When Fear Comes Knocking: A Love Letter To Ourselves

Okay,

My darlings,

We're going in big and deep and raw.

At least what I'm going to share feels big and deep and raw from my perspective.

And maybe it's useful for you in some way too.

Welcome to the Henny Flynn podcast,

The space for deepening self awareness with profound self compassion.

I'm Henny.

I write,

Coach and speak about how exploring our inner world can transform how we experience our outer world,

All founded on a bedrock of self love.

Settle in and listen and see where the episode takes you.

This is an extract from my journal that I wrote while we were away on our winter break when we were in Vietnam.

And I'm sharing it because I think it's useful to know that everybody,

However,

Confident and calm and clear and self compassionate they may seem.

Everybody experiences times when the flood gates open,

And fear rushes in.

And the relationship that I have with my journal is now such that I open up fully when that happens,

Or at least it's a continuing process of learning that that is really and truly what will most serve me.

And I just opened my journal that I took away with us at random,

And came to a piece,

A piece of writing,

Entitled My Darling Girl.

So if you're familiar with my two books,

The two volumes,

My Darling Girl Poems,

They're,

I said that weirdly,

Poems,

Poetry-ish,

I think I'd probably call them.

They're letters,

Love letters that pour out of my pen at times.

And they always land with a lesson,

A message,

Or a piece of guidance for me in the moment that I most need it.

And what I'd love to then read is the piece of journaling,

Sort of more kind of classic journaling that I then wrote afterwards.

And I mean,

I feel like I'm being very brave sharing this with you because it is pretty raw.

So as ever,

I would really love to hear your reflections on it.

You know,

Does it speak to you,

This,

This,

This experience of the floodgates opening and fear pouring in,

And then really deeply listening to what it is that fear wants to say.

And then listening even more deeply to what it is we can say in return to fear,

With our most loving,

Most compassionate,

Most kind.

Grammar is terrible.

It can't be most kind,

But most kindful voice.

And the context of this,

Well,

You'll hear the context actually,

It's it's all the way through.

So settle in and see what you think.

My darling girl,

You woke today with a troubled heart,

That soft insistent pressing in from unseen,

Unnamed,

Unknown cares,

The pressure pushing inward,

Your resistance pushing out.

This tension it created is what called me here.

I want you to listen,

My love,

To know these thoughts are fleeting.

Just as the lightness of the moments yesterday have flown,

So too will these thoughts,

Unless you choose to keep them hanging in the air like unloved bunting.

I hear you ask,

But what are they here to tell me of to warn me of to chastise me for?

Oh,

Yes,

All that is there,

Regrets and fears and shoulds.

And you know they are familiar things.

These are not new.

They have not arisen because there is something special about this moment that's brought them to the light.

They're here because they sense today they will be heard.

So hear them.

Ask them what their worries are.

And then you can let them be.

And as always,

It's signed with love.

I always I see these letters that I did my darling girl is being love letters from my deepest wisest self.

And I remember this morning,

I remember the morning where I woke up and I was really troubled.

And then this this writing this letter flowed out of me.

And so I took her advice.

I took the advice of my inner wise self.

And,

And I carried on and I journaled.

I'm still wondering if I should be sharing this.

Anyway,

I'm gonna go for it.

So my journal goes.

Okay.

So if I am here to listen,

Speak with me.

Let me know what it is you are afraid of.

And we shall see what is here and what can be said or done to soothe you.

What is asking to be heard?

I am worried about missing out that I've been away too long.

And I'm missing this time of being present when people are looking for the kind of work I offer.

I'm worried others are better at it than me that I've lost my touch if I ever had it,

That I've no direction,

No idea,

No vision,

That all the big plans and thoughts of before are empty shells.

I feel ashamed of not being good enough,

Loved enough,

Strong enough,

Brave enough,

Good enough,

That's a big one.

I am worried I don't know what to do,

That we've been too extravagant with this holiday,

That I'll never earn enough to keep us going,

That this past year was a blip,

An anomaly,

And I simply can't do it.

I'm worried I don't want to do it.

What if I've lost all my energy for it or my inspiration,

And there's nothing left inside?

And what even is it that I do?

I'm worried it's all become confused and there's no clarity in what I do.

How can people see me if I can't even see myself anymore?

Perhaps,

But I think that's the gist of it.

And what sits beneath?

What does your wisdom tell you has opened the floodgate to these thoughts?

Because my love,

They are all so human.

Every living being has had these fears or ones so similar,

They come from the same source.

Well,

What else is happening is we're about to travel halfway across the world back home.

And I know the journey brings a degree of stress,

Each step needing to be done right.

There's a holding on that needs to happen.

Staying clear and calm that can also mean a deeper rumble of concern.

What else?

Ru was traveling further from me,

Going off,

Off,

Off deeper and deeper into his own life.

And this is how it needs to be yet breaks my heart.

And a broken heart can be an easy access for fears to filter through.

It feels at times like this that they're attacking me when I'm down.

Yes,

I understand that.

That when there is a heavy weight to be carried,

The fears pile themselves on until I'm so loaded down.

All I can do is hear them.

And so you listen,

My love.

The fears are there.

And there are answers you can give them words to whisper that will calm them.

You know this,

My love.

Oh,

Yes,

I know this.

And being here writing this is helping more than you can know.

Although you know it all.

So I suspect you also do know that too.

Yes.

Being here and sharing all this,

I see how it helps you.

Now,

What can you say to help them?

We are where we are,

My loves.

Our path is being with what is and I will do all that needs to be done when I am home.

There is no rush or panic or having to do things a certain way.

We will find our way.

And we will move with grace and joy and gratitude.

Open to opportunities,

Open hearted,

Open minded,

And with an open loving soul.

Thank you.

So I share that.

Because like I said before,

Sometimes it is so useful to know that the thoughts and the fears and the worries and the feelings that go through us are felt because we are human.

They are so human.

And it is so normal at times to feel overwhelmed.

Now the route that I've found has been to write to this wise part of me to have these conversations in my journal on the pages of my journal.

The path that most supports you might include this might include many,

Many,

Many other things.

But at its heart,

I think the value is to listen in.

The value is to find a way to express what it is that we are feeling.

And to hold all of that expression,

With the most profound compassion,

With our wisest,

Kindest attention.

And then to respond from that place.

Not to greet our fears with resistance and judgment,

And fear of the fear.

But to greet our fears as the very things that they are.

Voices expressing worries and concerns.

Just like if you walked into a room full of your most dearest,

Most cherished,

Most loved people,

And heard that they were all worrying about something,

You might be able to turn to them and go,

Yes,

My loves,

That sounds so hard.

Rather than telling them all they must be quiet or leave the room at once.

So I think also,

The other thing as I reflect on that piece of writing is,

Of course,

As ever,

There are these big macro conditions all around us.

There's some very worrying decisions being made,

Choices being taken away and exerted.

And that,

Of course,

Also filters in to each and every one of us.

And therefore,

It feels even more important that we hold these fears within us with this tenderness,

With this grace,

And with the gratitude of what is still beautiful.

Yeah,

That feels enough.

That feels enough today.

I think the other the last thing actually is,

Is also to say,

You know,

It is okay,

It is okay to have those moments.

What I didn't need was someone to step in and rescue me from all of those thoughts.

I simply needed to turn toward myself.

However,

On another day,

I may have found it immensely valuable to have shared it with another human being,

Someone that I loved and trusted and who I knew would not leap in and try to fix me.

I think maybe that's why I love the journaling so much because the journal doesn't seek to fix me.

The journal listens,

And allows me to find my own path through.

But sometimes the path can feel a little obscured.

And so maybe then it is useful whether that's a therapist,

A counselor,

A wise and trusted friend,

A person like me.

Sometimes we do need someone to stand beside us to help us navigate what feels complex,

Hard,

Challenging,

But someone who can help us reach inside and really hear the wisdom of our own voice.

And hopefully you could also hear in that piece of journaling that in the 20 minutes or whatever it was that I sat and wrote,

I went from feeling really quite overwhelmed and,

And a bit lost within the overwhelm to rebalanced and calm and centred and able to hold what had arisen within me.

And of course,

Since I've been back from holiday,

Things have been,

You know,

Good.

I know,

I know what my work is,

I know the value of what I offer.

I know my own worth.

And I am deeply grateful to everybody who helps me share this work out into the world.

And,

And to everybody who who comes and works with me.

You know,

It's feels such a privilege and an honour to be doing this.

So,

I mean,

In a way,

I kind of look back at that piece of writing and just say,

Oh,

Henny.

But I say that was so much love.

Because in that moment,

It was all real.

Okay.

Okay.

That really is it.

Alright,

Take care my darlings.

Sending so much love and a hug and a wave.