Getting over disappointments in Parshat Vettchanan.
Parshat Vettchanan,
The Torah portion that is always read on Shabbat Nachamu,
The Shabbat of comfort,
That comes after Tisha B'av,
Is best known as the parsha that contains the Shema,
Which is central to our prayers.
And in this parsha,
We can also learn about hopes and warnings and disappointments.
Moses,
Who had given a lifetime of service to God and to the children of Israel,
Was denied entry to the land of Israel,
In spite of his pleading with God to let him in.
Moses spent his life leading the people of Israel toward the Promised Land,
But now he would not be able to enjoy the fruits of his life's work.
Was Moses disappointed,
Frustrated,
Or was he hurt that his prayers weren't answered and his dream was denied?
We all know the feeling of disappointment.
Sometimes it's experienced as an emotional blow to the stomach or in the chest,
Literally taking your breath away.
Other times,
It might make your throat become tight.
Whatever the emotional experience is like for you,
Disappointment can range from letting go of mild hopes to crushing your deepest lifestream.
No matter what form disappointment may take for you in any given situation,
How you choose to handle that emotional experience makes all the difference between becoming more resilient and learning an important lesson or deciding to give up on future happiness or success.
Carolyn Gimion,
Meditation teacher and author,
Teaches that there's a strong relationship between expectations,
Disappointment,
And blame.
Expectations are usually about the future.
When they're not met,
We're often disappointed,
And this leads us to judge ourselves and maybe others when things don't go our way.
Expectations set us up for disappointment.
Blame deflects our disappointment.
You can see this in the most mundane circumstances.
For example,
You make a reservation for dinner,
But when you get to the restaurant,
They can't find your reservation and there's no tables available.
Someone has to pay for this,
You might say.
With small disappointments,
Humor can be a good remedy.
Really?
Is there nothing you can put on your salad to replace your favorite brand of salad dressing you just ran out of?
Isn't it even a little bit funny that you're so fixated?
Daily disappointment is often connected with the breakdown of a habit that we cling to.
If you've been wearing the same brand and style of mascara for the last 10 years,
And suddenly it's no longer being made,
You're likely to be disappointed.
But not getting what you're accustomed to also wakes you up.
You have to look around and see what else is available.
For instance,
When your coffee shop stops carrying your favorite dark roast,
You have to look at the menu and consider other alternatives.
Disappointment can turn out to be refreshing.
When the great thing we longed for doesn't live up to our expectations,
We may wonder why we wanted it in the first place.
We might feel disappointed because sometimes the purchased item doesn't bring the hope for satisfaction.
When we feel fundamentally disappointed,
It can be paralyzing.
We blame ourselves and we blame the people who live with us and work with us,
Especially the people we care about the most.
We can take it further and feel unworthy or become unable to achieve anything.
We feel not only disappointed,
But discouraged,
Which literally means to lose our courage.
When things really don't go our way,
How do we find the courage not to give up?
Through the quiet of mindfulness practice and being open enough,
We can find value in every disappointment.
Disappointment isn't something we can avoid in life,
But it doesn't have to be crippling.
If we have even a glimmer that our failures are as valuable as our successes,
We have the beginnings of a way to work with disappointment.
The unacceptable alternative is to give up,
To avoid taking a chance in life,
To stay away from anything risky or uncertain.
Here are a few things that might help you to find quiet and openness when you're facing disappointment.
Make a point of simply acknowledging to yourself when you're disappointed.
Over a day or a week,
Notice when you're disappointed because you don't get what you want.
Not changing it,
Just noticing it.
Number two,
Stop ruminating,
Which means stop excessively dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings.
The more you dwell in your disappointment,
The harder it is to let it go.
Not only will it disrupt your ability to focus,
But it will also prevent you from moving forward.
Number three,
Finding humor in a situation allows you to step back and see things more clearly.
I'm not suggesting you make light of your emotional vulnerability,
But recognize that laughing is like taking a deep breath and bring everything back down to earth.
Surround yourself with people who make you smile.
Number four,
Be kind to yourself.
There's a difference between you and whatever disappointment you're experiencing.
Appreciate yourself.
Right now,
When you're experiencing the worst disappointment in your life,
You're there with it.
It's okay that you're disappointed.
Be kind to yourself.
Number five,
If you have a few minutes,
Breathe through your disappointment.
Take it in and let it out.
Just stopping to notice our breath for a minute can make a big difference.
Or try this short guided practice.
After you get settled,
Noticing the contact your body's making with whatever surface you're sitting on.
Focusing on your in-breath and your out-breath.
And with each exhale,
Can you imagine yourself letting go of your feeling of disappointment?
And letting your body relax in your chair or wherever you're sitting?
Take a moment to imagine a gentle breath towards your heart,
Feeling a softening.
Letting go of your disappointment will help you create an opening,
A space for more possibilities.
What would you like to invite in the space right now?
And what would you like to cultivate more of?
What inner strength would you like to encourage or help to grow?
Can you imagine letting it in?
Any words of encouragement that you can tell yourself,
Like something you might say to someone you care about.
Or ask yourself,
What do I need right now?
Allow yourself to remain in this practice as long as you need to.
Moses comes to understand the reality that every life,
Including his own,
Comes with limitations and disappointments.
But there's hope for us when we can learn to befriend our disappointments.
Thanks for listening,
And tune in next week.
