Radical Self-Esteem: The Joy In Being Who You Are

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43:58

Radical Self-Esteem: The Joy In Being Who You Are

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Isn't it strange that we struggle with self-esteem? What happened to us that caused these divine miracles of life (who we are) to believe that there is something wrong with us? Let's explore the truth about who each of us is. Let's look at how we got disconnected from this innate wonder and beauty. Let's explore how to live in a truly soul-centred place of self-love, compassion, and true esteem!

Self Esteem Self Worth Self Confidence Self Love Authentic Self Compassion Judgment Social Media Emotional Neglect

Meet your Teacher

Toronto, ON, Canada

Meet your Teacher

Toronto, ON, Canada

Transcript

So today we're talking about radical self-esteem, Finding joy in who we are. We're talking about this because a member of our community asked if I would do a talk about self-esteem. What's interesting about the word self-esteem, We often talk about self-love, Self-confidence, Self-worth, But I was so interested in the word esteem because this is different. Self-worth is like that I believe I'm a human being that deserves to be on the planet. It's very basic. Or self-confidence, That I feel confident that I can do whatever comes before me, It's all good. Or self-love, Am I connected to my truth, Do I love who I am, Do I love, You know that kind of thing. Self-esteem is different. Esteem, The word esteem means to, Well it means favorable regard or respect. So if you hold someone in high esteem, You respect them, You think they're worth something. So if you imagine what self-esteem means, That we actually hold ourselves as a worthy human, That we respect who we are. It's not even about love or worth, It's like no, Like I respect this being that I am. In a practical way, It can show up like if I have healthy self-esteem, That I have confidence that whatever comes before me, I can handle it. It can also mean that I believe that I am a lovable person and I think that, I mean why wouldn't you love me? And not in a weird way because again, We've been taught a lot of false humility, That I'm not allowed to say, Well I know, I mean you know who would love me? On a personal level, So I was married for 20 years. And when I divorced, I was that you know hot to trot divorcee. I was also writing Tantric Intimacy, So my friends often would say that I was doing market research. And I moved downtown Toronto from a little town. I dated like nobody's business. I just, Oh man, I made up for lost time. It was really wild. And it was interesting you know because I was, I would have been 46. And it was interesting how suddenly I was really concerned about what my body looked like. And I was really concerned about what everyone else thought, That what everyone else thought of me and all this. And that's a funny thing to date in that perspective, Like in that idea that what if they don't like me? Or what if they don't like maybe I'm too tall or too short or too fat or too skinny or too brunette or too whatever. And then one day, And it sounds funny to me to say this, But one day I looked in the mirror and I thought to myself, You're a great catch Katrina. Just can you hear already there's a fight inside. You can't say that. Doesn't she think a lot of herself? But it was the most peaceful, Wonderful feeling inside that I was like, If someone doesn't like me that has nothing to do with me. That has to do with them. And it was like my own self-esteem was suddenly wonderful. Dating was fun after that. I wasn't, If someone didn't like me or we didn't click, I didn't take it personally. We just weren't right for each other. There's nine billion people on the planet. We're not going to be right for everybody. And it changed everything. So having healthy self-esteem in work, In life, In everything is really, Really interesting. And so again, Let's just look at the practical how this, How self-esteem shows up. So let's imagine what we might call failure. So the question is, Do I have healthy self-esteem or poor self-esteem? Well if something doesn't go the way I planned, If I have healthy self-esteem, I see it as a learning experience. Well that was interesting. Grist for the mill, On to the next thing. What goes up must come down. All things are part of the journey of life. But if I have poor self-esteem, If something goes wrong, It's like, See told you I couldn't do it, Told you I wasn't good enough. Socially, When we have healthy self-esteem, We're generally confident in situations, You know, Whether we're extroverted, Introverted, Doesn't matter. Because we'll just set the boundaries and we'll be honest and we'll be clear and because I deserve to be here. You know, Your opinion of me isn't going to alter me that much. But we have, If we have poor self-esteem and to truly understand that I have had poor self-esteem nearly my whole life, So I actually more highly identify with the poor self-esteem side. Today, Not as much, But it depends on the day. So poor self-esteem, We're pretty hypersensitive to criticism, Right? If someone doesn't approve of us or doesn't think this is right, Then we're pretty sensitive to that. Plus, We tend to be people pleasers because we hold that person, We hold almost every other person in higher esteem than ourselves. So we have to make them happy. We have to make sure that they think good of us. And again, It doesn't have to be better or worse, But when we're a people pleaser, We tend to hold others in higher esteem. So then we look at our inner voice, Our inner self-talk. When we have healthy self-esteem, We're pretty kind. We're a cheerleader. It's like, That was good. Oh, You're having a tough day? That's okay. Let's take care of you. Because we admire ourselves. We think we're good. We think we're lovely, You know? So of course, If we have poor self-esteem, We're incredibly critical. You're never good enough. Of course you couldn't do that. And then there's trying new things, Expanding in life. When we have healthy self-esteem, We try lots of new things. Maybe it works. Maybe it doesn't. It has nothing to do with my own self-worth or who I am. I'm just trying stuff. Maybe I'm good at it. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm a natural. Maybe it'll take time to develop those skills. But if we have poor self-esteem, We tend not to try new things because we're so afraid of judgment and we're so afraid of failure. And the hard thing is, This is where there becomes a negative cycle, A loop where we don't tend to try new things, Which then reinforces our lack of self-esteem. See, I never do anything. I never do anything, Right? It never works, You know? And see, I am a loser, See? In the 19th century, There was a psychiatrist, Psychologist, Not sure, Named William James. And he actually developed or popularized the idea of self-esteem. And he actually had a really interesting equation, That self-esteem equals your successes over your expectations, Goals, And what you believe that you should be good at. So that's really interesting. And this is where self-esteem is a little bit different than a lot of the self-worth, Self-love, Self-confidence, Things like that. Because self-esteem is dependent on our expectations of self. So for example, I may be a perfectionist. So I have insane expectations of self, Insane goals. And when I say insane, What I mean is unreasonable. That's what I mean. So now all of a sudden, I believe I'm supposed to achieve this huge thing. Everything has to run perfectly all the time. So now, What are the chances of everything running perfectly all the time? Well, We don't live in a vacuum. We don't, We can't control all the factors. Not within ourselves, Not within with other people. So now all of a sudden, You actually could be an incredibly high achiever, But because that lower part of that equation is so high, You actually have very poor self-esteem. You could just be achieving amazing things all over the place, Affecting people's lives in positive ways. You could even just amazing things, But you could have really crappy self-esteem. On the flip side, You could have no goals at all for yourself. You could be like, I don't need to accomplish anything in life. And now all of a sudden, Every single thing you do, You're like, I'm a genius. I'm incredible. I'm amazing. So esteem is an interesting thing because it's sort of this interesting equation. So what we're actually going to talk a lot about is this equation, Because I think it's really neat. I think it's a really interesting way to look at things. But the first thing I want to look at is, What are the things that actually cause poor self-esteem? So obviously, The first thing is living with a lot of judgment. Let's say you live in a home where your parents had, Again, Very high expectations of you for some reason. Who knows why? Maybe they were living vicariously through you. Maybe they were terrified what the neighbors would think. So you had to have the big education and the big job and marry the right people and have the right number of kids or everything had to look a certain way. So they had, Unconsciously even, They would have just put all these expectations. So all of a sudden on this equation, The bottom half of that is huge. And there's no chance that you could ever have enough successes to make this positive. Like it's just not possible. I have this thing in my head. I have a really good friend who really hates math. To her, Math is just, It's just nonsense. And she's one of the most genius people I know, But math isn't her thing. So I am just going to explain this this fraction for a minute, Because please don't take this the wrong way. Or like that, You know, I'm insulting your ability to do fractions, But I know that my friend hates fractions like nobody's business. So if you imagine this, This equation that we're talking about, If the lower number is bigger than the smaller number, It's a very small number, Right? So if you had like one over two, A half, Imagine that, Right? You've got half a pizza. But if you have, If the lower number is four, You now have one quarter. So now you have a quarter of a pizza. Or if the lower number is ten, You now have a tenth, One tenth of a pizza. And if the lower number is a hundred, You have one hundredth. You have one hundredth. The pizza is cut into a hundred slices and you only get one hundredth. So this is why that lower number is so important. And if it is so big compared to the upper number, We're sunk. So I apologize for this little math interlude if you didn't need it, But I have too many people I really deeply love and respect who just hate math, So just had to mention it. So back to judgment. School is a really interesting place where we learn a lot of judgment. Even the fact that we are graded on everything we do tells us here are the expectations. A hundred percent is the expectation. What did you get? 60? 50? 80? Whatever. We're set up to say there is a numerical number that tells me how much esteem you should have for yourself. And even if in life we don't necessarily walk around with a numerical number in our head, The idea that you can even set a framework like, Okay well let's say what you really want to accomplish is you want to be fit and thin because that's the ideal, Right? That's the Hollywood ideal. So then all of a sudden the expectation is I have to lose 60 pounds. That's the expectation. Now what if it's hard? What if there's more wrapped up in this than just calories in calories out and your success isn't big enough? Well then your self-esteem goes into the toilet. Or maybe you decide that your expectation is I've got to run the marathon. I gotta I'm gonna run a marathon this year. And you train and you train and maybe there's a crisis in the home. Maybe somebody gets sick. Maybe you get one of those phone calls that derails your life. And no matter how much you try to train you can't. Well if we really hold this goal of the marathon in our mind our self-esteem is going to suffer. So it's interesting how we were taught that this is even measurable. And it's deep in us because we went to school from a very very young age that what you're worth is measurable. It's very important to to really deeply have compassion for ourselves so that we can change this. And then you look at the church you know and depending on what faith you were raised in the church can be tough. You know even crazy things like you're supposed the expectation is you're never supposed to think about sex. And I'm talking about maybe extreme churches you know there's lots of more liberal relaxed churches. But for anyone I know that was raised in a strict strict Christian home you should never think about sex. This is the expectation. This is that lower number. But it's a natural thing to think about. It's called survival of the species. So every time you fail look at me. I'm such a sinner. That we were born in sin. That we are inherently sinful. Like all these things. So now suddenly those upper successes are getting lower and lower and lower and lower and lower. You know so the fact that if we suffer with low self-esteem pretty natural. It's something to just kind of go huh well that makes sense. Sometimes the expectations on the lower part of that equation have nothing to do with who we are. There's something else. There's someone else's idea. There's someone else's thoughts. So for me for example I'm such an idealist or I have been a great idealist in my head. So I will read a book or I will study under a teacher and I will create all these expectations in my head about how I should be and what I should be accomplishing and how I should save the world and how I should be a great parent and how I should be a great wife and how I should be whatever. This ideal member of society. I did that. I created all those ideals from my reading and studies and most of it doesn't even have anything to do with society. I did it. Just to me. I have an ideal body type that I should be in. I have an ideal diet that I should follow. An ideal meditation schedule that I should follow. But does any of this have anything to do with who I actually am? Like what this soul came to earth to do? Or is it all just some weird persona that I've just painted onto me and then forced myself to try to achieve it. But it has nothing to do with me. And shocker of all shockers, My soul unconsciously derails the plan. Right? Well if I'm not careful and I continue to have these inflated expectations of myself that aren't real, That aren't based in me, My esteem is going to be crappy. Because it's nothing to do with me. Now if I actually looked at who I really was and said, Okay, Why am I actually here? Why was this soul incarnated here on earth in this time? I'm pretty sure I wasn't born here to achieve anything. I'm not a robot. I'm not a factory cog or a cog in the great factory of life that by the time I die I have to have made this much money and talked to this many people or been married x number of times or whatever. Pretty sure none of that is my dharma. None of that is my soul's path. What if the truth is I look at myself and I think, What do you love to do Katrina? What are you good at? What do you do naturally? Well I'll tell you if my greatest goal in life, If the lower part of my equation was I'm going to read, You know, A hundred books a year. I'm going to have coffee with my friends. I'm going to enjoy the sunshine. I'm going to feel gratitude for being alive. I'm going to wake up every day and journal or whatever. You know what? My self-esteem would be pretty epic because I could do all that and it's all based in who I am. It's actually based in this soul's path. You know, That's different. Imagine. Another big thing that can really knock the stuffing out of our self-esteem is bullying. And bullying can happen from our parents. It can happen from teachers. It can happen from ministers. It can happen from your peers. It can happen by romantic partners. It can happen in all kinds of places. But when we are bullied and we really feel it and we really internalize it, We believe we're worthless and it undercuts all of our self-esteem. And suddenly we don't think we can do the things that we want to be able to do. So it's just interesting to note, Like, Have there been times in my life that I've been bullied? What did that do? And sometimes what happens when we get bullied, You know, Again, If we look at the equation, You can feel free to ignore the equation, But my brain likes equations. The top part, Those successes, It's like we just think we can't achieve anything because we're a loser. Because that's what we're being told by these people. It's why abused people stay in relationships for so long. Because their self-esteem has just been broken down, Broken down, Broken down, Broken down. Those two things that sort of dictate our self-esteem. Do I believe I have the confidence to do whatever is needed to be done? Not if you're being bullied every day. Do I believe that I am a lovable person worthy of kindness and happiness? I'm not going to think that if I'm bullied every day. So just to ponder that in your own life, Like, Have I experienced that? Because again, We just look at it, We write it out, We figure out, You know, How did this affect me? And then we let it go and we let that esteem come back. In our modern day, Our self-esteem can really take a hit just through social media and Hollywood. So again, So if William James said that self-esteem equals our successes over the goals, Expectations, And what we think we should be good at, What does social media and Hollywood do to what we think we should be good at? What our lives should look like? You know, One time I was playing around with filters because a friend of mine, I thought she might have had like plastic surgery or something, And nothing against plastic surgery, But she just looked so different in all of her pictures. And sometimes I think I live under a rock and I don't really understand that people use a lot of filters and stuff. So I decided to play with a filter and it was so weird. I took a picture of myself, I don't know what I was using, Instagram or Snapchat or something that had some really strong filter on it, And I looked at myself at this, I was looking at this picture of myself. Yeah, I had super clear skin. I looked like I was about 25. But then when I held that picture up against my actual picture, Wow, Did that ever do a number on my self-esteem? Because now suddenly that lower number, The expectation of myself, Was somehow morphing into that I should look like that filter. But what I really looked like was the top of that equation. What I really looked like was this. It didn't look like that. So it's just interesting to note, What are we looking like when we look at Hollywood? To deeply understand that if you had a makeup artist and a designer and all these things, We all could look like a movie star with enough paint on our face and lighting and everything. None of it's real. So it's just, It's a very interesting thing when we struggle with self-esteem. You know what's funny? And I'm just going to talk about women for a minute, But certainly probably applies to men too. I was reading this essay by Ursula Le Guin. I don't even know if I'm saying her name right. It was all about how I've always been a man. And it was obviously like satire, But the idea that there's never been any such thing as a woman in her entire life. It was always about being a man. It was always about acting like a man, Looking like a man, Being slim like a man, Being strong like a man, Being consistent like a man. And she said, I've never actually seen women because we've all been expected to be men. And she specifically talked about bodies, You know, That we were supposed to be fit and trim like a man and all these kind of things. And how hard it was to one day decide that, No, I'm actually allowed to be a woman. I'm allowed to have adipose tissue in different places and I'm allowed to cycle with the moon and I'm allowed to cycle with my cycle and I'm allowed to, You know, And that can be for all genders, But there's really something interesting about looking at ourselves and saying, There is no ideal. If all of us, Every single person that was here right now, If we lined up, Do you know how radically different we all are? So some of you guys, Most of you guys probably know this, But I love going to nudist colonies. I love going to nude beaches. One time, 10 years ago, My husband and I, We went on a naked cruise through the Caribbean. 3, 500 naked people on a boat. And this isn't like hedonist, This is just naturists who love being naked. You know that one of the most wonderful things about being around 3, 500 naked people? You realize that we are all beautiful. Every last one of us is beautiful. And of course, When you're naked, You can see all of the the surgical scars, You can see all the the weight that's been lost and gained and everything. You can see injury, You can see like people's life stories on their bodies. And it is so beautiful. And to double up on this, When you go on a naked cruise, It is still the people are cruising age. The average age is between 55 and 75. These aren't all like playboy bunnies and teenagers and 20-somethings. You know, These people have lived, They have lived life and these bodies have carried them through that. There is no ideal. It's a fallacy. You can go to one culture and having, You know, The heavier people that are the successful people, Men and women. Other cultures, You have to be skinny as rakes. There is no, It's just, It's all fabricated. So to have any self-esteem wrapped up in our physical appearance is crazy. The reality is, What if the expectation, The goal of myself, Is just to be in my body, Whatever it is, Whether I'm in pain, Whether I'm feeling great, Whatever. What if my expectation is loving where I am right now? When they study, You know, Mind-based Buddhist techniques of reframing even suffering to say, This is where I am. This is my reality. There's something strange about when we create a reality that's not there and then suddenly we're not good enough. We're all good enough. We're all amazing. Every single person here is here. You know, It's amazing. Another big thing that can really knock our self-esteem out is emotional neglect. And our society is rife with this. Emotional neglect is when you were treated like your feelings didn't matter. This is pretty common. Our parents were raised to believe that. Most people's parents were raised to believe that. Schools, Everywhere, Work, Your feelings don't matter. You got to get the job done. You got to grow up, Got to be stoic, Got to be presentable. Well, Our feelings are essentially our soul's interaction with the world. This is the feedback. Like, So when something happens and I have a feeling or an emotion, This is real. This is who I am in the world. For that not to matter, Wow, That's a big deal. And a lot of us are taught that our feelings don't matter at a very young age. So again, How do we fix it? Considering it's something that nearly everyone experienced, Some to a much greater effect than others. Well, Then we start today. That every time I feel something, It matters. It doesn't mean that people have to change or anything else, But I have to know that I matter. I have to know that my feelings matter and that those feelings are there to guide me. They're my navigation system. And then as soon as we start trusting our feelings and paying attention to our truth, Suddenly we end up having a lot more confidence about how to do things. It's like, You know what, I can do this because I have this amazing inner navigation that will tell me if I'm on the right path or not. And suddenly my esteem meter goes up. There's a lot of other systemic things that can really do a number on our self-esteem, Like racism, Sexism, Classism. If you've been taught that you are less than your whole life. And again, It's just something to deeply look at. It's not a final space because in the end it's us that believes it. It's like whether it's, You know, Racism, Sexism, Whatever. Like let's say as a woman, Because this is my experience, I remember it must have been maybe 15 years ago and I was out buying a minivan and I'll never forget it. And I went into this Toyota dealership and I really wanted the Toyota van because I think they had the doors opened on both sides, You know, Buying a minivan. Pretty sexy stuff. And the guy looked at me and said, Why don't you get your husband to come in and then we can talk about the final numbers. I just looked at him and I thought, Are you kidding me? Really? This was like in 2008 or something. This wasn't in 1857. But again, The only difference is do I internalize it or not. That's all that matters. I can be susceptible, I can experience all kinds of crazy stuff. But it's what I walk forward with that's all that matters, You know. So just again, Just something to be aware of. Classism is a huge deal. If you're a blue collar worker versus a white collar worker versus old wealth or whatever, Depending on where you were raised, People can literally be like, So what do you do for a living? And they are asking where you belong on the ladder of success. And again, It doesn't matter what other people think. All that matters is what we think. If someone's a plumber and this is all this weird caste system that's been infiltrated over the whole world. This weird idea that people are leveled based on the work we do or how much money we have or what kind of car we drive. This is real. That if I'm not at this level, Then suddenly there's something wrong with me and my self-esteem can absolutely take a hit. I mean people experience this if they lose their job. Suddenly like, You know, I don't even have any worth at all. Look at me. A lot of these things are deeply embedded in our psyches. So it's important just to sit down and talk about it and write about it and say, Have I internalized this? And is this knocking my self-esteem out of me? So when we look at our equation, I don't think I've ever talked about equation with you guys before. Probably good reason but self-esteem equals successes over goals, Expectations, What I feel I should be good at. So the number one question is, What are my expectations and goals? What do I think I should be good at? These are the questions we have to ask ourselves. Why do you think you're here on earth? Really. To really sit with that. What do you think you should be accomplishing? Because this is the foundation of our self-esteem. Because if we are not accomplishing what we think we should be accomplishing, Our self-esteem suffers. And these are questions to ponder, To journal about, To discuss with friends, To open up about, Really try to get to the bottom of it. Where does your self-esteem lie? Like where is the equation applying in your life the biggest? Is it looks? Fitness? How young you look? Is that the basis of your self-esteem? Is that the number one thing that really knocks you down? Is it money? Is your self-esteem based on money? Is your equation successes over goals and expectations? Is it about money? Is it about relationships? Is your ultimate goal in life to have the perfect romantic relationship, The perfect family, Like is that? And to understand too, This isn't a judgment. I'm not saying that these are wrong. It's a self-awareness of what we're experiencing. Because it's okay. Whatever it is that is a priority in our life, That's a priority in our life. But we need to be honest about it. And then we have to look at it and ask ourselves, Why do I have this expectation? What is it that I think this is going to make me feel? Is it about business? Does your business have to be successful? Is it about fame, Prestige, Social credit in the community? Is that what you seek? And it's just something to think about. Because there's nothing wrong with having goals and expectations. But they have to be rooted in who you actually are. Not external goals, Not externally created by other people or other ideas or whatever. Can you imagine if your only goal, Genuinely, And I don't mean this to be pat or something, Was to be happy. Can you imagine if that was your goal? I'm just gonna have fun today. That's all. Well the hilarious thing is, For most of us, That's pretty hard. Like today, I must tell you, You must go out and do fun things all day. Go. The second part, What do you think you should be good at? This is the other part of that denominator of that equation. What is it that you think you should be so amazing at that we think we're failing at? Do you think you should be an athlete? Do you think you should be a scientist? Do you think you should be the Buddha all the time, Perfectly calm, Not showing emotion? What? What is it that we think we're supposed to be so good at? And again, This isn't a judgment. It's just an awareness to go, I think I feel like I'm supposed to be the Buddha all the time. Yeah, Failing at that. Well maybe you're not supposed to be the Buddha all the time. You know, I have a passion for the mystical path, The full communion with God, The full. That's what I want. You know, That is, If I have any expectations or goals in life, That's it. I just want, That's what I really want. And my favorite stories of mystics are the ones that don't act like the Buddha. They're the ones that get angry and they freak out and they run down the street and they, Those are my favorite. They're just my favorite. So this is the goal in the end, To deeply come to our own truth. Who am I really? What do I love to do? What comes easily to me? Because those are the things that actually define who we are. Can you imagine if that was your equation? Can you imagine that I expect myself to be me? I hope, And my hope is to expand on who I am from the foundation of who I am. No one else's, Just me. I'm gonna put my glasses on. If anyone has any questions, I'd love to answer them. What do we need to let go of? Just everything that isn't us. Everything that came from somewhere else. Anything that feels really hard. The school thing, Should I teach again? These days I just want to be a good dog mom and have positive interactions with others. As far as the equation goes, It seems to me there's a difference between what we believe we should be good at versus what we are, We authentically want to be good at. Both can tip the scales tremendously. Yes. And to know that it isn't that we don't grow, And it isn't that we don't expand and learn and do wonderful things, But we expand and grow because it's fun. It's not an expectation, It's something we're interested in. If I'm studying tantra, You know, The ancient teachings of tantra, It isn't an expectation, It's joy, And I naturally expand when I do that. I guess sometimes the scale for good is so high for me, But I often don't give grace for things I'm probably good at. I think if we're asking the question about something personal, We already know the answer. Yeah. Well, Thank you guys for being here. We'll see you later.