Hi,
I'm Dr.
Denise Webb,
Clinical psychologist.
Welcome to my video on emotional neglect.
So in this video I'm going to talk about emotional neglect and how to both connect with yourself and find your voice.
And in just a minute,
I'm going to talk about how you can learn this very important skill in your life right now.
But the first thing I want to talk about is exactly why you are actually missing this skill in the first place.
Why haven't you learned it?
Well,
I'm going to talk about how emotional neglect takes your voice away.
Literally.
Growing up with the deepest,
Most personal expression of who you are your emotions ignored,
Which is the very definition of childhood emotional neglect.
This teaches you that your deepest self is unimportant,
Maybe not even worthy of expression.
So if your parents didn't ask you,
For example,
What you wanted or what you needed.
Or what you felt.
If you didn't learn how to check in with yourself to try to answer those questions.
Or even that you should check in with yourself.
How are you going to even know what to ask for or what to express?
It's hard for you to even know what it is that you're feeling,
Or what it is that you want,
Or what it is that you need.
And this makes it very difficult to put it into words if you need to.
Don't even know what it is.
But it's especially hard to put it into words also.
If you didn't have this modeled for you as a child or if you weren't asked enough questions as a child about what it is that you do want,
Feel,
And need.
Because childhood emotional neglect,
Or I call it CEN,
Since it's my specialty as a psychologist,
I see people with emotional neglect every day in my psychotherapy office.
And typically they're folks who have a great deal of trouble knowing what they want when they're asked,
Say,
By their spouse.
What movie do you want to see tonight?
You know,
They're likely to say,
I don't know,
Whatever you think.
Even if they have an inkling of what they want to see they may have a lot of trouble really sensing that or taking it seriously or expressing it to their spouse.
Another example is when emotionally neglected people are angry or hurt.
These people with emotional neglect tend to say nothing because they don't want to rock the boat.
Or they don't want to hurt someone else's feelings.
Or.
A lot of times I hear them say,
I don't want to open up a whole can of worms.
Because that is what it feels like to an emotionally neglected person to speak their truth.
It feels like they're just causing trouble.
Which could not be further from the truth.
But these are words that I've heard many emotionally neglected people say over the years.
And emotionally neglected adults.
Really end up very disconnected.
From their own wants and needs and feelings.
They really don't know how to express their truth.
But there's an even deeper problem.
Which is they have trouble knowing even what their truth is.
When you grow up emotionally neglected,
You end up feeling that your voice really just doesn't matter.
That what you have to say really doesn't matter enough to say it.
And you also feel like your deepest self doesn't really matter.
So maybe you end up doubting your own feelings and your own wants and your own needs.
And your own wishes.
Even doubting whether all of those things are valid enough.
Put out there to another person or to express.
Maybe other people's feelings seem more important than your own feelings.
Or maybe it just feels simply wrong to express yourself.
Like you're inconveniencing others or just simply being selfish even.
So many of my emotionally neglected clients describe getting really hurt by their spouse or friend.
Basically thinking to themselves,
It doesn't really matter.
I'll just forget about it.
Or I'll just wait and this will blow over.
I'm sure it won't happen again.
But the problem is that this is a harmful habit.
Because if you don't talk with the other person about the problem,
They are far more likely to hurt you again.
They may not even realize they hurt you,
And this gives them the signal that it's okay to do this again.
So it is so important that you express yourself and put your truth out to other people who absolutely cannot hear you.
They can't read our minds after all.
The reality is.
.
.
That as a person.
Who exists in this world.
It is not only okay for you to express yourself.
It is actually your responsibility to express yourself.
You are your own best and most important advocate and protector.
And it is your choice.
Biological imperatives.
Take the actions necessary to voice your truth.
This makes it extra challenging for you to speak up.
Especially when you're having strong feelings of any kind.
Maybe even positive ones.
Some CEN people have as much trouble saying emotionally expressive positive things.
Like.
.
.
I love you.
I need you.
I like you.
As negative feelings like you just hurt my feelings or I wish you hadn't done that.
Or this is a problem for me.
Or that made me angry.
So positive or negative.
Either one or both might feel very awkward and difficult for you.
But knowing how and being able to say what you need to say to someone,
Even if you're afraid to say it.
Even if you're afraid it might hurt them.
Even when you're angry.
Or sad or hurt or in need of something.
All of this,
Being able to express it,
Is a vital part.
In life and it's very very important that you have it.
Knowing how to express your truth in a way that maximizes the possibility that the other person can even hear you and take it in is another layer of skill.
Because we can all you know blurt things out and just say things.
The minute we feel them.
The other person is likely to get defensive if you don't say it in the right way,
That they could potentially take it in.
So being able and knowing how to do that.
Is also,
I mean basically it's the description of assertiveness and it's also a very important skill to learn for your life.
Being able to do these things.
Really helps you deepen your relationships and preserve your relationships.
And it also helps you actually get what you want and what you need in life,
Which we all know is very important and which you do deserve,
Whether you realize it or not.
So I have some solutions to suggest.
A kind of a straightforward one.
And one that will take a little bit more time.
The straightforward one that you can start right now.
Setting a goal,
To say the words.
I want.
Several times a day.
Or I feel,
Or I need.
So I want,
I feel,
Or I need.
You probably don't use any of those sentences nearly often enough.
In this exercise,
You set a goal for yourself.
For example,
I'm going to say each of those,
I want,
I feel,
I need.
Fill in the blank.
Three times every day.
Or say each one one time every day or I'm just gonna Just going to work on saying what I want.
And try to say,
I want blank.
Once a day.
Start where you're at and set a goal that suits you and works for you.
And start with someone who feels safe,
If that feels better,
Someone you're close to who understands.
And who.
.
.
Maybe even can help you with it,
Although that's not necessary.
And also feel free to start by expressing very small requests or small expressions of feelings or wants.
And this will.
.
.
Feel easier to you and you can always build up.
In addition,
Please allow yourself to make mistakes and to fail sometimes,
To intend to say something and actually not be able to say it in the moment.
Is perfectly natural and it's all part of the learning process.
So be kind to yourself.
And really try to work on this.
Another thing that you can do to work on this is to learn everything you can about assertiveness.
Assertiveness is a key skill that involves expressing yourself and your own feelings.
Putting them out there.
In a way that the other person is likely to hear it.
So in other words,
Not too passive.
Not too aggressive.
But in a way the other person has a good chance of taking it in.
That's what we're looking for.
When it comes to assertiveness.
Everyone can learn it.
It's basically a skill.
Many people don't have the skill,
But you can learn it.
Another thing you can do is pay attention to your feelings.
Much more than you have been.
And start to value them and listen to them because your feelings will inform you when you need to express yourself and they'll also inform you about what you need to express.
So if you got a lot out of this video,
Please leave a comment below.
I would love to know if you feel that your voice has been taken away by childhood emotional neglect.
Or how it may have affected you.
And whether you feel that you can learn these skills.
And keep me informed of your progress as well as you go along.
Just post it in the comments below.
In my next video,
I'm actually going to talk about finding a therapist to help you with childhood emotional neglect.
Believe me,
Not every therapist understands this full concept.
Knows how to walk a person through the steps of recovering from an emotionally neglectful childhood.
But there are some out there,
A bunch of whom I have personally trained,
So Watch the next video and I will explain to you how to find a therapist like that and I'll also explain why so many therapists actually don't understand this concept.
Okay,
Well I hope this has been very helpful and I look forward to seeing you in the next video.
