For many of us,
Our early experiences,
Perhaps with critical parents,
Taught us that we needed to be better,
Better than we were,
If we wished to be accepted.
Many of us so internalized this message that needing to be better became a foundational,
If even unconscious belief,
A belief on which we built our lives.
In short,
We embarked on a lifelong self-improvement project with some ideal self,
At last accepted,
That might be reached.
Now,
As we have aged and are moving into the next phase of our lives,
Post-careers,
Perhaps with mature families,
We may find that the results of that lifelong self-improvement project are mixed.
Yes,
We may have a much greater understanding of ourselves.
Perhaps we've studied psychology and sociology,
Been in counseling and therapy,
Practiced mindfulness and meditation.
And yes,
Perhaps we are far better at measuring our responses,
Holding our tongues,
Tempering our anger,
And greeting others' differences with empathy and compassion.
And yet the need remains,
Not necessarily to be better,
Though that may well be the case,
But to be recognized for having arrived,
To be approved,
At last accepted.
At the heart of this need is a childlike need for safety.
Recalling the origins of our self-improvement project,
We may recognize the gentle or not so gentle nudge of the disapproving parent,
Get back to me when you're worthy.
For some,
We may have transferred this desire to be accepted onto another,
The unfortunate partner put into the shoes of the parent,
Or some substitute parent,
Such as a career or an image of divinity.
But as we age,
As we come to the end of our careers and move into a phase of life characterized more by being than by doing,
We may now be able to return to the root of this desire to be better and uproot it,
Not satisfy the desire which we know now cannot be satisfied no matter what we achieve or what we become,
But to eliminate the root of the desire itself.
Through mindfulness,
We may look at that lifelong desire to be better which has so driven us,
Not with anger and denial,
But with love and compassion.
I see you there,
We might say.
This need to be loved,
Protected,
Approved.
You have worked hard enough to keep me safe.
You're free to go.
Let's take a few moments now to reflect upon this idea of the lifelong self-improvement project as one defining force in our lives and see how it may still linger.
Let us bathe this childlike need in compassionate awareness so that it might soften and be released.
Thank you,
Friends.
I hope this reflection and brief meditation has been pleasant and helpful.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Be well.
Thank you,
Friends.
