We say that we want peace of mind,
Yet we keep finding fault with ourselves,
With other people or with circumstances.
So it's as if we want to be right and we want to feel good and very often these are mutually exclusive so let's take a look at that let's say that you might have to choose between being right and feeling good,
Being at peace.
Let's take a look at a few examples.
Let's imagine that you're thinking,
Oh Jonathan never really listens to me.
She should pay back the money she owes me or what about why does that woman always slam the door couldn't she just stop it and close that door really quietly now i call that arguing with reality because Jonathan might not be listening.
She might never pay you back that money and the woman will keep slamming the door whether you like it or not and when we go into this wanting to be right wanting to control things that we cannot control we often go into feeling righteous and we go into a lot of judgment of other people sometimes ourselves sometimes situations we start making all of that wrong and that never feels good and again as i said we are sort of we are wanting to control people that we cannot control and that just leaves us feeling really How old?
And then we can go spinning again into all of the things that are wrong and thinking that.
.
.
These things are wrong believing that reality shouldn't be the way it is can never feel good like think of something that is upsetting you Think of it,
How does that feel?
And what if you could let it go,
Is what I wanted to say.
What if you could just let.
.
.
All of that go.
Now what I'm not saying is that you should take everything lying down,
Let people walk all over you,
Be a doormat,
Accept the unacceptable.
Now that's not what I'm saying.
There is a little bit of discernment here.
There is the fact.
.
.
The fact that perhaps a woman hasn't paid back the money that she owes you.
And then there's all the thoughts we go into thinking about it and it's those extra thoughts I really want to take a look at with you those thoughts that really create the bulk of our upsetness that those are the thoughts that really rob us of that peace of mind So fortunately.
.
.
Byron Katie has created something called The Work.
Here's what she says about happiness.
Happiness is a natural state for someone who knows that there's nothing to know and that we already have everything we need right here now.
So feel free to check out Bar and Katie and The Work.
I'm going to walk you through it with a slightly different angle to it because I find that her work can be really triggering and sometimes very harsh to start off with but feel free to check it out I'm going to give you a sort of more acceptable version i would like to say so What we have to accept is that when we feel triggered and we say,
John is making me upset because he's not listening to me,
We're really.
.
.
Well,
We're making John responsible for us feeling upset,
But that is,
Strictly speaking,
Not true.
Jonathan is doing here is he's just stirring up something something deep within us that is already there.
So in other words what is already inside of us is simply being reflected out on the outside world and we are being triggered we are being triggered by a behavior of Jonathan's and we're making it mean something and all of that is happening because a part of us just hasn't healed it something happened in our past That makes us think a certain way about this and Byron Katie's work is really something that can help you heal.
So that you can still not control Jonathan right you can still not control other people what you can do is accept accept that Jonathan will be Jonathan and you are free to be you.
And once you have healed,
What is triggering you?
Well,
Jonathan will no longer have the power to trigger you.
So that is the work we're diving into.
So to start off with,
I would love for you to think about.
.
.
Person or a circumstance or situation outside of yourself that you really don't agree with,
That you want to argue with,
That you really can't accept.
Anything it could be way back in your past it could have happened this morning anything that you really find it difficult to be at peace with.
So in my example It was,
Let's say,
Jonathan not listening.
What is it for you?
What is that?
And if you could just really focus on it for a while and what can really help you focus is if you start writing things down.
Now when we write things down we focus on what we're writing and that is so useful because in modern life we're just not very good at focusing.
So we can think of one thing while we've got part of our brains over in a different area and we've got this thought over here.
We've got lots of things going on and what happens once you start writing on your computer or on your phone or on any device or simply paper is that you must focus on what you're writing.
Let's get everything out about the the thing you're upset about or in my example about Jonathan let's write it all down let's really bring up all the petty thoughts all the judgments let let's hold nothing back because all of this is is going to help us understand and heal So when you think the thought,
Jonathan never listens to me.
You might notice the thoughts that follow.
You could be thinking,
He doesn't respect me.
He doesn't care what I have to say.
He should pay attention when I'm talking.
Then you start feeling irritated or dismissed or not respected or rejected even.
Can you feel that?
Feel that in your body.
So you've got it all out.
And you have pinpointed some of the thoughts that this is having you think.
And we want to keep your thoughts apart from you.
Because you are the entity who's thinking a thought.
You are not your thought.
And the reason we know that is you can observe your thoughts,
Which is what you just did.
So you are thinking something about an event in your life,
About a circumstance,
About a person.
That is a thought and you are not that thought because you're observing it.
Now Byron Katie has come up with four questions we can ask ourselves to get clarity and to start our healing and the first question is Is it true?
Is it true that Jonathan isn't really listening?
Is it true that he doesn't respect you?
Is it true that he should be listening?
Try it out in your mind.
Just take one of the thoughts you had.
And ask is it true and you can put down your pen and go inside close your eyes and just go inside and see what comes up is it true And there can be only two answers possible to this.
It is either yes,
No.
We don't want a long explanation.
We don't want a justification.
We're not going there.
We just.
.
.
Watching or observing reality and you're answering the very very simple question is it true yes Or no?
Now,
If you answered no,
It means,
Well,
It's not It's not entirely true or maybe something else is also true.
And let us just keep that for later.
Because if you answered yes.
Then the second question becomes.
Can I absolutely know that it's true?
Now in most cases concerning other people or outside circumstances You can't be 100% certain that it's true.
How do you react?
What happens when you believe that thought?
Sir.
When you think the thought Jonathan never really listens to me.
He doesn't respect me.
He should be listening to me.
How does that feel in your body?
And if you could take just one minute to close your eyes and feel what those thoughts feel like in your body.
Connect to that.
Really feel the feelings.
Don't try to push them away and don't go into the explaining it away and say,
Oh,
He probably likes me anyway.
And of course,
Maybe this was only once.
Really stay with those negative feelings.
I know we don't like feeling those negative feelings,
But in order to heal,
We really have to feel them.
Not for a long,
One minute,
Is enough.
So go ahead and feel some of those.
Not so nice feelings that you don't normally enjoy feeling but just connect with them.
And then ask yourself Who would I be without?
That thought.
And I find that question so interesting because for me what often comes up is something to do with freedom.
Oh,
I would feel free.
I would feel lighter.
I would be happy.
If I wasn't thinking the thought.
.
.
Jonathan doesn't respect me,
I would feel so much better.
So can you see what I meant when I said earlier that you sometimes have to choose between being right?
And feeling good.
Being at peace.
So here's your opportunity.
Are you willing to pay the price of feeling good,
The price being giving up You being 100% right.
For me it's always worth it because I know that there's so much more joy and happiness.
To be felt,
To be experienced once I loosen my grip on wanting to be right.
Once I let go of the need to justify,
Explain away or prove or any of those.
Of mental exercises that might give us some intellectual gratification but really doesn't help us feel good.
So.
Byron Katie's work doesn't stop here.
But I'm coming back to it a little bit later.
But I really want you to consider this question,
Which really works well for me and most of my clients.
Where are you not respecting you?
So you've turned around.
Jonathan doesn't respect me.
Into where not if Or am I respecting myself?
It's where am I not respecting myself?
Where are you not respecting you?
Why is that such an interesting question?
It's because you are triggered.
You are triggered by something which signals that you have got some unhealed parts of you.
That is hurt by this,
That is triggered.
Meaning that you've got something that you haven't healed.
And it's always so good to go inside and find out well where have I been letting myself down because I can't control Jonathan,
I can't make him listen.
What I can do,
What I've got full control over is.
.
.
Where I can show myself some respect where I can listen to myself so please spend a little bit of time put me on pause and think about oh where am I not respecting myself or where am I not listening to myself and we all do it like let's just find out where that is because once you start listening to yourself once you start respecting yourself Well,
Then you no longer need Jonathan to do it.
If that makes sense.
You are completely responsible for yourself and how you feel,
What you say to yourself,
What you think about yourself,
How you treat yourself.
So once you are.
.
.
Certain that you're taking the best care of yourself you're listening to yourself and you are respecting yourself Well then you no longer need the outside to do that for you.
And that feels really,
Really much better because Now you're in control.
Now you're empowered.
You're no longer giving power up to something outside of you,
Something that you cannot control.
So think about it.
Write down a few ideas of how you can start to listen to yourself.
I'll start listening to my body and stop eating when I'm full.
I'll listen to my needs when I'm tired and stop telling myself I have to do this and that.
What you're doing here is you're calming down your nervous system,
Which is in high alert when you're thinking,
Jonathan isn't really listening to me,
He doesn't respect me.
It is in high alert.
It wants to make you aware that something is wrong.
But.
.
.
When your nervous system is no longer on high alert because you are listening to you you are taking care of you it can calm down And you can then start putting all of that in practice.
And every time you listen to yourself,
You are signaling to your nervous system that you've really got this.
Like you are empowered.
You're taking care of that.
We don't need to look to Jonathan or anybody else.
We're good.
And that feels amazing so if you can shine the light a flashlight on the inside and find out what's really upsetting you and it's never Jonathan it's always something within you when you can pinpoint that really precisely and then caring for that part of you Everything starts to change.
Byron Katie asks us to look at opposites.
So she invites us to ask ourselves,
Where are you not respecting Jonathan?
Maybe we don't want to admit it,
But as we're not perfect,
Maybe in some instances we ourselves have been guilty of not listening to Jonathan.
So let's turn the whole thing around and look at oh maybe I don't always listen to Jonathan,
Maybe I don't always respect him as much as I can.
Another turnaround for Byron Katie is asking When is Jonathan actually listening?
So again to calm down your nervous system you can start listing out all the times that Jonathan has listened all the times where you do communicate.
You see so we we don't stay in that all or nothing thinking that all white or all black we're in that gray zone in the middle where we start recognizing that okay maybe Jonathan isn't perfect but neither am I and that's okay so calming down your nervous system even more it helps you feel so much better and please notice it doesn't take anything away from you does it I mean it doesn't take anything away to know that Jonathan isn't perfect You aren't perfect.
Who cares?
Byron Katie wants us to take this even further she wants us to be willing to.
To experience that happening again,
Jonathan not listening,
Us feeling disrespected.
She even invites us to start looking forward to it Now I find that a tall order but there's so much freedom in it and how I choose to look at it for myself is that with my triggers I look forward to them happening because When I get triggered,
I know,
Okay,
I've got something to heal inside me.
And when I do so,
When I do heal it I become more of who I can be.
I heal myself.
I feel better.
More becomes possible for me in the world.
There's everything to gain.
It's not about making other people wrong for having triggered me.
It's about finding the space inside of me.
Where I'm not yet healed.
And that is how I can actually look forward to being triggered because I can just think,
Oh,
How interesting.
I'm so curious.
This just triggered me hugely.
Let me go inside and find out where I'm still hurting,
Where I can still heal.
So whether you want to do all of Byron Katie's work or not,
You can go through a few questions.
Let me sum it up for you.
Think of a person or.
.
.
An event,
A situation that you really are very upset about Try to pinpoint it precisely.
Now notice the thoughts that follow.
Notice how it makes you feel.
Then ask Byron Katie's four questions.
Is it true?
The answer is simply yes or no.
If you answered yes go to question number two which is Can I absolutely know that it's true?
Put all your desire to be right aside.
You can always come back to justification and judgment later.
Question number three is about how you react.
What happens when you believe that thought?
And this is where I invite you to spend a little bit of time with the physical sensations that you feel in your body as you think this thought.
Question number four is.
.
.
Who would I be?
Without that thought.
Then there's looking at the opposite.
You can also do a turnaround,
Look at it from a different angle.
If you can.
Be willing to see this happen again.
You can even practice looking forward to it happening again.
The point is to feel emotionally neutral about the whole event,
About the person or whatever it is that triggered you.
Coming to that neutral space is what we are aiming for because in that there is peace.
Now in real life,
Of course,
You don't always have the time to do this,
Do you?
But can I just say that if you practice this sometimes,
Let's say once a week even,
When you sit down and think about something upsetting and you take.
.
.
You take yourself through all of this in whatever form.
Byron Katie or with my modifications if you find something that really helps you connect with it and helps you accept your feelings and also accept that you can't control the outside all you can control is how you want to think about it and that is really where you can come in and change most situations.
Now.
Many people would think that oh why don't you just stop seeing Jonathan like problem solved he doesn't listen to me let me never see him again But.
.
.
Life has this.
Fascinating way of always bringing us back to the things we have to heal.
So if this is a recurring thing in your life in my example somebody not listening now if this is something that you feel very strongly about it will keep coming up all the time it's as if it becomes a pattern in your life and until you stop And you feel this.
It will keep coming back.
So,
Of course,
In the immediate,
It's so much easier just not to see Jonathan perhaps.
But then some people we do want to keep seeing,
Don't we?
Some people we do want to spend our lives with.
And we really want to come to accept them fully as we want to accept ourselves.
And I find that this way of looking at it really helps us both accept other people,
Circumstances,
Events.
And ourselves so this method really applies to anything however it's more useful to go outside and observe the outside and then bring that inside and see where it hits And of course you have to be completely honest with yourself.
And that's okay We are allowed to be really honest with ourselves and it's not because we find that we are not exactly perfect.
That is no reason not to shower ourselves with the deepest respect and most profound love because nobody's perfect right we are allowed to sometimes make mistakes and we can always go inside really to find more of the truth.
More of the truth that can feel uncomfortable in the moment.
But really,
It is our way out of the suffering.
It is our way to that peace of mind,
Even if the price to pay is to not always be 100% right.
Hope this has spurred something in you I hope that this will help you moving forward I would love to know if it did help you or if there's something in particular you're struggling with so feel free to reach out can't wait to connect with you bye for now
