Covert Narcissistic Signs You Are Dealing with a Master Manipulator

25:55

25:55

Covert Narcissistic Signs You Are Dealing with a Master Manipulator

by Lisa A. Romano

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4.9

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talks

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Meditation

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Covert narcissistic abuse is the most difficult type of emotional abuse to recognize. Covert narcissists are not grandiose and are master manipulators. Healing from covert abuse is a long process so knowing what to look out for can help you avoid unnecessary trauma and drama in relationships. Know the signs before a covert narcissist pulls you into the narcissistic abuse cycle.

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Transcript

Today we're going to be talking about covert narcissism and some of the signs that you need to look out for in the dating world and in the business world and just in you know in the world in general because covert narcissism is it can be seductive it is very sneaky and I think it is far more destructive than overt narcissism. Overt narcissism is something that we can we're pretty much we can spot fairly quickly people who are boastful grandiose lack empathy for others feel entitled to exploit others emotionally sexually intellectually you know they're the bullies in the workplace who cozy up to the boss or the manager and who make it difficult for you to complete projects they are people in relationships who will cheat that will lie that will lie about cheating who gaslight you who smear your name who love bomb you pull you in but once you get some idea of what you're dealing with you can pretty much see oh my gosh I was involved with an overt narcissist all the signs were there but the oxytocin was flowing the love bombing the trauma bonding and you were told so often how wonderful they were and how silly you were that you eventually learn to believe them but the signs are pretty easy to see but when you're dealing with a covert narcissist this is an entirely different thing and I want to just talk about some of the things that we need to look out for it when we're dealing with a covert narcissist so covert narcissists very interesting they can appear to be timid fragile and even shy they can appear to be even loving on the surface and want to help help and when you first meet them they don't seem like they're intimidating you aren't afraid you what you don't feel overwhelmed by them because like I said they can appear fragile and insecure even and what will happen is they'll make you feel seen they'll make you feel seen they'll make you feel important they mirror your emotions back to you and you are captured by this person who is really a wolf in sheep's clothing you think you're dealing with the sheep but you're really not and they'll tell you about you know their troubled childhoods or they'll tell you about how this person victimized them and this person victimized them and at the same time they're helping you feel seen and then when you start to share your story about maybe a childhood story and your agenda is not to manipulate this person it's just completely to share you don't realize that what's happening is a covert operation to gain your trust and to help you believe that the person that you're dealing with is actually a sheep the agenda is far from wanting to meet you where you are wanting to be your life partner in the sense of being a true partner which means we reciprocate that we are there for each other emotionally that there is no one-upping there is no shaming or blaming I love you and you love me and I'm gonna support you when you're down you're gonna support me when I'm down and I'm gonna champion you when you're you know just so you can stay up and I'm and you're gonna do the same for me I'm gonna have healthy boundaries I'm gonna take care of myself and not make you responsible for how I feel and vice versa when you first meet a covert narcissist that's what you think that you're getting right so you think that you're getting someone who can be your partner and because they're not in intimidating you're not turned off right you might be looking for someone who is grandiose and overly sexual and who thinks that you know whatever they do is awesome and you're on the lookout for that but you might not be on the lookout for the covert narcissist and when they show up in your life and they appear to be so fragile and and so tender you can really be knocked for a loop and you can stay in this type of relationship for a lifetime and never even realize that you were being abused so covert narcissism is about one upping covert narcissism is about somebody who believes that they are more important than you but it's it's done in a very covert way covert narcissist they crave admiration they crave being the center of attention but again everything's done in a very covert way you can have a covert narcissist in your life who lies who creates storylines about what happened to them in their life you can you can bump into someone who is always trying to trying to get other people to feel sorry for them but what will happen is in their telling of their story it is about capturing an audience and making them feel sorry for them but the same time they're they're webbing this lie of oh but I'm okay you know and I feel sorry for the people that are really trying to persecute me and you know oh my husband cheated on me and you know it's because you know he had an affair and he just lost interest in the marriage and yet the truth is the covert narcissist may have actually been cheating on her husband but that's not the story she'll tell she'll take a little bit of a truth and she'll expand on it so that in the spinning of this tail she comes out on top and if you're dealing with the covert narcissist and you're paying attention what you'll notice is that is a pattern that they will try to suck you in and even though they're guilty of what they might be telling people is happening in their life with their spouse or their sister their mother even though they're guilty of it they'll hide that truth and so oh yeah you know we're getting a divorce and I caught my husband cheating on me but the real truth is that she cheated on him but she'll never tell you that and you know I feel sorry for him and the husband may not have even cheated on her it's a it's just to spin the tail that I'm getting divorced and this is why I caught him cheating right and so the people at the workplace her family her friends are all feeling sorry for her but the tail being spun is one of superiority in other words she is actually the victim and she is superior to her victim but when you're dealing with the covert narcissist you don't see this right away because on the surface they seem compliant on the surface they're playing your emotions against you they're masters at attuning themselves to what other other people's emotions so if you're somebody who is sensitive to cheating they'll tell you a story about cheating where they come out on top but they're the victim and they won't tell you the whole truth right so covert narcissists also tend to be more introverted right the overt narcissist is not easy and the overt narcissist it's easy to identify right they can be arrogant and you know insensitive to other people but with the covert narcissist they're actually more prone to depression right and they are much more likely to seem timid and fragile I think that's really important for people to walk away from and understand that not when you're dealing with a covert narcissist you're dealing with someone who is prone to depression who is more introverted who it seems to be more compliant and their abuse of other people is not obvious to spot where you don't see it right away they'll they're telling you how generous they are but they're never they're never committing financially they're telling you how good they are to you but you don't feel good they tell you how wonderful they are but they can't hold down a job they tell you how smart they are but you know they can't hold down a job they tell you how much people love them but they have no friends and if you're not looking for these inconsistencies in the way they're showing up you won't look you won't you won't find them so you have to be looking for them the overt narcissist will actually demand that other people pay attention to them whereas with the covert narcissist they get upset when you don't listen to them they get upset they'll stonewall you if they feel like you've lost interest in the conversation they will punish you if you don't if you don't give them a hundred percent of your attention you will notice that they get very irritable when they're in a room full of people and people aren't paying attention to them or if people call them out on over talking covert narcissists are masters at over talking people about hijacking conversations and in my humble opinion I think what this is this is all about them needing to spin together a narrative that puts them in a light whereas they're a victim but they're also superior to other people and as long as they're in the center of the conversation and they're controlling the flow of conversation they're getting a feel for how other people are receiving them when someone steps up and says you know oh well excuse me but you're over talking me the covert narcissist might say oh okay no problem but their partner is gonna hear it on the way home their partner is going to hear the rage and the outcry because someone dared to ask them to stop over talking them thing that you'll look for in when you're looking for a covert narcissist and the way they relate to people is they definitely have a fragile sense of self they're always trying to boost their level of importance even if they're lying even if they're lying they'll tell you that their boss is going to give them a promotion fly them all around the world and that money's coming soon it never pans out when you're dealing with the covert narcissist they are all smoke and mirrors and because you love them and because they've done such a good job at convincing you how wonderful they are and how important they are and also how fragile they are it's very difficult for you to call them out on their nonsense right so this is something to look for what you look for is this idea that what they say is coming down the pike never ever manifests the other thing that you'll notice is that covert narcissists are wonderful at blaming and shaming people so where you'll see within an overt narcissist they come right out and they say you're ridiculous and there's this just that you know you're stupid right with a covert narcissist they're a lot more tactful I once observed this happen right in front of me and I couldn't say anything because it was it wasn't my relationship but this couple had gotten into some financial trouble and she failed to mention that one of the ways that they got into trouble was because they use credit cards to fund a trip that her parents had taken now this was kept out of the conversation and what the female wanted to discuss was her husband had purchased an item and so she tried to make everyone everyone in the conversation believe that their financial troubles were all about this one item that her husband had purchased never mentioned that the credit card bill had been rung up rung up because she insisted that they fly her her family in and pay for family's expenses never she never ever brought that to the table and so it looked like at the moment that it was all the husband's fault that he was neglectful and the husband was just shaking his head bobbing his head like yep that's what happened like it's all my fault so what a covert narcissist will do will play the victim and even even though they are the one creating the havoc the strife and the financial worry in the family even though they are not pulling in any money even though they are the reason that you have lost friendships and you don't see your family anymore even though they will find ways to make you think that it's because of you so they pretend to be a victim of your behavior so they pretend to be your victim like this is all because of you so they're always blame shifting so when you try to hold them accountable somehow they'll say things like what are you talking about you know that's not true you know that this is what we agreed on and you never agreed on any of that and so with the with the covert narcissist you'll notice that they never take accountability for what they've said or what they've done and they have absolutely no remorse for the actions that they bring to the relationship and below the veil of consciousness you will not know that what you're dealing with is is a master manipulator another thing to look out for is if you are genuinely confused in your relationship there's a reason when you're in the right relationship you're not confused you don't walk around dazed you don't feel like the world is a crazy place you don't question your reality so another earmark of covert narcissism is their need to make you think that they are more wiser than you that their perception is more acute than your perception and they do this by gaslighting you they do this by maintaining power over you intellectually emotionally and spiritually by getting you to second-guess yourself so you say wait wait you said that when we were gonna go there you were gonna do this and they come back with no I never said that you're making that up that never happened how could you I would never say something like that that's not the kind of person I am I don't want you to think that about me how could you think that about me right you know that they said this thing and when you call them out on it what they do is because they have to maintain power over you and I believe that they enjoy keeping their victim confused I believe it I think that's one of the ways they feel powerful in the relationship look what I'm able to do you know she thought that she was correct and look I was able to daze confuse her you know over talk over talk her gaslight her get her to feel confused and look she shut up look she's sleeping look the conversation is over look she'll never ask me about that phone number again you'll notice that in conversations with a covert narcissist the conversation will always look back loop back to them there is a sense of disregard for your opinion your opinion will never be validated and if it if it is validated it's it's halfheartedly validated and what will happen is the next day everything will go back to normal especially when you're coming out of the narcissistic abuse cycle and you start calling a covert narcissist out on their lies on their projection on their denial on their twisting of words on their distorted reality when you start calling them out on it what you'll notice is they might be agreeable in moments which is this intermittent validation will which will keep a highly empathic codependent partner stuck and it's so important that somebody who has who's suffering from codependency and who's highly emotional highly sensitive to the needs of others that you rise above the emotions that you're experiencing and look for the patterns because you will notice a consistent pattern of disregarding your opinion and devaluing you especially when you are not in agreement with the covert narcissist there is absolutely no regard for the fact that you have spent money on the relationship that you pay for the mortgage that you pay for all the expenses they will twist tails and make them sound make them some sound make themselves sound so valuable to you in your relationship they will make promises of taking care of you it will never come through I've heard stories of from my clients where covert narcissists were promising their spouse that oh you know when I get this job you're gonna be able to stay home and you're not gonna have to work right the covert narcissists can't hold down any job in some cases because they burn bridges because they are so grandiose because they are so really so at the core very insecure it's important that you know if you're somebody who has certain characteristics like if you're an empath if you're a codependent if you're a caretaker if you're somebody who is self-sacrificing if you're somebody who puts other people's needs before your own needs if you tend to be a peacekeeper if you tend to worry more about other people than you do yourself then it's really important that you recognize that you might be a target for narcissistic abuse and I just think it's just ridiculous that you can come from an abusive background as a you know as a child grow up to be somebody who has some codependency issues who has some self-esteem issues but who just wants to be loved right and who is suffering from abandonment or attachment or you're somebody who is just naturally a giving person who naturally believes in other people who is highly empathic highly sensitive and sees the best in other people you know you may not understand that you are a target for narcissistic abuse and I think that's why it's so important to talk about the symptoms of covert narcissism to understand the idea that a covert narcissist is not going to appear grandiose overtly but if you spend enough time with them what you'll hear is that there is this this language of superiority that they do feel and want you to believe that they are superior to you intellectually emotionally they are wiser than you that you should always trust their opinion right and there it's it's like an infection it's like a germ that that infects your brain and before you know it you're just like so detached from yourself and if you're not someone who is regular who's used to checking in with this self right you might not even know that in terms of where you are emotionally is extremely toxic so narcissists covert narcissists use trauma bonding and it's it's in a condition that occurs through intermittent validation or reinforcement so intermittent validation is is conditioning so if you listen to me I will praise you if you don't listen to me I take that praise away if you value me in front of your friends and family and you don't call me out on my nonsense then I will praise you and I will validate you if you call me out on my lies if you call me out on the fact that what I say is gonna happen never happens then I'm going to stonewall you I'm going to yell at you I'm going to abandon you I'm going to threaten you with divorce so it's this idea you don't even realize you're being conditioned to behave like Pavlov's dog it's like Pavlovian conditioning Stockholm syndrome is what happens when we are reduced to a childlike state where we are we have positive feelings about the person who is abusing abusing us right and we've become emotionally dependent upon this abuser and we don't even realize that the relationship we're in is abusive so it's important that we understand as far as like trauma bonding and leaving a covert narcissist it's this intermittent validation an intermittent reinforcement mixed with Stockholm syndrome type dynamic where we're being abused but we are we have become reduced to thinking and feeling like a child in most cases and we are now being obedient to this abuser who has manipulated us from beginning to end so if you recognize any of these symptoms in yourself where you are could be a target for a covert narcissist it's very important that you take this information very very seriously because our relationships with other people especially our romantic relationships have the ability to affect us mentally emotionally psychologically physically financially spiritually you name it we can become so drained and so confused and so far removed from the self that we are literally dying slowly each and every day so if you recognize that you are this type of a person you are a target for narcissistic abuse it's so important that you know that this is not your fault that you have been groomed that's not your fault and that your kindness has been exploited it's very important that you see yourself as a victim and understand that wow I was victimized that's going to help you identify your eye and give you a healthy sense of self to begin protecting this self well I was abused yes once you know that you were abused and once you know that you were a victim you develop a sense of urgency to protect the self right now there's some meat on the bone I have to protect me me me me me me me me me me the covert narcissist was all about them them them them then you didn't exist so now when you say wow this person abused me now you actually exist right you can work from there so forgive yourself it's also time that it's also important you understand that narcissistic relationships take time to like switch the power so you go from being completely powerless to the powerful being in your life it's going to take time for you to switch this power where this other person realized and identifies wait a minute I'm no longer your lap dog right things have changed so don't expect that this relationship is going to change overnight it's not going to change overnight it's important that you understand how to reduce contact with this person as much as you can one of the techniques I use is shutty shutty some people refer to the gray rock method and so shutty shutty to me means I do not answer questions that I absolutely do not have to answer and in most cases when you're dealing with a covert narcissist they're just they're just they're just gunfire right like rapid-fire firing questions just to engage you because they're trying to get trying to figure out they're trying to take your emotional temperature and so I've noticed that if I just don't answer the questions I shut the shutty or I leave I just leave I go away then there's then I'm the chances of me being abused are much slimmer so the gray rock method refers to closing yourself off to the narcissist you don't answer their phone calls you stick to yourself you go out and you reconnect with your friends and if you have to speak to them you just talk about bare minimum just facts narcissists hate facts they hate when you follow their logic because their logic is always changing I suggest that you reduce your time with a narcissist as much as possible you know the other thing that we have to consider is that we cannot allow what happened with this person to keep us from trusting ourselves the one of the biggest things that my clients have to overcome when I'm coaching them is this distrust in themselves how could I have gone through this I'm a doctor I'm a lawyer you know I'm a nurse you know like you know I'm a business professional or you know I'm just a kind person like how could this have happened to me so this this this trust and this anxiety develops in them so it's very very important that you understand that that trust needs to be rebuilt in yourself slowly the last thing I want to say before we end this podcast is if you think about this relationship more objectively if you go back in time and you think about how the relationship started think about make a timeline of all your gut instincts make a timeline of all the times you thought I think he's lying to me or oh I don't like that he said that or oh I don't like that she said that or oh I just caught her lying to her friend or uh you know she said that by this time she was gonna have a job or he said that we were gonna go to this event and there's always an excuse there's always an excuse and this is how they keep you in a tizzy make a timeline of how often this has happened and when and then make a timeline of how you felt when this happened and you'll be shocked at how right your gut instinct was and slowly if you do this if you learn to observe the patterns then you'll see you were always right but because you were manipulated by a very professional tactful emotional manipulator they were able to exploit your emotions so the goal is to become aware of how this happened and to be can't become aware of your need to love the self set healthy boundaries and hold people accountable and to also hold yourself accountable when you feel something say something when you feel something honor that something don't ignore that something and if you do that over and over and over then you'll realize that you are you have divine wisdom you just were tuned into more into the narcissist than the self and at the last time you spend around this narcissist the greater your chances are of recovering from this narcissistic abuse and the greater your chances are of loving yourself and attracting a healthy love in the future so thank you for listening until next time bye for now

4.9 (359)

Recent Reviews

H

Hayley

March 22, 2023

Your load cast just validated my experiences within my last relationship & for this I’m grateful. Thank you so much for educating the world on abusing human behaviors.

D

Dianne

May 26, 2022

So informative Emma another great talk by Lisa Romano. I bookmarked it.

K

Keith

May 10, 2022

Wow! That opened my eyes! Thank you for the insights..I never realised how much this applies to my situation now….this hit home and empowers me…blessings to you for sharing.😄🙏🏻

M

Mitzi

December 12, 2021

Very true.

J

Jennifer

November 1, 2021

Very informative .

F

Frank

October 13, 2021

Dear Lisa, thank you for your words ❤️ it really made me reflect upon myself and believe I have some covert narcissistic sides that need to be addressed and has found a therapist to help me through. Could you recommend any insight or guides on how to work on freeing oneself from narcissistic sides? 🤞 Thank you 🙏

T

Therese

October 13, 2021

Your talks are so helpful for me on my self healing journey, after 5 years in a living nightmare. Thank you so much ❤

A

Anya

June 2, 2021

You validated my feelings and exact experiences, I question my reality a lot, so this was so helpful. Thank you.

A

Alice

May 31, 2021

Wow! Really good info- i realized even my accountant is a narcissist- listening to this podcast gives me the tools and info to take back my power

S

Smitha

September 27, 2020

Very useful, thank you!

A

Angie

August 24, 2020

Thank you for this.

I

Ian

August 2, 2020

I think this happened to me, I'm still not sure, some things resonate but then I think there are things I could have done better, and been better. It's so confusing

B

Bob

July 5, 2020

Very insightful. Wish you had told me this several relationships and 3 jobs ago.:) It would seem that I am the perfect host for a Narcissist .

M

Megan

June 27, 2020

So powerful, thank you!

S

Suzanne

June 20, 2020

This one is my favorite of them all. It covers everything you need to know: what to do, how you feel... Trust your instincts! Thank you!

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Tom

June 11, 2020

This was a real eye opener for me and something to be attuned to. It helped me think about some relationships with some added perspective

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PROVO

June 9, 2020

VERY informative. I was not aware of the two tyoes of narcissistic behavior.

E

Emma

June 6, 2020

Insightful. Comforting also. Thank you for your work xxx

K

Kate

June 6, 2020

Very informative and eye-opening! Provided a more in-depth understanding of the signs of narcissism in an easy and relatable way. Thanks!

G

George

June 6, 2020

Thank you! I have been Woke!!!