If you grew up in a hostile or emotionally unsafe environment,
Especially with narcissistic parents,
You may find yourself wondering what healthy supportive relationships even look like.
You might crave connection but you struggle to trust it and you might feel drawn to safe people but not know how to let them in.
Or maybe you have always found yourself repeating the same painful dynamics.
If any of that resonates,
Then this talk is for you.
My name is Martha Curtis.
I'm a psychotherapist and coach and I specialize in recovery from narcissistic abuse.
And by the end of this talk I would like you to have a clearer sense of what supportive relationships actually look like and why they can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable at first and how you can slowly start to build and receive the kind of connection that helps you heal.
And by the end of this talk also you will hopefully feel reassured,
More trusting of your instincts and more hopeful about the relationships you can create moving forward.
Let's talk about the impact of a hostile environment on relationship wiring.
Because growing up with narcissistic and or emotionally unsafe parents often leaves deep relational imprints,
Sometimes even relational trauma.
And these are the templates you carry into adulthood.
How close you allow people to get,
How much vulnerability you feel safe with and what you expect love or care to look like.
Growing up with narcissistic parents means that love was conditional.
You may have been praised when you pleased and ignored or punished when you didn't.
And what does that teach you?
It teaches you that your value depends on performance not presence.
And affection most likely came with strings attached.
Care was often transactional or manipulative.
You might now second-guess every act of kindness wondering,
What do they want from me?
Safety will have felt temporary or unreliable.
One moment felt warm and the next cold.
So now safety can actually feel,
Well,
Boring or worse,
Suspicious.
Let me tell you why supportive relationships feel uncomfortable.
It's because supportive people might make you feel uneasy at first.
And it's not because they're doing anything wrong,
But because they're doing everything differently from what you're used to.
Because they don't punish you for expressing your needs and they don't guilt you for having boundaries.
They also don't disappear when you are vulnerable.
And because that is so unfamiliar,
Part of you might start to think,
This can't be real.
Or,
When is the other shoe going to drop?
And that's not because you're broken,
That's because your nervous system is used to a different kind of connection.
A connection based on survival.
And do you know what supportive relationships actually look and feel like?
Let's name it clearly,
Because some of you might have never been shown.
In a supportive relationship you feel safe to express yourself,
Even when you're not perfect,
Because let's face it,
Nobody is perfect,
It does not exist.
And you don't have to earn your worth,
Just being is enough.
You have worth,
You had worth the moment you were created.
You were born with worth.
When conflict arises,
It's addressed with care and not with punishment.
Your feelings are met with curiosity in a supportive relationship,
Not with dismissal or minimization.
And you are also allowed to have boundaries and they will be respected.
And of course this sounds all very ideal.
And not everybody is like this.
You might be in a supportive relationship and still conflict will arise,
Or difference of opinions.
But the repair is important that comes after the conflict.
So how do you actually start building healthier relationships?
Because you might be very suspicious,
You might be scared to trust,
You might even suspect that people don't want to be your friends,
They don't want to have relationships with you.
So it begins,
Like everything really,
With self-awareness.
You need to be curious when you feel drawn to familiar dynamics,
Even if they are painful.
You need to ask yourself now and then,
Different moments with different people,
Does this feel good or is it just familiar?
Because there is a con.
Sometimes when something feels familiar about another person,
We start feeling safe.
Just because it's familiar.
But maybe that thing that feels familiar is actually the familiar thing you grew up with that was not healthy.
That's the con,
That's how we can confuse ourselves.
And sometimes you might feel excited about someone.
And that excitement can actually be fear,
Because that part of our brain that's responsible for recognizing fear is the same for excitement.
And so we confuse it with fear.
We confuse excitement with fear.
And then,
Really,
Really important,
You need to build slowly with safe people.
You don't have to rush into deep vulnerability.
You don't need to share everything about yourself,
Because often it's a sign of wanting to prove that you are okay,
That you are not a threat.
You don't have to prove anything.
Let trust grow through consistency and mutual care and it takes time.
Allow friendships to develop naturally.
Relationships,
Romantic relationships need to develop naturally.
Because you also need that time to see whether this person is safe.
A lot of the time people who have grown up with narcissistic parents feel that they have to prove themselves.
They go to dates thinking,
Oh I hope they like me,
Rather than,
Oh let's see whether we get on.
You also will need to learn to receive support without earning it.
If someone offers help,
Kindness or validation,
Practice receiving it without apologizing or trying to give something in return.
Just say thank you and let that be enough.
It might be easy for you to say no if somebody wants to offer help,
Because you don't trust it,
Because you might think,
Oh there are strings attached.
And with some people that might be the case.
Just accept it and see what happens.
It takes courage,
It takes patience.
Also be curious about discomfort.
If something feels uncomfortable in a healthy relationship,
Ask yourself,
Is this discomfort because it's wrong or because it's new?
And don't expect from yourself to be able to answer this question straight away.
Just keep an open mind.
And guess what will happen slowly?
You will rewire your brain with repetition.
Because the more you experience genuine care,
The more your nervous system will learn that you are safe now,
You can trust this.
And most importantly,
You will learn that you can trust yourself.
It's very important that you know that you are not too much,
You are not too needy and you are not unlovable.
If no one ever told you before,
Let me tell you this,
You deserve connection that feels safe,
Reciprocal and kind.
And that is not weakness,
It is actually your birthright.
Yes,
Having safe relationships,
Good connections where you feel safe,
That is your birthright.
And if this talk resonated with you,
I would love if you could share with someone else who's learning to trust love again.
And if you are building healthier relationships right now,
I want you to remember that it's okay to go slow.
It's actually very,
Very important.
Give yourself a chance.
It's okay to feel unsure,
That's also very normal.
And it's more than okay to believe that support,
Care and true emotional safety are actually possible for you.
I hope to see you in my next talk.
Bye bye.
