then somebody bumps into me and I say sorry was it my fault?
Your fault I'm not going to say sorry you were watching your iPhone that's one of the other little stories so many people just communicate they're watching their iPhone all the time just like when I was saying last night people who are bricklayers they call them brickies people who join motorbike gangs they call them bikies what do you call people on the phone all the time?
Phonies I don't know if people like that but it's true so anyway so that we can just learn just where was I with this before?
Phonies anyway sometimes I especially after a big rush start to forget things you know why?
Because I live in the present moment I teach other people let go of the past don't worry about the future just be in the present moment so what do you expect?
No so maybe people take on the guilt of the world I think that's all they're there for and they blame themselves because we got used to that instead of blaming oneself I think they're all good things one has done so a bit of work to do this a very simple exercise you take a piece of paper I did this with actually a prisoner about to be released and he said I don't know how to survive out there I'm terrible who would want to employ me after what I've done?
So what have you done?
Stop don't tell me I get a piece of paper out put his name on the top a vertical line down the middle of the paper all the terrible things you've done left hand side give him a piece of paper and a pen he wrote,
Wrote,
Wrote,
Wrote fill the left hand side up pretty quickly now on the right hand side all the good things you've done nothing,
Nothing good at all I'm hopeless,
I'm terrible I'm obeying on the world no you must have done something I've done nothing good what have we done today?
Nothing I hear you look after the prison cap oh yeah?
Well did he give a glass of milk this morning?
A source of it?
Yeah I actually gave him a source of it put that down gay and cap,
Source of the milk what else have you done?
Oh you know,
Well actually just I actually said it was cold outside so I let it into myself so I can just have a bit of war put that into the book and then listen once they started seeing the good parts of themselves he filled that right hand side with a piece of paper very quickly and then he was surprised,
Hey have a look this is all the good you've done you thought you hadn't done any good at all here it is he was actually surprised he needed encouragement at first but soon he realised there's many beautiful parts to his character so get a pair of scissors cut it down the centre the left hand side,
All your faults that goes in the rubbish bin the right hand side,
Photocopy it the naminator keep as many copies as you can wherever you go to remind yourself of your goodness that would just give you a big head it doesn't give you a big head it gives you a big heart and if you're a monk or a nun,
A big tummy you know this is not actually fat I had it checked it's a big heart because every time,
Every year when you are a monk you practice compassion and kindness open the door of your heart to others and of course every year as a Buddhist monk your heart grows and grows and grows soon it got so big it was pushing the gates of my ribcage and I didn't have anywhere else to go except down and out I have to go somewhere,
This is a big heart is it healthy?
We know one of the religious mentors one of those icons when I saw him as a kid I always wanted to live up to you know we have our role models in life and I say when I grow up that's the sort of person I'd like to be and that person he was wise and generous and kind and he would not discriminate who he would be kind and generous to and he was old and fat even when I was young I still see him around today still alive,
Still around,
Still fat still generous and loving you know who that is?
Yeah,
Santa Claus so here was the image which I was looking up to Santa,
Immortal,
Fat but on that if you ever notice,
This is a totally off subject but anyway I'd have a coupon subject which you won't know no,
Not really,
That's really out of character have you ever noticed that chubby people are always happy?
You never see a miserable fat person they're always laughing do you remember,
Actually I met him once,
Harry Seacrest he was very fat,
Very jolly,
Very happy who's the other fat jolly people?
But anyway I wondered why you never see a fat miserable person and then I read a scientific article about your arteries your arteries invade your blood vessels every time you're happy or laugh you get wider,
They expand every time you're negative,
Miserable,
Fault finding,
Blaming your arteries,
Your veins,
They actually narrow so if you are fat and negative it's double whammy you've got more blood going through your veins and arteries and the veins are very small,
Of course it can get cropped having heavy traffic,
No doubt one of the small veins but,
But,
If you're fat and happy it's like having some double width M25 no matter how much traffic goes through there it never gets carved or congested so why?
Everything can go through that is why happy people survive miserable people,
Especially miserable fat people think I said,
If you're a bit fat,
Over way good,
Laughing,
That's the same as I said but I did actually when I went through the customs I think one US airport recently they looked at me and said,
What have you got under your thing over here?
They said is it a suicide belt?
I said no,
It's only fat,
But he said the same thing so anyway,
Being brave so what happens if someone likes you?
What would you do?
It's like water,
No not just water on the duck's back we have a simile in Buddhism about the lotus flower you see many,
Many temples,
You have lotuses everywhere and figures of lotus and lotus pods are one of the similes of a lotus if you're a lotus and say a dog urinates all over you the lotus never actually holds anything everything just drips off and even urine it all falls off the lotus and afterwards the lotus still smells like the lotus and not as a urine you've got this repellent of liquid and if someone comes by and pours Chanel No.
5 over that lotus that too doesn't stick to the petals of the lotus,
It all falls off and so afterwards that lotus still smells like a lotus not like a perfume I remember that because people praise me like poor Chanel No.
5 over me it all rolls off they blame you like urinating over me it all falls off,
You keep nothing but you know of many people you know they can let go of the praise but the blame is what they keep that's really weird every time I say then old Chanel what a great job you're doing just starting off this big cooney kwache 40 year old name Buddhist nuns equal standing sorry not equal standing,
Equal sitting and just bringing this ancient tradition to the modern world as it was there were big coonies in the time of the Buddha why are they in the now?
We care,
We have and now they're obviously hopefully to grow so,
So,
Instead of and I was half responsible for that so do I get blamed for it?
Do I get praised for it?
Very easy to keep blame so I wonder if that oh I should have done that oh I should have done that when somebody praises you oh we're all done Reynolds Sandro being the pioneer making it happen for other women here and they pray,
Oh that's nothing why is it we always accept blame far easily more easily than we accept praise and I saw this in my life once many times,
The first time was when I was given an award in Australia,
It was a medal from community service at a prestigious university in Australia and as soon as,
When you get an award like a medal you have to give your acceptance speech my acceptance speech was something like this I don't know why you chose me it was a surprise because there's so many other people who have done much more important work than I have done and I couldn't have done this without the help of so many of my friends and supporters,
But thank you anyway what I was doing was rejecting the praise saying I didn't deserve it there's more people more deserving and I couldn't have done it without my friends the next year there was a professor,
A doctor he was a professor of hematology one of the big teaching hospitals in Australia and as well as just what he noticed is mostly dealing with cancer and noticing that people who had cancer had the best medical treatment but after they had had the radiation therapy chemotherapy or surgery they were leaving the hospital without much aftercare so he used his position as a senior doctor to kick out a few people from some rooms get a sponsor and have an alternative therapy centre where every patient who'd been any treatment for any cancer could go in and get a foot massage for free get reiki,
Acupuncture what he said,
Anything weird you can get there for free not weird but many people in the science profession thought it was weird and he put his reputation on the line as a hard scientist for doing weird stuff which was considered weird at the time but he also was smart enough to actually to do the statistics to check out those people who went to the alternative therapy centre compared to those who didn't what were the health outcomes?
And it was magic people who went to the alternative therapy centre at least there were people there spending time with you they gave you a foot massage,
Reflexology and they were talking with you at the time they were being kind to you not just in,
Out,
As if you were sung on some production line and that helped enormously and he had the figures,
The proof to prove how effective that was that is why he was given the prize after me and when he went up to give his acceptance speech he said,
I don't know why you've given this award to me there's so many other people in the medical and other professions who've done much better work than I have done and I couldn't have done this anyway without the help of all my friends but thank you anyway so hang on,
That's my speech from last year and why is it that someone is praised they don't accept it they're blamed,
Oh I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that they accept it straight away why is that?
Because we've been trained to accept blame and to consider it and show remorse but praise,
Well no,
That's not a fact,
That's ordinary and afterwards that professor,
He did an amazing job,
Well done hey,
Maybe I deserve my prize as well and I thought hey,
Maybe I did why do I always reject praise but only accept blame because I always was taught if you accept praise you get a big head you don't,
You get a big heart so this bhikkhuni,
Sitting next to me courageous,
Brave,
By herself,
Starting something amazing anew in London,
In Oxford,
In England do you accept that?
Yes I do excellent,
Very good,
Okay,
That all goes thank you okay so it's weird isn't it,
We always accept,
They mostly accept the blame not the praise so instead if we just water the weeds in a garden and the weeds grow water the flowers,
The flowers grow one of the best pieces of praise I've ever got I'll take this to my grave,
If I actually go to a grave I'll take it to the crematorium,
That's where I end up or whatever happens to me so one of the greatest pieces of praise is when I was called up I used to do a lot of work in prisons and called up by one of the prison officers they said can you please come back,
Teach me how to prison,
I jam I'm too busy these days,
I've got to go to London,
I've got to go to New York I've got to do this,
I've got to do that I said to somebody else,
No he said,
We want you why me?
And then he gave me this wonderful praise which I will never ever forget in my life he said because every prisoner who came to your classes once released never comes back to jail I've never seen this before I don't know what you've been doing but zero recidivism I thought wow,
What have I done?
I think one of the things which I did do I think the main reason,
You saw a prisoner and some really nasty people in there for nasty crimes but I never all those years I went into jail I never ever saw a rapist I never saw a thief,
I never saw a murderer I never saw a force,
I never saw a criminal in the jail all I ever saw was a person who had raped I saw a person who had murdered you know that story of the two bad bricks in the wall?
One of the people in the local jail he read that story,
He said,
There's only two murders only two bad bricks in the wall I don't know how you think about that but that was the start of his rehabilitation to get out and have a job instead of staying in jail all the time you would never murder again all those people went into my classes I never saw them as criminals people were far bigger than that stupid,
Terrible,
Hurtful thing they had done they saw the other part of themselves the right hand side of that piece of paper the beautiful side of themselves they had the opportunity to forgive they were worth forgiving they were worth rehabilitating they felt that themselves two of the pieces in particular they were selling drugs,
Which is a terrible thing to do because there's so much harm in our world selling drugs,
In jail,
Family all busted up and afterwards,
The local school teacher in a primary school had the nerve,
The courage,
The wisdom to invite those two drug dealers into a primary school to teach the children what really happens when you start getting involved in illegal drugs the education system were giving money to actually do some classes for your primary school children to make sure they never get involved in drugs getting policemen,
Psychologists,
Professors and that just didn't work at all you get someone who really knew first hand what it was like when you get into trouble with drugs these two prisoners spent the day in a primary school was not put in newspapers at the time,
Thank goodness otherwise the newspapers would have just roasted that principal but when I saw what happened afterwards the day afterwards,
Every class where those two prisoners taught from the heart,
The pain which happens when you're involved in drugs the kids were asked by the teachers to show thanks by writing little cards to these two prisoners,
One I'll never forget his name Nick Dear Nick,
Thank you for coming to our school we'll never take drugs,
Sarah,
Age 9 Oh thank you Nick,
Please come and see us once you're released Thank you,
We'll know so much about what drugs we do to you Thanks Mary,
Age 10 You can see from those letters,
They made an impact they connected,
They were the experts those were in pain and hurting so much for what they'd done but when Nick was showing all these letters heaps of them,
I never seen a man weep so much crying his eyes out,
He atoned in a little way for what he'd done by helping so many other kids not following his footsteps and of course once he was released,
I saw him again at an airport waiting to receive somebody on the aircraft and hand on my shoulder,
Turned around,
There was Nick said,
Nice dress,
No no,
Nice suit Could be,
Yeah but he was actually wearing a suit and he said,
I've got my own little business,
Successful and he said,
I'm still meditating every day,
I'm still meditating every day thank you so much,
But the biggest thing was being given a chance to pay back some of the harm he'd done by helping others never judge a person,
You blame them but do some of the other things to them don't just see the weeds,
See the flowers when you water the flowers,
Not the weeds the flowers will grow,
Somebody makes a mistake they know they made a mistake,
Care for them to guide them through,
The fact they made a mistake doesn't mean they're a hopeless person doesn't mean they're a waste of time guide them through the next steps,
A lot of blame find something to praise and realise they're much more than the faults which they have done which caused them so much trouble that's why blame doesn't work we don't ignore it,
Acknowledge it,
Learn from it but also focus on the beautiful side of human beings and so in everybody's that's why I could get invited back to jail see somebody,
Don't see their faults see their beautiful side,
And that's what goes OK,
So I bet I'll go on any long night otherwise I won't get blamed would I?
No,
OK
