Toxic relationships are built upon the realities of people who think in a toxic way. It is not possible to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with those who think and behave in toxic ways. In this episode, I reveal six major signs of toxic people you need to look out for.
Meet your Teacher
New York, NY, USA
Transcript
Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast. My name is Lisa A. Romano. I am a life coach, Bestselling author, YouTube vlogger, Meditation teacher, And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse. I am a believer in the power of an organized mind. My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life. May your heart feel blessed, Your mind feel expanded, And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast. Today we're going to be talking about the signs of toxic people, The warning signs of toxic people and their relationships and the way they think. And during this session, I think it'd be really helpful for us to be self-analytical, For us to be observing of self and to consider if any of these signs apply to our own personalities. None of us are perfect. We are all, We all have a dark side and a light side. It just depends on what situation and circumstance we are put in. You know, People who say they would never steal. Well, Do you really know that? If your child was hungry, You know, And there was no way for you to get your hands on money, Would you steal? You might steal, You know. If a child's life depended on it, Could you hurt someone to protect the child? So I think it's just important that we recognize that all human beings have the ability to do things that they might not think they would or could do. And so when we look at and think about toxic people and we wonder, How does that apply to myself? We move into a spirit of humility and we become less judgmental of others and we become more understanding and more empathic as human beings. And that really is going to help us save the world. And so let's move into the signs of toxic people, Which is basically toxic thinking. So the number one sign is that toxic people look for unnecessary conflicts. So they exaggerate. They tell you what other people said about you. They exploit other people. Think about somebody who's sitting back in a conversation and will pinpoint the one negative thing the person said, Or the friend of yours that comes into your house after you've renovated and says, Oh my God, Where'd you get that light fixture? I can't believe you put that light fixture in here. Everything else is beautiful, But look at that light fixture, Just pinpointing something negative. A toxic person is looking for ways to cause conflict. So somebody who takes things very personally, Who will, For instance, You go to the cash register and there's a missing tag and rather than accept that you're going to be there a little while because you picked up a piece of merchandise and you didn't notice that there was a tag missing, Which is going to stop the flow of momentum in your purchasing, The purchasing process. And it's going to take a little while for this cashier to figure out how much this item is. Somebody who is toxic and is struggling to emotionally regulate and who needs to work on some patience and understanding and even self-compassion for the anxiety that this is causing is going to take it out on the cashier who is going to be unrealistically demanding. Somebody who at work makes, Who is picks on you for the slightest of things, Who will comment about what you're wearing at work. Somebody who accuses you, Uses religion against you. Well, What would Jesus do? Well, That's not a very Christian thing to do. This is a sign of toxicity. People who are throwing shade your way unnecessarily. People who comment about everything that you say. People who talk about you behind your back. People who are jealous and are envious and who struggle with other people succeeding. And so that is a sign that you're dealing with a toxic person. Somebody who, When you leave them, You feel worse, Right? You feel down. Somebody who, When they call you, Your first instinct is to delete or not answer the phone. Somebody that you tend to avoid, You don't know why, But you're like, Oh my God, This person's calling me. That person, That person is a drain on your energy and it's important to recognize that. The second sign is that people who are toxic view themselves as victims. So they reject your attempts to suggest that they try new things that might actually improve their life. And so there's this sense of, I don't want to be accountable and how dare you suggest that I should be accountable. So think about somebody who got a DUI and you suggest that maybe they go into recovery. They will reject your suggestion that they get sober. They will say, Well, I don't have a drinking problem. They will attack you for suggesting that they do. Or think about the person who is complaining about not being able to make their rent, But you know that they just bought themselves the pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. And you say, Well, You just bought yourself a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. No, No, No, No. This person wants to feel like a victim. They want your sympathy. They may even want you to pay their rent. And so any, You know, Attempt by you to say, Well, Maybe you should tighten up your spending is going to be rejected. They're going to become angry and they're going to attack you. So this is a sign that you're dealing with a toxic person. Toxic people, Number three, Also tend to live in a state of paranoia. And so there are people who don't trust what you say. You know, They, They say things like, Oh, I know why you said that, Or I know why you did that. Or, You know, There's this big conspiracy issue that people are out to get them. And so unfortunately, It's very sad. They're not very calm. And this comes from trauma. This comes from not being able to trust people. This comes from having caretakers who were inconsistent in their love, Their love, That their love was conditional. This comes from never being able to satisfy parental love, Perfectionism, You know, The fear that you can't trust your mother or your father or your sister or your brother to have your back. It comes from the experience of having family members who are in fact, Untrustworthy, Narcissistic families that gaslight one another, Where there's a lack of boundaries and a lack of respect can cause children, Adult children to end up living with a sense of paranoia, That the world is not safe. Unfortunately, This person in a relationship with you, You will not be able to satisfy them. And regardless of how good your intentions are, They will never be able to trust you completely. And that's a really unfortunate thing, Because you can love someone wholeheartedly and see the good in them. But if they're struggling with not being able to trust you or trust the world or trust themselves, And with good reason, Unfortunately, The relationship will be toxic. And until that person deals with their feelings of paranoia, Their feelings of mistrust, Their inability to trust people, And essentially their wounds, The relationship will unfortunately be toxic. Number four is psychological abuse. So psychological abuse, We can, You know, We can understand it as gaslighting, As triangulation, As smear campaigning, As criticism, As the silent treatment, As cold indifference, As being aloof, Being unable to finish finish a conversation or resolve a conversation. Psychological abuse is being married to someone or in a relationship with someone where issues do not get spoken about, They refuse to talk about them. And so or if you when you start to talk about them, It ends up being a crazy making conversation, It ends up being why are you talking about this, You're such a negative person, I can't believe you keep bringing this up, What's wrong with you. And so psychological abuse is masked with this idea that you're wrong and that you're crazy, There's something wrong with you because you can't get past this. Well, You know, We can't get past it because we haven't resolved it. But when you're dealing with someone who is toxic, And they use psychological abuse, You will be the reason that you are upset, It won't be a we, It won't be something that your partner did, There will be no resolution. So psychological abuse is you can tie it to the inability to resolve conflicts. And so there's criticism, Like I said, Manipulation, There's the silent treatment and psychological abuse, You'll know that you're experiencing psychological abuse when you're feeling depressed inside your relationship, At least that's a sign when you're experiencing anxiety, You know, Over talking to this person or relating to this person, You walk around on eggshells, They put you down, They blame you for their issues, They ignore you, They make everything your fault. So this is all psychological abuse. And until the person is able to acknowledge that in fact that they are they use psychological abuse tactics on you that they manipulate language against you, Unless this person is able to acknowledge that, Unfortunately, The relationship will remain in a state of toxicity. So number five is the pathological liar. So the pathological liar, It needs to stay in in a state of control. So it's pathological lying is about dominance. And interesting, They've done research to that suggests that people with narcissistic traits or high narcissistic traits, They actually feel calm and less anxious when they lie and more anxious when they don't lie. And so this is lying actually soothes them. So that's really important to pay attention to, Because if you're living with someone who is a pathological liar, Then you're in a toxic relationship, Because you're not going to be able to resolve conflicts, You're not going to be able to develop trust, You're not going to be able to feel like you and this person share a common reality, Which is toxic, When you're in a relationship with someone, You have to have a common ground, You have to feel like you're on the same planet. And so when you're dealing with pathological liar, They're actually comfortable in relationships in which they lie. And so they're not attuned to nor do they desire being on the same planet with you. It's not on their radar, They don't care to they enjoy living in this state of ambiguity, They, You know, Anonymity, Where you never really know who they are, They might not know who they are. So they lie for no reason, Or sometimes they lie for a reason, They want you to believe in their grandiose self, They have an agenda, They have a reason for pulling you in, Maybe you have something that they want, Maybe you're a stable person, Maybe you have friends of influence, Maybe you have a home, You know, Maybe they want to move to another country, And they need you to get them there, Whatever it is, There is an agenda. And so this causes you to doubt your reality. And so if you're somebody who's in a relationship, And you're doubting your reality, You're full of self doubt, You're nervous, You're anxious, You don't trust how you think or how you feel, And you're in a state of confusion. If you are using alcohol or smoking weed as a way to alleviate your anxiety after speaking to someone that you're in a relationship with that causes you this anxiety, Because you can't find the common ground. This is a sign that you're in a toxic relationship with a toxic person. So number six is this idea that they isolate you. So toxic people look to keep you away from other people. They don't want you speaking to your mother or your father or your sister or your brother or two friends who might say, Hey, Yo, What's up with your partner? Like, I haven't seen you in a while, Right. And so a toxic person is looking to dominate and control you. In most cases, They are using psychological abuse that they are paranoid, They are worried about what your family is saying to you about them, They do view themselves as a victim. So they do live in fear that you will leave them or that you will hurt them, Or that you will figure them out, They are going to cause conflict in your life. And from the outside, Someone who is not emotionally enmeshed is going to be able to pick up on that. And so no, A toxic person is not going to want you to be around your friends or your family. So they will look to isolate you, They will go through your cell phone, They will demand your Facebook password, They will stalk your Instagram, They will comment on people's posts that have liked your posts, You post a selfie, And they accuse you of looking for someone else's attention. And then they use that as justification to isolate you from other people. And so these are the warning signs that you are dealing with a toxic person and that you might be in a toxic relationship. My hope is that this session has allowed you to consider whether or not you are in a toxic relationship, And whether or not you have ever treated someone unfairly, Or if any of your unresolved wounds have ever eeked out or bled out into your relationships. And if that is the case, This is not a need for shame. This is a moment of self-awareness. This is a moment of humility. This is a moment of rebirth. When you see something in your cell that you don't like, It is only then that you can change your life and improve the quality of your life. Without knowing what's wrong, You can never fix it. So if you've experienced an awakening during this session, That's a wonderful thing, Dear one. Congratulations, Because you have just raised your level of self-awareness. And in that space, You're much closer to the field of potential, Which allows you to create the reality that you desire. Don't be afraid of figuring out what's wrong. Don't be afraid to look within. And if you are afraid, Look anyway. Whatever is on the other side of whatever your wounds are is love. You have come from love, You are love, And remember that you are enough. And our journey home is a journey towards love and a return to the self. Namaste, Everybody. Thank you for being here. Until next time.
4.8 (514)
Gerard
May 2, 2025
This is amazing ….. not only in helping me see when other people are toxic to be but much more importantly how I can be toxic to other people . In going through the “Six signs “, it’s easy to see those others are guilty of and those I am guilty of .
Helene
April 17, 2025
Lots of food for thought. I’ll need to listen to this a few times, so many facets. Trying to navigate a 3 decade long toxic relationship which definitely brings my darker side forward. I have to continue to accept that my spouse will always lie, will always put his needs and friends first, will always be highly anxious and loud, will deal with issues aggressively, will use profanities from first thing, will never ask anyone about themselves unless prompted and yet can talk for hours about himself and his work, will never plan anything as a couple, and will not get help either individually or as a couple. There are some positive qualities and though I possibly should have put these first I have to face that this is the reality of our marriage and at this point accept that it can’t change because he does not see the issues as valid. Thank you. I’m going to listen again. Be well. Helene
Vanessa
April 24, 2024
I really appreciate this very quickly and clearly helpful dialogue. It was very kindly insightful. I feel like I see myself on both sides and I’m excited to do the work. Thank you
Rapha
October 12, 2023
Thank you very much, Lisa! 🙏🏼
Kathie
August 26, 2023
Very good. Now what? Which one of in my relationship is the toxic one?
M
July 16, 2023
Absolutely 👍🏻 amazing and eye opening! Thanks 🙏🏻
David
April 3, 2023
Not sure if you’re in a toxic relationship? Sink in and listen to this little nugget, and you know. And since we all can exhibit certain toxic behaviors with different people, you may be able to recognize certain of your behaviors that are contributing to that particular relationship. Being conscious of these type of behaviors, whether someone else’s or your own is the first step toward healing.🙏🏼🤍
Gretelg2
January 1, 2023
Thank you so much for sharing 🙏💜
Robin
December 27, 2022
Your talks are always insightful. Ever since I listened to your meditation of “You are enough,” I’ve been listening to more and more of your talks. It’s insightful as I’ve recognized I have certainly been guilty of some of the toxic traits you’ve mentioned, as well as my ex partner. I feel shameful as well even though I knew better. Is it possible for our partners to bring out our toxicity? Is it possible also to work on the toxicity while being together? Or is that something one has to do wholeheartedly alone? Thank you for your thoughts! 💙🙏🏽
Kristine
December 5, 2022
Thank you for communicating this. Very helpful.
Keith
May 3, 2022
Thank you for this information, was very helpful. I wanted to know if I was in a toxic relationship and these pointers clarified a great deal. Thanks for sharing. 😄🙏🏻
Irina
April 30, 2022
Good
Belinda
January 21, 2022
Really informative and useful examples. So much to learn.
Tanya
January 14, 2022
This is very insightful. I did match a couple of these traits once upon a time due to my lack of trust and fear of being abandoned. But I've grown a lot since that point, I would like to think, and because of that, I was able to notice these things, admit to them, and change them. My spouse, on the other hand matches pretty much every single one of these and absolutely refuses to admit to any of it...which is why we are now separated. And even though it breaks my heart, I know it's what's best for me.
Priya
September 30, 2021
Good one Thank you 💜
Kell
May 25, 2021
Excellent VERY factual and insightful
Rahul
May 4, 2021
I think I was able to understand that my father matches all 6 signs (or at least 5) which was very scary for me because now I acknowledge that he is toxic. Thank you for this podcast!
Jordan
March 22, 2021
I really needed this this morning. Thank you for a wonderful talk...it affirmed to me that I should take it as a blessing that I cut out a toxic relationship in my life recently. Everything affirmed that this individual was in deed a toxic part of my life. And it is extremely sad because I know it comes from a place of fear, hurt, and insecurity. But the toxicity stems from themselves...and I do not need to accept it or allow it to cause me anxiety and sadness in my own life ...i will never being able to satisfy their deep rooted state of paranoia. Nor should I have the guilt of that. So thank you for helping me to see what I previously did not want to admit 🤗 💗
Dasun
February 11, 2021
Helped me reassure I'm in fact in a toxic relationship.
💚Delilah💚
November 21, 2020
You’re describing s1 close to me. I’m not crazy. It’s hard to hear it articulated from an outside perspective. Anxiety washes over me. Why can’t I love and forgive her enough to want to stop fighting the world!! After all the years of sacrifice, I have to set boundaries and let her go. I don’t have the resources to rescue her. I need to concede. And continue to pray for the best🙏🏻 I need to begin to love myself first.
