Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.
I'm Dr.
Robert Puff.
I had an interesting conversation the other day.
I was talking with a man who most of us would consider successful,
Including himself.
He said he was able to purchase a beautiful home here in Southern California.
His job was paying him well.
He had a nice car,
And he even got to do some traveling with his family.
Life seemed good.
But he noticed two things that were keeping him from being really happy in his life.
One is,
He had a lot of bills.
He had that mortgage on that beautiful home of his.
He had car payments and children that he was raising with his wife.
There were just a lot of expenses.
And even though he was making more now than he'd ever made in his life,
He realized that,
Oh,
He just wasn't happy.
One,
Because he still wanted more,
Perhaps a bigger home,
Even though he had a beautiful one.
His wife was trying to convince him to get a bigger home,
A nicer home,
Closer to the water.
Because he was making more now,
Why not buy a bigger home?
They could afford it.
And then there was that sense of,
What if something happened?
What if he lost his job?
I mean,
He was in some ways living paycheck to paycheck.
Mind you,
He could have suffered being out of work for a little while.
But if he was out of work for too long,
Things would begin to go away.
So there was fear there.
There was both fear,
Fear of losing things,
And a desire,
Even though he had more now than he'd ever had in his life,
A desire to have more.
But he also remembered what it was like when he was younger,
And he didn't have anything.
And how free he felt.
He didn't feel that he didn't have enough.
He had enough to hang out with his friends,
To go to the beach,
To go camping.
And there wasn't really fear there,
Because he had nothing to lose.
He already was completely broke.
And yet he felt free.
At the same time,
Though he would see nice cars and drive by nicer places and wish he could have them someday,
He didn't feel that pain of needing them.
He was okay where he was living.
He had purchased a used car,
But it ran well,
Even though it was very inexpensive.
And he didn't care what people thought about it,
Even though it had some dents on it,
And was not in the best shape.
He just lived his life and felt free.
Now he had ten times,
A hundred times more than he had back then.
And he was feeling the burden of life.
He was exhausted.
And he couldn't figure out what had happened.
Why had this change occurred?
How could he have nothing before,
And feel free,
And now have so much more,
And feel the strap,
The noose of life,
Choking him,
Both from his fears and his desires.
He really wondered what had happened.
And maybe we can or cannot relate to him.
We may not have a big beautiful home and have a big paycheck that we get every month,
But do we perhaps have more than when we were a teenager?
Probably most of us have a little bit more,
At least more things.
And were we perhaps more free back then,
When our lives were simpler?
I think this is true for many of us,
Not all of us.
I know some of us have very challenging upbringings,
Of course.
But we probably know this story.
We've heard this story before from others,
That when they had so little,
They felt free.
And when they started accumulating all kinds of things,
And got the debts and the expenses of life,
They felt trapped.
They feel trapped.
Or we may feel trapped right now,
Listening to this podcast.
So the question is,
Is there anything we can learn from this man,
Or from our own lives,
About life,
And the secrets of finding happiness in the here and now,
Even when we still feel the trappings of life?
I believe there is hope.
And let's talk about ways we can find that peace of our heart and mind in the present moment,
No matter what's happening.
So much of life suffering comes from the sense of wanting security,
Wanting to make sure that things are okay.
Because when we're younger,
Why do we feel more free?
We just don't worry about it.
Many of us are helped out by our parents.
We don't have to pay the rent,
Or it's a lot smaller.
We have an accumulated debt,
And have the expense of raising children or other people,
Or now have these mortgages,
So fill in the blank.
So I think a lot of what happens is we suffer because we start wanting that security.
And life,
When we take on these expenses and these experiences,
Creates insecurity because things can change.
As we live longer,
We realize,
Oh,
Things don't always stay the same.
And I know people who had beautiful homes that lost them.
I know people who had great jobs who don't know.
I know people that are living in apartments,
Perhaps even living in very squalid places,
Or had to move home because of financial changes in their life,
And they lost everything.
The key of this is to realize that that fear causes us to suffer and not live well now.
If we're concerned about our bills and all that we have accumulated,
We are going to suffer.
So in the remainder of this podcast,
I want to talk about four ways that we can alleviate this suffering and truly have beautiful lives right now.
Okay,
So what are they?
Well,
The first one is we have to realize that pining after and wanting things that we think will make us happier really will not make any difference.
I've talked about this many times in this podcast,
That when we get that new car,
That new house,
What happens is hedonic adaptation kicks in.
That's a pretty fancy word,
But what it means is that once we have something very quickly,
We get used to it and the thrill of it goes away.
So when we purchase that car,
Which has a monthly payment,
Or we purchase that house,
Which has a monthly payment for a very long time,
That payment is what we mostly see.
We don't really get much joy out of the car or the house anymore.
So the key of life is realizing that when we purchase things or we pine after things,
They're not going to make us any happier.
They will create a thrill.
They will at first,
But that thrill goes away.
And if we're able to realize that,
We're just going to make a lot better choices in life because we're not going to go hugely in debt for that thrill that won't last.
I mean,
Disneyland,
Which isn't far from my house,
It's a wonderful place to visit.
But no one's going to spend tens or hundreds or thousands of dollars to go to Disneyland for the day.
That would just be silly.
The thrill is wonderful,
But we're not going to spend that much because we know our thrill will remain in the park or shortly afterwards it will dissipate.
But when we think about things,
We forget that the same thing happens when we purchase things,
That once it's over,
It's over.
And if we now have debt because we purchased those things and our credit card is much higher than we can handle,
It causes us a lot of suffering.
And with that knowledge going forward then,
What we can do is step two is begin to reduce our debt.
Because,
See,
When we were younger,
We didn't have much debt,
Probably none hopefully,
And we were free.
But as we get older,
We begin to accumulate debt.
Not that it's wrong,
It's nice to be able to have a home and pay it off someday,
But often we do extend ourselves far too much.
When we're younger,
We just buy the things that we can afford because that's what's in our wallet or in our purse.
When we're older,
Unfortunately because of credit,
We can get into trouble and that debt can create a lot of suffering.
In and of itself it doesn't have to,
But our minds don't like the debt,
Particularly because the thrill is over now.
Whatever we purchase just isn't going to give us that thrill anymore.
So the second thing we can do is just keep that debt down and really think about the purchases that we do.
Is it worth it?
Because the thrill will end quickly,
Even vacations.
I love going on vacation,
But when I go on vacation,
It's paid for before I go there.
I don't come home with a debt for the vacation.
The vacation is paid for before I go,
And that way I can really enjoy it.
It's like that in life.
When we purchase things,
Let's make sure we can afford them.
If we can't,
We'll just find other things to do.
There's always beautiful things that we can be with and do in life.
The thrills are just thrills.
There's just always,
Always something wonderful that we can find to be with right now.
And that's why when we were younger,
Like the man I talked about at the beginning of this podcast,
He was happy because he could just go get together with his friends.
He could go surfing.
He could go hiking,
Camping.
All these things are very inexpensive.
We start wanting nicer things,
More expensive things,
And so we suffer.
If we can keep our lives,
Here's part three,
If we can keep our lives more simple,
Then life goes better.
When we complicate our lives with things and toys and second and third homes or whatever it may be,
A closet full of shoes,
That can cause us a lot of suffering.
But by keeping our lives simple,
And really keeping them simple,
Life goes better.
Having one car,
Having a house that is enough for our needs,
But not pretentious,
Not making us required to work hard for many years to come because our mortgage is too expensive.
Or if we have to rent,
Is it so bad to rent with someone else,
Perhaps get a roommate?
One of my best friends does that.
She's a single mom.
And she has a roommate because that's how she's able to make it,
Because it's expensive making it as a single mom.
There are so many things that we can do creatively to reduce that stress and have freedom and peace in our life.
I do think one of the biggest ones is simplifying our lives.
Realizing that the thrills,
The things that we purchase or do as we get older,
That are we able to afford them or are they going to cause us stress?
And if they're going to cause us stress because now we have credit card bills,
Our creditors knocking at our door,
That is very hard.
Even if we can make the payments,
It's just having to continue to make the payments.
It is hard.
So keeping our lives below our standard of living is really good for all of us.
And then lastly,
The fourth thing we can do,
Which will help us the most,
But it will be the hardest thing to learn,
Is learning to stop creating stories.
Because the only real difference between us when we're younger and now is,
Particularly in regard to finances,
Is the stories that we create.
We create stories that cause us to suffer.
We don't have to suffer.
We can be free as our teenage self was throughout our lives.
We just have to stop being attached to things and trust that all will be well.
Because whatever happens,
It will be.
Because we can find happiness anywhere.
It's always available for us.
All we have to do is stop being attached,
Stop saying,
I need this to be happy.
What we do is we accept what is.
We love what is.
It's how I end this podcast every single time.
We say,
Oh,
Today life has given me a home,
A beautiful home.
Tomorrow I'm living in a small apartment.
It just doesn't matter.
It's just what is.
And we celebrate what is instead of saying,
I have to have this to be happy.
That's why we suffer sometimes when we get older.
Because all of a sudden,
Instead of being free when we were younger,
Now we say we have to have all these things to be happy.
And so we suffer.
But the teenager doesn't have to suffer about what they have or don't have.
And neither do we.
Whatever part of life we're traveling through right now,
If we're in a nursing home,
If we're homeless,
If we're living in a palatial palace,
It just doesn't matter.
We flow,
We enjoy what life has given us,
And we realize there are people around the world living the way we were living and are happy.
And as long as they're happy,
We can be happy.
It's all about letting go of our attachments.
It's all about living in the present moment.
And when it is hard,
Because I know sometimes it can be very hard,
We just focus on living well now,
Not perseverating on what's going to happen in the future.
A lot of being happy and finding peace and joy in life is living in the here and now,
Not worried about what will happen in the future.
Of course we plan,
And we have expectations,
But they're small.
The things that we maybe spend 2% of our time with,
And the rest of the time we're living.
I think a lot of people spend 98% of their time with their expectations and 2% living.
And so we suffer.
We don't have to suffer.
So if right now you are like my friend that I met who's suffering because he has so much,
Remember that when we were younger,
We had a lot less,
And yet there were times when there was happiness.
Or even if this isn't our story,
It's a lot of people's story.
There are people out there that have much less than we do,
And they have found peace and joy in their lives.
And if they can do it,
So can we.
We don't need things to be a certain way to be happy.
We can be happy and find peace in our hearts no matter what.
This is hard.
I'm not saying it's easy,
But if we work at it,
Work really hard at it,
And when it's really hard,
We say,
Okay,
I will just for the next hour enjoy that hour and not worry about what's going to happen and find some happiness in that moment right now.
And we string a lot of hours together,
And that creates a nice day.
And that day becomes a nice week,
A nice month,
And then a nice life.
So may we all be careful of our attachments,
Realize that if we're suffering from our attachments,
It's time to let them go.
And also remember to learn from our younger selves that when we had much less,
We were often much freer,
Much happier.
And use those lessons today to realize,
Even now,
I can find that happiness in my life,
Each day,
Every day.
Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.
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Org.
That's happinesspodcast.
Org.
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And until next time,
Accept what is,
Love what is.
