Hi,
I'm Dr.
Denise Webb,
Clinical psychologist.
Welcome to my video series on emotional neglect.
Today I'm going to talk about emotional neglect in marriage.
How it makes relationships go wrong.
In just a minute,
I'm going to talk about three major problems that naturally occur in most marriages that are affected by childhood emotional neglect,
Or CEN.
But first I want to start with describing the experience of the child who is being emotionally neglected and the power of what fails to happen.
Imagine not getting a call from your best friend on your birthday.
Imagine never getting that job promotion that you've been waiting years for.
And imagine not having a child.
These are examples of things that don't happen.
They're invisible experiences or non-experiences.
Could even be classified as nothing.
But nothing can be everything.
The impact of these non-experiences is great.
Childhood emotional neglect is also a non-experience.
It's something that fails to happen in the life of a child.
It happens when your parents Don't acknowledge or notice or respond to your feelings enough in childhood.
But this non-experience may seem subtle.
Or insignificant,
But just like years of waiting for that job promotion that never comes,
It's quite a poignant life experience.
Since childhood emotional neglect is invisible,
It's common.
For those who have experienced it to be unaware.
But long after the emotionally neglected child is all grown up.
And marries,
It lurks under the surface,
Interfering with their marriage.
You might have difficulty connecting or enjoying your relationship in a way that feels genuine.
And you may secretly wonder why.
There are signs.
The main patterns emerge in relationships that are weighed down by childhood emotional neglect.
The first problem that develops in an emotionally neglectful marriage,
Or a marriage in which one of the partners grew up with childhood emotional neglect,
Loneliness.
Couples who do not have emotional neglect.
Tend to feel comfortable and supported by one another.
Um.
.
.
Not not alone in their relationship.
There is an ease in knowing that your partner is there for you in good times and bad.
Instead of going through the difficult parts of life alone.
The non-emotional neglect couples can feel secure in the fact that they have someone by their side.
In contrast,
Those who experience childhood emotional neglect often describe feeling distant from their spouses,
And their spouses often report also feeling distant or alone in the relationship as well.
It's because their emotions,
The very thing that things that foster love and closeness.
And mutual dependence.
Are to some degree walled off.
And have been since their childhood.
Since emotions are needed in the marriage for the connection to deepen,
And for laying the groundwork for intimacy.
Emotional neglect interferes with it all.
And this is why,
In an emotional neglect marriage,
You may very well feel alone.
If you've felt alone for a long time or if you're unsure and not great at identifying your feelings,
It can be hard to know.
Whether you are feeling alone in your marriage or not.
So I'm going to give you some signs.
That you may be feeling alone in your marriage.
And the first one is that you don't want feel like your partner is your teammate.
Leading you to feel like you're just kind of like in it in it alone in it on your own The second one is that you feel alone even when you're with your partner.
I see a lot of emotional neglect couples.
In my therapy practice and one of the common things that I hear from people who are married to an emotionally neglected person.
That they feel alone even when they're with their partner.
It might be hard to imagine this but how this happens,
But you can actually feel even more alone when you're with your partner than when you're actually alone.
And it's because you know that you should be feeling this connection and it's missing.
And you just feel the fact that it's missing and it has an effect on you.
The second.
Sorry,
The third sign is that you feel like your partner doesn't truly know you.
And this is because if your partner's not seeing the deepest personal biological expression of yourself,
Your emotions.
If your partner isn't feeling and seeing your feelings.
Then they have a hard time seeing who you truly are.
And that makes you feel alone as well.
So,
The second problem that CEN brings to your marriage surface level conversations.
So couples who are emotionally connected.
Openly discuss their feelings and needs without too much discomfort.
It's something they see as a necessary component to being in a relationship.
And there's an ability to show vulnerability and discuss their motivations and their desires,
Their emotional needs.
And their deeper feelings together.
But couples who experience childhood emotional neglect,
On the other hand,
Have great difficulty conversing about topics of interest.
That bring on Thus,
They fill the space between them with the news and current events and scheduling kids' activities or planning the next vacation or what's happening at work.
And conversations tend to be centered around facts.
Or what's happening with little focus on how they're feeling or what they're feeling or even meaningful topics that would lead to emotional connection.
So in case you have difficulty.
Figuring out if this applies to your marriage.
Here are three things that would indicate that you and your spouse are keeping things at a surface level.
The first one is talking about feelings is very difficult for one or both of you.
So you may have trouble articulating what it is you're feeling to your partner.
Emotions might come up.
But you tend to just ignore them or discount them or bury them.
Or,
On the other hand.
.
.
Anytime emotions come up.
It becomes a blow up.
That's another sign.
If you ignore the feelings in the relationship long enough,
They do end up coming out very powerfully.
So it's either no feeling,
Blow up.
No feeling,
Blow up.
Or it might just be.
Pretty feeling free all the time.
It just depends on the nature of your marriage.
The second indication is that you don't know what to talk about.
Perhaps you go out to dinner,
You're expecting to feel romance and intimacy and some closeness.
Instead maybe it feels a little tense a little empty maybe even a little awkward.
You may even blame yourself when your expectations aren't met.
Just believing.
That something is wrong with you or something is wrong with your relationship.
The third sign is that emotion words are limited in your conversations.
For example,
If you use emotion words at all,
You might stick with very basic feeling words like happy,
Sad,
Mad.
While expressing your feelings.
So kind of omitting the many different,
There are hundreds and hundreds of different emotion words.
And you may not be even there.
Privy to them or thinking about them or using them in ways that could convey to each other in a much more varied and rich and complex way what you're each feeling.
The third problem that comes up in CEN marriages is a big one.
This one has a tremendous impact.
Conflict avoidance.
As a psychologist specializing in childhood emotional neglect.
Time and time again I hear couples.
Share their belief that encountering a conflict means that their relationship is in danger or is negative in some ways.
But couples who experience childhood emotional neglect can go to great lengths to avoid any signs of fighting or discontentment.
They don't realize that conflict is normal and it's a healthy part of relationships.
No two people can be in complete harmony at all times.
Being human means having emotions.
And opinions and needs and beliefs and values that are unique to you.
When conflict arises,
It's actually a chance to communicate the deeper parts of yourself to your partner and vice versa.
And to understand the differences and inner workings of what makes each of you,
You.
When you avoid conflict,
You also avoid your vital feelings and needs in your relationship.
These feelings and needs don't just go away.
They fester under the surface.
Anger,
Frustration,
Resentment,
And hurt can then interfere.
With joy and love.
Connection,
And richness.
So what are the signs of conflict avoidance in a marriage?
First is when you.
Sorry,
When you notice a feeling.
In yourself.
To keep it to yourself.
For fear that it will negatively affect your relationship.
Which,
As I just explained,
May emerge in a blow-up later.
Second is.
.
.
You hate conflict and arguments.
So.
You basically sweep issues under the rug.
The third is that you and your partner utilize the silent treatment or stonewalling when upset.
The silent treatment is a huge sign.
Childhood emotional neglect because it means that you don't have the skills needed to actually deal with issues up front.
And fourth is you have important unresolved grievances with your partner.
And that's because you've been avoiding conflicts.
So now,
Let's talk about what to do.
If you believe childhood emotional neglect could be playing a role in your relationship,
Please know that it is not your fault.
Also,
Know that there are things you can do to make some positive changes.
You can.
Hum?
To terms with the fact that you or your partner are affected by childhood emotional neglect.
Or both of you.
Learn all you can about childhood emotional neglect.
Understand the impact that it has on you and on your relationship.
You can make sure that you don't resort to blaming.
You,
Nor your partner,
Chose to be emotionally neglected in childhood.
It's something that's difficult to spot.
And if you have been connecting on a surface level or avoiding conflict,
Understand that this was no conscious choice.
You are not given the tools in childhood to connect in a deep and genuine way with each other.
Also,
You can realize that childhood emotional neglect is not an incurable disease or even a disease at all.
It's simply a lack of emotional awareness.
It's something that can be changed.
Work together with your partner and pay attention to your emotional worlds.
It can feel uncomfortable at first,
But over time,
You'll find that the discomfort was worth it to get to the other side of love and connection.
I've guided countless couples through the process of childhood emotional neglect recovery,
And I've seen the powerful force of emotions connect and revive couples that have been lost in the depths of emotional neglect for years.
You no longer need to walk on eggshells.
Feel alone.
Or avoid sharing your partner,
Sharing with your partner the truest and most beautiful parts of yourself,
Your feelings.
Once you begin working toward your relationship.
Will come to life.
So if you found this video helpful,
Definitely leave me some comments below.
I would love to know what you have to say and I'll be sharing much more about how childhood emotional neglect affects your emotional awareness.
And how that plays out in your relationships in future videos.
See you soon.
