Hello everyone,
Terry here.
So today I just wanted to talk a little bit about the worried parent.
So this was my archetype and I want to share a little bit about coming alongside our young people and this was a lesson for me in connection and letting go.
So I'm going to share a moment from my life that just taught me an invaluable lesson about connection,
Communication and most importantly letting go.
My daughter was withdrawn,
She was hiding in her room,
Retreating behind closed doors and avoiding my questions.
Every attempt I'd make to check in,
To understand how she was doing was just generally met with silence or she'd give me vague responses like I don't know or I can't remember or worse she'd say nothing at all and say this would leave me feeling helpless honestly.
What I actually wanted to know was if she was okay because if she was okay I thought that I could be okay.
But here's the thing,
I was all caught up in that belief.
I just kind of built this formula in my mind that her well-being equals my well-being all unconscious of course and that entanglement was driving everything I said and did.
So the more I asked,
The more I probed,
The more she shut down.
Nothing I was doing was working.
So I had to pause and take a hard look at my approach.
I turned to the conscious parenting teachers I'd studied and I began to see the situation through a different lens and what I came to understand was this.
My daughter's experience of me was one of,
I hate to say it,
But suffocation.
I was asking all the questions,
You know,
How are you?
Are you okay?
What's going on?
What do you think about this?
I wasn't leaving any space for her and I didn't know it at the time but it wasn't connection.
It was me just trying to keep communication alive like a one-sided conversation I was too scared to let go of and it was overwhelming her.
So I realized I needed a dramatic shift,
A pivot if you like,
And for me that pivot came in the form of silence.
I thought I'd try it on,
Literally silence.
I even adopted a physical gesture to help myself along so it was like a finger on my lips whenever I felt the urge to speak,
To ask,
To suggest or to teach.
I'd just have to stop myself.
I'd put my finger on my mouth and I'd ask myself,
Is what I'm about to say truly necessary?
Will it have a positive outcome or am I just trying to fill the space?
Trust me it wasn't easy.
It took a lot of practice but once I stopped talking something incredible actually began to happen.
My daughter,
Less suffocated by my constant need to engage her,
Little by little began to open up.
Now this process took time.
We had a lot to rebuild because I'd been so overly invested in worrying about her over the years and here's what I learned.
My worry wasn't helping.
In fact it was doing the opposite.
It was bringing her anxiety.
You see I was operating under this idea that if she wasn't okay I couldn't be okay but her experience of that was if my mum's so worried about me there must be something wrong with me.
Every question I asked,
Every look of concern I gave her,
Knowingly or unknowingly and typically it was unconscious but it was sending her the message,
You're not okay,
Something's wrong.
Now when I learned that from my teachers,
Dr Shefali then Dr Gabor Mate and many other teachers of wisdom actually,
That was a hard truth for me to face.
My love and concern,
What I had thought were signs of care,
Were being experienced by her as judgment and pressure and as the saying goes,
Once you know something you can't unknow it.
So I shifted my approach.
I stopped asking questions.
I stopped offering advice.
I stopped trying to fix anything.
Every now and again I still have to catch myself on this but instead I took on board the teachings and I came alongside her and you might wonder what that looked like.
Well sometimes that meant literally sitting in silence,
No agenda,
Just being there with my ears open and my heart ready to listen.
So when she did speak I didn't rush to respond or offer solutions and instead I'd nod or I'd hum gently.
I'd say things like hmm okay and that was it.
At first I could see she was a bit sceptical.
I could see her wondering what's going on here with my mum.
So I decided to be transparent and I was acting quite differently.
So I said listen love,
I've realised that actually all I've done is talk at you for a very long time,
Giving advice,
Asking questions and I guess generally worrying out loud about you and that's not fair to you.
I've made it about me.
I've realised that and I'm sorry.
I said something like there's nothing wrong with you and I don't want to make you feel that way so I'm going to try something new.
Now that honesty and humility helped ease the transition so she didn't feel abandoned or confused by my silence and she got curious and actually understood where I was coming from.
It made sense to her and I have to be honest over time this shift was profound.
She began to share more on her terms in her own way.
She's still a private person and she probably always will be but now when something important's on her mind she feels safe enough to bring it to the table.
So in closing this experience taught me that sometimes connection isn't about doing more,
It's about doing less.
It's about letting go of the need to fix,
To question,
To control.
It's actually about creating space,
Coming alongside the people we love and showing them that they're okay just as they are and I just wanted to share this.
If you find yourself in a similar situation whether it's with a child,
Your partner or a friend,
I wonder if you can ask yourself,
Number one,
Am I trying too hard to fix or manage this?
And number two,
How can I simply be with them without an agenda?
Sometimes the most profound connection comes in the quiet moments when we're simply listening with no need to say a word.
So thank you for listening to me.
Goodbye.
