So today I want to talk about when families feel like strangers,
The pain of emotional distance in relationships and what you can do about it.
So maybe you see this person at holidays,
At family events,
You try to chat them up,
But nothing really happens.
They don't really ask about you.
You might have a pleasant conversation about meaningless topics,
But nothing substantial,
But you want to be closer.
But emotionally,
They feel more like an acquaintance than a family member.
It hurts.
I call these family acquaintances.
I've had a few myself and I know how painful they are.
If you have a family acquaintance,
Say me too in the comments.
This video is going to help.
So when it comes to family,
We expect family to be close,
Right?
We expect them to care about our lives and to be there for us when bad things happen or when there's a crisis.
But as you probably know,
That doesn't always happen,
Especially if you come from a dysfunctional family where people don't necessarily support each other or you.
And the truth is we don't get to pick our family of origin.
We get what we get.
And sometimes that means family members that we're not going to necessarily connect with or they're not really capable of having the kind of relationship we want with them.
So what is a family acquaintance?
It's basically someone that you have a superficial relationship with.
You might see them a few times a year.
You might talk about the weather,
The kids,
Your work,
But nothing nothing really meaningful.
And it might even feel empty because you want more.
You want them to be there for you emotionally as you grow older.
But they may know very little about who you actually are.
And what's confusing about these kind of relationships is that there's really no conflict that you're aware of.
And sometimes that's even more difficult to understand.
I know for me,
I've had this with certain family members where I reach out,
I try to connect with them,
Just very little coming back to me.
And it used to make me feel super sad,
Like they didn't love me,
But I realized in my codependency recovery that that wasn't necessarily true.
And with family,
We do tend to expect more.
You might think,
My sister should want to be closer to me,
Or my dad should want to get to know me,
Or why doesn't my brother ever call me,
Right?
These are super common things to wonder about when you have a family acquaintance,
Because it does feel awkward.
And it's super painful.
Or you might think,
Why am I always making the effort?
And the one that really gets to me,
Which I've asked myself is,
How come they're close to other people but not me?
And that's where we get ourselves into trouble because at that point you're taking it personally and you're making the relationship mean something about your self-worth and that's not fair.
Someone's inability to be close doesn't mean that you're unlovable or that something's wrong with you.
And there are reasons why we have family acquaintances.
Here's a few.
The first one is you may be just very different people.
I know for me this one I've noticed a lot where I've tried to connect with certain family members,
And we just don't have enough in common.
There's just nothing really there to bond us.
And that's okay.
That isn't about them or me.
It's just sort of an incompatibility issue.
Or the other person might not have the emotional capabilities that you want them to have.
Especially when we're doing deep recovery work,
We're much more open to sharing who we are and how we feel and our deeper experiences.
And many people don't necessarily want to go there.
But understanding the differences between their limitations and your worth is where the healing starts.
Because what if this wasn't about you?
What if this really was simply about a mismatch or having different values or just not having a place to mutually connect?
So instead of asking yourself,
Why can't they reach out to me?
Why don't they want a relationship with me?
Ask yourself,
What does this person consistently show up as?
And that is usually your answer because every time I get into wanting a family acquaintance to be a deeper connection,
I always go back to compatibility because most of the time that's the issue.
It's not that they're bad or wrong or I'm bad or wrong.
It's simply a mismatch in relationship.
And that's okay.
That's part of life.
We're not going to be close to everyone we meet.
So what's the answer?
Let the relationship be what it is.
And if you're in codependency recovery,
That's hard because you want to fix it.
You want to get close.
You want to figure it out.
And believe me,
I've tried doing this many times over the years until I realized,
You know what,
It just doesn't work.
We can't make somebody want a deeper relationship with us,
But we can accept what's already there.
And sometimes that can build a bridge to a healthier connection because they don't feel the pressure of us trying to get close to them.
Because having realistic expectations of your family acquaintance is going to be a game changer.
Because imagine if you're expecting your sister to check on you after a crisis,
But she's never done that.
Or you expect your mom to be more emotional and validating of your feelings,
But she's never done that.
That.
This requires changing your expectations and letting go of what you wish you had with that family member and that doesn't mean you don't care.
It means you're paying attention to reality.
You're seeing what's in front of you and accepting it and I'm not saying that doesn't hurt because it does.
I've done this work for a long time and every time I deal with a family acquaintance it does hurt because I do want more and you're not wrong for wanting more.
It's just you're going to set yourself up for more pain,
The more you try to change that relationship because that other person can only go so far and you can't make them go the rest of the way.
So sometimes that means stepping back and asking yourself,
Does this person ever reach out?
Do they show interest in me?
Do they make an effort?
Because healthy relationships require some reciprocity,
Some balance of give and take because that keeps relationships healthy.
Thing you're going to want to do when dealing with a family acquaintance that feels like a stranger is you're going to need to grieve.
Grieve the loss of what you wish you had,
Especially if it's a close family member like a sibling or a parent.
This is really hard because for me,
The older I get,
The more precious family becomes.
It's really hard to really accept that some people are never going to get close to you.
And that's about them.
That's not about who you are and your value as a person.
And acceptance doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
It just means you're not fighting it anymore.
That is gonna help you eventually feel better.
Accepting who they are so that you can invest in relationships that can go deeper and to find those people that you can find a healthier connection with.
Because sometimes family doesn't have to be blood relatives.
A lot of people these days create their own family with friends,
With their communities,
With people that they trust in 12-step programs.
There's a lot of different ways you can create family.
And I think that can be very empowering in this healing process when we're looking at our dysfunctional family.
Because it doesn't mean we have to leave our family of origin.
It just may mean that we're not gonna expect them to be different than who they really are.
And family acquaintances are increasingly common these days because when you do this work,
Your definition of relationship is going to change and that's a good thing.
But that doesn't mean the other person is going to want that deeper connection.
So recovery really means letting go of any attempts to make the relationship different or better or closer.
And this is where we're surrendering to what is.
You stop chasing.
You stop trying to figure it out.
You stop trying to convince them to care.
And you can be kind and see them at family gatherings and have a nice conversation with them,
But don't expect them to go deeper.
You might find as a result that you can build a new connection over something fun or a mutual interest,
Something that doesn't have that emotional weight to it.
And that's where practicing detachment comes in.
This is where you are really just letting go of what the other person is or isn't doing.
It doesn't mean cutting them off.
About deciding how much access you want them to have to you based on the relationship you actually have.
So you might not decide to pick up the phone every single time they call for help because they don't really pick up the phone for you.
So what I really want to support you with is to not take it personally when you have a family acquaintance,
Practice acceptance and have realistic expectations,
And seek to build the family you want because People are out there,
And sometimes friends can be the family we always wanted.
Thanks so much.
