Welcome to the happiness podcast.
I'm Dr.
Robert Puff.
As we go through life and have experiences,
Sometimes we discover that we have strengths and sometimes we discover that we have weaknesses,
Things that we could get better at.
One of the beautiful things about happiness is unlike other things,
Say our physical health or our mental acuity,
Is that as we get older,
We can increase our level of happiness and keep getting better,
More peaceful,
More happy,
And truly just a better quality of life overall.
And though we can keep growing to our dying breath and nothing externally can keep us from this growth,
We might,
However,
Stop growing.
But why would we do this if we can keep getting our lives better?
Why wouldn't we?
Why wouldn't we invest and put forth effort in time to keep getting better?
Well,
The biggest issue with change and growth is it does make us uncomfortable when we learn a new skill,
Whatever it may be.
For example,
Let's say we want to learn how to be more patient with people and we're not very patient.
Initially,
We have to really think about it and say,
Okay,
Right now I really want to lash out at this person.
I don't want to do that.
So I need to stop,
Be calm,
And then think of something else to do instead of lashing out.
It takes effort.
It takes time to change.
And after a while,
After our long days,
After our long years,
After our long lives,
A lot of people just say,
I don't care.
I just want to live my life,
Enjoy life,
And not worry about change anymore or getting better.
So what we're cultivating is habits.
Habits get in place,
And if they're good habits,
They stay in place.
But if they're bad habits,
They stay in place.
And the longer they're in place,
The stronger they become.
So if we want to grow,
If we want to improve our lives,
We have to look at ourselves truthfully and say,
Okay,
What are my strengths?
What do I want to keep doing?
Because it's really good for me.
Let's say we work out every day.
That would be a good one to hang on to.
But let's say we lash out at people and are angry a lot.
That would be one we want to work on and get better at.
And that takes effort.
It takes time.
It takes diligence.
It takes many things to change that habit.
Any habit can be changed because it's just habits.
But we have to put forth effort to change a habit.
And what happens to a vast majority of people is they just get comfortable and they want to stay the same.
They like the way that things have been.
They don't want to put forth effort because it makes them uncomfortable.
And they'd rather just stay the way they are,
Even if the way they are makes them very uncomfortable.
I mean,
Think about our children.
When we have children,
We put them in all kinds of things,
Learning new languages,
Sporting events,
Artistic expressions.
There's so many things they get exposed to and they enjoy it.
And we enjoy letting them get exposed to it.
But as we get older,
Often that desire for change,
That desire for growth,
That desire to explore our world gets smaller and smaller.
And what people like to do is what they've done before.
They're really not comfortable or willing to try something new,
Even though children love it.
And we really encourage our kids to try new things.
But rarely as parents are we willing to try new things too.
And mostly it's just habits we have in place and an unwillingness to change these habits.
I mean,
If they're good habits,
We don't need to change them.
But if they're not good habits,
We just resist because the pain of changing them is so much.
We'd rather keep that pain rather than change,
No matter how painful it is.
And I can use a really good example to illustrate this.
A colleague of mine used to work at UCLA and she had one job and one job and she had one job and one job only is when people needed a new heart.
She decided who got that heart transplant and who didn't.
And I asked her,
Well,
What do you look for?
I mean,
People are going to die if you don't say they get it.
And she said,
It's very simple.
I just look for people that really want to live and are willing to make changes in their life.
So that new heart,
So that the old habits they had in place,
It got their old heart in trouble.
When they get the new heart,
They're going to make changes so their new heart can stay healthy in their bodies.
And it was all about change.
They needed to change.
And if they didn't,
They were going to die.
And the most shocking thing to me was most people were not willing to change.
They wanted the new heart,
But they weren't willing to change their lifestyle to keep that new heart healthy in them.
So most of them didn't get it and they died.
So even when facing death,
We resist change,
But we can change at any age.
Yesterday,
I was at a seminar and there was a man there I was having lunch with.
He was just over 80 years old.
And he told me he had been diagnosed with diabetes a few years back,
But he changed his diet.
He changed his exercise and he didn't need to be on any medication for the diabetes because he made changes and he was over 80 years old.
We can always change at any age,
But we have to be willing to.
And when it's time to make changes,
We do need to make them.
I'm going to read an email from one of our listeners who asked me a question.
I think it's a good question because I feel it's about change.
And I want to address it so that we can see in our own lives if we have similar questions,
How we too can effectively create change in our lives.
She writes,
Dr.
Puff,
I've been listening to your podcast for about a year now.
I have found the episodes to be very helpful,
But I'm still struggling with communicating my needs and feelings.
I had an abusive relationship in my past and my mother and my grandmother also had this relationship pattern.
I'm engaged in getting married in April and I'm concerned that my tendency to not want my partner or others to be mad at me is going to hurt me in the end.
My fiance is a very assertive person who can easily speak his mind.
So it frustrates us both that I cannot do the same.
Do you address standing up for your needs or being assertive with your feelings in any of your podcasts?
I don't want to create destructive fights in my relationship,
But I also would like to be able to communicate my negative emotions.
But given my conditioning,
I'm not sure if I know how to.
Thank you for all you do,
Lainey.
So Lainey is clearly a beautiful soul and she's wise because she realizes there's areas in her life that she still needs to grow in and get better at,
In this case,
Being assertive in a kind,
Loving way.
She's aware of her conditioning,
Both her own and her mother's and her grandmother's,
And conditioning can be very powerful,
Particularly when it's been going on for years and is multi-generational.
I'll address her concern in just a moment,
But I do want to continue to talk about the importance of growth and learning and getting better.
We can always get better no matter what,
But we have to acknowledge this is a weakness of ours and not pretend it doesn't exist or just,
In quotes,
Live with it because a lot of people do.
They're in abusive relationships that are not good for others.
They're in abusive relationships that they just live with and never get better.
If we truly want to have beautiful lives and keep improving,
We need to do that,
Keep improving.
And change can be hard.
That's often why we don't do it.
But when we're aware that something needs to change,
That truly is the beginning of change.
Then what we need to do is start making the change.
So let me now address Lainey's case.
She wants to be more assertive.
I think that's awesome.
She's realizing that being in an abusive relationship is in her pattern,
Which is really wise of her.
So now she can make changes.
And she's also engaged with someone who is very self-assertive,
As she says.
And here's really the secret sauce of any form of change.
In order for change to be effective,
We have to be open and we have to be willing to try a variety of things.
Some things may work for us,
Other things may not.
But if we're willing to say,
Okay,
I'm committed to change,
I'm going to work on becoming more self-assertive,
There's a lot of ways I can address this.
I could take a class,
I could get into therapy,
I could explore a variety of ways of speaking my mind.
I could confront or even talk to my fiance and say,
Hmm,
How do I help him become less assertive and me become more assertive?
How do we do this?
And she can see if he's willing to work with that.
And if he isn't,
That might be something she needs to consider going forward.
So there are many ways we can change.
And in self-assertion,
A lot of it boils down to willing to speak our voice,
Say it,
But in a kind way.
I think when we say things too harshly,
Particularly when we're not self-assertive,
We tend to shut down because we don't want to hurt other people's feelings.
So when we're being assertive,
We have to use a lot of I language.
I feel this way,
Not you.
You language is more attacking,
More like saying,
I feel that and then fill in the blank.
For example,
Let's say there's a dispute over where we spend our time together.
The other person just always says what they want to do and we don't say anything.
Or if we do,
They get mad.
So we may say something like this.
I do want my voice heard when we do things.
I want it heard half the time.
I don't want to be in control.
I just want to be heard half the time.
So when we do something and you say what you want and I say what I want,
My voice needs to be heard.
So one way we could do this is when we're going to do something is half the time we do what I want and half the time we do what you want,
Unless we both agree and then we can do what we want.
And having that voice is a really great way to be more self-assertive.
The one thing I like to teach couples particularly is this little trick.
When we have to make a decision,
We really have three choices.
One is to agree,
Very simple.
The second one is to take turns and the third one is a compromise.
And I often use this as an example.
Let's say we want to go on vacation and we both want to go to Hawaii.
Great,
So we go to Hawaii.
But let's say our partner wants to go to Hawaii and we want to go to New York City.
So taking turns would be,
Well this year we'll go to Hawaii,
But next year we're going to New York City.
Our compromise might be instead of going to Hawaii or New York City,
Let's go to Denver,
Colorado.
Now here's the tricky part about self-assertion.
Absolutely state your voice.
Absolutely say it kindly.
You don't need to scream it,
You just need to say it.
Now if the other person doesn't listen,
If the other person just talks louder over you,
Then that's their issue.
And then you need to confront that and if they still don't back down,
Then you're either going to need to get help or say,
I'm not sure this is going to work unless you can hear me.
I'm not going to scream,
I'm not going to yell,
I'm just going to state what my needs are and I would like to hear what your needs are.
And we can work towards agreeing,
Compromising,
Or taking turns.
And that's it.
But if my voice isn't heard or if you try to shout me down,
Then we're going to need to think about perhaps going different ways or not being together or getting into counseling until you do start treating me as your equal.
So that's really the key of self-assertion,
Having a voice and making sure you're with people wherever it is that they listen to your voice and remind them to listen.
And when they don't keep reminding them and if they don't,
Then you have to make a decision.
Do I stay or do I leave?
And if you stay and they keep shouting you down,
Then that really isn't their issue anymore.
It's yours.
So then you look at and say,
Okay,
Why am I staying in an abusive relationship?
Usually,
Like I said,
It's just conditioning.
You don't feel good about yourself.
So get help.
Get people that will support you,
Get people that will love you and hang out with them,
Whether it's in counseling,
Whether it's with a support group or whether it's with people that just dearly love you.
But staying in a relationship that's abusive is never good for any of us.
We need help to get out because we're conditioned to stay.
But with help,
With time,
We can change anything.
It may take it may take time.
I get that.
But if we work on it,
Like in life in general,
When we work on things and we keep improving,
Guess what?
We're just going to keep getting better.
And that's what this podcast is about today.
Keep getting better.
Keep the areas that are good,
Keep them.
But the areas that we know I could get better at that,
Then get better at it.
Be committed to change,
To change until the day we die and never give up on ourselves,
Realizing that we as human beings can keep perfecting our imperfections to our dying breath.
This isn't easy.
Committing to change,
Committing to growth is not easy.
But the rewards that come with it are truly beyond belief.
And if we keep working on ourselves,
No matter where we're at,
We're just going to keep getting better.
So let's be patient with ourselves,
But let's also not give up.
Just keep improving,
Keep learning things,
Keep growing,
Keep growing until our dying breath.
That's the key of life.
Every day is a chance for growth.
Every day is a chance for improvement.
Every day is a day to improve our lives and find happiness in the here and now.
Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.
If you are finding these episodes helpful,
I would love for you to share your experience with others.
The easiest way for new people to listen to this podcast is just refer them to www.
Happinesspodcast.
Org.
That's happinesspodcast.
Org.
Or if you want to do more and leave a review,
On that site you'll find a Yelp link,
A Google Plus link,
A testimonial link,
Or perhaps even the site you're listening to this podcast on.
Often you can leave reviews there too.
The reviews are an awesome way to encourage people to start listening to the Happiness Podcast.
And until next time,
Accept what is,
Love what is.
