Influence By Others (We Are Shaped By Our Closest Friends)

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

There's a saying floating out there.

You may have heard of it.

We are a reflection of our five closest friends.

What it means is if you were able to interview the five closest people to us,

We'd have a good understanding of who we are.

Whether it's true or not,

What I do think is important is the people that we hang out with influence us.

Of course,

We influence them.

The key concept here is we are going to be influenced by those that we spend time with.

The question we want to ask ourselves,

Are these people great people that are making our lives better and we're making their lives better too?

Or are they ones that tear us down,

Whittle away our self-esteem and make us feel less sad?

Because it is a choice.

It's a choice who we hang out with,

Who we spend our time with.

If it's a choice,

Why not choose people who are going to make our lives exquisite?

Because they're out there.

You know the good news is we don't need a lot of them.

We just need a few people that love us dearly,

Listen to us intently,

And participate in the joys and wonders of life with us.

In today's talk,

I want to talk about the three aspects of creating a beautiful life with beautiful people in them.

It is possible.

It just takes work.

It takes effort.

It takes determination.

If we do these things,

I really believe we can find great,

Wonderful friendships throughout our lives that really help creating us happiness,

Joy,

And fulfillment in our lives because these friends share the journey of life with us.

We laugh with them.

We cry with them.

We just get the experience of being with them for a little part of our lives and sometimes throughout the rest of our lives.

Let's go explore how we find these wonderful friends.

Well,

The first thing we have to do is we have to decide that friendships matter.

They are important.

What type of people we have in our lives,

Whether it be our spouse,

Whether it be our neighbor,

Whether it be our best friend,

Whether it be our colleague,

These relationships matter.

They influence us,

Sometimes for the better,

Sometimes for the worst.

The first thing I think it would be really helpful for all of us to do is to make a list,

Perhaps written down or perhaps in our head,

Of our closest friends,

Of the people that have the biggest influence on our lives.

Then we look at the fact that we are shaped by what and who we are around.

This is central because I think there are a lot of people out there that have relationships that we would describe as pretty dysfunctional,

But for whatever reason,

They choose to stay thinking it won't make any difference.

It makes a difference.

It makes a huge difference.

All the people in our lives matter,

Particularly our closest friends.

So we have to ask ourselves,

Are they great friends building me up?

Am I contributing to their lives or are they dysfunctional relationships,

Dysfunctional friends that are tearing me down or perhaps bringing out dark behavior in myself that I'm not proud of?

If we hang out with people that are cutting other people down,

That are talking about the negative things in the world that perhaps cut us down or we do things to hurt them,

How good is that for our soul?

Is it not going to make our lives harder and take away the joy and happiness in our hearts?

What if instead the people in our lives are building us up,

Are always supportive and positive,

Are sending us encouraging words and being there for us when we go through hard times?

And if we're listening to this talk,

I'm very sure we want the latter.

But we have to create it.

If we just let life unfold,

Sometimes the people that life brings us aren't the best for us.

So we may have to go out and look for them.

And that's part two.

Once we decide that the people we hang out with,

The things we expose ourselves to matter,

Then we decide,

OK,

Well,

How do we find these great people?

Because I want them in my life,

Dr.

Puff.

Well,

Here's how we do it.

First,

We have to decide if the things we're doing are good for our spirit.

For example,

If every weekend we're trying to find that great friend at the local bar where everyone gets drunk,

That's probably not a good place to find someone.

We shouldn't be there.

And I doubt we're going to find a great soul there.

So instead we ask,

What am I passionate about?

Do I like the arts?

Do I like hiking?

Do I like dancing?

We do these things that we're passionate about.

And then when we're there,

We're friendly.

We talk to people.

We get a sense for people.

Because guess what?

Other people are looking for the same thing we are.

And we have to take that risk.

We have to say,

OK,

That seems like a really good person.

Perhaps I'm going to talk to them a little bit,

Get to know them better,

Maybe have a lunch with them.

And then guess what?

Once we find that great person,

We have to fuel it.

We have to feed it,

Meaning we have to make an effort to talk to them and connect with them regularly.

Think of it this way.

Let's imagine we're given a great gift of a beautiful bonsai tree.

If you've ever seen them,

They are magnificent.

They're miniature trees that look like trees.

Well,

If you know anything about them,

They take a lot of work.

You have to water them regularly.

You have to trim them.

You have to prune them.

You have to make sure they get the right amount of sunshine.

They take effort.

They take work.

Friendships are just like that.

When you meet this great friend,

They take work.

They can take effort.

We have to connect with them on a regular basis.

Otherwise,

They may start wilting and we'll lose that friendship.

And that's why,

To be honest,

We don't have time for a lot of friends because friendships take effort.

And if we're spread too thinly,

It's like having a lot of bonsai trees.

We just can't take care of them.

We need to have a few,

Maybe two,

Three,

Perhaps four,

But a few very close friends.

Remember,

Great friends.

And then when we find these people,

We make sure we are watering that relationship.

Being attentive,

Reaching out,

Talking to them because they're worth it.

And we want that friendship.

So we have to make sure we're being a good friend,

Which we'll talk about in part three,

But also making sure we're feeding that friendship with our love and our joy for their lives.

Being interested in what they're doing,

Trying to talk to them regularly,

Connecting with them.

And when we do these things,

Because it is a great friend,

We're going to get the blessings of being around and being influenced by their positivity,

By their love,

By their joy of life.

We are significantly influenced by the close people in our lives,

By everyone,

But particularly by the very close people in our lives.

They should be very supportive,

Loving,

Caring,

Kind people,

Period.

And if they're not,

We have to think about,

Okay,

I need to find people like this.

I remember once,

Years ago,

Working with a boy.

He was younger,

A teenager,

And he was involved in very dysfunctional behavior and had close friends that were on the same path.

So he needed to make changes and he did.

He made lots of changes and found new friends.

It took a while,

But he didn't give up.

And he started really doing well with life.

And a wonderful thing happened is I ran into him about 10 years later and I saw him doing exactly what he loved to do with the people that were so supportive now in his life.

And we can do the same,

But it's probably going to be a lot easier to find these close friends,

These positive,

Great friends,

In things that they do that we love to do too.

Because when we have a friend,

It's wonderful to share experiences together.

And the more we have in common,

The more we'll share.

So that would be really important.

Besides looking for people that are positive,

We just need to get out there and meet people.

There are many ways to meet people,

But doing what we love is probably the easiest way.

So let's commit to getting out there,

Getting to know people,

Being friendly,

And then when we find that special person,

Making an effort.

One of my oldest and closest friends I met through a hiking club,

Getting to know him that way.

And we've been friends for decades.

But a more recent friend I met through the arts because of my love of the arts.

So we can meet people in different ways,

But it's a lot easier to meet people through our passions.

Because when we meet a passionate person who's kind,

That's a beautiful combination.

But now there's part three.

Remember,

Other people are looking for friends too.

So if we want to meet great,

Wonderful people,

Guess what?

We have to be a great,

Wonderful person.

We have to share with them our joys.

We have to support them.

We have to ask them questions.

We have to care.

We have to remember things that they share with us.

And if we do that,

Guess what?

We will become an attractive friend to be with too.

But it takes effort.

And we have to work on ourselves.

We have to ask ourselves,

Okay,

Am I exposing myself to negative things all day?

Perhaps I'm watching the news too much.

Perhaps I'm watching shows that are really not good for my spirit and that's making me not be a good friend.

How can I attract a great friend if I'm not feeding my soul good stuff all day long?

You see,

We give to a friendship what we feed our soul.

If we're feeding our soul beautiful,

Supportive,

Positive things,

Then we're with our close friends.

That's what we're going to give to them.

It wouldn't even cross our minds to say anything cruel or hurtful because we're not exposing ourselves to those types of thoughts or those types of images.

We stay away from them.

And with that,

When we're with them,

The only thing that's going to come out of our mouths are supportive,

Loving things.

And guess what?

Like attracts like.

We're going to meet people that will do the same to us.

So that's what we do.

We develop our own love of life,

Hopefully a little love for ourselves.

And that love for ourselves through being careful what we expose ourselves to makes it easier to share love with our friends.

Now before I end,

I do want to talk about one thing that some of you may be wondering and that's what do we do with people that we kind of have to be with like our family or people we work with?

What do we do in these situations if they're not great people?

Well,

The first thing we always do is we focus on our behavior.

We ask ourselves,

How am I doing?

Am I behaving well or am I entering their world of negativity?

We don't go there.

The only thing we can influence is ourselves.

So we influence our behavior and whatever they're doing,

We do things that are positive.

It's hard for a negative person to be around a positive person as it's hard for a positive person to be around a negative person.

So if we really do engage in positive,

Loving,

Kind,

Supportive interactions with others,

Then when we enter a situation that isn't that,

We remove ourselves from the situation.

If possible,

And if not possible,

Then we just don't engage with it.

We may go silent.

We may not say anything,

But we don't participate in negativity because we don't want to influence them in a negative way and we're not going to let them influence us.

But the great news is really the people that are going to matter most in our lives are these super great friends that we have.

And the friends can be our spouse,

They could be our child,

They could be our parent.

That doesn't matter.

But what matters is we have really loving,

Supporting relationships with a few great people and these relationships bring so much joy and happiness to our lives.

It's truly amazing.

And then one last thing,

We can't create people like this.

We have to find people like this.

Trying to change someone in our life,

That's probably not going to work.

People are the way they are and we are the way we are,

But we're working on being a great friend to others.

And so that's what we look for,

Someone that can reciprocate that.

If they're incapable of doing that,

We hoping that they'll be able to probably won't be the case.

It's far better to put our energy and our time towards those who support us,

Who we enjoy,

And who we just laugh with.

It's wonderful to laugh in life and stop trying to change those around us that we can't.

But once we've decided to really bring great people into our lives,

We just have to remember the three things.

One is other people influence us for good or for worse.

And today we're going to choose to find great friends.

The second thing is we have to find great friends because we may not have them in our lives.

And we're going to do that by doing the things that we love and then looking for them and taking risks.

And once we find those great friends,

We're going to feed that relationship because it matters.

And lastly,

We're going to be a great friend.

And even if we don't have anyone in our lives right now,

We won't give up and we'll keep working on finding them until we say,

My goodness,

Life,

Thank you for bringing this person or these people into my life.

I am so thankful.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast until next time,

Except what is love what is.