What Happens When You Stop Playing The Narcissists Mind Game

17:24

17:24

What Happens When You Stop Playing The Narcissists Mind Game

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You don't know you are playing a mind game with a narcissist until you awaken to what is really going on, which can be a terrifying experience. When you do awaken, and you realize you have been manipulated, and you begin to step away, you can expect a narcissist to respond in particular ways. In this episode, Lisa A. Romano the Breakthrough Life Coach, breaks it all down.

Mind Games Codependency Emotional Manipulation Boundaries Relationships Resilience Emotional Manipulation Awareness Relationship Dynamics Emotional Resilience

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast. My name is Lisa A. Romano. I am a life coach, Bestselling author, YouTube vlogger, Meditation teacher, And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse. I am a believer in the power of an organized mind. My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life. May your heart feel blessed, Your mind feel expanded, And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast. So today, We're going to be talking about what happens when you stop playing the narcissist's mind games. So when it comes to narcissists, We're talking about people who have a need to dominate and control. These are people who are fractured. These are people who are very thin skinned. They're very insecure. They're very critical of other people. They tend to be jealous. They tend to be paranoid. They tend to project the things a narcissist has yet to figure out how to resolve within themselves. They project these traits onto other people. So if a narcissist is cheating or is flirting or is contemplating an affair, They will project those ideas onto you and accuse you of exactly what they're guilty of. If a narcissist has anxiety, If a narcissist is paranoid, If a narcissist is insecure, If a narcissist is looking for attention, These are all things that a narcissist will accuse you of having or experiencing. When it comes to narcissism, I think we really have to be careful because we have to recognize that narcissism is something that is pervasive. We're not talking about people who have had one bad day or a few bad days. We're talking about people who are this way all the time. We're talking about people who can't keep it together. We're talking about people who conflict follows them wherever they go. So we're not talking about your best friend who had a breakup and she's feeling really insecure and she lashes out at you because you ask her a question about the breakup and she's having a bad moment. She's feeling all sorts of emotional. But we're not talking about the mom who is really, Really stressed out, Who's going through a really tough time at work, Who's got sick kids at home and is doing the best that she can to keep the kids at home and to teach them while they're at home under lockdown and she has a bad day. That's not narcissism, Although it might be a narcissistic moment, A self-absorbed moment. It's not what one would consider narcissistic personality disorder. So please let's keep in mind that narcissism exists on a spectrum. However, I do believe there's tremendous value in understanding narcissistic traits for a number of reasons. We can get to avoid narcissists in our relationships when we understand the patterns and when things become really clear and we understand what a narcissist is and how they operate and how they lure you in and how they idealize you, Once you see the pattern, Then you're able to avoid it in the future, Which is really important. And also it helps us to be more aware of our own narcissistic traits. And so many of us are not aware of narcissistic traits. And so you can't fix the hole in the wall that you can't see. So becoming aware of narcissistic traits in general, I feel is very helpful in or on someone's personal development journey. So when we refuse to play a mind game, What we're saying to someone who is highly insecure, Who is extremely fragile, I don't care. That is like the worst thing that you can say to a narcissist is, I don't care. A narcissist needs you to care. A narcissist needs you to be emotional. A narcissist needs you to stay on the hook. They need you to be angry. They need you to fall apart. They need you to need them. And so when you say, I don't care, It is what it is. It triggers a narcissistic, A narcissist, Narcissistic injury. Narcissists fear humiliation. They cannot stand to lose and you are a prize. And it's really important that we realize that narcissists are after any type of supply. It could be positive supply where you're stroking their ego, Or it could be negative supply where you're falling apart and you're begging them to come back to you, Or you're trying to get them to recognize what they did wrong to you, Which so many of us get caught in that trap where we recognize that the relationship is really struggling and we try to tell our partners what we think that they're doing wrong. That is narcissistic supply to a narcissist, Especially if you're someone who stays in a toxic, Unfulfilling, Abusive, Neglectful relationship. So a narcissist will idealize a mistress, For instance, And then treat his wife terribly. And it goes the same way with women. A narcissist will, A narcissistic female will find someone to have an affair with and then she can begin treating her partner very, Very poorly and in her head, Rationalizing, Justifying why she has a right to have an affair. So we're recognizing that these people are very fragile. They don't play by the rules. They need to dominate. They need to stay in control. They project and they need to play these mind games. So if you're dealing with someone who's having an affair, They're playing mind games with the person that they're having an affair with just as much as they are playing mind games with you. So it's like the narcissist has 10 plates in the air and it's their job to keep them all afloat, Right? Because that's narcissistic supply and they actually can feel good about being able to get away with so much. So what happens when you say, No more, No bueno, Dear one, I'm not playing your mind game anymore. The first thing that might happen is the narcissist may actually become the person that you've always wanted them to be. There's a lot of future promises that never happen. The narcissist, If they really think that you're serious this time, You might start to see a little bit of a change in them, But the change is temporary. If you're like me, You saw this over and over and over and over. And each time you think the next time is going to be the last time or this time would be the last time. And you never think there's going to be basically a next time. You think this is, They finally heard you this time. And because you see the person changing, You think, Wow, This is great. So you start to let go, You start to relax and you start to get excited about the potential. But if you are very, Very objective and aware, You'll notice that these changes are very short lived. The next thing that might happen is they might start to Hoover you. You go no contact and the next thing you know, You're being stalked on Facebook. The person showing up at the delicatest and that you work at the person sending flowers to the office, They're Hoovering you back in and that's because they hate to lose. The narcissist will Hoover you in even if they don't want to be in a relationship with you, Even if they don't love you or like you all that much. It's about not being the one that was left. The narcissist will Hoover you in just so they could break up with you, Just so that they could abandon you. And so this is something that happens when you stop playing their mind games. Another thing that might happen is they can become very, Very angry that you're not permitting them to control you. So you'll have someone who could be narcissistic within the relationship and seem kind of docile, But the telltale sign when you ask this person to change or when you go as far as ending the relationship, This person can become rageful and vindictive. And it's almost like they turned into someone you don't know. So when you stop playing the mind game, When you stop acquiescing, When you stop subjugating yourself, The narcissist can become very, Very angry. The next thing that you'll notice is that a narcissist can also become verbally abusive. Again, You could be dealing with someone in your relationship that never used curse words and then all of a sudden as the relationship is coming to an end and you're not playing the mind game anymore, The person becomes verbally abusive. Now why would a narcissist become verbally abusive? Because it's their way to exert dominance, Power, And control. It's their way of saying, I think nothing about you. I have no respect for you. So if you think about a pedestal, This is the way a narcissist climbs back on the pedestal so that they can, At least in their head, Can feel like they're better than you. And in their head, They're putting you down. So this is all to benefit their ego and to help them regulate their emotions after you not playing the mind game anymore. They'll jockey for any sense of control in any way, Shape, Or form. So let's say you work with a narcissist and you've been mild-mannered and you've been acquiescing and not making a big deal and you haven't been making a lot of waves in the office and you're just kind of getting along with this person. Then it gets to a point where you discover that the narcissist has gone as far as to lie about a project that you're working on and you just can't take it anymore. Like now it's personal. Now the narcissist is doing something absolutely directly to you. And you say, I'm not playing this game anymore. So you don't laugh at their jokes anymore. You don't bring them the coffee they expect you to bring them on Friday. You don't look them in the eye anymore. You pay them no mind at all. When people are asking for a donation around the time of their birthday, You say, No, I'm good. I'm good. Not contributing to that this year. And your name doesn't go on that card. Narcissist is going to be triggered. Well narcissists will do because they're sensing that you are no longer willing to participate in the game. You're not subjugating yourself. You're not acquiescing. You're not walking around on eggshells. You can expect a narcissist to jockey for power in other ways. So if this is an office experience, Then the narcissist is going to find other ways to control you. They might create a false report on you. They might take things out of your desk. So they start to ante up the game that they're playing with you as a way to exert dominance and control over you. And so if you're in a relationship and you decide no more, I'm not playing these games anymore, Then you could have a narcissist begin to play games with your money. A narcissist can hide your credit cards or a narcissist could run up your credit cards or a narcissist could take your car without asking. There are going to be ways in which someone who has high narcissistic traits is going to jockey for control again. Another thing that will happen is they will blackmail you. If there is anything that you've shared with a narcissist that you know is a vulnerable spot for you, There is a potential that the narcissist will blackmail you. Now they may or may never, They may or may not follow through with their threats, But it's important that people recognize that this is a potential. And what you want to do is you want to get out ahead of it. You want to know that this is a potential. You don't want it to freak you out. You want to recognize this as blackmail as what it is. It's emotional harassment. Someone is intentionally trying to hurt you and you have a right to go to the authorities if you feel like you need to, To say, This is what's going on. When people are blackmailed, They often feel completely powerless. And it's like the shame that is going to be exposed as a result of this big secret can be debilitating. And I say, Get out ahead of it. It is unacceptable. And the shame should fall at the feet of the person who's trying to blackmail you. So try to remember not to take on that shame. Try to remember not to give in to bullying. When you stop playing the mind games of a narcissist, You can also expect a potential smear campaign. This is something that is so terribly painful because narcissists rationalize and they justify and they're very convincing. If you've ever known a narcissist, They are completely convicted in what they're saying. They really do think that other people are less than them. They do not see themselves as the predator. They don't see themselves as the person creating the chaos. They don't see themselves as the narcissist, Which is really scary. They can't see themselves. There's no ability to acknowledge, Wow, This is what I'm doing. I'm being vindictive. I'm being mean. I'm trying to hurt someone. If they're trying to hurt someone, They feel completely justified. And so when they bump into someone, They have this whole big story about why they're hurting their ex-girlfriend or why they're hurting their ex-boyfriend or their husband or their ex-wife. It makes complete sense to them. And people who aren't aware of what's really going on, They're only getting one side of the story, They might fall for it. They might believe them. Narcissists are very, Very good at convincing other people that they are the victim. And what's really scary is that they may even believe that they are the victim. So a smear campaign is what a narcissist will do to really, Really hurt you. There will be lies being told about you. The truth will be distorted. Your reputation will be tainted. And the narcissist in your life actually gets a sense of power and control, Especially if the narcissist feels like you don't want them near you anymore. Like you've pushed them out of your circle. This will trigger their abandonment wound. This will trigger their narcissistic injury. It will make them feel less than, They will feel humiliated. My suggestion in this situation is to give it as little attention as you possibly can. Absolutely remove these people from, Or this person from your reality. Give it no mind whatsoever, No energy. It's sort of like a Tasmanian devil. You just leave the Tasmanian devil to itself and it will eventually implode. So don't give it any of your energy. That's what they want. So if they can't hurt you by what they're saying and you recognize where this is coming from, A fragile ego, Feeling pushed out or feeling discarded if you break up with them, For instance, And you recognize this is where it's coming from, Then you also understand that any attention you give them is a source of narcissistic supply. So starve those Tasmanian devils dear one. The next thing that will happen is they may even threaten you. If you've ever been threatened by someone who is a narcissist, It can be really, Really frightening because you just don't know what length they're going to go to. They can threaten to take your children to another country. They'll threaten to take you to court for bogus charges. They'll call the police on you. They'll make things up. And this can be really, Really frightening and even paralyzing. So it's important that you recognize what type of a person that you're dealing with. You want to make sure in every situation, If you're dealing with someone who has the potential to be violent, That you play it safe. I don't suggest poking a narcissist with violent tendencies in the eye at all. You need an exit strategy. You need a support system. You need to get out ahead of this. You need to save some money so you have money in case you need to go. You need to have a plan and you need to know who and what you're dealing with. In most cases, Narcissists are people who are very fragile and who are just looking to dominate you because they feel like you rejected them when you stopped playing their mind games, When you stopped giving in. But there are those potential situations that can turn violent. In those situations, You must do everything that you can to protect yourself and to make sure that you're making wise decisions about your exit strategy for sure. So I hope that this session around what happens or what you can expect to see happen, One time you stop playing mind games has been beneficial. I hope you've gained some insight into why narcissists are so angry when you stop playing the mind game. I hope that you understand why a narcissist will want to hoover you in, Even if they're not interested in the relationship, Why it would be necessary for them to try to get you back and why in some cases, If you've ever gone back and forth in a relationship with a narcissist, Why a narcissist who goes through trouble of hoovering you back in eventually breaks up with you or discards you right after that. Understand that in all cases, In all things narcissists, They need to jockey for the position of power and dominance. Namaste, Dear ones. Until next time.