Thanks for joining us here on Pretty Spiritual where we're attempting the unthinkable about how to navigate this messy,
Beautiful,
Imperfect life with spiritual tools,
Principles,
And our own personal stories.
So we're not experts,
We're not religious,
We're definitely silly.
We're honest,
Real,
And willing to share.
So join us as we connect,
Bond,
And grow together.
Hello sweet spiritual friendies.
Hello.
Hey guys.
Hey everyone.
Thank you so much for joining us.
I'm Lindsay Pony and as always,
I'm joined by the incredible Ella.
Hi,
I'm Ella.
And we wouldn't be complete without the amazing Annie.
Hello.
Today we are going to explore the topic of self-confidence.
So easy.
So easy and so fun.
Turns out it's here right now.
It's actually here right now.
Somehow,
Yeah.
Confidence is often described as a belief in oneself and we know our beliefs can be pretty largely skewed,
Exaggerated,
And distorted,
Dare we say off base and incorrect.
Self-confidence can go in either direction of too little or too much.
Too much confidence can come off as arrogance and cockiness.
Too little confidence and not only do you not believe in yourself,
But it's hard for others too as well.
What's your experience with self-confidence?
Are you telling yourself you're amazing and confident while falling short?
Perhaps you fall on the over-confident side,
Believing in yourself so much you overestimate your abilities only to make important judgments and decisions without the sensible degree of consideration,
Which leads to mistakes and problems.
Confidence is said to have crashed the Titanic and caused the Great Recession.
Wow.
Geez,
Yeah,
This is serious,
You guys.
Oh,
It is.
And don't worry,
I know nothing of the over-confidence.
I fall much farther on the complete and utter no-confidence side.
But it's important to address it all and see maybe have space for where our listeners might lay.
And if so,
If you're completely over-confident and amazing in that way,
Go ahead and write into us and let us know what that's like.
We want to hear from you.
We're so curious about that.
What happens when our belief in ourselves stems from childhood incapabilities,
Memories of failure,
And past experiences that no longer fit us?
Can we position ourselves in new confidence?
Is it possible to look back,
See our shortcomings,
And readjust our perspective to bring our new and true realistic sense of now and present capabilities while feeling confident and secure in that knowledge?
We think so.
We know.
Oh,
Yes.
I say yes.
I say with a confident yes indeed.
Yes.
Huh?
Yes,
We can.
Okay.
Okay.
Striking a healthy balance requires realistic self-appraisal of one's abilities.
Isn't that the hard part?
Can we look at our beliefs,
Evaluate what is truly here,
Set our sights on ideals,
And apply tools to get where we want to be?
We know it to be so.
Your self-confidence is really going to carry us today.
I have a feeling.
Usually does.
You know what?
This episode has really helped me.
I feel like I have unlocked.
Amazing.
So get ready,
Everybody.
Get ready.
We'll see if that actually happens.
I mean,
Of course it will.
It will.
It sure will.
We know it to be so.
Increase or decrease our self-confidence depending on where we are at because confidence is not an innate fixed characteristic.
It is an ability that can be honed and improved over time.
That is the great news.
The other great news,
We are going to have to work for it.
Oh yeah.
Always.
That's right.
So where to begin?
Let's see where we fall on the spectrum with some experiences of our own in under and perhaps anybody here got any overconfidence?
I'm like both at the same time.
Oh,
That's what I thought too.
Annie,
Could you be so bold as to start us off?
I would be honored.
Thanks for the topic bones.
I really appreciate it.
As I was writing this,
I was looking at definitions and the one that I really liked was just looking at the word confidence and it's a relation of trust or intimacy.
So then self-confidence is like a relation of trust or intimacy with myself.
And so I was thinking of self-confidence not in the terms of like,
I can go in any room and talk to anybody and do,
Do,
Do,
But more what is it like to believe in myself and be in an intimate relationship with myself and have it be okay.
Thinking back over that for a long time,
I got my self-confidence from alcohol and that worked so awesome.
And it was more of this confidence that I was not that internal sense of relation,
But in external confidence where I could talk to anybody.
I could try new things.
It was a very external coat of confidence that drinking gave me.
But then it stopped working.
I really worked it hard for a long time,
But then it really stopped working.
And when it did,
I was an adult who didn't really have a sense,
Like a foundation of myself.
And so this thing that I had used for confidence and for like,
I almost think of it in terms of bravery,
You know,
Like how can I just,
This extroverted part of myself,
It isn't always extroverted.
How do I put that on without this crutch that I've used for so long?
And I'm adult and this is a skill people kind of learn in their teens and growing up years.
And I had,
I just steamrolled over that with my partying.
It took some time and it's still taking time to learn how to build a sense of self-confidence in that concept of like intimacy and trust in myself and shifting away from like,
I've heard the term gutter bravado.
I didn't know that that wasn't self-confidence.
And so for a while,
When I was first starting this spiritual journey,
I would just use that.
For me,
The self-confidence and the humility are linked and I don't mean to say I have this figured out,
But I'm trying to reach for it of how can I be confident and have an intimate and trusting relationship with myself and still just accept myself as I am,
Not because someone else is giving me feedback or someone thinks I'm attractive or because someone thinks I did a great job,
But just like,
Here's the Annie that I am right now.
This has been a slow inside and outside job and it really started when I began taking responsibility for my drinking years because I had not assumed responsibility for my life for so long.
And then when I started getting some tools to just say,
Wow,
Here's my behavior.
And I don't just mean when I'm drinking,
But you know,
Just really weird behavior that I would have when I started doing my best to be honest with myself,
I started getting more of a sense of intimacy and trust with myself of like,
Oh,
It's safe in here and I'm an okay person.
Healing work has also helped.
Like I had these deep sad parts in me that were really hardwired towards self-loathing so that I needed external stuff to feel okay because inside I was not jazzed on who I was and then bringing that stuff up and out into,
I guess,
Like the spiritual sun has helped start to heal it.
Today self-confidence is believing in myself,
Trusting myself,
Practicing about being a safe person for myself and others.
It means I can take more risks.
It means I can be,
I'm willing to be disappointed.
This podcast is like an example of my new sense of self-confidence.
I trying this totally new thing with friends and just being vulnerable like that required this foundational piece inside of like,
We don't really know what we're doing or how it's going to go or how people are going to react,
But I'm willing to try with love and it's okay.
So that's my journey with self-confidence.
Love it.
So nice.
Wonderful.
Annie,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us.
I really liked the definition of the intimacy and trust of self.
I think it really gets to the core of this matter.
Moving towards validation internally,
Being nourished through validation from ourselves rather than externally fed by other people.
And I'm starting to see the connection where I thought that if I got others to love me and validate me,
Then I would like have the self-confidence.
I didn't even recognize how lacking my self-confidence was,
But people would really be like,
Oh,
I think you got it.
Or I'd say things like,
Oh,
I don't know.
I'm really dumb.
People would be like,
Like strangers.
I don't think that's true.
And I remember being like,
Oh,
Maybe I'm not dumb.
You're not dumb.
Very smart.
The part for me about this self-confidence and the piece is that what I'm searching for,
I'm searching with.
Just swimming around in the underconfidence and overconfidence at the same time,
I would be feeling like the most amazing piece of dumpster trash in the world.
Whenever I start out to do something,
I've been really listening and paying attention to my internal narration of what's happening and what's going on,
Which is very subtle.
And it's a really big piece for me to have self-awareness and do accurate self-appraisal is for me to really be with what's here and to really be listening.
So instead of it being like the sirens calling to me and I don't even notice and all of a sudden I'm on the island of complete and utter unworthiness and no confidence,
I can hear that there's this narration of you suck.
You're never going to be able to do this.
You don't know what this is right now.
And it's interesting because I started doing karate last year and I get to have these experiences.
I think it's so important to put ourselves in compromising positions where we don't know what we're doing so we can see what the learning process looks like and get to know ourselves on that type of level.
Last week at karate,
They call out the technique that you need to do and then you do the technique that is what your teacher does.
They teach you and then they call it out and then you do it.
And it's a process over time.
It's very interesting.
And so my teacher's there and he tells me that plucking the bird from the sky and inside my head says,
You don't know it.
You can't do it.
This will not happen.
And I'm like,
But I know it.
So I hear myself doing that and I tell my teacher and he starts laughing at me and he's like,
Oh,
It's so sweet to have these mentors and these teachers who really get to know us and know our capabilities.
And that's what my karate teacher says.
He says,
You're really good and you don't even know it.
You keep saying you're not.
So I love him very much.
I'm just talking about getting to hear and know what's here and what's going on inside of me and understanding the well that I'm pulling from.
If the water that I'm drinking and what I'm believing,
If my beliefs are there saying,
I can't do this.
You don't know it.
How silly that before I even go to do the technique to even do the first block or whatever it is,
My mind tells me you don't know this.
How am I going to begin?
What type of setting is that to start when it's already you don't know how to do this?
So painful and hard to look at that.
So I like to think about when we were little children,
You know,
Before we could talk,
Before we had our large brains,
We did amazing things without anyone helping us.
Really,
We learned to roll over on our own and we learned to get up and start walking every time we fell down.
We got back up maybe even with a smile.
And I want to return to that,
That confidence,
That innate self-confidence is in all of us.
It's the things that happen over time.
What we internalize,
Maybe what was said to us,
Some of the things that happened,
What we watched happen to our parents or people around us,
What they believed about themselves,
Maybe some of their best efforts or what they thought that they were saying to us to help us just cause these chinks in our armor and these folds in our being.
We've just been folded and crumpled and folded and crumpled.
And now it's time to get to know for me,
What's really here?
What's really here?
That's really feels like my deep work right now with self-confidence.
It's taken so long to see that in the middle of something,
I'm like,
Oh,
I'll never do that.
I just go fully on the spectrum.
Oh,
I won't be able to do this.
I can't do this.
That's how it starts off.
Then I start doing it.
I'm like,
Wow,
I'm doing it.
Oh,
I'm so good.
I'm definitely going to be the best by the time this is over.
I am going to be none of the Olympics.
I haven't even been training and I am for sure first place right here,
Right now.
And I've been really being able to have the space to be present without judging what's going on here.
So it's really kind of this safe,
Right?
It's this trust and this intimacy with self-worth.
It's okay that this is here.
Oh,
I see you.
Oh,
Oh,
You really think you can't do it.
Well,
Let's give it a try.
Let's give it a try.
Oh,
You think you're really great.
Well,
Let's back it up a little bit.
Let's just see if we can just do this little piece right here right now and maybe with some humility.
I'm not sure,
But I can tell that once I go all the way to the other end of the spectrum,
I'm like,
Whoa,
Calm down.
This might not be it.
So it really is an amazing textured journey here that I'm on with self-confidence and seeing what's here and having the space for that.
And thank you all so much for coming along with me.
Thanks,
Pony.
Thank you,
Pony.
Ella,
What about you?
What's self-confidence look like in your life right now?
I relate so much to what you guys were talking about with this thing that used to be like something I was trying to draw from the outside in transitioning into something that needs to come from the inside out.
Gosh,
Yeah,
I really relate to what y'all were talking about.
I like the idea of self-confidence being applied to babies learning how to walk because that's often a metaphor I use for myself spiritually.
We're going to fall down a lot.
And one of the really great things about being a baby learning to walk is that you're not that far from the ground.
So when you fall down,
You don't need to hurt yourself.
Whereas I think about the times I fell down when I was on a very flimsy self-confidence high and I was really shattered by falling down.
Yeah,
So for me,
There is this,
I don't know really where it came from or when it started,
But this pervasive feeling of I never feel like enough.
That was really tender and uncomfortable.
And I did a lot of stuff to try to cover over that or make myself feel like I belong.
The way that looks today is this very interesting desire to like adorn my outsides in a way that will protect me from pain or something.
And it's interesting.
I really don't know what it is.
I'm so curious because one of my spiritual teachers was reminding me,
She was like,
I'm really interested in this because you're not a shallow person.
And I was like,
You're right,
I'm not.
And at the same time,
This stuff is so overly important to me.
I'm like,
What is this?
It's really interesting.
So for me,
What self-confidence used to look like when it was like this fully from the outside in endeavor is I'm like dangerously underweight slash in the process of starving to death.
It's not funny.
I mean,
When I think about it,
I'm just like,
Oh my God,
Poor thing.
I'm probably wearing clothes that are like really tight to show off my skeletal figure.
I just think of when I was so depressed and really deep in substance abuse,
I wouldn't leave the house for weeks at a time.
But when I did,
It was in my tightest black dress with all my eye makeup done and curled my hair and I was dancing on a pool table and I am queen of everything that is dark and tragic.
I don't know.
But I felt really confident about that realm at least.
And so it was this really precarious tightrope I was struggling to walk on.
And when I fell,
I was a long way from the ground and I would get hurt and it would not be and by hurt,
I mean spiral into like depression and worthlessness and whatever is the extreme exact opposite of that kind of like gutter bravado.
Today it is self-confidence is a matter of coming from the inside out.
It's actually a structure that I can stand on safely because it's been based in these spiritual principles that have to do with searching my being for what my true values and intentions are and feeling really safe and like I can trust where those come from so that even when I'm quote unquote wrong,
I make a mistake or I put my foot in my mouth,
You know,
I don't have to be hurt the same way I was before.
Like I'm a terrible person.
I don't deserve to like take up space in the world.
And instead it's like,
Oh,
I can accept my challenges and flaws and whatever else with a little bit more humility and hopefully a sense of humor.
So it's like,
Oh,
That was,
Whoops,
Totally put my foot in my mouth there.
My bad.
I can really understand why that rubbed you the wrong way,
You know,
And I don't have to feel like I need to die because I made a mistake,
Which I know that sounds dramatic,
But it really,
It was how I used to feel.
For me today,
Self-confidence is really something that I'm experiencing growth around in relationships with other people.
What it's like to tell the truth about my experience in a way that's respectful and owns what belongs to me,
But also not in a way where I let other people who have perhaps an easier time with self-confidence steamroll my needs or opinions or beliefs because I feel like I don't deserve to take up space.
Just fun and lighthearted stuff all the time.
Probably was never meant to be light and airy or was it shucks?
Maybe it was.
Is that the purpose of what we're doing?
Spiritual sunshine.
What is the purpose?
I'm going to say feeling good.
Feeling good all the time is the purpose.
It's not working for me.
But maybe not feeling good in the sense of like candy.
What's that fluffy stuff?
Cotton candy.
Cotton candy.
I'm feeling good of like it's okay for me to exist.
Like a sauteed spinach perhaps.
With some bacon in it.
Whoa.
I'm going vegetarian everyone.
Wow.
Okay.
I'm disappointed,
But I'm trying to hold it in.
We support you.
I'm clearly cutting off.
I'm the reverse vegetarian.
Just so much guilt.
All right,
Everyone,
Let's go confidently in the direction of tools.
Of course,
Not too confidently.
We will definitely need to practice.
Sweet Annie,
Please guide us towards your tools.
Okey dokey.
Ladies,
This is so fun making this with you.
I have some simple tools.
This sounds lofty,
But for me acting with integrity builds my true self-confidence.
So it's similar to the things that we've all been saying,
But just behaving in a way that lines up with my brain and my heart because I have this really amazing capacity to kind of gray over stuff that I don't want to think about and then kind of be like,
I don't need to think about that and do something different,
But inside I still know that's not the thing I want to be doing or the way I want to be behaving.
And then it erodes my sense of self-confidence because I start to not have that intimacy and trust with myself because somewhere underneath me,
I'm like,
I'm not being who I want to be.
Well,
I'm not trying to the best of my ability to be this person I hope to be.
What has helped get there is slowing down and getting connected with my body.
For a long time,
I was very disconnected with my body and that sense of self,
The internal one,
It couldn't be sourced because I was just like,
There was my brain and there was my body and they existed separately together on the same vessel,
But they both had their own agendas and just like that.
Can relate.
And so meditation has been so helpful.
Even in the beginning,
The first couple of years of meditating,
I didn't even really realize how disconnected it was,
But then all these tools slowly have kind of had this confluence of coming together,
Of having somatic therapy and meditation,
Of being like,
Oh,
There was a really big disconnect between my brain and my body.
And when I spend time in my body,
Then I can know how I actually,
What makes me feel good or not good when I do certain things.
And I know I'm being vague,
But there was like,
I would get sensations in my body if I behaved a certain way,
But mentally I'd be like,
Doesn't matter,
Shut it down.
And my body's like,
Hey,
We have an opinion.
And the more that I discounted that,
That sense of self-confidence would get kind of pulled away.
So meditation tools that helped me get connected with my body,
Whether that's breathing exercises or somatic therapy or just kind of even simple tools of like checking in of,
Oh,
I just had this conversation with somebody.
How'd that make me feel?
Is my pulse going faster?
Am I a little bit cold sweats or do I feel good?
What's happening?
So just being willing to pay attention.
And then this is a really simple tool.
And for me,
It's been one of the biggest ones for self-confidence.
And I have a specific brand of self-indulgence that maybe not everybody has,
But it really is coupled with a desire to want things to be easy and feel good and to not work hard.
And in my mind,
That's what makes me feel good.
But in reality,
It actually erodes my sense of self-confidence because all that stuff kind of pulls away where I'm like,
You don't show up for yourself.
You don't show up how you could for life.
But then that part of my brain,
The pleasure part of my brain is like,
You're fine.
You like it.
This is great.
All you want to do is lay in bed all day and watch Netflix and ignore all your responsibilities.
That's what it looks like at its worst right now,
Which is really honestly not that bad.
Seriously.
We've come so far.
I know.
I'm like,
Oh no,
Me too.
It's so bad.
And I'm like,
Wow,
We've come a long way.
We are doing amazing.
From the queen of darkness to the queen of Netflix.
Thank you.
So this is my simple tool for building self-confidence.
If you have that brand of self-confidence eradication that I do,
And it is doing things that I commit to doing,
Not doing things based on my feelings.
And it sounds really simple,
But I have a very,
It's very easy for me to be like,
I'm so gentle and tender today.
I simply cannot show up and do that task in life.
And then later it makes me feel rotten.
And then that tears away at my self-confidence.
So I do the things that I commit to do and I don't make decisions based on my feelings for the day.
That's all.
That's one of my favorite tools that you taught me.
We go by our commitments today,
Not our feelings.
Just put your pants on,
Annie.
It's not a big deal.
You can get out of bed.
Or if you're not feeling like wearing pants,
You know,
A skirt.
Yeah,
A skirt is a tall order for me.
Just one simple dress,
Because then you didn't have to do- A simple moomoo.
A simple moomoo.
You didn't have to do bottoms and tops and make sure the proportions are right.
Just one thing.
When I have been in really low periods,
I've actually had this big pair of fleecy leggings that would fit over my pajama pants and then a sweater that fit over my bed sweater.
And so I could leave the house in my pajamas,
Technically wearing street clothes,
And show up for meetings I needed to go to.
And it was like,
I was really depressed.
Your pajamas were underneath the knee pad.
That is incredible.
And I could go do the things- I feel like that's the real tool here.
I'm going to- Yeah.
No,
It was life changing because I'm like,
I can still show up even though I feel so murky and mushy and small and rotten inside.
And then at the end of the day,
I go to bed with this sense of built self-confidence.
I showed up even though it was really hard.
And I didn't even have to take off clothes and put on pajamas.
You just peel off the top layer.
So smart.
Bingo.
Ready for it all.
Life.
Thank you,
Annie.
I'm going to dive in.
Yes.
Tell us,
Pony.
I really liked how we've been talking about intimacy and trust of self and how this is the well that really building our natural innate confidence that we've always had or crushing it.
The tools that I want to implement and use more.
I know we talk a lot about meditation and I feel like I want to go over it a lot because I was so resistant to it and just angry at even the thought of it.
And without this piece,
I do not think that I would have the space to be able to really listen to myself and to attempt accurate self appraisal,
To really hear what is here and have the space to hold it all or seek to something higher to help me hold it.
So thank you for bringing up meditation always.
And just a reminder that meditation can look like three minutes.
You can start where you are and just sit and see what it feels like to really be with what's here to notice even what's here.
How fast my mind races or the you know,
Whatever,
Whatever it looks like in talking about all of this,
It's recognizing that confidence is the absence of negative thoughts about ourselves.
And that just really simplifies it for me to take the negative self thoughts that I have and really question them.
Is this true right now?
Like confidence is our natural state,
And we've simply been feeding on negative thoughts.
Once we stop taking the poison,
Our natural state returns.
One could say,
I'm hopeful.
I like it.
Me too.
Can we keep a little focus on the inside and be aware of all the negative thoughts?
And that's where the meditation part comes in.
What if we considered right now that we're aware of these thoughts,
Maybe for the first time.
And once we become aware of these thoughts,
We have the choice and the option to let them go.
When I hear myself saying,
You don't know this,
Instead of just buying in and believing it and operating from the place of I don't know what I can't do this,
I can take the choice to see if that's even true.
Instead of just buying in all the way that space those moments of really getting to see like what's here and then questioning it is a really big tool for me.
Because when we are able to identify the negative thoughts,
The space opens up as a choice.
Do these negative thoughts serve me?
And what are the facts?
What is the evidence that proves I'm incapable,
Unworthy,
An imposter?
And then I like the idea of considering that we don't need to put any effort into feeling confident.
All we need to do is identify and dissolve the negative thoughts that aren't serving us anymore.
I really wanted to do this topic because I've really been feeling somewhere in the middle of just how I was explaining earlier with my experience of just being all over on the spectrum but really in a big deficit as far as self confidence goes and how much it's been hurting me just in regular everyday life whether it is being able to put forth any type of effort and I really want to have the intimacy and trust with myself.
I want to have that and so if my mind is telling me you're unable,
You're incapable,
You can't do this,
There's really a lot of mistrust that's going on with myself hearing that and then often producing and showing up and being able to do it.
I like the idea of when I hear myself saying you can't do it,
You can't do it,
I like saying I'm doing it,
I'm doing it right now and then just whatever it is attempting that little bit that's really been helping me move forward to go confidently in the direction of my dreams.
I'm just kidding.
But also not maybe.
But also not maybe.
I really loved simplifying it so much that the absence of the negative self-talk could be where my confidence really comes from and it's felt so freeing so identifying what is here being able to hold and listen to when I'm just tearing myself down and questioning that and a great way to do that of course is to do a little bit of writing.
If you're able to be able to hear it,
I carry around a little book with me.
One of the things I do is I check in with my body.
What does it feel like in my body right now?
And since I'm doing that anyways then any time that I hear a negative,
Whether it's the karate or you know at any moment,
I mean I could be driving a Miss Eternus like you're an idiot.
How could you have made such a mistake?
And it's like okay so that's there.
This is the environment.
This is where I'm coming from.
This is what's here right now.
And then asking and offering myself to be able to just soften a little bit and what would I say right now?
Oh it's totally fine.
There's a million other exits.
We'll just get right back on the road.
I can't believe how much I used to just tear myself down for missing an exit.
So painful.
Sounds exhausting.
I really love it.
No wonder.
Also a reason why I probably couldn't really do anything.
I'm so exhausted from tearing myself down all the time.
So the invitation to really just kind of see what's here and then if it's too much to hold,
If it's too hard to hold,
Writing it down just to take the power out of what's here.
Maybe you want to send it to us.
We would love to hear what your negative self talk is to yourself and sometimes that can be really freeing and then any time anyone gives me a compliment,
I make a note in my phone.
Oh that's nice.
Wait you don't immediately punish them for saying that?
No of course I did forever.
That's how it always be.
Ew gross.
No not that.
That's what I'm prone to say.
Liar.
That was the first of the journey was getting to see myself whenever someone said something nice to me,
Me just bat it away like get out of here that's definitely not true.
Fucking bird from sky.
Smooshing it in palm of hand.
It's dead.
This is never true.
And now I say oh thank you very awkwardly and then I go and make a little secret note in my phone and then I go over it because if someone is saying that to me perhaps it is true.
Pony you are so wonderful.
You're such a good friend.
I agree.
You're so smart and beautiful.
And you're a sweet ringlity pony here that's just naturally like that.
Where did that come from?
Okay all right thank you so much.
It's so nice to have people around you that can say nice things about you that are probably true.
So thank you so much everybody.
Ella?
I was just thinking about how uncomfortable it is for me to receive compliments and how funny it is that I'm like dressing in a way that I'm pulling for attention apparently you know but then when I get it I'm like and so I remember trying to say thank you and first I said I was said because it was too uncomfortable to say thank you I said a gracious person would say thank you because I was like I don't feel like that person right now and then later I was willing to say thank you but I was like too afraid to actually say it so I said it in a funny accent and I'd be like thank you.
I knew it.
I knew the one.
I know the one.
So uncomfortable but apparently that's easier and now sometimes I can say thank you.
Yeah and that was the process.
Ella you're so wonderful.
It's been a slow progression.
You're so beautiful.
I mean thank you.
I love your amazing sense of style and your big beautiful brains.
It's true.
Yeah let it in.
Something I was thinking about during this episode listening to you guys talk about your experiences is how I was so not sure who I was and I the way I knew to find the boundaries of where I was and where other people were is by bashing into things and I'm like oh okay I guess I'm here but it's this really harmful awkward kind of violent process to figure out where I began and ended.
It's really based on not having a sense of self.
It was really based on everything was coming from the outside so I had no idea what was in here.
That's why I think that self-awareness is such a big tool and you know I think that's it's a the fact that we've all mentioned meditation and self-awareness as tools that help us so much with self-confidence is not an accident you know.
So for me one of the biggest things in finding my way towards self-confidence was getting to know myself you know and one way that I did that was with meditation for sure.
Other ways that I've done that are with writing.
Sometimes I remember asking a Zen teacher that I really love and respect I asked him how do you be authentic because I was I was in love with this very attractive man who had come to this monastery I was at for the summer and I just felt like a bumbling like 12 year old when I was around him but I also had this like rich spiritual life and practice so I was like okay how do you do this.
He said something which was really great which is you learn the boundaries of authenticity by finding out what feels inauthentic and so instead of this like violent process of bashing into people it turned into this kind of like experiment of like does that feel like me you know like how did that feel and so it'd be this like process of and I wish it was like an algorithm today but it's still the same trial and error process which is wonderful and humbling and I'm ready for some kind of like robotic like could I just get like a self-confidence plug-in or like update.
That would be so nice.
It's more like the blind leading the blind.
Okay.
Just bumping around bumping around.
Yeah so it turned into this like joyful hopefully joyful experiment of getting to know who I was and finding out that I used to think I was like the worst person in the world and I'm like oh I'm not and sometimes I would think I was the best person in the world and it's like oh I'm not and that was actually really a relief.
There's something I've heard in spiritual circles that is humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself it means thinking of yourself less and when I act in a way that lines up with my values and integrity I kind of get out of my own way you know like if I'm really taking good care of myself in my life I don't have to waste my energy feeling anxious about the stuff I'm avoiding like Annie said I get to have this real solid thing to sand on which is based on how I show up and do what I say I'm gonna do how I act lovingly toward myself and others or intend to do that at all times and another part of that for me has been so meditation if this getting in your body thing feels really gross to you which it did to me at first.
The other tool that I want to suggest is because it for some people like me who don't want to be in their bodies and are more used to kind of living from their brains as a mental control tower one of the tools that helps me when I'm in that kind of place is to ask myself what my values and intentions are to really search deep within myself for at the heart of everything what are my values and intentions and one bonus of this exercise is that I also get to see what we sometimes call underbelly motives or intentions which is actually really great because then I get to own those two it's not like I'm bad for having mixed feelings about something it's like oh that's there too you know like I'm fully human that's part of it and then I actually get this sense of relief and freedom when you know if somebody is like calling me out on it it's like you're right that's totally part of it and all of this stuff is here and it's all allowed to be here.
When I can come back to my highest intentions and values which are love and service and connection I feel really free and really confident and confident in a way that is kind of not about me confident in a way that is true confidence in the principles by which I'm living rather than who I think I'm supposed to be that is something I can really belong to and so instead of you know needing to like bolster myself up to feel okay about who I am it's this really solid thing I get to stand on which is I belong here I'm allowed to take up space I'm allowed to have needs and advocate for them I'm allowed to tell people the truth even when it makes things uncomfortable instead of what I thought would happen if I did that which I don't know it's like the world like exploding and then like collapsing in on itself instead what happens is I feel even a greater sense of belonging and trust and integrity not always all the time especially when I'm first starting out doing that but eventually it feels so safe it just makes me feel like I'm so I'm so held and I can trust this life and this process and myself even if I'm not right even if I put my foot in my mouth even if whatever the end yay thank you so much thanks ladies well beloved friends we are confident we've covered self-confidence well enough for now for today there's always more to uncover and discover about ourselves we want to hear from you guys what's going on also want to say we had a gentle email confusion and so if you emailed us in the past months and then didn't hear back from us it's because we did email you back but we sent it back to ourselves secretly so we didn't have to give all that information just know it was a technical glitch yes oh yeah so if you've emailed us recently we okay I'm leaving it over Pony very lovingly went back and sent them all again and so if you were and Ella thanks ladies so if you didn't hear from so look inside whatever random inboxes you have because we did reply and we just want you to know that your emails didn't go to the void and that we love you and we want more emails send us more so thank you everybody who's reached out to us it means so much to us we love to hear about your spiritual walks and all the rest of the good stuff and our friends on the East Coast you've reached out we just are so grateful from all over from all over the planet we just love you all even if you don't reach out what a miracle to even be here yeah you're reaching out with your ears by listening I like it it's so great so find us on all the social needs so yeah pretty spiritual podcast you can go specifically to our website www.
Prettyspiritualpodcast.
Com we would so love it if you would rate and review us on Apple podcasts it would help us so much we know a lot of people listen to insight timer and that means the world to us and we just would like to reach more people so if you're inclined and it's fun and easy please do maybe if you're into such things we are very excited to talk about what is happening next week well I'm so excited next week we're going to talk we're gonna shift the self-confidence conversation into a kind of group confidence conversation when we talk about spiritual friendships spiritual friendies it's a real thing you guys it's so tune in to find out can't wait we love you love you bye
