Not everything people say about you is actually about you.
Hey there,
I'm Natalie France,
An unapologetic presence coach.
And this is a space for women who are consistently feeling weighed down by the opinions of others in society.
Today's topic of discussion is when people project onto you.
I think one of the major misconceptions about other people's opinions of you is that their opinions.
.
.
Are actually about you.
And what many people,
Many women failed to realise is that.
.
.
When someone says something about you,
It actually says more about their internal world.
Than it does about you.
And let me explain.
Sometimes.
.
.
You might do something.
That inadvertently reflects the behaviour of another.
And not that what you're doing is wrong.
You can be doing literally anything.
You could just be walking down the street looking good in your outfit,
Whatever that might be.
But for some reason,
It triggers.
The negative behaviour in another.
Now,
They could be jealous.
They could really like your outfit but know it wouldn't look good on them.
They could feel like you think you're too nice it honestly doesn't matter what it is that they're thinking because their thoughts are not your problem But their internal world,
For some reason,
Has been triggered by your presence.
And because of that,
They then react by saying something mean.
Or at least what appears to be mean and not too nice to you.
The important thing to remember is that whether it's friends,
Family or complete strangers.
Often when someone says something about you.
It's less about you and more of a reflection of what's going on inside themselves.
You're not going to know what that is.
And it's not your place to now try and decide to figure out what that is,
Especially when you're just living your life and doing your own thing.
Rather than you internalising someone else's opinions about you,
It's important to disconnect.
And my main thing is that unless you really believe something of yourself.
.
.
Never try to make a narrative fit what you're not.
Therefore,
When someone projects onto you,
And I'll come back to projection in a moment,
When someone projects onto you.
.
.
Their internal world.
Let it be.
Move on.
Get on with your life.
And if it triggers you in some way,
Then that's something that you have to deal with and you have to now.
Kind of decide why that's potentially triggered you.
It doesn't mean that you make their opinion about you true.
But if it's somewhat kind of triggered you in a way,
Then that's something that you have to deal with.
But you don't make their issue your issue.
You don't make their problem with you a problem that you have with yourself.
Now,
I said the word projection a moment ago.
It's important to.
.
.
It's important to kind of Understand.
I'm not a big fan of the word understand.
It's important to understand.
People project.
Who they are.
Onto others.
Often they're not so nice parts and this is what I mean by you've trigger spunky in them.
If there's something about them that they don't like of themselves and.
.
.
The most insignificant thing in your behaviour has triggered that in them.
They have to go and wait and deal with that.
They have to go and wait and figure out what it is.
That's kind of in their mind,
In their life.
In their existence.
That is creating those internal problems for them.
Again,
It's not something that you need to unpack,
That you need to now uncover,
Unless it has triggered you and you have to deal with your own triggers.
Because people project who they are.
And sometimes people project good things.
Don't get me wrong,
It's not always negative things that people project.
Sometimes.
.
.
There's something about you that actually inspires somebody.
They might have a goal and you could be a reflection of the goal that they want to live.
And because they're projecting that goal,
Someone that they're working towards.
They might start seeing great things in you.
Because that's where their mindset is at.
Again,
It's not for you to even take that on.
Even if somebody projects something great,
You don't have to own it.
An opinion is an opinion.
Not all opinions are bad.
But the point is here is that people project themselves onto others,
Whether that's.
.
.
Good vibes or negative vibes.
They project who they are onto other people.
And that often comes out in an opinion of somebody else.
Be respectful whether it's good or bad,
Whether you like it or hate it.
You don't have to start to become that or focus on that or make that something that now becomes a big deal in your own life.
When you look more into the negative side of things that people project onto others,
We're thinking about.
.
.
Assumptions.
Insecurities.
Perceptions.
People make a lot of assumptions about someone else's life.
And the dangerous thing there is that you don't know what's going on in someone else's head.
You don't know what's going on in someone else's existence.
And not that I.
.
.
To give so much examples of my own life experience.
You know I've had a lot of assumptions made about me over the years.
I've gone through some very dark times in my life.
And often when people want to make the most.
Extravagant assumptions about what's going on with me.
It's normally when I'm probably going through a bit of a dodgy patch in my own life and I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing.
How I'm progressing or not.
And then somebody will come along with the most random statement and you're just like.
You couldn't be so far from the truth.
Not something that I say outwardly,
Just in my mind I'm thinking.
.
.
They couldn't be so far from the truth.
I will never know.
Wear that.
That came from.
I will never ever have a clue as to where.
Assumption came from and I won't really try to internalize so much that I want to care over.
But you never know what path someone is walking.
You never know what's going on in their mind.
You never know what's going on.
In their life behind closed doors.
So when people make assumptions about you,
It's a very,
Very dangerous.
.
.
Path to walk down because How could you possibly know who someone else is or who is there?
They're trying to be in your eyes.
If you don't live their life 24 seven.
And this is why it's important for you to note.
That when someone makes an assumption about you Let them make that assumption.
Because There's something more wrong with them than there is with you for you to now have to start defending yourself about what their assumption is.
Let them assume.
Because it's more to do with them.
Whatever assumption they have,
It's more of a reflection of their life.
Probably something going on in their own mind,
In their own subconscious.
Whatever it is,
It's not your problem.
But.
.
.
Someone's assumption of you is literally that.
It's an assumption of who you are.
Insecurities is a massive one and insecurities are loud.
Sometimes the loudest person in the room is the most insecure person in the room.
I'm naturally quite a person and I,
I.
I have flaws,
I have insecurities,
I don't tend to be a loud person.
But my insecurities personally,
You know,
I keep to myself.
I deal with them when I need to.
So not everybody is loud when they're insecure,
But often the loudest person in the room in the environment is probably the most insecure person.
And even with that kind of cliche statement taken out of the context,
Insecurities are loud when they are being projected.
And again,
You could trigger something in somebody without even knowing.
You're just living your life,
Doing your thing,
Whatever it is,
And someone is triggered by your presence.
And the way in which your presence has triggered them,
It's triggered an insecurity that they have inside of them.
Now,
Unless it's somebody that's quite close to a friend or a family member,
You're not going to know that.
And even if you didn't know,
It's not important.
You don't need to know someone's insecurities because.
.
.
What are you going to do?
Are you going to start to change how you live your life to benefit others?
No,
If someone has an insecurity,
That's for them to deal with in their own time.
It's not for you to shrink yourself to make them feel better about who they are.
If people have insecurities,
They have to deal with them.
And overcome those obstacles internally.
But yes,
Insecurities do form a massive part of people's projections onto others.
And again,
It's not for you to unpack it unless it's triggering something in you.
I have always got to stress,
If you feel triggered by something,
Then you have to know why or work through the why.
But if it's just random to you,
Then you don't need to make it your issue,
Your problem.
But do know that a lot of people's projections onto you.
Of things that aren't true to you.
Generally are things that are true to them or lay closer to them than they do to you.
So there's no point in trying to.
.
.
Start having a conversation with somebody who's literally just talking what we can consider waffle.
If that waffle doesn't stick to you,
You know,
If that waffle is nothing to do with you.
Do not make it your problem because someone else's insecurities is something so.
.
.
Deep bridge within that if they can't acknowledge that they're the problem,
Then there's not much you can do about that.
There's also perception.
Now,
I've got to be honest,
I'm not even quite sure why I chose assumption and perception to talk about because there's such a thin line between the two.
An assumption is really.
.
.
Someone believing something to be true without having a knowledge to back it.
But in the perception.
Is perception is really to kind of have a sense.
That something is happening.
So whereas an assumption of you would be based on trying to fill in the gaps.
Perception is based on observation.
What they think in their present moment and hearing now.
To be fair,
The line between the two is so thin,
There isn't much difference between the two,
But some people do perceive things of others,
They do perceive.
Someone to be a certain thing or behave in a certain way you can for example you can assume that someone is quite rich and you consume their rich based on just past behaviours.
Maybe someone has a very lavish looking lifestyle.
Now,
There's many people who fake it till they make it,
But that's never here nor there.
But maybe there's something in your past behaviours that have made you come across as you have quite a lavish lifestyle.
So someone assumes that you're quite rich.
Whereas they can also perceive you to be a very rich person.
And maybe they perceive you to be rich.
By observing your behaviour in the very present moment,
They're perceiving something that you're saying or that you're doing.
You might be talking about going away.
The holiday that might be perceived as quite an expensive luxurious holiday well maybe you spend months and months and months saving for the holiday rather than just being able to pay for it outright so someone is perceiving that you are rich Again,
There's a thin line between assumption and perception.
The two are very much.
Intertwined in one another.
But whether you're rich or poor,
Doesn't really matter.
Someone can perceive you to be something that you're not.
And one thing I just said a moment ago is fake it till you make it.
A lot of people.
.
.
In society.
Will be perceived to be rich based on how they dress the the things that I have,
Maybe I have quite a flush car.
They might.
Designer clothing.
And things like that now this is an interesting example to give because often when you're perceived to be rich It's based on having things that aren't even assets.
Like a car,
Unless it's a vintage car,
A car's not an asset.
And designer clothing is most certainly not an asset either.
That's just a painful label.
But people will perceive you to be rich based on how you look.
Now there's a saying that I used to hear quite a bit back in the day is that rich people dress poor.
You can see somebody walking down the street with holes in their jumper.
And ill-fitting clothing and not know that person is rich,
Rich,
Like proper rich because you perceive them to be poor based on how they look.
So that's,
Again,
That's people.
Making opinions with others because they perceive something or they assume something.
Whatever it is in your master.
But it's not for anybody else to start concerning themselves with that because it's a projection.
Like people project what they think.
Money looks like and i'm just using money as it itself i think it's a very good example to use People project what they think money looks like and actually what money looks like.
In in superficial terms,
It's not what it is in reality.
And I think that's one of the major ones that people get wrong in terms of perceptions is because when you see somebody who looks flash and you perceive them to have a lot of money,
I'd actually go down the opposite route.
I'd actually think that somebody who looks flash is probably poorer than you realise.
But even if I had that thought about somebody,
Even if I project that kind of thought about somebody else.
That's the main problem,
That's not that problem.
I'm not poor,
But by me assuming or perceiving,
That someone who looks flash is actually less than,
You could argue that's triggering something in me to project that onto them.
And I don't often project out verbally.
Sometimes my opinions about others are just very much what I think inside,
Because one,
I'm not really that way inclined to kind of be that mean,
But two,
I don't think I'm that important that my opinion of somebody else needs to be shared with them either.
Let me just give you an example i think i'm giving you a very good example as to where people's perceptions of others go very wrong and i think the the rich lavish lifestyle.
That's perceived of others is a very big one because Just because someone is able to flash the cash doesn't mean they really have the money to be flashing.
But they do it to look a certain way.
Outward validation.
So this,
It goes on such a bigger kind of journey.
I think I mentioned validation in the previous video.
But.
What people assume.
What people perceive.
And the insecurities.
It's all about them it's all about them internally it's all about what's going on in their mind in their life in their world it's never really your problem,
They will make it your problem because they want to.
They will make you a target because they feel they can.
But how you are as an individual and how you move forward from that is what's the most important part.
The issue for you with taking on someone else's assumptions,
Insecurities,
Perceptions,
Whatever it is.
Is that you're probably going to feel misunderstood.
And that.
.
.
Where there's a major major disconnect because Someone else's problems with you.
Doesn't mean that you're being misunderstood.
Someone else's problems with you.
Is problems they have with themselves.
And I've said it many times already,
Someone else's problems with you is not a problem you now need to have with yourself.
And I've.
.
.
Definitely gone for life.
Especially when I was younger.
Feeling that I was misunderstood a lot.
Because I'm quite quiet.
I'm quite reserved.
I'm naturally that way inclined.
And I always used to feel like being quiet.
With a problem.
And some people don't like white people.
I cannot deny that.
Some people don't like white people.
But that's how I am.
That's who I am.
I don't have to change that for others.
But I used to feel like I was misunderstood a lot and I was just like,
I'm quiet.
And you'd be surprised.
By being a quiet person,
You trigger people so much.
That they want to call you every name under the sun.
I've been called.
.
.
Let me think.
I've been told that I think I'm too nice.
I've been called,
A term called stush,
It's quite a slang term,
That's what I was thinking of in my head a moment ago,
A term called stush,
Which again really just reverts to think that you're too nice.
I've been told that I'm high maintenance.
I've been told that I.
.
.
That I need to bring myself down a peg or two I mean I've never known Why would I need to bring myself down a bit or two?
Why would I need to ever bring myself down in any.
.
.
Any situation,
But a lot of people have been triggered by my quietness.
Over the years since childhood to adulthood.
And that's not something that's ever changed.
I've always been quiet.
I'm very much an introvert.
I've never been an extrovert.
I don't want to be.
And I'm only saying this to you as an example because.
.
.
Because I felt misunderstood for most of my life,
Most certainly up until my early to my 20s.
I felt misunderstood.
And not that I really have ever cared about anybody's opinions of me because I've had to learn quite quickly from a young age not to care about people's opinions.
But that doesn't mean that I didn't question.
Why?
Someone always has something to say.
And especially because I felt like I was misunderstood and I felt like because I was misunderstood or feeling that I was misunderstood.
I felt like I had to correct.
But now it's it.
Now this is something that becomes a bigger problem when you start trying to kind of fat balls that are coming at you.
And I use that as a phrase,
Like someone kind of throwing a tennis ball at you and trying to hit it away,
Throwing another tennis ball at you and trying to hit it away.
You'll be playing tennis all your life.
Because if you're always trying to correct each and every narrative that somebody has of you,
You are never going to be able to live a normal life,
Guaranteed.
You're always going to be trying to defend your honour to people who don't deserve it.
You know,
If somebody wants to think something of you,
If somebody wants to misunderstand you,
Let them.
That's their problem.
But when you start focusing on trying to correct their narrative,
That's so much energy wasted from you that you can put into other things.
Because for every opinion that you try to correct,
You are taking.
.
.
The life out of yourself that you could be putting into something that would better you.
Let them have their opinion.
Let them think what they want to think.
Let them.
.
.
Have whatever it is they want to believe about you and keep it in their corner.
Don't make it a problem for you.
If you feel misunderstood,
Then work on why you feel misunderstood.
Not with them,
With yourself.
Because again,
If you're feeling that way,
Then that's just something that you have to deal with on your own.
It's not to say that you should ignore your own feelings,
But don't make your feelings about them.
If you genuinely feel misunderstood and you think it's something that you need to unpack and deal with,
On it but don't start correcting narratives about you don't start correcting people's opinions about you because that is a them issue not a you issue Therefore,
The shift I want to leave you with,
What you want to be doing in the moments that these things happen,
When people have opinions of you that have got nothing to do for you at all.
Is that.
.
.
There was no point in correcting the narrative.
Of something that was never accurate in the first place.
If it's not true of you,
Leave it alone.
Let it be.
Let it be.
People who know you.
Will know you.
They'll know the true you.
They won't need to be convinced of who you are.
People who don't know you don't need to have the narrative corrected for them to try and know who you are.
They're relevant.
So.
.
.
Never waste your energy.
Looking to correct.
The narrative or something that wasn't accurate in the first place.
You don't have to defend yourself.
And not everything needs engagement with.
Sometimes walk away.
Walking away.
Is better than engagement.
You don't have to defend yourself.
Defending yourself can sometimes assume that potentially there might be a little bit of trigger there anyway.
For you that is.
Therefore.
.
.
Leave it.
Walk away and get on with your life.
Don't engage.
I want to know that.
Over explanation.
