The love of a good witness.
This is the part where you might feel like a ghost,
Wandering through the burning ruins of your love life and looking around like it belongs to someone else.
This is where it begins.
This is the crash.
And when I say crash,
I'm referring to the space between when the breakup becomes real and when you begin to somewhat function again.
This is the space where you can't eat,
Sleep,
Or hold a conversation.
You might just be going through the motions,
If you can even muster the motions.
You might not even really feel the crash,
Not at first.
You might be cushioned by shock.
Instead of registering the core shattering news,
You might simply be surrounded by a numbness you don't recognize.
Did this breakup really happen?
There must be some kind of mistake,
Right?
We are supposed to be together.
The good news is that if you are in shock,
That means you have survived.
Breakup shock helps our hearts climb out of the wreckage so that we can find some distance from the crash,
A safe distance to take in what has happened and to let it land.
And from there,
You'll be able to slowly gather the strength to begin to heal.
You'll get there.
Don't rush.
Being here is an important part of your story.
Historically,
My breakups went to little something like this.
Someone would say,
I just can't do this anymore.
And then,
The landscape around me would feel light years away.
My shock was usually doughy but short-lived,
Like a local anesthetic.
I could see the crash happening,
But in super slow motion.
Everything I believed in seemed to break like glass into tiny diamond stars.
I stood still as the stars floated through my life,
Taking the walls down with them.
I would see my home and dreams fall to dust mid-creation,
My lungs choked on the powder of ruin.
My voice disappeared.
I would feel my heart evaporating and taking me with it,
While somehow,
The shell of my body remained.
And walking into the kitchen for no reason,
I'd know that the real pain was on its way,
Any minute now.
So obviously,
I had a theatrical imagination and a capacity for drama,
But the point is,
I was paying close attention to these experiences,
Almost as if I knew I was doing research for a book.
Almost.
I didn't want to be any kind of expert on breakups,
Of course.
Nobody does.
And you didn't want to be here listening to an audio about breakups,
But here we are.
I have wisdom to share with you,
Because in each crash I've been in,
I've also been the witness.
The one who was at the scene,
The one taking in the details as much as her flawed human memory can.
Sometimes I was the one who just couldn't do this anymore.
I couldn't continue pretending that love was enough.
I couldn't keep trying to convince someone we had something worth fighting for.
I used to think I was the one always being left,
But looking back,
I see how some relationships ended in my heart long before I had the courage to speak the truth.
I waited to be pushed before walking away.
I also have witnessed the crashes of others,
Friends of course,
And coaching clients,
Both those who were left and those who did the leaving,
And those who still aren't sure what really happened.
We all move through the crash in our own ways.
Some of us barely function,
And others continue in a calm,
Efficient state of shock for weeks or months or even years after the official breakup.
But even an unreliable witness can be a gift when it comes to crashes of the heart.
And let's face it,
We are all unreliable witnesses in one way or another.
Emotional landscapes filter how we navigate physical experiences.
My walls didn't really shatter and burst into a night sky.
My denial did.
And my home didn't fall to ruin.
My ex married someone else in the backyard a few years later and continued on with our renovation plans.
The house is fine.
And you know what?
So am I.
Was it dramatic?
Absolutely.
Did it feel true at the time?
Yes.
Allowing the truth of your experience is the first way you can love yourself through this.
Don't worry.
Your truth can and will change in the arms of that love.
Consider your first witnessing to be a rough draft.
It's best if you don't edit.
Get it all out.
Use pencil.
It is only the beginning.
Every crash deserves the love of a good witness.
Someone who says,
I was there.
And yes,
This happened.
A witness is someone who knows you were not alone.
You did not imagine this.
I have heard it said that it's the highest honor to witness a life.
When we pause to give our exclusive attention to something so profoundly human,
Witnessing is an act of love.
This is how you must love yourself now.
You are the witness of your own crash.
Right now.
Be here.
Take it in.
In the very first moments of the crash,
You don't even know what you have lost yet.
You can only see that everything has changed and that a mighty big cleanup will need to happen.
The kind of cleanup that could take a long time.
Take this in.
Just observe.
Look around.
Without judgment.
Without panic.
You don't have to do anything.
Just bear witness.
In these days ahead,
Make it your intention to bear witness to your crash.
All you need to do is bring your attention to what is right here in front of you right now.
And keep on doing that.
A witness doesn't make up stories.
They don't interpret or explain the things we can't see.
A witness is witnessing.
They name what they see right now.
Right now,
You are listening to this audio,
For example.
Right now,
How is the light?
What are you wearing?
Where are you?
How does the air feel?
What else can you hear?
Imagine this,
This moment now is a scene from a movie of your life.
Imagine you'll need to describe it in detail to someone else later on.
What will you need to remember?
Witness the details.
Witness the lack of details.
What can't you see or feel right now?
Even in shock,
You can still witness.
That is all.
Take it in.
Witness your vulnerability,
Your indifference,
Your resistance.
This is an act of love.
