I Am That - Session 59 - Chapter 21 - Who Am I - Part 1

47:45

47:45

I Am That - Session 59 - Chapter 21 - Who Am I - Part 1

by Ekta Bathija

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5

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talks

Activity

Meditation

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Everyone

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40

Listen to Ektaji talk about Nisargadatta Maharaj's book I Am That. Nisargadatta Maharaj was a teacher who did not propound any ideology or religion, but gently unwrapped the mystery of the self. I Am That preserves his dialogs with the followers who came from around the world seeking guidance in destroying false identities.

Self Inquiry Consciousness Truth Ego Impermanence Non Duality Awareness Identity Witness Consciousness Letting Go Of Ego Absence Of Desire Expanded Awareness Guided Spirits

Meet your Teacher

St. George, USA

Meet your Teacher

St. George, USA

Transcript

Who am I? Questioner We are advised to worship reality personified as God or as the perfect man. We are told not to attempt the worship of the absolute as it is much too difficult for a brain-centered consciousness. Question is clear? This person has come from the religious background and that is why God has come into the picture. Truth is simple and open to all. Why do you complicate it? Truth is loving and lovable. It includes all, Accepts all, Purifies all. It is untruth that is difficult and a source of trouble. Untruth always wants, Expects, Demands. Being false, The untruth is empty, Always in search of confirmation and reassurance. The untruth is afraid of and avoids inquiry. The untruth identifies itself with any support, However weak and momentary. Whatever it gets, It loses and asks for more. I'll stop there. Do you identify with this? When I am the witness consciousness, That is the truth. When I identify with this body-mind person, That is untruth. When there is untruth, What happens? It is untruth that is difficult and a source of trouble. There is lot of trouble caused. There is always some want, Some expectation, Some demand. The moment I am the person, I want, I expect, I demand. Correct? Does the witness want? Does the witness expect something? Does the witness demand? So, It's very clear, This is the truth, This is untruth. Being false, It is empty, Always in search of confirmation and reassurance. We discussed this a little yesterday. It knows that there is no continuity, That this is not the truth, This is not who I am. So, It looks for reassurance, A confirmation from the other, A validation from the other. You love me, You take care of me, You fulfill this desire of mine. You look in the mirror, You want to believe this is me. I am still young, I am still beautiful. You see that? All this is looking for validation, For confirmation, For reassurance. Untruth needs reassurance. Does truth need reassurance? No. Truth is. Truth can stand alone. Untruth means support. It is weak. Yes, That's what he says. It is afraid and it avoids inquiry. So, If you are noticing that your ego is trying to run away from all the self-inquiry experiments that are given here, What is happening? You have identified with this untruth, The body-mind person. It avoids inquiry, It is afraid. It identifies itself with any support. Because it is weak, It wants any support. Perception will do, Sensation will do, Thought will do, Feeling will do. It just wants to mull over all those and get lost in all of that. However, Weak and momentary means the thought is weak and momentary, But it's good enough for it. Whatever it gets, It loses and asks for more. Have you started recognizing this? It's constantly looking for more, More, More. So, Only when you lose yourself as the person, You are asking for more. As the witness, There is this sense of completeness. No need to ask for anything. But the witness is weak right now, It's like a baby. You just discovered it. All these years you thought, This is who I am. So, This impression is strong. The balance is very heavy of the impression of the person. The impression of the witness is very light. So, Your balance is tilting this way. You have to make this impression heavier and this impression lighter. The more authentic you are on your path, The more you stand back as the witness again and again, The more this will become stronger and stronger and heavier. Very clear? Therefore, Put no faith in the conscious. Nothing you can see, Feel or think is so. Even sin and virtue, Merit and demerit are not what they appear. Usually the bad and the good are matter of convention and custom and are shunned or welcomed according to how the words are used. So, He is basically telling you the same thing. Everything is just conditioning. Name and form, Good, Bad, Sin, Holy action, Merit, Demerit. All these are simply labels. Name and form, Name and form. Whether you indulge in sin or you indulge in a good deed, It's the same thing. Why? How? Tell me. Yes, Because you are no more the witness. You have become the body-mind that is doing. Yes, But are you really doing? No, You are faking that you are doing. You are lying that you are doing. So, Whether you are doing something, Some meritorious deed or a demerit, It is one and the same because you are not doing. To begin with, It is a lie. That I am doing is a lie. For example, If I say that I am teaching, It is a lie. I am not teaching. I am knowing that this body-mind is simply playing a role. It's a medium in this drishya. It is just completing its role. If I say I am doing a good deed, It is a lie. The truth is, I am not the doer. I cannot do. Do you see this? So, That's why he says, It is not what it appears to be. It is not what it appears to be. It is not what it appears to be. I just said it in Hindi language for his benefit. So, See it very clearly. The action is happening through this body-mind. This body-mind is the medium of that action. It happens automatically. I simply know that the action is happening and then I claim it to be mine or not mine. That is the only truth. Truth is that I am falsely claiming it to be mine. Stand up, Have the courage. I am not doing. So, I'll read that again. Nothing you can see, Feel or think is so. Even sin and virtue, Merit and demerit are not what they appear. Usually, The bad and the good are matter of convention and custom and are shunned or welcomed according to how the words are used. Very clear? Are there not good desires and bad? High desires and low? Maharaj says all desires are bad. Please highlight that. Who is having a problem with this right now? All desires are bad? Who is getting poked? Do you notice it? The ego? It doesn't like it. No, No, No. Desire for enlightenment should be good, No? Why is Maharaj saying all desires are bad? Didn't that question pop up? Desire for Advaita Vedanta, Come on. Desire for understanding the truth. Why is he saying all desires are bad? So, Let's look. All desires are bad, But some are worse than others. Pursue any desire, It will always give you trouble. He is very straightforward. He doesn't sugarcoat anything. Now the questioner says, Even the desire to be free of desire? Maharaj says, Why desire at all? Desiring a state of freedom from desire will not set you free. Please highlight. Very important. Every time the ego brings this up, You remind the ego. Desiring a state of freedom from desire will not set you free. Nothing can set you free because you are free. See yourself with desireless clarity. That is all. Means what? You have this waking state and mainframe relationships, Problems, Issues here. Turn this way. And recognize, I am the witness consciousness. And it is all-pervading. There is no border to this witness. There is no line that I can demarcate. Oh, This is where I, The awareness, Am. I am like space. I am above, Below, In the front, Behind. I am all around. I am this awareness space in which there is this body. This physical body is in awareness. Awareness is not in this physical body. Has this become clear? When you think that awareness is in this body, You call it focus or attention. When you recognize, No, I am awareness in which there is this body, That body, That body, That body, This whole. Aha! I am this consciousness. I am the space of awareness. Then you have a total opposite perspective of looking at it. Do you see this? When you say, I am this infinite awareness, Where is the point of desiring anything? I am free. I am already free. My problem is, I associate only with this limited body-mind. And that's where the struggle begins. I forget that I am this infinite awareness and I assume I am this body-mind. That's where the struggle begins. That's where suffering begins. So, Constant recognition, I am this awareness. So, This brings in the second point that I spoke about, The projection. I spoke with some of you. When I recognize I am that infinite space of awareness, I also recognize that I have projected this. Projection is inside-out. This is a product of my desire. Not the desire of this body-mind. The desire of this infinite space of awareness. This infinite space of awareness itself had the desire of an Advaita retreat. It projected this body-mind and projected this retreat and participants in this meditation hall, This ashram. Projection is inside-out. Inside means from the awareness through the body-mind, The world is projected. This is only the waking projection. This projection collapses after 14, 15, 16 hours. Yes, It's not there. There is no more an Advaita retreat. But I am. I have recognized that clearly. Maybe there are some knowledge points floating around. Has your dream started becoming a little knowledgeable now? A little biased dream that you are having? Yes, There is just some broken, Garbled, Wise thought floating around. This is the dream state. I still am. But there is no Advaita retreat projection. There is still some thought, Wise thought projection that is there. And then that also withdraws, Fades away and there is absence, Nothingness. I still am. I term it as the deep sleep. Because I am talking with reference to these two projections of waking and dreaming. That is why I call it the absence of waking and dreaming, The darkness of deep sleep. But I am. I know all three. I am beyond the three. Then it becomes very clear. Oh, I am this infinite space of awareness in which the wave of the waking state arose and dissolved. Then the wave of the dream state arose and dissolved. And then there was the wave of the absence of waking and dream. I knew all the three waves. And they are not really three. It's just for the sake of explanation that I am just explaining three. But if you become very acute in your observation, You must have noticed there is waking. Then there is a dream. Then maybe there is deep sleep. Again there is dream. Again there is deep sleep. Again there is dream. Suddenly you wake up. You go to the restroom. You come back. Again there is dream. Again deep sleep. It's all random. And there are many sandwiches. Have you recognized this? If you have not, Then for tonight, Can I recognize these many sandwiches? Little little sandwiches of waking, Dream, Deep sleep, Waking, Dream, Deep sleep. It's not a continuous one chunk of five hours of dreaming and two hours of deep sleep. No. That is only an assumption, A story. Can I see these sandwiches, These small little sandwiches? Even dreams come like a wave and they dissolve. If there are two consecutive dreams, There is a little gap of nothingness between them. Have you recognized that? Sometimes you have two consecutive dreams. One dream comes, It goes. There is nothing. And then there is another dream. Two dreams have a little gap of nothingness. If you have not recognized it, Write it down. May I recognize this tonight? Just a subtle soft intention to yourself. So he says, Nothing can set you free because you are free. See yourself with desireless clarity. That is all. When you see yourself with desireless clarity is very important. And I'm not focusing on perception, Sensation, Thought and feeling. I'm focusing on the consciousness. Focus is this way, Not this way. We spoke about it yesterday. We started practicing. Instead of focusing externally, Focus this way. I am being a witness to what is. That is playing of its own accord anyways. But I am turned inwards. Then only will that perception or sensation or thought or feeling not pull me away. If the focus is this way, It cannot pull me away. If the focus is on it, There is a bigger chance of it pulling me away. Is this clear? Work on this little thing. It's a very subtle thing. Outside, When the focus is outside, Pulls me away. When the focus is inwards, It cannot pull me away. It just comes, Plays for its assigned time and it dissolves. Clear? This is called desireless clarity. It's like the phone works only when it is charged with electricity. So it needs attention. It needs that electric current. You focusing on a perception, Sensation, Thought or feeling is providing its current that it's looking for. It is like fueling it. The more attention you provide to sensations, Thoughts, Feelings, Perceptions, The more it wants to dance in front of you. You have seen a mischievous child, No? The more you pay attention to the child, The louder he gets. You look away, You start doing your work. Shout, Shout, Scream, Then it becomes softer. You are not looking, You are ignoring. You become quieter and quieter and then you go and play quietly in the corner. Have you noticed this? That's exactly how thoughts, Feelings, Sensations, Perceptions are. You provide fuel to them, It's like providing electric charge. They dance on that charge. You turn away inwards and it's like disconnecting, Removing the charger. It can only run on so much charge now, The remaining charge. It has to die. See yourself with desireless clarity. That is all. Questioner says, It takes time to know oneself. Maharaj says, How can time help you? Time is a succession of moments. Every moment appears out of nothing and disappears into nothing, Never to reappear. How can you build on something so fleeting? Do you get this? He's talking about the now. And it's boof, It's gone. And then there's the next now. And boof, It's gone. And then the next now. Yes, The now is really fleeting. Perceptions, Sensations, Thoughts, Feelings arise, Disappear into nothing. Arise, Disappear into nothing. Do you get this? A very clear nothingness in everything. Yes? Yes? So then the questioner says, Then what is permanent? Maharaj says, Look to yourself for the permanent. You tell me, What is Nitya? Thoughts, Feelings, Sensations, Perceptions. Are they Nitya or Anitya? Anitya, Impermanent. Then what is Nitya, What is permanent? The consciousness, The nothingness, The space in which they appear and disappear. That is always there. That is what I am. So look to yourself for the permanent. I am that space of awareness in which they appear and disappear. Dive deep within and find what is real in you. That is what you are doing. The constant experimenting on yourself. The constant looking at what was Nitya and what was Anitya that you did today. You are diving deep within yourself to find what is that real thing. What is real? What is permanent? What is continuous? Is the background of nothingness continuous? This is space. In this room there is space. There is the mic here, There is this mic here. Does the mic substitute space? Does space get removed by the mic? Do you see it? Space is the best analogy for consciousness. So consciousness or nothingness is constant. The space is constant. That is what I am. He says dive deep into that. Look for that which is real, Nitya, Permanent. How to look for myself? Maharaj says whatever happens, It happens to you. Whatever you do, The doer is in you. Find the subject of all that you are as a person. So basically he is saying you are this space. Whatever happens in this space happens in you. Whatever happens, Happens to you. The space of this room is constant. The space of this room is constant. Today they are having Advaita here. Tomorrow they could have some singing and dancing here. Whatever happens, Happens in this space. Whatever is done, Is done to you. Is it clear? And the third is find the subject of all that you are as a person. So this is the subject and this is the object. Has this become clear in these three days? Yes, This is the Drishya. We did this already. This is the subject. The all-pervading consciousness. No things. This is the subject. So you have to find the subject of all that you are as a person. There is perception of sight. Perception of sight, I consider that as I am seeing. So that is what I am as a person. That is the object. Perception of sight is the object. What is the subject? The space in which the perception arises and falls is the subject. Is this becoming clear? Even the sense of I am is an object because it collapses and you have seen, Some of you have seen the collapse now. Yes, Fantastic. Who saw the collapse? Perfect. If I was only the sense of I am and I collapse, Would I notice my collapse? No. No. I am beyond. That is why I notice the collapse and I notice the arising also. Yes. So, The world is object. The body is object. Mind is object. Yes, And the sense of I am is also object. Only the pure consciousness space is the subject in which everything arises and subsides like a wave. Now is the line very clear? Find the subject of all that you are as a person. All that I am is perception, Sensation, Thought, Feeling. Clear? Questioner says, What else can I be? Maharaj says, Find out. Even if I tell you that you are the witness, The silent watcher, It will mean nothing to you unless you find the way to your own being. It will only become intellectual knowledge for you. That is why actually sitting down, Being in silence, Being removed from attachments, Isolating and really doing self-inquiry. That is very important. Then only you experientially see it. Aha! Yes. I am the witness. I am not this body-mind collector. That recognition comes. Aha! Yes, And that aha moment can happen only when I am isolated from that which distracts me. That pulls me into the world. That makes me believe I am this body-mind person. Only when I isolate myself from there and I am just by myself, There is no pull to this body-mind person. There are no demands of this body-mind person. I am a little free from the distractions and then I can go within. The mind is ready to relax. It is always tensed outside. Have you seen that? For the past two days I am telling you become stress-free, Let go, Relax, Let it be. Slowly, Slowly the mind just releases all the tension, Its stiffness and relaxes. Ego becomes a little softer, A little humbler, Putting its defense down, Ready to embrace the knowledge. Are you seeing it? It is happening slowly. And then you see the truth. Aha! The truth was only covered by my stressed personality. Only when all this relaxes, Can I see the truth was always there. My clouds, They were blocking my vision. My clouds of desires. So he says, What else can I be? You find out because if I tell you, You are the witness, The silent watcher, It is only going to be intellectual. Make it experiential. You find out. So question for you, Have you started genuinely inquiring? Are you genuinely doing it? Or only when I give you homework, You do it for 10 minutes and the rest is free time. Yay! I am enjoying. Is it like that still? But have you become authentic, Oh no, This is all I got, This is all I have. I have to make the most of this. Are you serious? Then only can you get there. You have to find it. So questioner says, My question is how to find the way to one's own being? Maharaj says, Give up all questions except one. Who am I? So you take this up as the next task for you, Next exercise. Constantly asking yourself, Who am I? That will take you to the witness. Now stay, Stay, Stay, Stay. See how much you can strengthen the witness. It's a baby, It's weak. It keeps looking for support of a thought or a feeling or a sensation or a perception. It wants to jump in. Doesn't matter, It jumps in. Again remind yourself, Who am I? Again go back. Now stay, Stay, Stay. Abide as the witness, Constantly, Constantly. Yes, Can we do that? That's your next task. So give up all questions except one. Who am I? After all, The only fact you are sure of is that you are. The I am is certain. The I am this is not. Is this clear? You are very certain of I am. But I am this person, This is not certain for you. That is why you look for validation. Yes, Wife as the husband, You still love me, No? Yeah, I still look pretty to you, No? What is this? Looking for validation. So I am the person, The wife or I am the husband. I am still not sure of this. This is not certain for me. The only thing I am certain of is I am. It's a very subtle thing. Are you seeing this? Very subtle. So you recognize this in you. You also do not have 100% certainty about being the mother, The parent, The father, The son, The daughter, The wife. There is a little amount of doubt there. Why is it there? And it's looking for crutches. Why? For reassurance. Yes, I am this. You tell me I am this. Yeah, It is weak. Does the truth need any crutches? So inquire deeper into this. Oh, I am this and I am that. That is very weak in me. There is this constant recognition of being impermanent, Of not being constantly the parent or the sibling or the child. The waking state ends. Dream begins. I still am. And this is your truth. This has always been your truth. Only I am is very strong. Hold on to that which is strong. Drop the weak thing. So if I say I am an Advaitin teacher. It's very weak. I am given a title. You say I am the CEO of a company. Very weak. You say I am the parent. Very weak. Oh, I am the daughter. Very weak. Something in you knows it is fake. Something in you knows it is a pretense. It is not real. Now I've started that conversation already with the family member. I know it's fake, But I cannot stop now. Now I have to continue the pretense. So you push the truth under the carpet. It does come up right in the middle of an argument. This is a pretense. This is fake. This is not real. Withdraw. But you want to say no. I am real. The ego wants to emphasize I exist. And pushes the truth away. Do you recognize this? You observe acutely. Have I ever recognized this? I am is strong. I am this and that is very weak. It's only for a few hours. That is why there is this seeking for validation, For reassurance. Only for those few hours I am the mother. And the mother has the strongest attachment to the child. Only for those few hours I have that attachment, That love. So I am very possessive. I want this. And you should also listen to me. My expectation from you is you love me as much as I love you. And then at the end of the waking state it's gone. It's all fizzled out. But I am. That is something I am so certain of. How can you say 8 hours of every day's reality is not real? Not valid, No? How can only 16 hours be real? Not valid. Not a valid argument. So all these years, Okay, I was immature. I could not see the truth. I only thought 16 hours of the waking state is reality. Now I wake up. No, I am beyond. I only thought this body-mind is reality. This body-mind is reality. I assumed this body-mind is lying down in bed and having thoughts which it calls dreams. I assumed this body-mind is still lying in bed and the thoughts are shut off. And that is called deep sleep. But that is not my experience. That is not my experience. What is my direct experience? At the end of the waking state, The body disappears. There is no body. I have never experienced lying in bed and dreaming with a dream body, Both together. Have you recognized this truth? Never has it ever happened that I have a waking body and a dream body simultaneously. Those who have not done it in Swapna Nidranya and Sadhana, Please write it down as homework for tonight. The waking body and the dream body never exist simultaneously. It is always either or. If you are aware of the waking body, You are in waking state with eyes closed. If there is a dream body, There is never a waking body. So what is my direct experience? That the waking ends and then there is the dream. Dream has another dream body. It is a thought body. We call it the thought body in Advaita Vedanta. And then there is the deep sleep. It is like I, The witness consciousness, Have taken on darkness as my body. It is called the deep sleeper. But what it really means is the witness consciousness itself is there. It has collapsed. It has taken on the blanket of darkness, Of deep sleep. So it is called the deep sleeper. You start seeing everything is so random. No two nows can be connected. Then how can two states, Dream and waking, Be even connected? There is that big gap of nothingness in between. Memory is there. That's why you get up and you write. This happened, That happened. Who remembers? First, Who understands? Who knows? I asked you on day one. Who knows? Waking body, Mind was not there in the dream. So can the waking mind know the dream? Who knows? The one that was beyond both waking and dreaming, That is the one who knows. If I am in the waking, How can I know the dream? I have to be beyond both to know both. Yes? So witness consciousness you can say is beyond both, But it's actually the primordial awareness. The ocean of consciousness is also called knowingness. It itself is knowledge. It itself is knowingness. Its reflection is that sense of I am or the witness consciousness. Wave is not different from the ocean. Wave is a reflection of the same H2O as the ocean. Similarly, This witness consciousness has that same quality of knowingness as the ocean of knowingness. So witness consciousness that is beyond the waking body-mind and the dream body-mind, That is the one that knows. That is the one that stores the memory. Very clear? It has got nothing to do with the thought of the waking state. Thought of the waking state is waking mind. Feeling of the waking state is the waking mind. Thought of the dream state is the dream mind. Feeling of the dream state is the dream mind. The witness consciousness knows both the waking mind and the dream mind. Has this become very clear? When it's standing by itself, It knows both. When it becomes one with the dream, Becomes the dream body-mind. Can it know? Can it remember? That's why those are the dreams you don't remember. You say, I don't remember what the dream was, But I went into some kind of dreams and that's what I remember. I went into some kind of dreams and then I came out and then there was the deep sleep state. You have zero memory of it. Why? Because you could not stand as the witness even for a glimpse. But if you could stand as the witness for a little while, The dream drops off. And that's how you know. I dreamt this much story and then it dropped off. Is this very clear? So the entire practice is of strengthening the witness. The more you are inward turned, The more the witness will strengthen. Answers give up all questions except one. Who am I? After all, The only fact you are sure of is that you are. The I am is certain. The I am this is not. The next word struggle can be striked and you can write strive. Strive to find out what you are in reality. Or attempt to find out what you are in reality. Struggle doesn't sound right. It's like, Why do I have to struggle? I just try. Yeah, Just strike it out and substitute it with strive to find. The questioner says, I am doing nothing else for the last 60 years. He must be an Advaitin or even come from the religious path. Since a long time, He must have been on the path. Maharaj is saying, What is wrong with striving? Why look for results? Striving itself is your real nature. This is very important. Why are you looking for results? That is where your dukkha begins. Your suffering begins when you look for results. Just keep striving. Just strive to be the witness. Stay. Stay. Abide. So he says, Striving is painful. Maharaj says, You make it so by seeking results. The pain comes from? The pain comes from? Yeah, I want this. I want this. The seeking results is desiring. Striving is withdrawing from desire. Are you seeing this? These are two opposite things. Striving means what? Abiding as the witness. Abiding as the witness means what? Not jumping in and saying, I want this, I don't want this. Means not desiring. Is this clear? Striving means not desiring. And when you look for results, What are you doing? You're desiring. So it is the opposite. Very, Very clear? Yeah? So he says, Striving is painful. And Maharaj says, You make it so by seeking results. Strive without seeking. Struggle without greed. Yeah? This is hard for the ego to swallow, But it is true. Like you're greedy on the material world plane. Like that only you carry the same greed to the spiritual side. And now you want results. My spiritual progress. Yeah? Greedy for result. He said, Drop that. Stop seeking results. Because seeking result is again jumping in and saying, I want this. Then you're not striving. Striving means just being the witness. Has this become clear? Where do you feel strong? I am. Just I am. If you're not recognizing this, Please take it down as homework. Do I recognize the weakness of I am this and I am that? And the strength of I am? Yeah? You observe acutely. Have I ever recognized this? I am is strong. I am this and that is very weak. I repeated it often. It's clear?