Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.
I'm Dr.
Robert Puff.
Today,
I want to explore one of the most magnificent superpowers we possess.
And if we develop this skill,
Our lives can go really well,
No matter what.
Life just doesn't always go the way we want.
And our normal,
Immediate psychological reflex is resistance.
We mourn the plans we had,
We fight against a new reality,
And we focus entirely on the doors that have been closed.
Step.
Think about someone losing their job,
As a lot of people are right now.
It's scary.
It's upsetting.
It can create a lot of trauma inside of us.
Losing our job can lead to losing our house,
To becoming homeless,
To having people leaving us because we don't support them anymore.
But we don't know what's going to happen.
Sometimes things get a lot better.
Haven't we all known someone who's lost his job or her job and then gotten a better job that they never would have applied to if they hadn't lost their other one?
So why does this happen?
Why do we get so stressed when things change?
In psychology we know that pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice.
Suffering occurs when we refuse to accept reality.
Unfortunately,
When we spend all our energy on wishing we were in a different season,
We become blind to the opportunities available in the room which we're actually standing in.
True resilience or adaptation isn't about breaking down the walls of our new circumstances.
It's about learning how to decorate the room we're confined to.
I'm using this analogy of the room because of a beautiful novel I would suggest all of us read called A Gentleman in Moscow by Amur Tols.
He's given a luxurious suite,
And then for the remainder of the time he's there,
He's given a tiny drafty attic room.
This is all based upon the politics of the 1920s in Russia.
Early in his confinement,
The count recalls the wisdom of his godfather.
If a man does not master his circumstances.
He is bound to be mastered by them.
Could you imagine being one of the richest people in your country and then,
Because of political changes in your country,
You get put into a small attic room for the rest of your life,
Potentially?
You may think this would never happen,
But if you study history,
This has happened often around the world.
So the Count realizes he has a choice now that he's facing the ultimate psychological crossroads.
He can either become a bitter resentful man pining for his lost past,
Or he can figure out how to live a life of absolute dignity,
Purpose,
And joy within the four walls of the hotel.
He chooses the latter.
Maybe right now we're not facing such a tragedy as the Count is,
But We may someday because our life changes and we don't know what's coming.
The truth is for many of us,
If we live long enough,
Our bodies are going to begin to slow down and wear out.
We may not be able to travel as much.
We may not be able to see as well.
We may not be able to hear as well.
We may be in pain.
There's a lot of things that sooner or later,
Most of us are going to face.
And if we even get there,
There's a lot of things along the way that can create distress and havoc in our lives.
Our partner asks for a divorce.
Our kids get ill.
We lose a job.
Or we have a health scare.
On and on it goes.
It almost seems like life is a scary jungle that we have to face terrible circumstances and be on our guard throughout our lives,
Otherwise we're going to suffer.
But the truth of it is,
Sooner or later,
Most of us are gonna face one or many of these.
So is it just hopeless?
Should we just throw in the towel,
Give up and say,
Screw it,
I'm just gonna drink myself into oblivion and not care?
I believe there's a better way.
How does the account adapt to his changes,
Which are huge?
He doesn't let his daily standards collapse just because his world got smaller.
He still dresses immaculately,
He still reads beautiful literature,
And he savors the precise flavor of his coffee and meals.
Let's say we lost our job or navigating a tough divorce.
We can always engage in the dignity of a daily physical routine or the simple self-respect of meditating and reading in the morning to keep our minds elevated.
Because the count could no longer travel the world,
The count travels deeply into the lives of the people around him.
He forms profound relationships with the hotel staff,
A young girl,
And guests.
He finds immense purpose in his new,
Smaller domain.
Have you ever visited a retirement community or a nursing home?
My mom worked in them for years and she would tell me a lot of stories.
Some of the people fought and really hated being there but others adapted so well and had a wonderful remaining years of their lives.
In these nursing homes.
For all of us,
No matter what changes come.
The goal of life is not defined by the size of our geography or the perfection of our circumstances.
It is defined by the quality of our attention.
The depth of our connections.
The key here is adaptation.
Can we adapt to the changes that life has given us?
Are we gonna fight them,
Screaming and kicking?
To our last breath.
It is a choice.
Many of the circumstances in our life we can't control,
But the one thing we can control is our response.
The Count had to come to the point of radical acceptance.
It doesn't mean we approve of difficult changes,
It means we stop fighting the fact that it has happened.
The moment the Count truly accepted that he was never leaving the Metropole,
He was free to start living again.
When we stop exhausting ourselves by fighting the reality of our changing seasons,
We free up all that psychological energy to start building something beautiful right where we are.
If right now the person you thought you were going to spend your life with has asked you to leave or wants a divorce,
Yes,
You're going to mourn and you're going to be sad.
But if you want to live well,
You have to say,
Okay,
What's next?
What can I do to adjust to being a single person now?
The list can be endless of how life throws things at us that we did not see coming.
But if we develop this skill of adaptation,
In truth,
It doesn't really matter.
Sure,
We like it better when things go smoothly,
But that isn't how life works.
As I said earlier,
All of us.
If we live long enough,
Our bodies are gonna change,
And not for the better,
But it doesn't mean our lives have to get worse.
We just,
Like the count,
Need to adapt to what life has given us,
Because we can adapt to anything.
One of my favorite things about exploring the world is seeing how people around the world live so differently than we do here in the U.
S.
And yet they're not less happier,
They're not less content.
They have the same level and sometimes even better levels of contentment than we do that are so wealthy here in the U.
S.
But if we're truly honest,
Don't we all know people that have far less success,
Beauty,
Freedom,
Whatever it may be that we do,
And yet we've met them and their beautiful souls.
When we develop the skill of adaptation.
Our lives go well because as humans we can adapt to anything and we can adapt well.
If you end up reading A Gentleman in Moscow,
You'll find how the Count went from being one of the wealthiest people in Russia with lots of power and prestige to perhaps one of the most confined persons outside a prison.
It'd be like nowadays if Elon Musk lost everything and had to move into a small one-bedroom apartment but he couldn't leave because of political issues.
I believe even Elon Musk could do this if he had the skills to adapt.
We all can.
It's not about anything special.
It's about flowing with life instead of fighting life.
This really is our superpower if we develop it and it's an awesome superpower.
What would we be afraid of if we knew no matter what happened,
We'd be okay?
And not only that,
We would thrive.
Where's the fear?
It's gone.
Where's the anxiety?
It doesn't exist.
So how do we develop this adaptable mindset?
First,
Let's take a circumstance audit.
Take an honest look at an area in our lives where we are currently resisting a change or feeling restricted.
Acknowledge the frustration but then consciously choose to stop fighting the reality of it.
Next,
Or second,
Elevate the ordinary.
If our world has temporarily shrunk.
Elevate the details.
Treat a simple dinner at home,
A walk around the block,
Or the reading of a good book with the same exact reverence and dignity you would give to a grand vacation.
And then third,
We need to deepen our roots.
When we can't expand outward,
We grow downward.
We focus on deepening our immediate relationships.
We look for beauty in the people right in front of us,
Just as the Count found his family among the hotel staff.
I believe God surrounds us with beautiful people.
We don't have time for them sometimes,
But when our circumstance changes,
They're there,
And we can get to know them,
Spend time with them,
And help them to embellish our lives and their lives too.
Over the years,
I've worked with many people who,
For whatever reason,
Stop having relationships with their family.
But how I help them transition into having a good life is creating a new family of people that they spend their holidays with.
And in many ways replace their family that is no longer in their life.
This adapting to whatever life brings us is one of my favorite things I love to do and help people with as they go through transitions in their life.
I know no matter who's sitting in front of me,
I can find something beautiful in their life no matter what's happening.
They may have to change,
They may have to adapt.
But if they're willing to do that,
There's just always something beautiful that we can create in all our lives,
No matter what.
In conclusion,
We can't always choose the circumstances life hands us,
And we cannot always control the boundaries we are placed within,
But we can possess the absolute,
Untouchable authority to choose our response,
Our dignity,
And our capacity for joy.
May we repeat the following affirmation,
I accept the season I'm in.
I release my resistance to change.
And I choose to build a beautiful,
Meaningful life exactly where I am.
Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.
Until next time.
Accept what is.
Love what is.
