What do you do when your care is not returned?
When your kindness is not reciprocal?
And when you realize people are not kind as you are?
Let's explore.
I'm Anamail,
This is Exile Unrising.
For how long you have been underestimating self?
Recognizing the value of the self is one of the most daring,
Haunting,
Confusing,
And the longest quest of your human life.
It can take decades to truly see what values you carry,
And to own them with protection and pride.
And for many of us,
Especially those shunned into any form of exile,
War,
Displacement,
Toxic families,
Abusive relationship,
Oppression,
Racism.
This recognition of our own values,
What we have,
Takes even longer.
And the reason is very simple.
The system,
Abusers,
And power over dynamics we lived in made sure to teach us that nothing of value lived inside of us.
And this is real for many people who are living and lived under oppression.
That message was very clear and direct.
I lived as an invisible minority.
I'm Serbian from Croatia.
That message for my family,
For my ethnicity,
For me was very clear when our home was detonated because of our quote-unquote wrong ethnicity.
That was a very clear message that we don't have nothing of value because of our ethnicity.
So they delivered that message very clearly.
Also,
That message can be delivered to you through verbal assaults,
Through lower pay,
Through being denied of human rights,
Through smirks on the face,
Through the way you are spoken to or not spoken to at all.
Please check my episode,
The Trauma of Non-Existence.
And this mistreatment exists on a wide spectrum.
And over time,
We do internalize this mistreatment and this message.
So what was projected onto us becomes something we begin to believe about ourselves.
And underestimation of self does not start inside of us.
We didn't wake up as nine-year-old and decide I'm going to underestimate my core,
My identity,
Who I am.
It always starts from outside.
It is thought,
It is enforced,
And it's repeated until it settles into the body that we truly start to believe and underestimate our own values.
And much of this underestimation becomes embodied at a cellular level,
Sometimes even before we are born.
It travels through our DNA,
Through our lineage,
Through our ancestors.
And the path of underestimating self often began long before us,
With our mothers and fathers,
With generations shaped by suppression and oppression.
I certainly can testify of my life,
But also the life of my parents and my grandparents,
Who continuously had to underestimate their own values,
Not because of their own choice,
But because it was done to them from outside.
And if you are a minority,
If you are a Black,
Indigenous person of color,
If you are marginalized or structurally disadvantaged,
You know this field very well.
You know what it means to walk on ground where with every step,
An external message is laid into your bones,
Through propaganda,
Through media,
Through school system,
Through work system.
Through healthcare.
And that message,
It just lands into the bones.
And it's that somehow you are less of value,
Or less of capacities,
Less of importance.
And we walk this path for years,
Sometimes decades,
Where we truly believe.
Because why?
Because everyone around you is sending you those messages.
And sometimes very,
Very subtle.
As I said,
It can be just silent smirk on someone's face.
That was my experience.
The moment they hear my last name,
I was immediately put below in the group of minorities who were clearly never welcomed and who had to be executed.
I witnessed that many times and experienced when I was held at the gunpoint,
Where I begged in my mind for my ID not to be taken.
Because clearly my last name is very,
Very Serbian.
So what happens when we walk this path for years and decades?
Usually it's not until the psyche reaches a place of deep exhaustion,
After repeated injustice,
After many dark nights of the soul,
That something shifts.
Because,
As you know,
You can endure a lot.
An extraordinary amount of endurance is born when you are oppressed.
And it often takes not one collapse,
Not one dark night of the soul,
But many.
And then when we reach that point of devastation,
When it's so deep that there is nowhere left to look outward,
Something happens.
And it's almost a miracle or magical moment.
Not wanted,
Absolutely not ever wanted.
But what it happens,
Our gaze toward outside,
Toward oppressor,
Toward unsafety,
Turns inward.
Not toward those who underestimated us,
But toward one singular drop of value within ourselves.
One drop of light.
One undeniable truth.
One undeniable value gets to be recognized.
In that moment,
When we feel like we cannot take one step towards tomorrow.
And for many,
What I observed with my clients and what happened to me,
This moment feels almost divine.
Like guidance,
Spirit,
Or grace intervening,
Or God.
You have your own name for that moment.
You know that moment.
And in the darkest place,
We finally meet what was always there.
The value that was underestimated by others and then adopted by us.
And sometimes the recognition is so simple,
It surprises us.
We might even laugh because it's so simple and so deep.
When we realize,
When we recognize in that moment,
That we have strong moral values,
And that means a lot.
That's something where we can fully lean on and value that.
That we have ethics,
Kindness,
Humanity,
Care.
You realize you know what is right in that moment,
What is just,
What is human.
You recognize that your heart is caring,
That your presence is welcoming,
That your listening is deep,
Your seeing is to show up for others.
You meet your values with full recognition and ownership.
And here is something very critical.
In a moment when we recognize our own value,
We recognize other person lack of values,
Other person lack of kindness,
Or we recognize other person lack of moral values,
Lack of ethics.
Other person lack of humanity,
We dare to recognize what other person is missing and doesn't have.
And to assess that and to see that,
If you're living in power over dynamics,
If you're oppressed,
Is monumental.
Because you're so trained not to ever question our oppressor,
Moral values,
Ethics,
Kindness,
And humanity.
This is how deeply we can be conditioned and trained into obedience and lack of critical thinking or daring to question.
This is very,
Very important.
And here is something very critical.
With this,
When you don't recognize your values,
Others do.
Let me repeat this.
When you don't recognize your own values,
Others do.
They do.
They see them clearly.
And because you don't protect what you cannot yet see,
Your values remain unsheltered.
And what is unsheltered becomes very easy to use.
It's easy to exploit.
It is easy to abuse.
Predators,
Perpetrators are always targeting unprotected person.
And those who live without these values are often drawn to people who have values,
Not because they honor them,
But because they benefit from them.
They feed on your generosity.
They feed on your intelligence.
They feed on your finances.
They feed on your labor.
They feed on your care.
They feed on your kindness.
And this is very real.
We need to dismantle fantasy that everyone is kind and caring.
And this is very common in spiritual circles.
It's almost like you get to be shunned into shame if you're even saying and questioning other person's kindness and intent.
And as you know,
I'm a somatic experiencing therapist for PTSD and trauma recovery.
I work with genocide,
War,
And displacement survivors and the victims of narcissistic and sadistic abuse.
And I can see all the time how perpetrators and predators are abusing other people because they are not able to see,
To recognize,
And to protect their own values.
So what is very common in dynamics is that perpetrator,
Predator will use your values and simultaneously devalue your values so they don't have to face what they themselves lack so they can feel better about themselves.
So in the same way as they're using your values,
Your gifts,
They will also devalue them.
And this dynamic is ancient.
Many people enact it unconsciously,
But unconscious does not mean harmless.
You can have a very dear friend or a partner who will take advantage over your time,
Over your cognitive capacities,
Over your emotional labor,
Over your money,
Because they're taking this for granted.
And because simply on your side,
Your time,
Your money,
Your emotions,
Your presence is not protected by your boundaries and how much you have capacities to give away.
It's just there on the menu to be used 24-7.
So as I said,
People do this intentionally and they do this unconscious,
And yet that does not mean it's harmless for you.
And what happens on your side,
You can try to prove your worth.
You can over-effort,
Over-give,
Over-serve.
You can serve endlessly,
You can endure,
And none of it will stop the extraction,
None of it.
Partners,
Adult children,
Emotionally or financially abusive parents,
Exploitive systems and power over communities will simply not stop taking because you're generous.
Why would they?
It's convenient for them.
Your resources are available.
The boundaries are absent.
You're not even aware of your values and your gifts.
So why would they stop?
And this continues until you recognize your value and stop underestimating what you have,
What carries you,
Your identity,
Yourself,
And until you clearly say and communicate enough.
And that recognition is part to sovereignty,
To self-authority,
To maturity.
And this is what adulting truly is.
It is the movement from the innocence of a child who gives their heart freely in trust,
In trust to an adult who knows what they carry and consciously decide how,
When,
And to whom it is offered.
And you assess,
This is where you work,
You assess how much of your time you give,
How much of you care,
How much of your money,
How much of your emotional labor,
How much of your intelligence.
And this is big part.
And asking,
What is required in return from this person?
What is reciprocal?
What is fear?
There is my dignity,
Matt.
There is my respect,
Matt.
And you can be in your 60s or 70s and still feel taken for granted and still having this big innocent heart who gives with the best intent and requires nothing in return,
Where your heart gets to be used and abused,
And then when your heart moves into bitterness and resentment.
And this is very common as we age.
We move into the place of being bitter and resentful.
And this is on us because we didn't develop enough maturity to recognize our values and to assess how much of my time I'm willing to give.
And what is reciprocal?
What is required in return?
And maturity is not about age.
It is about conscious choice in relational field.
It's about assessing.
It's about requirements.
And it is about seeing and not underestimating your own values.
And,
Of course,
This is not about parenting minors or caring for those you have chosen to care for.
This is about relationship and systems where you have been consistently undervalued,
Underestimated,
And used.
And giving yourself away in the hope that one day you will be recognized,
Appreciated,
Loved,
Or allowed to belong without knowing what you're giving or why is how predators gain access,
How abusers take advantage of you,
How bully takes advantage of you.
And this can be a workplace.
It can be a family system.
There is always one person who always needs to take care of family chaos and family drama without being appreciated or asked.
Or parents who are still used by adult kids or adult children who are abused emotionally and financially by their parents.
This can happen in your partnership,
In a community.
And those who benefit from your self-underestimation will not suddenly stop.
They will not volunteer reciprocity.
They will not interrupt their advantage and what benefits to them.
And underestimating your own value is deeply conditioned by oppressive system and abuse.
And it's deeply conditioned in patriarchal families when we can see power over dynamics where you need to endure,
When you need to give away your hard-earned money just because,
Or your privacy just because,
Where you simply don't have any choice.
So your work is to retrieve what was taken for granted by others and establish it within yourself to recognize your values,
How you're different from them.
Allow yourself to compare.
Please check the other episode about allowing yourself to assess and to compare.
And your work is to protect your values.
And to give only where reciprocity exists or where generosity is consciously chosen but not extracted from you,
Taken for granted.
And to stop waiting for those who underestimated you to suddenly see you.
They will not.
Sovereignty begins the moment you stop negotiating your worth with those who never intended to honor it.
So to summarize all of this,
Structural and somatic reality is that self-underestimation is taught.
It is enforced through power.
And that power is power over you.
And then it becomes embodied inside of you.
And it persists until it's consciously,
By you,
Interrupted through sovereignty.
And this state of being underestimated by self is a long-term psychological conditioning process produced by war and displacement,
Racism,
Oppression,
Abusive family system,
Abusive relationships,
Exploitive relationships,
Institutions that pay less,
Where they profile you based on a gender,
Race,
Ethnicity,
Or disability,
Where they deny rights,
Where they dismiss voice,
And where they normalize disrespect.
So this is not a person mindset problem.
This is not change your mindset and you will transform.
This is historical,
Systemic,
And relationship conditioning.
And underestimating yourself begins as external message.
And then it becomes an internal belief.
And then becomes a behavior pattern,
Which becomes a relational vulnerability.
And if you ever judged yourself for low self-worth,
For lack of self-esteem and confidence,
Please know this has nothing to do with your essence,
With your dignity,
With who you are.
This is learned adaptation.
This is what was projected onto you.
And then we start to believe as this is truth about ourselves.
And what's very important here,
You can't protect what you can't see in yourself.
Because if you don't recognize your value,
What other person is saying,
And projecting on you as the value,
You do this work on your own.
And when you recognize your own value,
Then you can set the boundaries around it.
But you cannot set up the boundaries if your value is still invisible.
To you.
So recognize,
Compare what you have and that other person next to you doesn't.
Make a list.
Don't be afraid of that.
And then you shelter what you just saw inside of you.
And then distribute intentionally and require reciprocity.
These are the steps.
And exploitation,
Abuse isn't always cruel,
Isn't always dramatic.
It can be very quiet.
It can be normalized.
It can hide under family loyalty.
And also it can be socially rewarded.
And it can be so simple as emotional extraction.
Emotional extraction,
Very common for women,
For mothers,
Goes through time,
Through care,
Through listening,
Through soothing.
And it's deeply exhausting if we don't have boundaries around this.
If everyone is accessible to our presence,
To our listening,
Through our soothing.
Also,
It can be a labor extraction through efforting,
Over functioning,
Or being the reliable one,
Being the strong one in a family.
So this is not big T trauma or big abuse.
This is very subtle extraction which will have impact on you as a big abuse.
If it's a theme in your life.
Also,
It can happen through material extraction.
Through money,
Through resources.
And also moral extraction.
Carrying others consciousness.
So being morally exhausted and used.
If you have to be accountable.
If you need to carry for other person lack of consciousness or lack of ethics.
Lack of moral values.
To recognize your values is to become adult inside your own life.
And to recognize that is the path to sovereignty,
To self-authority,
To maturity.
And I can see many people who are in their 50s,
60s,
70s,
Or any age,
Who keeps getting used and abused because of their kind heart.
And the reason why is that they don't even recognize how much of a good heart they have compared to that person who is using them.
And for them who are so freely giving their kindness.
So sovereignty is not a vibe.
It is developmental shift.
When you move from innocence to discernment.
Where you assess and sort and recognize what's the difference between you and that person when it comes to the same thing.
Is it same time given?
Is it same presence given?
Is it same money given?
And you're looking for reciprocity.
It's not eye for eye,
But we are looking for the themes.
We are observing the themes.
What's the theme here?
The path to your maturity,
Sovereignty,
Is from hoping to choosing.
Where you stop to hope and wait to be recognized by that someone.
But you choose and you communicate,
This is what I need.
And from proving yourself through so much hard work without being recognized,
To require,
This is what I want.
If I give so much time in taking care of you,
I require from you to give me time when I need your support.
So I can lean on you.
And not to ask,
Not to tell,
But for you to recognize and be there for me as I am for you.
And also we move from giving to belong,
To belonging to self first.
And keep in mind your worth,
Your worth,
Who you are,
Does not increase when others validate.
And validation can be so supportive,
But you're not building your identity around it.
Because if you're living in the space of maybe one day they will see me,
You will live for a very long time in a life where other people will exploit you.
And then the key here is requiring,
Setting up relational standard because if your giving is consistently unreciprocated,
You're not in relationship,
You're in extraction dynamic.
So you need to normalize a relational standard by asking yourself,
What is required in return?
What is fear?
What is fear?
What do I require in return?
What's my part of this bargain?
Because certainly this is the bargain you didn't sign up for,
Right?
If someone is taking continuously advantage of you.
And that question alone disrupts entire family systems and workplace norms.
And we are conditioned and trained not to disrupt,
Not to ask anything for ourselves.
So I'm talking about power over dynamics.
That's the context.
And please be aware of the big red flags.
Over exhaustion,
Resentment,
Bitterness,
The dark nights of the soul.
We know that place.
We also know the place of intergenerational trauma when people from beginning are born with shame.
So as I close this share today,
I would like to leave you with this.
Self-underestimation is the open door for you to be used and abused.
Recognition is the lock to the door.
And you cannot protect what you cannot see inside of yourself.
Be curious about what you carry,
What you hold,
What's valuable,
And what other people don't have,
And what other people have.
And from your conditioning by power over systems,
Underestimation of self is not a personal trait.
It is a survival strategy installed by power.
Predators do not steal what is protected.
They extract what the person has not yet claimed.
You're giving without recognition.
What you are giving turns your generosity into an open wound.
Maturity is not learning how to give more.
It is learning how to require reciprocity.
Hope that one day you will be valued keeps you loyal to systems that never intended to value you.
You cannot protect what you cannot recognize as valuable in yourself.
Sovereignty begins the moment you stop negotiating your worth with those who benefit from your underestimating self.
Exhaustion is often the doorway through which self-recognition finally enters.
And this is a terrible knowledge we earn.
And I hope you will not be at that place.
I'm Anamail.
This is Exiled and Rising.
And until next time,
Much care,
Much care.
