Hello and welcome Superstar to this secret podcast episode.
I'm super excited that we're doing this and today is a special day as well,
Right?
It's the start of the year of the firehorse.
I actually want to ask you a question related to that.
Have you ever sat on the couch with your partner after a long work day,
Turned on the series and five minutes in you grab your phone just to complete one more task and then your partner looks at you and asks,
Honey are you even watching?
And you're sitting there thinking inside,
Fuck I'm so on edge I cannot even sit down,
Relax and watch a show.
Now if this rings a bell let me just say it's not your fault,
You're not alone.
Been there done that.
But contrary to what most people think,
The solution for this is also not found in your time management.
At least not majority of it.
In this podcast episode,
I'm going to take you behind the scenes of a real as fuck coaching session I had with a new client the other day.
And if you recognize yourself in this story,
Stay with me here,
Okay?
This might shift something deeper than another productivity hack ever could.
Alright,
If you're like most of my clients,
I know that you're a powerhouse,
Okay?
You are a fucking superstar here to make a real impact in the world leading from your heart.
Because you're not just here to clock into a 9 to 5 not really caring about what you do,
You do care.
And on top of that,
You're really good at what you do as well.
You hit your deadlines,
You show up to your meetings prepared,
You serve your clients and your team,
And if you're a mom,
You get the kids to school,
Coordinate pickups,
Homework,
Groceries,
Birthday parties,
And on top of that,
You somehow also put dinner on the table.
So let's be honest,
You kind of already know how to manage your time brilliantly,
Right?
Now this is the reality of many high-achieving female leaders independently of whether they run their own business or hold a management position.
Now recently here in the south of Spain,
We celebrated a carnival where people dressed up in costumes.
And I was like,
Oh my god,
That's exactly what so many ambitious working moms are asked to do every day.
To dress up as superwoman.
And the wild part is,
When you're a superwoman,
The way you are,
You're actually good at it.
You perform it well.
Even though it has gotten better over the years,
I'm still wondering how can our society,
Without proper systemic,
Structural,
And emotional support,
Expect women to keep showing up like that every damn day while skyrocketing in their career or business?
Then it's no wonder that according to a recent study,
81% of working moms face burnout while managing it all,
Often carrying the extra burden of being the default parent.
It's just crazy,
Right?
But today isn't about fixing the system.
Today,
It's about what's happening inside your body.
Now this topic that we're about to discuss is not only business for me.
It is deeply personal.
Coming from a single working mom who constantly was on the edge herself,
As a child I often didn't feel like I got the emotional presence that I needed.
But as I grew up,
I adopted much of the perfectionistic and people-pleaser as well as internal pressure tendencies from my mom,
Right?
My mom,
Just like any other mom out there,
Has done the best that she could with the awareness and the tools that she had,
Right?
So this is never about a blame game.
This is about something deeper.
And maybe you're coming from a parent like that too.
And probably that's also what allowed you,
Just like me,
To accelerate in your career and reach your goals.
Other people with your background,
With your story,
They wouldn't have reached it.
Put differently,
You're a fucking cycle breaker here to redefine success on your own terms so your family and the people around you have an even better life.
And maybe right now you're at a point where I was twice in my life.
Once,
About a decade ago in my consulting career,
And a few years ago when I started my own business.
Feeling overwhelmed,
Exhausted,
And maybe even burnt out.
And that's exactly why I don't just teach from books.
I have actually lived this experience.
And I know that women like us,
We don't want pity.
Because we're self-aware,
Strong,
And highly capable.
We want someone who holds us to our high standards softly,
Compassionately,
But without pushing or rushing us.
Because we already had enough of that.
Let me tell you a story of my client the other day.
She's a marketing director and she came to me and said,
Janel,
I feel overwhelmed.
I am considering a four-day work week.
I know my boss would do it because he does it.
But then two people out of my team want to work four days as well and we are already understaffed,
Which is why I feel stretched so thin.
And the last month I actually pulled 80 hour weeks.
Unfortunately,
This is not the first time I hear it.
This is a common theme amongst the ambitious businesswomen that I work with.
And having been there myself,
That's when I asked her,
How many hours per week have you worked on average last year?
Knowing that contractually her work week is 40 hours,
Okay?
And what do you think she said?
How many hours per week on average did she work past year?
It wasn't 40.
Nope.
She said 55 hours on average.
And I paused,
Not because I was speechless,
But because what I was about to say wasn't comfortable.
Now,
As you already see in my spaces,
We dress to express.
We don't sugarcoat or dilute truth,
Even if it might be uncomfortable.
Because that's literally my job.
That's literally why I'm placed on earth,
To be a guide,
To be a mirror,
To be a facilitator,
And above all,
To be a fucking activator.
My energy is activating and I know it,
Honey.
And if you're honest with yourself,
That's a little bit the reason why you're here too.
And this was also exactly the point for her.
And that's when I mirrored directly,
But compassionately,
Back to her.
My love,
You are running on urgency.
And it doesn't matter if you work four days per week contractually,
Because right now you're also working contractually 40 hours per week,
But you're actually pulling 55 hours per week.
So unless you remove urgency and install peace and presence into your nervous system,
If you were to go down to a four-day work week,
Meaning 32 hours per week contract,
You'd probably anyway pull 45 hours per week,
Right?
And when I told her that,
I saw in her eyes,
Something inside her was waking up and realizing she didn't actually just want a four-day work week.
She wanted rest and that was the way she believed she could have it.
But the truth of the matter was that with the time that she had available,
Her nervous system didn't allow her to rest because it had forgotten how to.
AKA finding yourself after work,
With nothing to do,
Your kids asleep,
On the couch,
With your task.
Now I'm saying this with laughter,
But of course it's not funny,
Right?
And again,
It's not our fault because it's literally our nervous system,
Our system running us on autopilot.
So we want to take it one level deeper so it really hits.
And that's when I asked my client,
What is your hourly rate?
And she looked at me a little confused,
I have to say.
By the way,
I'm asking you this now too.
What is your hourly rate?
I want you to calculate that.
And when you have that number,
Okay?
When you have your hourly rate,
Multiply it by the amount of overtime you have been working this month.
And I'm not just talking about you have your laptop open,
Okay?
I'm also talking about the little emails that you send from your phone,
Or the little lists that you make as you're trying to organize your thoughts,
Or the little things that you're trying to figure out while you're asleep in your dream,
Okay?
You're still working overtime.
Then what I want you to do next is to multiply that amount of months you have been putting in overtime.
So for example,
Let's say that your hourly rate is 50 bucks,
Okay?
And you're pulling 20 hours of overtime every week.
You calculate 50 times 20.
And when you do that,
You see that you get to the number 1,
000.
And then I want you to multiply that by 4 for the month.
So 4,
000.
And then let's just say you have been doing this amount of overtime for the entire year.
So I want you to multiply the 4,
000 times 12,
Okay?
Now hear me out.
The amount you see on the calculator is the amount you paid your company for emptying your battery,
For robbing you of your peace,
For stealing time from your family,
Your friends,
Your life quality,
Okay?
Now if you're anything like my client,
You might look at the number right now and you go like,
Shit,
This hurts.
Yes,
I know.
And I'm sorry,
It hurts.
And we let that sit for a moment.
And this is what I told my client next.
And I'm also going to tell you,
Yes,
It's supposed to hurt.
Because sometimes we need to feel the pain of the pattern that has been keeping us stuck in a reality we no longer desire.
So we're actually driven to change it.
And that exact moment for her was the catalyst.
She walked out of our session having identified the exact points where she put in the extra 15 hours per week,
The exact things to cut,
And an action plan to enforce this change that's also retraining her nervous system for presence mode,
Not urgency mode.
Now,
Superstar,
What I'm about to say is really important.
Take note.
I'm a queer woman,
But I'm going to give it to you straight.
You are not disorganized.
You are dysregulated.
And no one told you the difference.
Because when your nervous system is stuck in urgency mode,
Now is the only time it knows.
That's when even a short work week or better time management won't do because you'd subconsciously anyway reach out for the next thing to do.
When rest feels wrong and stillness feels uncomfortable,
Then it's no wonder that when you finally sit down on the couch with your partner consciously to actually want to enjoy the show,
Your body is still scanning for the next task,
Going like,
Okay,
What can I do?
What can I do next?
What can I do next?
What can I do next?
It's not because you love overworking.
Of course not.
You're smart as hell.
It's because urgency mode has become your baseline.
It has become your normal.
And when we're in urgency,
We are losing ourselves.
But the good thing is then when we are shifting back to presence mode,
We're actually finding ourselves again.
So how do you know whether urgency is running your system?
For example,
When you are playing with your child,
But you're mentally at work,
Your nervous system never really resets.
When you finally want to relax,
You can't because you never gave your body a signal of actual,
And this one is important,
Safety.
You only gave it productivity.
And when we're at that stage,
Our body literally has learned that resting,
Not being productive,
Is unsafe.
This is why it's constantly scanning your environment for,
What more thing is there to complete?
What can I do next?
What can I do next?
But when your mind,
Your heart,
And your body align in presence,
Not only you feel safe to actually be there,
But your child feels it as well.
Your child will feel that you are more emotionally available to them in this moment.
And it is exactly that presence that is what makes you find yourself again and you get to experience this joy and to just sit there with your kids and you just go like,
Oh my god,
I'm having so much fun playing with them.
And you see it in them too because they're lighting up even more.
The chances are higher that there is less of a need of them actively wanting to grab your attention because you are just there.
Your presence is literally giving them your attention and there's no need for them to act out.
So especially when you're a mom,
This is why I said this is a personal,
Really really personal topic for me,
Is you're not only doing this for yourself,
You're doing this for your children,
For the people that are literally in your direct environment that you get to nurture.
Being a mom,
It is the greatest responsibility that you can have in this world.
I have so much respect towards moms,
So so fucking much.
And I'm so grateful that I have the mom that I have.
And if you're listening to this,
Absolute invite when your mom's still here on earth or even if she has already transitioned,
Send her your gratitude because this woman gave you life.
This woman gave you life.
And yes,
She might have not been perfect,
But she's done it just like you are doing it now.
No one of us is perfect,
Yet we're here.
We're impacting the people we love,
The people around us by being really truly authentically ourselves.
And that is the gift.
Got a little off track here.
Now what I want you to try tonight to really rewire this urgency pattern is notice how your body feels when there's nothing to solve.
And if you're a mom listening to this,
Please do this when your child is asleep.
And if you're blessed with a partner,
Tell them please take care of it should something arise,
Because I really want you to gift just five minutes,
Just five minutes to yourself,
OK?
And do this before you open your laptop,
Your phone,
Your inbox,
Social media.
Just do this for yourself.
Five minutes.
Sit on the couch for five minutes.
No phone,
No TV,
No multitasking.
Just sit and just notice how this feels in your body.
And if that feels uncomfortable,
Just know that it is normal that it feels uncomfortable because we're literally not trained to just sit in silence,
Right?
There's a screen here,
Another screen there.
We're multitasking,
Second screening around,
Notifications are popping up everywhere.
But if you notice that it feels uncomfortable,
You might notice as well that your body immediately searches for something to complete.
And I want you to know that this is not laziness.
That's just,
And I'm going to say it,
It's just urgency addiction.
Or put differently,
That's your nervous system asking to be rewired,
To be fucking rewired for more presence,
To just stay grounded in the moment,
You know,
Like life is supporting me.
It's OK.
I can rest here.
It is safe for me to rest.
It's rest is productive,
Honey.
I want you to imagine this instead.
And really,
Please close your eyes for this.
Unless you're driving,
Then keep them open.
You finish your work,
You close your laptop and you don't reopen it five minutes later,
OK?
You sit next to your partner and you're just there,
Not just pretending to unwind or rest,
But you're actually enjoying the presence of yourself and of your partner.
And when you play with your child,
Your head is quiet.
And when you speak up in meetings,
It's without internal going back and forth.
You work less,
Not just because you manage your time better,
But because your nervous system no longer equates pressure with value,
Because you know you're valuable independently of what you do.
And that's exactly what regulation gives you.
It does not only give you more time,
Although I will say that you will perceive the present moment to actually expand,
To be longer.
But regulation gives you capacity.
Because the truth is this.
You do not need another productivity system.
You need someone who understands how your nervous system is driving your leadership,
Who understands the in and outs,
Who sees when urgency is again dressed up in pretty ambition.
Of course,
That level of work that starts with clarity first.
And so I invite you to not just listen to this episode,
But to actually take the notes,
Dissect it,
Go deeper,
Observe yourself,
Observe your patterns.
And if this episode one way or another felt a little bit uncomfortably accurate,
If you recognized yourself in the superwoman costume,
That's your sign that you do need that regulation.
You already know that you're here to change gears,
To go into presence mode,
And that you're done with letting urgency run your calendar,
Run how you experience the moments with your family,
With your friends.
This is for the woman who goes like,
I know myself,
And these are the parts where I don't recognize myself,
Okay?
Because it is exactly in those corners that we're gonna look at and we're gonna take out what needs to be taken out so that you recognize again who the fuck you really are.
Also,
I totally would love to know,
When you've listened all the way up to here,
How did you enjoy this podcast episode?
What were your key takeaways?
At least one,
Okay?
At least one key takeaway.
You're here for it!
You know it!
I had so much fun recording this for you,
You have no idea.
I'm super excited because while this was a secret podcast episode,
It might not be the last,
But for that,
Stay tuned.
And in the meantime,
I wish you that you start this beautiful new year of the firehorse from grounded fire,
Grounded bold fire that lifts you up and doesn't burn you out.
Sending you so much love,
Superstar,
And hopefully hear you next time.
