How Friendships Make Life Better

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

If you've chosen to listen to this podcast,

My guess is you're acutely aware of how life can be very hard at times,

Incredibly challenging and just overwhelming.

But mind you,

Sometimes life can be quite good,

Even exquisite.

And if we're choosing today to improve our lives,

It can be incredibly helpful to be able to differentiate between what are we in control of and what are we not in control of.

And there's a lot of things that we're not in control over.

We didn't choose our parents,

We didn't choose our genetics,

We don't choose what happens in the world and the economy and plagues and diseases,

But not all negative either.

For some people,

School,

Academics is quite easy for them.

Others are gifted artists.

Some people are just physically talented in the regards to a certain sport or activity.

So as we go through this quagmire of life,

Discovering things that we're in control of,

Learning about things that we're not in control of,

And with that understanding,

We then can influence the things that we are in control of.

And you know what's great news?

One of the main things we're in control of is our friends.

We get to choose our friends,

Who we hang out with,

Who we spend time with.

And that's wonderful because our friends can have a huge impact in our state of happiness.

So that's what I want to explore today,

Choosing people to be in our lives that add to our lives and make our lives just better.

Now this may sound like a silly question,

But why are friends so important?

They're important for two main reasons.

One is,

They're just there to enjoy life with.

We get to see them,

We get to be with them,

We get to laugh with them,

We get to enjoy the beautiful aspects of life.

And with another person or persons,

It can be so much more enjoyable.

But the second thing is,

I think equally as important,

Is that our friends help us through the difficult times of life.

Because we all know once we live long enough,

That life sometimes can be quite hard.

But having friends there to support us,

To love us,

Can get us through pretty much anything.

And that's why choosing friends and having a core group of very close friends,

Whether it be one or seven,

Whatever it be,

We have them and we cultivate the relationship with them because they help us make our lives better.

And guess what?

We make their lives better too.

That's the beauty of friendships.

Friendships get us through the tough times in life.

Friendships help us find the beauty and joy in life.

Friendships just make life better.

So let's think about who are our friends and do we have a good friendship with each other or might it be time to start cultivating a friendship with someone else or other people because friendships should really add to our lives and not take away from our lives.

Now,

As we are exploring friendships today,

I want us all to keep one thing in mind.

When I use the word friend,

I'm also talking about our partners,

Our life partners,

Our spouse,

Our girlfriend,

Our boyfriend,

Whoever it may be.

They should be our friend too.

So as we're looking for friends or cultivating a friendship,

Let's think of them as our friend too.

Because if we don't,

I think there's a tendency when it comes to romance to choose people not based on friendship,

But on other things.

And I believe the foundation of any healthy relationship,

Particularly a romantic one,

Is friendship.

So first off,

Where do we find friends?

That may sound silly,

But friendships are important and we have to work at them.

I want to share a little bit about my own story.

When I moved out to California to get my PhD in clinical psychology,

I didn't have any friends out here.

Well,

When I started my program,

There were quite a few people in my program that I enjoyed and they would do things with me and we would go hiking and just really enjoy life.

But what I discovered towards the end of my program,

They all got very busy and didn't have time to go hiking with me anymore.

Thankfully,

Through the help of a very good therapist,

I learned that it was important to enjoy life and stop striving so hard.

So I created time in my life for friends,

But the friends that were in my life just got very busy.

They kept going.

They were achievement oriented.

I had been achievement oriented,

But I stopped and I realized I really needed to cultivate some good friendships.

But all my friends I had were very busy.

So did I give up and just not have any friends anymore or sparingly see the few friends that I had when they were available with their very busy schedules?

No,

I didn't.

I knew friendships were important.

So what I did is there was a local hiking group in Southern California and I joined that group with other hikers because I really loved being outdoors.

Well,

On one of the hikes,

I met this guy named Jim and Jim and I just really hit it off.

We had a lot in common.

He was an engineer by background and I love science.

We both love nature.

We both had a similar type of humor and we just hit it off the best way I can describe it.

You know when you meet that friend that you just get along with super well.

The two of us were always kind and supportive of each other.

We were never critical.

We made time for the relationship and we really supported each other.

It was an important relationship that each of us made time for.

And because of that,

That cultivation,

That effort and it was a relationship in which our friendship made our lives better and it added to the happiness and joy of our lives.

It didn't take away from that.

That's what we're looking for in friendships.

Friendships that add to our life.

That we can be there for them when they're going through hard times and they can be there for us when we're going through hard times.

And we can create a lot of positive memories with our friends so that our lives are filled with great memories and we have our friend or friends there to share these wonderful experiences of life with.

And friendships take work.

Many years ago Jim moved to the East Coast all the way across the country and guess what?

Did that have any impact on our relationship?

Not really.

I talked to him all the time.

We see each other several times a year and just recently we spent the weekend together and had a really good time.

We make the relationship a priority and because we do,

It helps us keep that relationship,

That friendship alive and well.

Like anything of life that is of value,

We have to work at it.

We have to cultivate it.

We have to make sure that it's of value.

When Jim moved to the East Coast,

I was the only friend he kept but I knew he was my dear friend and I was not gonna lose him.

So I made a very concerted effort to make sure that we kept seeing each other regularly.

If I can digress just for a moment to share a funny story about Jim and my friendship.

One time we were on one of our weekend get-togethers where we met up and we were sharing the hotel room just to keep costs down.

And mind you,

We've never been romantically involved with each other.

We're just really good friends.

But I was walking across the room and I said,

Hey sweetie,

It just came out of my mouth and to this very day we laugh about that.

Friendships are just good for our souls.

They add joy,

They add pleasure,

They just add so much to our life when we have good friends.

So it's important to choose good friends.

And the next part might be hard to hear but it's also important to move on from friends if they aren't being supportive and loving in our lives.

Two of my best friends from high school who I dearly loved and we hung out all the time together.

They both went down different paths and really became quite cynical,

Quite dark in their lives.

And though I still keep in contact with them,

I don't hang out with them anymore because they went down very different paths and the supportive loving part of our relationship just wasn't there anymore.

So these two friends of mine who I was very close to,

I'm not anymore.

Now it may be as you're listening to this podcast that the friends that you have in your life aren't that supportive or maybe you've just had a hard time finding friends and maybe given up.

But friendships are very important.

We have to cultivate relationships,

We have to work at them and we have to find good friends that help us enjoy life but also are there for us and we're there for them during the tough times of life.

Life can be a beautiful adventure but it's so much better with good friends.

So if right now we're having a hard time finding a good friend,

We have to first start with not being self-critical.

Sometimes it's just hard to find good friends but self-criticism is not going to help us.

Let's more work on the solution and the solution is to get out there,

Do things that we love and try to find good friends and also take the risks because guess what?

We have to reach out to people and cultivate these friendships.

It matters if we like them but we don't reach out to them or start hanging out with them then we're not going to cultivate that friendship.

Friendships are very important but they take work,

They take effort.

We have to work at them but when we do we really reap the benefits of a good friendship or friendships because like I said they help us savor the joys of life and they help us and we help them through the tough times of life.

Now in many ways the most important friendship in our lives are those that we're going to have with our romantic partner.

So it is important as we're navigating the course of finding our soulmate or the person that we want to spend our life with that the first criteria we're looking for is that they are a good friend.

Someone that we are proud of,

Someone that we like,

Someone that will be there for us,

Someone that's kind,

That's positive,

That's supportive.

If we're dating someone and they're a jerk then that's not a good friendship.

So we have to ask ourselves is this perhaps the best choice for me?

The best choice is to always look for a good friend first and if they're a good friend then consider dating them not date someone and see if they can be a good friend.

I think that's where we get caught because then all the emotions,

The sexual stuff kicks in and we're focused on that instead of are they a good friend and am I a good friend to them?

Romance is important but the first thing that should be there is a friendship.

Do we have things in common with them?

Do we enjoy them?

Are they supportive?

Are we supportive of them?

Everything I've talked about in regards to friendship should apply to romantic relationships.

The slight difference may be this but it's only slight because I think this is true in friendships too but in a friendship or a romantic relationship when there are bumps we do need to work on those bumps but the tricky part is it takes two people and not everyone is going to be willing to change and we can't make people change.

So what we can do is focus on our behavior and say am I being a good friend to my life partner or to my friend and if we are good but the one thing we can't control is their response to what we do.

How do they treat us?

We can't control that.

The one thing we can control is choosing people,

Close people,

Close partners that treat us well and we treat them well.

That's what we're looking for and if right now we're not in a relationship or we are in one,

Let's make that the focus that our romantic partner is our dear friend.

That's critical and key in any healthy relationship because friendships add so much to our life but we do need good friends and we do need friends so if we don't have any then we're gonna work on finding them and if we have them we're gonna work on keeping them and if our friendships aren't going well we'll see if there's anything the two of us can do to improve the relationship but sometimes the other person may not be willing to change.

So we may say it's time to slowly walk away from this friendship and find someone new that is positive,

That is supportive and that is kind.

These are the key traits of a good friend.

They love us unconditionally,

They will be truthful to us and they'll be kind and we enjoy life with them and when we have tough times or they have tough times we're there for them and we have a lot of good memories to share with them.

Those are the key essential parts of a healthy good friendship.

They matter,

They're important and because we want to be happy we have to always make room and time for a dear close friend or friends.

May we do that and may we on our journey through life truly find happiness with our friends.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.