So we're in the new year and as much as I would like to resist the trend of talking about New Year's resolutions and making the next year as awesome as possible and then ironically even making fun of New Year's resolution people is kind of trite and its own trend in a way.
You know,
It's hard not to have goals and every year I have some sort of goal or intention or I would not necessarily resolution but you know something of that sort.
But this year was different,
This past year was different in that unlike in previous years where maybe I set like these huge unrealistic goals in a law of attraction style or honestly would have a certain intention of like oh this would be great this year and then I would forget about it and put no effort into it.
This year and partly because I was in a men's group where we did this as an exercise together,
This year I had pretty big but seemingly realistic goals and realistic because I had a clear strategy,
I picked clear rational strategies and if I may be perfectly honest and humble I was pretty disappointed at my results.
It seemed like there was this misalignment between my efforts which I put a lot of effort out and I put in a lot of hard work this year and my results.
Honestly a little over a month ago in November I got kind of like bummed out about I got a bit depressed I was like what what was it and in the last six weeks or so I've been really pondering this and meditating on it through the holidays of what was the deal with my mismatch of hard work and and seemingly rational strategies and the results I got and I was actually chatting with my my good friend Mishka,
Former client he's been on the podcast a bunch,
About this idea of the match of hard work and the results you get.
Obviously hard work is a good thing I'm not I'm not going to conclude in this episode that you shouldn't work hard and if anything if I can also humbly admit about myself as as much as hard work is an important ethic I think in myself and I think this maybe relates to a lot of men and I know this resonates with a lot of the men I'm coaching right now because we talk about this kind of stuff that there there are many men who have overcome the hump of getting over their discomforts and then putting in the effort and going David Goggins like I'm gonna crush the day take souls and all that and I definitely have that ethic.
In some ways I think it's driven by a deeper wound of we can call it martyrdom and I'm going to get more into that my my own anecdotes and how this applies to I think many men out there but I was actually just trying to understand like what was the deal with my last year and my efforts not lining up with my results so much and I was speaking my buddy Mishka and it was interesting I mean he and I talk about our goals and our lives a lot but he actually met me many years ago when I was in kind of an opposite opposite situation where not that I was lazy but at that time I my main focus was completing my book which I put out recently and so as far as the two you can say the tangible things that are universal desires of men money and women I had a huge abundance in both with very minimal effort because I was so focused on my book which wasn't paying me I didn't put it out for many years later I put very minimal effort into generating income and very minimal effort into meeting women and things just seem to work for me right I'll share some anecdotes in that but you know one way to look at it is I had very high leverage on my minimal efforts another way to look at it which is in the realm of spirituality and you know I'm saying this with with caveats and many grains of salt because I don't want to promote a totally unprovable narrative but I do have some anecdotes that I'm going to share today of things just seem to happen for me and it wasn't just in money with money and women although those are the most objective tangible outcomes I had and you could even expand that into opportunities and connection it wasn't like you know just about the the base desires but I was getting a lot like a lot of things would just happen for me in a way that I felt very lucky and blessed in quotes and the the best quality I could say and this came out in my conversation with Mishka is like there's something about me back then that was in quotes magnetic like there's something where I would do things and they kind of just seem to flow it was kind of like the the law of attraction spiritual adage you may have heard before maybe with eye rolling or not that my desires were attracted to me as much as I was attracted to them like there was this hard to explain quality although with my meditations and pondering over the last six months or six weeks I should say I've been trying to see like was there something because it's hard for me to believe that it was just luck because if I look at the period that period of my life but also other small pockets of my life where meaningful coincidences happen for me or simply when I set an intention or had a desire and I worked towards it it would kind of just happen with with minimal hiccups or you know we can say in a more rational way I had very high leverage on my my efforts the results would come in a big way there were certain qualities I had that I would say weren't just dumb luck like there was something I was doing that maybe wasn't so externally visible but essentially these last six weeks I've been trying to recreate like was there a formula to magnetism was there something I was doing or something that people do because that you know I was chatting with friends like Mishka and other friends of mine who are introspective in this way like is there some theme of inner qualities you can say or you know not so observable qualities that leads to this magnetism and I want to say magnetism in quotes like I again I'm going to be applying some we can say spiritual ways of looking at reality you know you could you look at it as like kind of a personal magnetism like I do think I was particularly charismatic in in these periods of life but then there's perhaps some unseen magnetism of like you know things just happen for me and I'll share some anecdotes in this regard take what you will of it but I'm sharing you know I basically came up with a formula for magnetism that I believe is true and I'm using at least of the last month or so have been using as kind of guiding principles of how I do things or how I approach my intentions and goals and I'm hesitant to say like everything's changed for me now and you know now this next year is going to be amazing but I'm sharing this because I believe it to be true and I've had like small evidence that this is the right path and that there was something in fact that I was doing in these seemingly magnetic periods of life that can be recreated it wasn't just dumb luck and it wasn't just it wasn't just random coincidence because as much as hard work and strategy of course matters and I will be speaking about them and how they can be done in a positive in a useful results driving way but also in a shadow way that does maybe the opposite and sometimes there's also other factors and and one and I'll share this bit that my wife throughout in a way throughout our relationship but also throughout this year has been kind of nudging me about and honestly throughout the year especially this year because I was so focused on my plan and my strategies and and my effort I would kind of brush her off and be like oh yeah of course a woman would say that she actually had a lot of wisdom so I'm very humbly going to admit that in this episode as well and to give a more grounded framework to this idea and not go off into like total magical ungrounded thinking land I actually look to physics I mean I come from a line of physicists and even though I'm speaking about a spiritual idea I would like to ground us in a metaphor that relates to the literal physics formula for literal magnetism so gonna break that down in this episode using the formula of magnetism and how it relates to of literal magnetism and how it relates to what we could call personal magnetism let's jump in so grounding this metaphor on personal magnetism in the literal physics formula for magnetism you know I know there's a nerdy analogy but this is how my brain works in physics the formula for magnetism is magnetism equals permeability of the substance basically how magnetic a certain thing is you know iron has a greater magnetic quality than aluminum let's say the second factor is the number of coils in the electromagnet which we can liken to say the structure we can describe as a structure of the electromagnet times current and I'll repeat this and if you want the visual for every reason the text summary of this and with the visual formulas is in the Substack article accompanying this post ruano.
Substack.
Com but conceptually it's very actually easy to draw a metaphor from this on personal magnetism from this literal magnetism formula now I'll repeat all the terms and don't don't worry about trying to remember high school physics this is just just for for us to have a clear concept and metaphor here you know these three factors that lead to the strength of magnetic fields can easily be likened to qualities that relate to personal magnetism so going in backwards order the current the electric current created by a magnetic field or that leads to magnetic fields we can very easily liken to feeling right it's a very I think fairly universal metaphoric description of when you feel a lot of sensation in your body it can feel like an electric current especially in like a sexual setting and I'll briefly give some examples of that but you could probably think of it right if you think of an amazing orgasm or you know a super electrifying in quotes kiss or even the magnetic quality of like maybe your first kiss with a certain you know partner the metaphor there is pretty obvious like there is a there is a connection between feeling sensation and the magnetic quality of a person the the second term coils I would liken to the structure or structure of one's life and here's where hard work does matter but it has to be hard work designed in a certain way or the efforts you put out in a certain way that build this the the tangible structure of your life do matter but they have to be in alignment with feeling which leads us to the third third term which in in physics would be the symbol mu or mu naught in most cases which comes down to alignment alignment with your you know in physics would be alignment of the atoms I'll flush that out a little bit later but you know in a subjective sense your alignment with who you really are alignment with your archetypes if you will or with your primal self or with your unconscious so using this metaphor I mean and in physics the symbology would be b equals mu naught times n times i magnetism equals permeability times number of coils times current these three factors can directly relate to qualities that I do believe lead to personal magnetism in the sense of you can get things to go your way whether it's through people through charm through charisma or perhaps in some unprovable way of things just start to flow towards you your desires are drawn to you as much as you are drawn to them so let's start with current because that's the easiest one to conceptualize electric current we can liken to feeling again the electricity metaphor of sensation is one a lot of people use whether you're talking about an orgasm or there's a lot of sensation in your body even unpleasant sensation right you feel shock or fear or terror it can feel like an electric an unpleasant electric current flowing through your body here's where I mean purely subjectively if you think of a charismatic person or a charming person we think of someone who feels a lot right you know someone who's apathetic who's kind of numb to the world who's kind of monotonous obviously they don't have much of a draw like such a person is never going to be magnetic someone who's really feeling their feelings you know high current or high electricity in your in their body if you will is really magnetic you watch someone on stage be a theatrical production or someone giving a public speech or presentation or even in film right good actors good speakers they feel a lot in a way that you're drawn to them you want to pay attention to them you get to feel in your own body as well and you know in physics you would say there's a high you know there's direct direct proportionality between magnetism and current and you can see this both ways between magnetism and feeling that when someone's feeling a lot it makes them magnetic right it makes people drawn to them and this can be in a positive way like they're charismatic and charming people it could also be in a negative way like they're they're you know someone's doing something chaotic and dramatic they also magnetize attention maybe not in a desirable way though and the reverse is also true when someone has a magnetic quality they make other people feel things so if you if you look i mean go into the physics metaphor think of an electromagnet if you run a lot of current through an electromagnet it becomes more magnetic if you move a magnet the stronger a magnet moves through electromagnetic coils the greater the current so like with a with a wind turbine um the the actually i don't even know if i i might be i might be killing this nerdy analogy by explaining it too much let's just go with the subjective stuff so feeling and and magnetism obviously are connected now a little anecdote because one of the times that one of the periods of my life that i think i was unconsciously magnetic in a way that actually felt very magical and i would say this was maybe the peak of my spiritual lens on reality or magical thinking was when i was in one taste i'm not gonna tell that whole story because i wrote a whole book on it orgasm in the memoir you can check it out type you know if you follow me then you know probably a little bit about my sex cult experience when i was in my early 20s but not only was i adopting a very you know magical lens on reality as i shared my book and i've shared in the podcast episodes where i mentioned that a lot of meaningful coincidence coincidences happened for me at that time i was in a setting where we can say our quote religion was to feel as much as you can in your body we did this sexual practice orgasmic meditation which trained us to feel higher and higher levels of sensation in our body using sexuality but it wasn't just a sexual application obviously it made us i would say good in bed to be able to really feel and cause others to really feel but also like in a communicative or emotional sense and from a grounded perspective i think it made such people i would say for myself and other people i knew it made us charming it made us you know because we were feeling so much in our bodies we couldn't help but be magnetic and i there's a bunch of anecdotes of i think i have of me being particularly magnetic at this time not always in a good way you know one of the things about one taste and i shared this in my book and this is kind of like the the ethical theme is that we became so charming and magnetic that we could get people to do things that probably weren't that good but i also have like kind of neutral examples of like kind of a silly benign one but one taste because they cared not for the rules of the real world they did some things like you know they neglected to pay their easy pass bill like their their toll bill on the car for a long time so there's a huge fine and they sent me to the easy path easy pass office which is kind of like a dmv setting to basically get our easy pass free instead i mean the example i mean the situation doesn't matter but basically through i just remember this so clearly i had no plan i had no idea how to do this it's like one of these situations where like you never get exceptions but i was feeling so much in my body i was like you know so charged up if you will that i somehow charmed the grumpy lady at the easy pass office to basically write an exception for us and there was a lot of examples like this this is like a neutral one of like there was a quality i had that came or and i think a lot of people had from feeling so much and actually there was a type of person i met in one taste and and i've also met in other areas of life that may self describe or some subcultures might refer to as witches in quotes like typically women who feel a lot who who are typically hypersexual very emotionally contagious really go with their feelings often a feature with that is like they're not the most rational you know and i i'm not saying this in a judgmental way but like it kind of comes with the territory like if you look at the cultural colloquialism like this is like the the hot and crazy woman right she's emotionally contagious sexual crazy you know not not really of this earth and you'd call such a woman a witch or such a woman might even call herself witchy and that she can get things to happen and i spoke about this type of woman you know i think it relates to the manic pixie dream girl archetype which i put out an episode on recently but like there's this kind of woman who she was so emotionally contagious that she could just get her way with men with people but also in a way reality it's like reality really responded to her i met a lot of these women when i was in one taste they kind of celebrated these kinds of women and they also taught women to be this way we can say like really feel your feelings really feel your sexuality and therefore evidence of this was how much you could get people to do um you know this you know we can say amoral magnetic quality but there's also kind of this magical quality to this and i and i've mentioned this with my pre-one taste drug addict girlfriend who definitely was this type of person where she was beautiful and charming and emotionally contagious and she could get men to do things because of that such as me especially in my very nice guy states many years ago but she also had this weird magical quality that she could kind of just make what she wanted to happen and specifically with drugs and this is something i've heard from a lot of my friends who went through periods period of addiction that when someone's really in addict mode and really in that high feeling state somehow they could just find drugs and i've told this these stories in other episodes so just i'll keep it brief but i would go on vacation with this girlfriend of mine and within 30 minutes she could find the drugs it never made any sense like it's like she could smell them or sense them or she just knew in a crowd of people who who was selling issues she had this sense this like hard to explain magnetic quality that when she really wanted something it was like it wanted her to like she just made this happen and in one case i met a lot of women like this where their feelings had this like very high effect on their experience one of the women i dated when i was in one taste she had this you know she was again this type of witchy woman she actually she was very spiritual she called herself a witch but she had this effect on the world somehow that when she was in a good mood all of these inexplicable good things happened to her like people would give her gifts people would shower with compliments and it didn't have to necessarily do with how she was dressed or like just good things like things would just happen for her and when she was in a bad mood these equally inexplicable bad things would happen to her like i remember one time she and i had she and i had a fight i mean we're always triggering each other because everyone in one taste was in an open relationship and constantly making each other feel bad for the purpose of quote growth which you know i hope you can pick up my sarcasm in that but i remember this one time she stormed out of our apartment she was angry jealous triggered about something and she went on the subway in new york and a random person threw garbage in her face and it was like what like like that just doesn't happen but it was like it was so it was hard to not draw the cause and effect there that she was feeling bad and somehow reality was responding to her and i share all of this as subjective evidence if you will or anecdotes on there is something to a degree that i think most of us don't commonly realize of the relationship between magnetism being you know we can say having an effect on reality or outside circumstances which includes people and how much we feel and we'll say a little bit more about this witchy type of woman in other settings in a moment but a takeaway if you will from this something that i believe is very actionable and if i look at the magnetic times of my life where i was in a positive way magnetic i think i was i was doing this perhaps not totally consciously of truly prioritizing feeling your feelings which on the one hand is kind of a personal development cliche feel your feelings surrender to your feelings open up and all that stuff or in pop psychology and healing but there really is something to this and this is even something you know if i were to summarize my super general advice to men or like my advice to men on inner game be it for dating and attracting women or within a relationship or or you know being a leader within a relationship or being a dominant man in a polarized or romantic setting it all comes down to feeling more like this is the non-formula that i've shared in other episodes on authentic flirting again dominance or leadership relationship that feeling is the key to everything to get positive results especially as a man in these settings like you know my adage is be connected be selfish which are both forms of feeling be connected like really feel the woman's feelings again applies to a flirting setting or in the bedroom or in relationship but also be selfish in the sense of feel your own feelings if you could do these two things at the same time your natural and i don't think there's any magical quality to this it's like your natural reproductive instincts will come online that will tell you exactly what to do and how to be in a way that's attractive to the woman you know pleasurable to the woman if we're talking a physical you know sexual setting and things just happen to flow a la the human mating ritual right um so how do you do this right there's there's i would say two categories of things to do one are physical we can call them embodiment practices this is a lot of the basis of my arousal control mastery program which i mentioned earlier whether it's using sexual sensation which i did a lot in one taste and i also when i studied with montauk chia um and and tantra it's all of this like can you feel higher and higher magnitudes of sexual sensation can you hold more and more arousal pleasure in your body without releasing if you're a man especially and that's kind of part of the goal if you will of of my arousal control program or you know tantric practices but then also leading up to that which are kind of a means that i also include in that program which are we might in general call embodiment practices or non-sexual embodiment you know things like tai chi and hatha yoga have always been paired with this you know hatha yoga is is also known as white tantra or it falls in the category of white tantra red tantra being like the the sexual application but by doing something like this it opens up your body you can feel more by teaching your body to relax as you say in tai chi is all about relaxation and alignment which you know you know on theme is paired up with taoist sexuality which you could say it's like the chinese the chinese form of tantra on the emotional side though and i think it very deeply pairs is that tension i mean tension whether it's in your body or in your emotions and they actually often coexist tension or resistance or what i would say purely in an emotional sense resentment reduces your feeling so on the emotional side you know and i speak about this in many episodes whether it's on creativity or on emotional well-being and relationships resentment always resentment is a contracting emotion like anytime you're blaming or resisting what is happening because you know when you're resentful or blaming or complaining you are trying to resist reality in that moment whether that includes the past or not that reduces your feeling ability to feel and if we bring this back to the you know common experiences of like a numbed out person or an apathetic person or a very not magnetic person a person who's like kind of inert and has no effect on reality or has a negative effect on reality you know resentment goes in with that right it's like someone who's super ungrateful and blaming and complaining and resentful at their partner or circumstances or their job or their lot in life they're not going to be magnetic right they are turning off they're shutting down their current they're shutting down their feeling so of course they don't have much of an effect on reality whereas if you look at the total opposite of that and you know in the law of attraction world this is you know they always talk about gratitude and even if you're not into the magical thinking side of things like we all know that gratitude is a good thing right it's good for your mental health gratitude is the total opposite you're when you're truly grateful you are taking in all of reality you're accepting everything as it is you're accepting people as they are by being able to truly appreciate your partner you are accepting her exactly you're taking her in as exactly as she is you're loving her exactly the way she is you're loving your life circumstances exactly the way it is and basically this is the dichotomy of feeling right the more you can relax and feel things as they are be it in your body or in your perceptions the more you get to feel the more you resist whether it's physical tension emotional tension resentment pushing away reality the less you feel and you could turn this into a binary and for whatever reason some people we can say this type of person feels a lot right i mean subjectively especially because i did a lot of physical practice with such women they very often you know they feel a lot sexually they feel a lot emotionally they tend to be very open to things but the negative side of that is they don't have a lot of control over it or they they feel like no like the the ex-girlfriend i mentioned who when she was in a bad mood everything bad inexplicably happened to her there is something to that and this actually leads us to our second factor in the formula would be n number of coils which i would liken to structure and hard work which i'll get into a moment but actually one more thing um so just to liken this to my my my year um i had a lot of structure i put in a lot of hard work i think on that side into that quote masculine side i really had things down not to toot my own horn but like you know i don't know it's part of my identity to put in hard work and push through discomfort and it's actually i have to give my wife credit to this i mentioned this in the intro like actually this is like a theme in my fights with both my wife in my current relationship but also my past relationships where i think i've had this ego wound like maybe this masculine ego wound of like because i have like this ethic of hard work a pattern would be i would put in a lot of effort for the sake of the other person whether it's my wife my kids in the past my ex-girlfriends and i would expect appreciation so this would be kind of like some nice guy remnant you know it's a covert contract i was doing something partly for an external result also partly because i just believe it you know i do believe hard work and being able to to push through discomfort is a true masculine ethic so it wasn't it wasn't purely a covert contract but rather than getting the appreciation i would expect or the the what's the word my male friends would be impressed my male friends most guys are impressed if they hear another guy gets up at four to take care of business right most women don't in my experience my wife would actually and i would say my ex-girlfriends also would do this thing where rather than being appreciative or impressed which you know i secretly wanted them to be impressed they would perhaps criticize me or be like well why are you doing this like and i would often get angry like don't you realize i'm suffering for your well-being too and then they secretly as a part of me like don't you want to be impressed at how hard i can work and actually recently brought this up with my wife it's kind of a joking thing where i realized i was doing this kind of covert contract seeking appreciation for her to be impressed and i kind of said something like i said something like you know i realized i said that because i secretly want you to be impressed and we both kind of laughed about it there's the two interpretations of this like one like the more kind of cynical red pill way of looking at this is women don't care so much about the cause they care about the results and i think there is some truth to this i've seen red pill guys posts about this like women don't care if you made your million yourself or you were given a million they just care if you have a million there is some truth to this from a very cynical perhaps judgmental perspective that and i would even say this when i was like really looking into romance novels to understand female psychology and i and i will put out an episode on that eventually i was surprised to see that the male love interest in a lot of romance novels are not self-made men as you would expect in a male-oriented story with a male main character he's almost always a self-made man right right men are not impressed by someone who's given a million dollars in a trust fund they're impressed by the guy who makes it himself or whatever the thing it's not always about money but for women if you look at the romance novels as kind of a lens into female and like you know we could say the darker or amoral side of female desire very often i was surprised it was you know there were literal trust fund kids it's the male love interest or he was the son of a billionaire or he was the son of a mafia boss or something like in some way he inherited power and you can say this you know if you look at this from a cold evolutionary perspective it's like well for a woman trying to you know do the best for her future children it doesn't matter where the man got his money from and in fact a guy who comes from money or a guy who comes from uh you know a great genetic stock maybe has more stability than the self-made guy so you can look at it coldly like that but from a less judgmental perspective and this was kind of an aha for me recently and has increased my appreciation and reduced my resentment in my marriage is recognizing that okay my wife is not a man she's not gonna you know really cheer on you know nose to the grindstone work the way most men inherently appreciate or respect each other but what she was paying attention to was my feeling is that i was putting in hard work in a way that i was disconnecting from my feelings i was getting up really early and grinding through my effort through my tasks but i was disconnecting from my instincts or the you know the thing that would actually lead to magnetism the thing that would actually lead to the results and i look at my last year and i was like wow she actually even though it came out and you know it came out in woman speak she didn't say it in a way that i think really landed for me in my male brain she was pointed to something very real about magnetism and i look back at these like you know more magnetic periods of my life that i was feeling a lot right and i going back to like this period that i mentioned you know seven ish years ago where money and women kind of just came to me like these random opportunities just you know everything kind of flowed to me i was in a state where i was feeling a lot i was i didn't have children at the time so i spent a lot of time by myself pondering journaling reading i was hardly on my phone at all i was in a very contemplative mood i was having sex a lot also i was also doing a lot of embodiment practices i'd wake up every day and do tai chi for 30 minutes a day or something like i was really feeling a lot i was really open to experience emotionally and i if i look back with hindsight i think this actually led to me getting much greater results on minimal effort than this past year of me disconnecting from my feelings and like stuffing them down so that i could grind through my task list anyway that's that's the end the first part i want to the second piece around structure and again talking about witches because one of the qualities of this type of super high feeling woman is that even though they're so magnetic and they can and they can create these high highs of getting exactly what they want manifesting reality my experience of such women in one taste and also in other areas of life that i'll mention in a second they tend to have chaotic lives they also manifest what they don't want or they they yeah they attract what they don't want and another an anecdote about this is actually i've never said the word anecdote so many times other than this episode anyways another area another community where i met this type of woman a lot was in the acting community i mentioned this briefly in my book like one of the things that actually helped me get out of one taste and leave that cult reality was recognizing that there were other communities that also prized vulnerability and feeling your feelings and like this seemingly magical quality that in the acting world people would call the acting bug right like people start acting and really feeling i would say in my interpretation their unconscious archetypes and finding you know these contents of their character coming out of them on stage in a way that doesn't come out of them in regular life and you know it has this enchanting feeling that you know people call the acting bug i would say like it just like it's this captivating enchanting experience of like well now i need to act all the time because i'm getting feelings i don't get in normal life and acting of course attracts a certain kind of often conventionally good-looking but also type of person that wants to feel their feelings so i met a lot of these witchy type of women these emotionally contagious women obviously being emotionally contagious makes you a good actor that's almost the definition of being a good actor i met a lot of such women in in the acting community as well and one interesting thing that i heard over and over both from experienced actresses and actors but also producers was that the most talented actors and i'd actually say specifically for women so the most talented actresses i think is more true for females in my observation those are not the ones that had careers in fact the absolute most talented most emotionally contagious we can say witchy women who got into acting many of them didn't even pursue acting because something that seemed to come with the territory of being super in your feelings was being emotionally unstable such women such people i should say when you feel a lot you typically think less that that's not always the case which i'm going to get to and about structure but very often they they think less they have less structure in their lives they're less stable they're more volatile in one case they really celebrated such kinds of women because they could be used to generate sales and manipulate people in acting they're also you know if you go into many acting programs the most the top of the class so to speak are these types of people and i actually heard this from a woman who was an actress when i met her she was in her 30s but when i met her i think she was working at a cafe or something like she had a very messy life she never got into acting she actually was one of the first people that told me this that she was one of these types or she is one of these types like you met her even even when she was like serving coffee in this setting like you met her and you're like there was some magnetic quality about her and it wasn't just her looks like she just had this ability of like she made people feel things she had this witchy quality to her but she told me like she was so talented in acting she got a full scholarship to nyu tish which which is one of the most prestigious acting programs for undergraduates in the united states at least super talented top of the class but she told me that producers in the theater world and in the film world know not to make bets on women like her because they know that someone who's that in touch with their feelings can't be counted on they might quit acting in a month even after getting like a 10 million dollar um you know film deal she might have some you know her emotions might take the get the best of her she might quit the next day and i met a lot of women like this when i in my brief stint in the acting world where i saw this happen actually i saw a friend of mine get a lead role in a feature film and then have this like emotional outburst and like get herself canned from it and and this this this woman i was speaking to said she was this type and she said that when she was in nyu she actually went to school with a lot of women who ended up having great movie careers some people that you know the average person might even recognize by name but they weren't the most talented people they were kind of talented they're usually in the middle of the class but they were emotionally grounded in a way that the most talented women or actors just didn't didn't have which brings us to this like this next part of our formula right b equals mu naught times n times i we covered i as feeling n which in the electromagnet is the number of coils it doesn't really you know don't worry about the physics analogy too much but i would i would liken this to structure the last piece of this part about my observation of witchy women the only women of this type that i have met who seem to have happy lives in their 30s and 40s and beyond some people some women might find offense to this i don't mean this in a in a judgmental way this is just my observation the only women who've had fulfilling lives uh you know past a certain age they eat they found some sort of external structure some quote masculine structure to ground them and to give them a conduit for all their feelings and this either came in the form of religion i know some women who like i met in the sex positive tantra spiritual sexuality world who definitely were these super volatile witchy hypersexual but also chaotic types i am acquainted with some who found you know conventional religion later you know they divorced from this like this wild sexuality phase they still have this emotional contagiousness they still feel their feelings but now they have this external structure to ground them or it came in the form of a man or sometimes both right um you know and again you know this obviously an anti-feminist idea but i've seen this with like this the the most lucky women i've seen i would even say have grown up with you know i'm talking over like the last 15 years of me being acquainted with a lot of women of this type the ones who are really thriving they found a man who's really in his masculine who's benevolently dominant he was happy to create structure for a life and he provides this this kind of these boundaries for her where she can still feel her feelings but it's not in a way that creates all this chaos in her life which i would liken to the structure of an electromagnet if you will because here the structure and with our analogy this is like the the number of physical coils around the electromagnet the more coils the more turns of the wire the greater the the magnitude the more you have positive structures in your life the more your feelings can be amplified in a desirable way right it gives a kind of direction if you will i'm a little bit botching or stretching our physics analogy here but i hope you get what i mean right and here's where hard work does matter to to actually build structures rather than just assume things will just work out for you and a lot of this comes down to kind of we could call it basic lifestyle design or structuring your week or structuring your your time or schedule especially for the deep feeling types especially for people who are particularly creative or inspirational or tapped into like this more intangible feeling sense of current whether it comes through inspiration or sexual drive or emotions or whatever such people really need structure you know there's a number of gentlemen i've coached this year who are of this type like uh they really have this uh they they really have this like unique uh drive within them they tend to be very creative they really i mean really need life structure in the most basic sense because when they do have that that's when they can flourish i'll say for myself because i think i'm this kind of bohemian or i in my 20s i especially was this kind of bohemian you know feel a lot kind of spiritual guy i really started to thrive when i was able to take that feeling and put put like strong rails around it when i in my case when i started getting up early and um you know having dedicated creative time for four hours a day like that's when i really felt like i developed a huge amount of progress and actually that led into this i'm talking about where i felt like at least looking back i seem to have some really magnetic quality where things worked out for me was the cause and effect directly related i don't know but i know that these structures in life matter um whether it's building business structures but also structures in your in your personal schedule i would say this is one of the huge benefits of religion or spirituality like the ritual side of religion spirituality regardless of what religion you believe in and it's actually interesting um in the last year i'm currently coaching but i also have coached a couple born again christians a muslim guy and an orthodox jewish guy and even though the religions are i mean they have some they're all from abrahamic roots right but and the but the rituals are totally different i can see this parallel in all three religions and this is probably true for all religions of like it's so bent like these structures and i'm not like pushing a certain belief agenda just having these ritualized structures especially in community is so beneficial especially for the deep feeling creative person and i would even say like this is one of even though it had a dark turn to it it's one of the benefits i got from one taste in that i was taught to feel a lot but given that it was a cult obviously you had to like kind of fall in line and even though it was used for purposes or i could say the structure or the coils of the electromagnet were designed in a way that was more beneficial to the organization and the leadership than the actual people the principle checks out right if you if you build your life around actually directing towards your meaningful goals or the way you want to live and you keep putting effort into this that's when hard work and effort really pays off when is when you're building things you're creating deliverables so to speak that serve the the energy or the feeling that you put through on the creative setting this is very easy to look at like this is kind of stephen pressfield's contribution to the creative thinking world of like if you dedicate yourself to overcoming resistance and commit to writing from 9 a.
M to 12 p.
M every single day which is actually one of the things that i implemented in my late 20s into early 30s i think contributed to a lot of my success it gives rails for your creativity to flow through and then you can you know get really amplified efforts and i'd even say for like this year it's too soon to like say this definitively but i did build a lot of structures this year especially for my business that i maybe didn't get the full results from because i had admittedly cut myself off from my feelings i was a little bit too focused on the external and not the internal but i can already see just in the last weeks that the things that i built they weren't wasted it's like i built some things that now that i'm reconnecting to my feelings and like you know taking actions that are a little bit more aligned which is actually the third part of our formula i'm already getting some some benefits that yeah in in the business setting you know more businesses come to me in the last month i should say than in the previous four or five which is just take it for what it means is it a coincidence is there something here but obviously i'm sharing it because i think there's something here which brings us to our final piece of our formula you know in the b equals mu naught times n times i we covered i feeling sensation you know the quote current that flows through you whether it's physical or creative or emotional and we just covered as the coils or the structure that you build for yourself structure around your life this final piece mu naught permeability you know in the physics in the physics formula it refers to the we can say inherent magnetic quality of the material right so iron has a much higher mu naught than aluminum which is not really magnetic but if i can go a little bit deeper into this physics this nerdy physics metaphor here and just and cover one thing so you may remember this from high school physics what makes a material makes a metal magnetic versus not and actually what makes metals be able to be magnetic whereas non-metals are not is the alignment of the electrons so if you imagine you know hunk of metal full of a hunk of iron let's say full of you know all these iron atoms each atom has an electron which is you know the substance if you can say of an electric current spinning in a certain way it's moving in a certain way and because it's moving a certain way it's generating a certain magnetic field a tiny magnetic field and in a not magnetic piece of iron so not a magnet but just like a hunk of iron the spins of all the all the atoms are in totally different directions all in random directions so the magnetic fields of each of these little atoms are basically canceling each other out they're all going they're going in every which way the difference between a non-magnetic piece of iron and an actual magnet like an iron magnet is that the iron magnet has all the spins or most of the electrons spinning in the same direction so rather than canceling each other out they amplify each other and the stronger a magnet the more electrons are spinning in the same alignment so i explain all that physics stuff to bring us to our metaphor here on personal magnetism in that when you're in alignment with all the contents we could say of your unconscious that's when you have a magnetic quality as opposed to as opposed to magnet that's out of or a piece of iron let's say that's out of alignment from where you're in a sense canceling each other out so on one sense you could look at this like if you have a lot of internal conflict if you kind of want this and kind of want that if you're experiencing ambivalence which i would say from my years of coaching men i'd say very often it just comes down to a fear of deciding that that's kind of a separate idea indecisiveness i would even say is a catabolic is a sign of catabolic brain chemistry it's like you're unwilling to make the hard thing so even your hormones or even your your neurochemicals are working against you when you're in a state of indecision there's that but i always even say on a deeper level alignment with your unconscious which we could say is being who you really are one of my friends and former clients uh patrick who's happens to be christian in our sessions and in our conversations he would often quote i don't i don't remember the biblical verse but something in romans where that that's the big message that's where that that term is is in the bible like be who you are as one of the messages to christians be who you are per the theory of archetypes or you know following your destiny if you will we are not a blank slate when we're born even stephen pressfield talks about it his books on creative writing right we are not a blank slate when we're born we are born with certain parts of us are so certain parts of our personality or who of our being are already there with us you could say it's if you want to really ground it in something tangible like the genetic lottery forms are unconscious to have certain tendencies and interests and proclivities if you will and the jungian perspective this would be it would be trying to discover what is in your unconscious and aligning with it this is what jung called individuation you're discovering the unique characteristics of your unconscious and living to it because the more you're out of alignment with your primal unconscious typically the more dysphoria you have right i mean the obvious examples would be like you choose a job that your parents want or that seems to be like a rational choice but it's really not what you're feeling inside it's really not who you are you don't feel good about it obviously whereas if you follow your passion you know passion being a sign that you're in alignment with your unconscious you feel good things from it and i would even say with this it's like when you're actually aligning your electrons if you will such that your magnetic field is greater and this is also one of my i could say macro principles to men especially around coaching them with women be it with dating or relationship or etc this is something i actually recently went over this with a recent divorcee who i'm coaching right now where we spent a lot of sessions just focusing on what is his true unique characteristics and how can we heighten them because he was going into this kind of statistical model and and if this is you listening you could probably identify yourself i won't say his name obviously but he was into this kind of statistical thinking that i think a lot of men especially rational men will go into if like you know they look at all the dating advice they look at probabilities of what makes a man attractive or not and then they try to mold themselves to that like what are the best principles what are the things that are going to increase my match rate on tinder or increase my positive experience percentage when i speak to women or get back in the dating field or what will make me likable which obviously is not it's not good inner game so to speak to look at it from the external perspective but actually and this is like my macro message to to all men as far as advice with women is like it's of course that there are some like commonalities between all men that you know or should say like there are certain maybe universal traits that are attractive to women men who are emotionally secure and are confident etc etc like the things that we all know but to be really attractive to be really magnetic you can't be a cookie cutter version like you have to be you have to discover who you are because your unique characteristics i mean this is i mean you go down the cheesy rabbit hole of just be yourself it's not quite that right it's you know be yourself is obviously you know such such blanket advice it's not very useful but really discovering who you are and amplifying who you are which makes you unique makes you individuated individuated individuated to use jung's term i'm speaking to another gentleman who's you know he doesn't have relationship problems but he feels kind of lost in life and he's had this feeling of dysphoria i would say from you know misalignment you know we were going over his life and there's not and in this guy's case there's not there was nothing wrong with this life which was interesting he just felt not good about things right he has a good career he has a nice relationship but he just didn't feel good and we we attributed a lot of this to he's done everything for what seemed to be the statistically right thing to do in every situation and when i would press him on some kind of basic questions with like what do you really feel what do you really want he had a hard time and we kind of concluded this uh kind of maybe harsh assessment that he made himself into the most interchangeable common man possible and that actually and you could say in a material way it served him right he has a decent girlfriend he has a decent job but he doesn't feel like himself because he made himself totally interchangeable he was because he disconnected so deeply from who he was and a lot of our work has been like discovering what's really in his unconscious what really drives him because he's so disconnected from it and operated purely from his mind and what he thought was like the most statistically useful thing to do and to be he actually made himself interchangeable he's almost identical to like the common man average person not that there's anything you know not that everyone has to be spectacular but when you're the opposite of that to be individuated to really live what's in your unconscious you're not you might not be as likable to certain people right it's like when someone makes a hard stand it's easy to reject them but you would be super magnetic to the people that you're supposed to magnetize and we can expand this to our big metaphor of like when you really are being who you are when you're really in alignment with your unconscious that's what that's when your desires seem to come to you and it actually parallels for over an hour so i'm actually this may be my last anecdote of today i've had this ongoing kind of debate with my friend mishka because he's a men's coach too and we've kind of gone back and forth or we discussed a lot like how necessary and he specifically coaches men like more specifically around dating and attracting women and we've kind of been debating like how necessary is it for a man to be good at cold approach in like the pickup sense and if you've heard me rant about this on the podcast i have my views like i actually think doing too much cold approach and pickup stuff for many guys is it's detrimental past a certain point obviously there's a benefit to if you're too shy to start a conversation with a woman that you're attracted to getting over that is useful and like you know if you have to you know rotely approach a bunch of women on the street or you know force yourself to talk to women at bars to get over that inability to start a conversation there's clearly a big benefit to that but beyond that unless you're the type of person that really loves having these short spastic conversations and likes going out to clubs and loud environments and if you are that person great be who you are go do that but for a lot of guys and i would say most of the guys that i coach or maybe the most of the guys who are like me enough that they choose want to work with me that's not that's i mean that's certainly not who i was who i am and i think most men aren't really like that i mean i'm applying some subjective bias here but like i guess i i find the club environments in most settings to be it's just not my thing let me just leave it that it's not my personal thing and i feel like i really became big became magnetic to women specifically just as an example or really felt found like a certain level of abundance when i was like this is exactly how i want to approach my dating life which is not putting an effort and certainly not going to alcohol environments and talking to a bunch of people in loud environments like i feel like i my dating life really flourished and became abundant when i got very clear of like you know what i never like being out of my house when it's dark out if i'm really honest so i'm only going to date in the afternoons i'm only going to see women in the afternoons and i'm not going to put any effort into trying to meet going out and meeting women for the sake of meeting women because that's that was so not in alignment with who i was and i found that's actually when i was the most abundant it's not like i didn't meet women but it was always you know in these random settings this is why i felt magnetic in a sense that you know i'd meet a woman in the post office or in a cafe or at a yoga class or doing a nature-y thing with my male friends and i would somehow meet a woman and those are the kinds of settings that and that's why i felt magnetic and i would say you know similarly with my business i think i didn't share this exactly but in this period where i really had like this huge abundance of like incoming client request or you know coaching requests and stuff i actually wasn't putting more than two or three hours a week into the activities that led to these financial opportunities if you will these business opportunities because i was so focused on writing my book all i would do is i would on saturday afternoon i would think about something i would want to talk about which was uh you know usually based on whatever books i was reading i was reading a lot of young back then for my own personal interest sunday morning i would scribble out a script based on what i thought about monday morning at 8 a.
M i would facebook live to my facebook group and whatever right and that was my entire those were all my marketing activities i i was living very humbly at the time but i was making like five times my living expenses right i was saving 80% of my my income and i was putting in two three hours of effort is this a coincidence i don't was i being lucky i don't know but i know i was being so in alignment because everything i was doing was truly coming from within it was truly like i was i was so in my zone so living the way i wanted to live both when it came to to money generation or business and with also also my dating life or how i connected with people in general as being so in myself and i look back and like wow i had this like strange magnetic quality back then and going back to this debate i've had with with my friend mishka and i'm not against people cold approaching if that's who you are is going out to clubs and you really love that environment then you should but i was like what i concluded is like if that's who you are that's what you should do and then by doing that you will find success in that realm if that's not who you are past a certain point i strongly believe is detrimental and if i make make my last humble admission especially about this last year i'll just i'll just be you know straight like one of the big things i was kind of surprisingly disappointed in was was my business because i invested quite a lot in a certain marketing strategy that i'd seen work with other people it's interestingly very analogous to cold approach with with women i mean i won't go into the super details but basically it's a strategy that i see that a lot of coaches are using these days and i've seen a lot of coaches have success with it which is doing a lot of dming on instagram inviting people onto sales calls etc etc i don't think there's anything wrong with that and i tried it because it seemed to be the way like the most rational strategy for growing a coaching business in 2025 let's say but man was it so not me like it's so not me i put a lot of energy into it and it was it was so not me and i don't think there's anything wrong with it just like i don't think there's anything wrong with cold approach if that's truly who you are if you're being genuine and otherwise a good person whatever but it's like it's so not me and it's like looking back and my wife was kind of nudging me on this is like it's not that the strategy was wrong it's that i wasn't in alignment with myself and therefore my feelings turned down and therefore my magnetism turned off i'm not upset that i had that experience just like i'm not upset that i put a lot of time into cold approaching at clubs because it did help me get over my anxieties and i think all of you know a very holistic way of looking at things is all of our experiences if we can learn from them lead to our growth anyway in summary i believe we can draw a very clear actionable metaphor on our personal magnetism by looking at the physics formula for magnetic fields b equals mu naught times n times i or the strength of a magnetic field equals the permeability or i should say the alignments within times the hard work of putting in the structures the positive structures in your life so that you're not a hyper feeling which who creates all these things that she didn't actually want or he didn't actually want times feeling which of course is extremely important the more you feel the more magnetic quality you have but the results you get whether desirable or not do require you to be in alignment with your unconscious and also having life structures that promote the results that you want all right my voice is kind of going i'm in a cold garage right now i'm still in new york visiting my family that's just my mini personal update thanks for listening i'll see you in the next one goodbye
