Why Narcissists Hoover And Idealize You

Welcome to the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa a Romano.

I am a life coach best-selling author YouTube vlogger meditation teacher and expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse I am a believer in the power of an organized mind My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness Rather than living a reactive life May your heart feel blessed your mind feel expanded and your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here At the breakdown to breakthrough podcast now what's really going on when a narcissist begins to text you again?

Sends you a birthday card hits you up on Facebook.

What's really going on when they're hoovering you They are low on energy.

Their battery is running low Maybe they had a fallout with a current source of narcissistic supply maybe the source of narcissistic supply they have is Just not as fulfilling and as exciting as they need it to be in order to feel Okay within their own skin and so when a narcissist is reaching out to you again What you will notice is they begin to re idealize you so,

You know all those times They told you that you were a flake that there was something wrong with you,

You know all those times They told you that you were nothing without them You know all those times where they told you that you were crazy That you were jealous that everything was in your mind.

You were just too much.

You were just too much You know all those times that they called you a liar and they threatened you with different ideas about yourself Remember when they accused you of cheating when you didn't remember all those times.

Well Those comments or those beliefs are now softened So now what the narcissist has to do then is re idealize you so when they re enter your reality You will hear things like well,

You might not hear the narcissist say it they may never reveal it But what's happening in their head in order for them to want you back and gain you back They must re idealize you in their head.

So they idealized you when you first met them.

They needed to Devalue you they discarded you because they grew bored or You were just not as an intense source of narcissistic supply as you want you were when you first met them And so now they've devalued you which they devalue you because you must be less than them There must be something wrong with you and that's why you don't want them anymore Or that's why they're bored with you see that allows them to keep their grandiose perception of self intact It's not them.

It's you there's something wrong with you.

So they they value you and then they discard you it makes it like okay We're done like I loved her.

You see I was wrong about her.

She really was untrustworthy Blah blah blah blah blah,

So it makes sense.

So the narcissist avoids feeling a narcissistic injury that it was them No,

It has to be you but an interesting thing happens when a narcissist starts poking around again they must Rationalize the devaluing that they did of you.

They have to make it okay in their head that they're contacting you again They must re idealize you that's why what you'll hear is after someone devalues you Well,

Why do you want to talk to me?

You said that I was garbage Why do you want to talk to me?

You said that unless I put you first unless I kicked my kids out of the house that I was of no use to you What you told me that I had no loyalty to you Because I didn't want to kick the kids out of the house Like why are you contacting me again?

If you thought that I was a hoochie mama like you called me all sorts of terrible names Like why why are you calling me back again?

So a narcissist might say listen,

We were going through a bad time.

I know that you didn't mean those things I know that you're really a good girl.

I know that you're really a good person You know what?

I'm willing to forget all of it because it was probably a bad time,

You know Let's let bygones be bygones.

So this is the way they're softening Their devalue it their devaluing of you or the beliefs they held about you when they were in the process of devaluing you Which is backwards rationalization or rationalizing why you're now no good because they have to keep up their grandiose perception of self because it's so fragile and so now when they start hoovering you back in you will you need to know that Anybody that says horrendous things about you anyone that had such little respect for you Anyone that cheated on you anyone that tried to make you feel really bad about yourself That is them.

That is the internal torture if you will of someone who has narcissism They are so unable to maintain object constancy That they flip-flop constantly and it's a cycle and if you observe these cycles long enough they're actually predictable and It's a tortured experience because if you're someone who is has such a high conflict personality You're never going to experience the love the contentment the connection and the authenticity That is humanly possible with another human being you can't because your grandiose sense of self is so Fragile that you use people in ways that you may or may not even be aware of you drain People you hurt people you are aggressive you can become violent highly agitated you Justify your agitation you justify the verbal abuse that you you put upon other people And then when people naturally begin to shut down and move away from you You are there in the devaluing stage saying oh,

It's them,

But the loneliness is still there you've never connected with another human being and This is really the torture of someone who is highly narcissistic They're stuck in that cycle the problem is there's like subconscious cyclones They're like subconscious vacuums,

And they'll suck you in and then they'll kick you out You know you have an in and in setting and then you have an out setting when it comes to a narcissist think about a vacuum You can suck in and then if you want to expel you You flip another switch,

And you kick out.

This is the constant cycle of a narcissist the it's very sad But it's up to a narcissist to go into therapy and to work with a trained therapist psychologist psychiatrist who has the patient Patients to deal with someone who will in turn devalue the therapist So a therapist has to be strong enough to deal with the devaluation of the therapist a therapist has to be aware enough What's of what's going on,

But over time perhaps?

Someone who is able to recognize that this is the cycle that they're in you know maybe they can change But I think for the people who are caught up in these cyclones if you yourself are not highly narcissistic You must become aware of these relationship cycles so that you can avoid them number one in the future But number two also acknowledge.

What's going on when you are caught up in these cycles you take Naturally what this person this high conflict person is saying about you if you're someone who is Healthy you care about what this person is feeling you want to help them not feel this way anymore You want to feel close to this person if someone you love is in pain you want to understand the pain That's part of a partnership Helping your partner through something,

But if you don't recognize the cycles of someone who is highly narcissistic You can become lost in that cyclone You may never get kicked out of that cyclone.

You can stay a part of this person's narcissistic need for supply you can move from position to position You might be their first source of narcissistic supply at one part of the relationship cycle Move down to a second source of narcissistic supply third and then when you know the first source of narcissistic supply Falls down and you move back up to the first source of narcissistic supply So this and this can happen through the relationship cycle of a narcissist And if you are not careful you can stay in this cycle You don't recognize what's going on and that's what is really really damaging to someone who isn't aware so learning to become aware of these cycles so that you can avoid them is very important and Also becoming aware of the cycle will allow you to heal from the consequences of being in a relationship With someone who is highly narcissistic Someone who is very very troubled someone who is unaware They are unaware and someone who uses people like their pawn pieces on a chessboard So that's the benefit of educating yourself around narcissism So what we want to make sure of is that when we are being hoovered back in you?

Understand what's happening inside the mind of someone who is highly narcissistic They idealized you because they needed to for them the idealization of you was their first source of narcissistic Supply,

I'm gonna go talk to let's say Serena Williams because Serena Williams is very well known I'm gonna go hit up Serena Williams.

I'm gonna be her best friend.

She's amazing you see it's not about Serena Williams It's about she's amazing and therefore.

I'm amazing because I'm hanging out with Serena Williams You see that's the first source of narcissistic supply So you start hanging out with Serena Williams you're a narcissist you start hanging out with Serena Williams your love bombing Serena Williams And for a while it goes along really well you and Serena Williams and meeting up for coffee She's giving you a couple tennis lessons I don't know and suddenly Serena Williams can't make a lunch date now the grandiose narcissist collapses into a vulnerable Narcissist oh this idealized person doesn't want me.

Where is my value?

Oh,

I have no value What does a narcissist do to scramble to maintain?

Their emotional regularity which is based on a false narrative with a false self Serena Williams is no good.

I was wrong about her.

She used me.

This is what a narcissist will Rationalize during during a situation like this where Serena Williams Which could be anybody just represents themselves as an ordinary person.

I made a lunch date with you I'm sorry.

I'm not able to make the lunch date a healthy person would say that's okay a healthy person Isn't interested in Serena Williams because she's a tennis star a healthy person is interested in Serena Williams Because they have like interests because you see value in her as a person Let's say but a narcissist not so much so let's say the narcissist quickly then Moves another source of narcissistic supply in he goes he hits up or she hits up an old friend that they dropped six Months ago.

Hey,

How you doing?

Happy birthday Starts to re idealize the person that they moved into position number three the person if they're not careful will fall for What's going on with the narcissist might return the text?

Hey,

I haven't heard from you in a while missing missing all the signs of hoovering not recognizing You're being pulled in again dear one.

Did you forget the way this friend spoke to you?

Did you forget the way this this ex-boyfriend spoke to you?

Did you forget the way this ex-girlfriend ended this relationship cheating on you calling you every name in the book calling you worthless?

Did you forget did you forget that this friend stole money from you and then told you you were crazy?

Ah,

Ah I'm all for forgiving but not so much for forgetting so I can forgive someone Because we're all human I get it and every relationship I know is meant to teach me something about life and about myself and about boundaries and really about honoring myself and Letting go letting go of what I cannot control Letting go of what no longer serves me literally walking up a ladder of sorts to consciousness Oh,

I'm a little bit wiser today after that experience,

You know,

You fooled me once you're not gonna fool me twice Well,

You fooled me twice,

But you're not gonna fool me a third time twice is a pattern And so I can forgive and I can let go because that makes my heart space feel open It doesn't weigh me down when I forgive.

I don't want to hold on to toxicity.

I don't want to hold on to resentment I don't want to hold on to blame because to me it's like if I hold on to blame It's like I've got a heavy rock in my back pocket and I just want to fly and in terms of law of attraction In terms of vibration,

It's just weighing me down and I don't want the resistance and I don't want to be Any more of a magnet for toxic relationships.

So Emotions are toxic.

So Resentment frustration and anger and blame and all of that and shame those are toxic emotions And so I don't want to hold on to them so I'm on I am very very cognizant of forgiving but that doesn't mean I forget and So if I start to get hoovered back in oh,

No,

I say slide the candy bar over to the left