Are you wondering if you should give somebody a second chance?
Maybe it's your partner or a family member or a close friend who let you down or has repeatedly hurt you and you're not sure what to do.
That's what I'm going to be talking about.
I'm going to share five signs the relationship is worth saving.
Now,
If you're new,
My name is Michelle Ferris.
I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work.
A lot of people struggle with this because you might be tempted to just take the person back without really having to go through anything to get there because you don't want to lose the relationship.
But here's the thing,
Giving somebody a second chance without anything changing is just going to give you more of the same and most likely there's a reason you're hesitating right now and that's what I'm going to help you figure out.
Because a healthy second chance requires change,
Not wishful thinking.
So the first sign a relationship is worth saving that I want you to look for is that they're willing to address what caused the rift.
They're willing to talk about what happened.
They're not going to shove it under the rug and say,
Oh,
It wasn't that big a deal or minimize it or tell you that you're the one who needs to change.
The person is actually willing to have that uncomfortable conversation about their own behavior because relationships don't heal if you avoid the problem.
You have to be able to talk it out directly with that other person.
One of the biggest mistakes I see codependent people make is trying to stay in a relationship without actually addressing what isn't working for them.
You want to try to keep the peace or be quiet and hope it's going to get better on its own,
But often it doesn't.
And these signs are going to help you figure out what to do next.
Because if somebody really wants the relationship to work,
They're going to be willing to talk about what happened and attempt to repair it.
So the second sign a relationship is worth saving is that there's more good than bad.
So you realize that the relationship is really worth saving because most of the time things are going going reasonably well.
Some questions to ask yourself might be,
Are you respected?
Are you being treated fairly?
Or do you feel like you're anxious and walking on eggshells all the time because you're trying to avoid their temper?
We all have conflict in our relationship,
But if conflict is the norm,
That's a red flag that I really need you to pay attention to.
Because a second chance makes more sense when you have a reasonable amount of health in that relationship.
So the next sign that a relationship is worth saving is that your feelings matter to them.
This one is huge because if you're with someone who's toxic or narcissistic,
This is going to be painfully obvious.
You're going to know that your feelings actually don't matter.
In fact,
They'll turn it against you and make you question yourself and blame yourself.
And I don't want that for you.
If you're struggling in that kind of toxic relationship,
Say me too.
I'm right here with you.
And these suggestions will help you figure it out.
Because healthy relationships means making room for both people's feelings.
One person doesn't get to dominate the relationship with their wants and needs.
When each person is feeling hurt or discouraged or in pain,
The other one actually cares about that.
That's what a healthy relationship does.
When your feelings don't matter,
This is a major uphill battle.
Because here's the thing,
When your feelings don't matter,
You feel like you don't matter.
And that's not okay.
So if you're in a relationship where your feelings absolutely don't matter,
This is a really important red flag I want you to pay attention to.
Because someone who deserves a second chance actually cares about your feelings and wants to do better.
The next sign a relationship is worth saving is that they take responsibility for their actions.
So if they hurt your feelings,
If they did something that crossed the line and violated your boundaries,
They're willing to own it and say,
You know what?
I'm really sorry.
I'm willing to work on this.
I'm willing to go seek help.
I'm willing to seek therapy.
Whatever the issue is,
They're willing to do something about it.
Instead of saying things like,
You're being too sensitive,
Or gaslighting you and making you believe that you're the problem,
Not their own behavior.
So some red flag statements I want you to listen for is,
Oh,
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'm sorry,
That is not an apology.
It never is.
I can't stand when people say that because it's really implying that we have the problem and they don't.
Another one is,
If you didn't do X,
I wouldn't have had to do Y.
Subtly blaming you by giving you the message that you made me do it.
Or if they're flat-out denying,
Well,
That's not what I said.
That's not what happened.
That's a form of gaslighting that we absolutely want to highlight.
And those are the statements that are really telling you that they are not willing to be accountable for their own behavior,
Which is going to make the relationship and conflict resolution next to impossible.
And I don't want that for you.
So the next sign that tells you a relationship is worth saving is that in your gut,
You know that it's worth fighting for.
Maybe this is a family member or a close friend that has some dysfunction.
It's not a perfect relationship,
But you know that it's worth it.
You know that the person means well and that they've apologized in the past and you've been able to reasonably work out some conflicts.
This one really gets overlooked,
But I want you to pay attention to what is your intuition telling you?
Telling you to stay because you know for the most part it's worth it,
It's just difficult,
Or it's just scary to consider doing a conflict with somebody and working it out,
That's different than realizing that the person is toxic.
And a lot of people,
Especially if you're codependent,
Have spent years dismissing their intuition.
So they're not really comfortable listening to it.
But that's what I want you to do because usually your gut is either screaming at you,
Absolutely leave this relationship,
Or it could be saying,
You know what,
You gotta fight for yourself and advocate for what you need first,
And then you'll know if it's worth continuing.
Because sometimes there are steps before letting go that we need to consider,
Like telling the person how you feel,
Sharing your concerns about their behavior in a neutral way,
Learning how to regulate your emotions so you're not always getting defensive or super reactive when the other person says something hurtful.
All of these are relationship skills that are important to learn as well.
So when you imagine giving this other person a second chance,
How do you feel?
Do you feel hesitant?
Do you feel doubtful?
Or do you feel like,
Yeah,
You know what?
I do think there's some hope here.
Because that intuition is going to guide your decision making in this process.
You just have to learn how to pay attention to it.
And often the no feels tense,
Like a hesitation,
Like a,
Well,
I should.
Do it versus do you want to do it?
Because if you don't want to give that other person a second chance,
It's okay.
Sometimes the best choice is to let somebody go.
Now,
The last thing I want to say is giving somebody a second chance doesn't mean pretending that they haven't hurt you.
It means is this relationship worth saving and is that other person willing to have a conversation about it,
To look at their own behavior,
To get help if they need it,
To not blame or like you to make it your problem.
Because if they're willing to do that,
Then it's absolutely understandable for you to want to give them a second chance.
Thanks so much.
