Releasing The Victim Mentality

Releasing the victim mentality.

Why do we wanna talk about this?

Why is this important?

One of the great challenges is if we find ourself feeling like we're a victim all the time,

Our life literally goes in circles and we never get out of it.

The problem with the victim mentality is it's self-perpetuating.

Something happens and we see ourself as a victim and we can't do anything about it and then something else happens and we can't do anything about it so we always stay circling the same thing.

And it's like the same nothing.

It's the same boogeyman or something.

It's this weird thing that I can't get out of.

And then all of a sudden,

Our life just becomes this perpetual drama.

Every single thing becomes a drama and we can't get out.

And life isn't about just circling the drain.

We actually want to accomplish things.

We wanna experience this soul.

We wanna manifest ourselves out in the world and we can't do it if we find ourselves stuck in a vicious cycle.

And the victim mentality is a vicious cycle.

So the first thing I wanna talk about is that the victim mentality is not questioning whether or not anything bad has ever happened to us.

We're not saying that we weren't abused as a child and we're not saying that we weren't sort of victimized or whatever we wanna call it.

Our language is almost designed around this idea.

And it's not to say that our last partner wasn't a narcissist.

It's not to say that we haven't had toxic relationships or we have issues with our parents.

You know,

It's not that things haven't happened to us.

We're not questioning that,

But we are questioning how we interpret it.

What is our perspective on what happened?

That's the question.

And those are two different things.

It's sort of that difference between pain and suffering.

We can experience a lot of pain,

But whether or not we suffer because of it,

And again,

I'm not talking about your leg is ripped off and you're,

That's,

I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about,

We have an experience.

Are we able to step forward out of that experience?

Or does this brain and this frontal cortex that's designed for imagination,

Creation,

Manifestation,

And all these wonderful things,

Does this frontal cortex take that pain and create a story out of it that we now are gonna play out?

And whatever that story is,

The curious thing about this frontal cortex of ours,

This part of the brain,

The problem with it is,

Is the story it makes,

It's almost by design you're not allowed out.

Because in the story,

You are the victim.

And the problem is,

The brain gets this attachment to being the victim,

And that's what makes us stuck.

So we talked about the drama triangle in past talks,

Which is what inspired this talk.

The drama triangle is when we see every person in our life either as a victim,

Normally us,

Not always though,

A victim,

The persecutor,

Or the savior.

And this drama triangle we have seen played out in our lives our whole life,

Literally from childhood roadrunner,

Coyotes chasing the roadrunner and all that kind of thing,

Or we watch Disney movies and there's always Snow White,

There's the evil witch,

And then there's the prince that saves her.

This dynamic is constant.

It's this constant thing that there's always an innocent person,

And if we are stuck in the victim mentality,

That's who we identify with.

Not everybody identifies in the victim space.

Lots of people identify in the savior space.

I've never met anyone that identifies as the persecutor,

But a lot of people,

Especially in the spiritual world,

Identify in the savior mentality,

Because we love saving people.

And again,

I think it speaks to a natural desire to help,

The natural desire to simply meet a need and protect those who need protection and all that in a very healthy way.

That's not drama.

If someone falls in the water and you jump in and save them,

There's no drama there.

You simply saved somebody from drowning.

And then you go back to your life and you're just a person again.

You're not perpetually going out looking for people to save from drowning,

Because now we're attached to being it.

Now we're attached to the juice,

The,

Oh yeah,

The adrenaline of saving people.

It's so exciting.

So we can easily get caught in the savior mentality in the drama triangle.

But again,

If we're stuck in the savior mentality,

We're stuck in the same drama as the others,

Because now we're telling the stories from the savior perspective.

Oh,

You wouldn't believe it.

And they were going through all this stuff and we talked about it and da,

Da,

Da,

Da.

And even if we don't admit it,

If we're kind of always having to be the savior,

It's a bit of a challenge.

So if we find ourselves telling stories,

You know,

Well,

You wouldn't believe what that person did to that person.

So I stepped in and so gotta be careful there too.

But what's really interesting about this,

When we place ourselves as that innocent one in the Disney movie,

In the Hollywood movie,

And this person hurt this person,

What's interesting is as the viewer of the movie,

Who are we supposed to identify with?

Who's the star of the show?

The victim.

We watch them,

Maybe they struggle,

Maybe they had a difficult childhood,

Maybe they have addiction issues,

Maybe they have something,

But for some reason the story is written so that we can identify with the person who's struggling.

And then we slowly watch the redemption of the human spirit.

We watch them rise up to that place of courage and their life changes and whatever.

So we're actually trained to identify with the person who's been hurt.

And I'm just saying all this because if you find yourself being the person who's sort of stuck in the drama triangle,

To not be too hard on ourselves about it.

Because when we learn these things and we have been watching them since we were children,

Every Disney movie has this.

And very often,

Unfortunately,

The person who is the heroine,

It's very often feminine,

It's very often a woman,

She doesn't actually sort it out.

She waits for Prince Charming to save her.

It's like the Cinderella story,

One of my favorite movie versions of it is Ever After,

Yes,

Thank you.

And of course,

There is a Prince Charming and there is an evil witch,

Her stepmother,

But she saves herself.

Nobody else saves her,

She saves herself.

And she wins the guy.

This is really important.

This is really important for our talk today.

Because if we find ourselves in that position,

We have to be our own savior.

And we also have to accept the persecutor inside of us that's causing us to not believe in ourselves.

And to not believe that we can make change.

And to believe that we deserve this somehow.

We do play a role in the victim mentality.

I'm not saying at all that if you were abused as a child,

You chose it,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

All that stuff.

This is not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about a perspective on events that have happened.

So just to be really clear,

In our perspective,

We play a role.

And this is really,

Really important.

This drama triangle,

Because this is a lot of how we're gonna get out of this victim mentality,

Is to deconstruct this drama triangle and get out.

And the number one reason,

Why do we circle in this drama triangle?

Well,

It's the same reason that the movies use the drama triangle to lure us in.

Because the hit we get from drama is a drug.

It is so exciting.

It's exciting to be mad.

It's exciting to be self-righteous.

It's exciting to be in pain.

And that sounds horrible.

But there's a feeling of aliveness in it.

In many ways,

This world is very weird.

That we've been sort of drugged into some kind of comfortable coma,

State Pleasantville thing.

You know,

There was a song,

And they said,

"'I Bleed Just to Know I'm Alive'"?

It's a really weird thing to say that,

Oh,

Well,

I like it.

It's not that I like it,

But I feel alive.

And because the world has been so wired into this drama triangle,

We don't even know how to live without it.

We don't know how to have excitement,

And how to feel alive,

And how to feel all that invigoration inside of us without it.

And I remember years ago,

I was counseling a couple.

Well,

They'd been working on some stuff,

And they'd been trying to work on things with each other and whatever.

I'm watching them,

And I'm realizing they're like picking at each other.

They're almost like poking each other with their words,

Even though they'd done all this work to heal.

There was betrayal,

There was all this other stuff.

There was anger,

There was all this stuff,

And they'd actually done a lot of work,

And then they started poking at each other.

And at the time,

I was studying David Hawkins' book,

Power Versus Force.

Lots of you guys are super familiar with this from previous talks.

In Power Versus Force,

He has this levels of consciousness that we live in.

And there's this point right in the center,

This level of consciousness called courage,

Which is also very important to our talk today.

Everything below courage,

Shame,

Guilt,

Anger,

Grief,

Desire,

Pride,

All these things,

These are all the emotions of the drama triangle.

And it's almost like we're in a drama triangle and it's almost like we have been trained our whole life,

Not only by Hollywood and Harlequin romances and every other book,

But also from our own family experience,

What we've witnessed in our families.

We are so accustomed to this drama triangle,

Almost that that's what life is.

That's where the juice is.

Because how often do you ever watch a movie that's simply uplifting without a drama triangle?

Can you imagine an exciting movie about being human with no bad guy and no savior?

What would that even look like?

It's kind of beyond our comprehension because our whole mentality,

Almost all of our language is all in this who did it,

Who helped,

Who's suffering,

All this stuff.

We're just like caught down here.

So I'm sitting with this couple and I'm realizing that without all the drama,

It's like they didn't even know how to connect.

It's like now they were bored.

It's like they had all this negative stuff and the negative stirred up a certain kind of alive juice inside of them.

They fixed all the stuff.

Then they got to this flat line at courage.

And here's the weird thing about courage.

So you're sitting in courage and there's no drama.

You're not angry and it's nobody else's fault,

But you need to take a step forward.

And I realized in that moment,

Sitting with that couple,

That we don't know how to live above the line of courage.

We don't know how to find the thrill of building something,

Of expressing ourself,

Of creation.

The drama triangle cheats us of the journey of creation because we're so busy circling the drain.

We're not actually creating new things and building mountains and manifesting our dreams.

The drama triangle cheats us of our entire life path because we're busy just circling and circling and circling.

So as soon as we come to courage,

We're just circling and circling and circling and circling and circling and circling.

And we're not actually building anything.

We're just circling and circling and circling and circling and circling.

And we're not actually building anything.

So we're just circling and circling and circling and circling and circling and circling.

And we're not actually building anything.

So we're just circling and circling and circling and circling and circling and circling.

And we're not actually building anything.

So what I want you to do when you come to courage is there's no drama.

There's no stories to tell.

I can't tell you how this person hurt me or how that person,

It's their fault that I'm not living the life I wanna live.

Everything's on me.

Everything's back in my court.

If I wanna do something in my life,

I do it.

And I step forward in that courage.

And I can't tell any stories anymore because I'm not living the life I wanna live.

And I'm not doing anything.

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I am a firm believer that we come in alone and we go out alone.

And every experience that we have in the middle with other people are all about that soul's journey.

It's never about anyone else.

It's always about our.

.

.

It's sort of like that same thing that,

You know,

When we go back to the Hollywood movies,

That the goal of every movie is to watch the redemption of the human spirit.

Our human spirit.

We want that person to find the courage to tell that person to stick it.

We want to find that.

We want to watch that person find the courage to overcome the things that have oppressed them.

That's our journey.

But it's hard.

That's not easy.

That's a difficult journey.

Following truth,

No matter what,

Whether people understand or not,

Overcoming our challenges by trusting the truth we hear inside of us,

And then taking the leap of faith to take action.

That's like half of our talks here on Insight Timer.

Because it's hard.

And then just as we try to do it,

We do it,

And we go,

And we feel stronger.

Then something new comes,

And we get a new challenge.

And again,

That is a whole other perspective as well.

You know,

My son was on yesterday.

He was talking about Hercules.

Somebody asked him what his favorite god or goddess or his favorite myth was,

And he personally identified the most with Hercules.

The reason,

And I don't know this story,

So I'm just repeating what he said,

Was that Hercules was given 10 challenges,

And he had to overcome them.

And he said,

But it was all about perspective,

Because in many ways he had pissed off this goddess.

So she had thrown these 10 things at him to kind of break him.

So we can look at the world like that.

Look at all these things being sent to break me.

But what makes Hercules Hercules,

The Herculean challenges of life,

Is that he saw them as personal challenges to make him stronger.

And every challenge made him stronger and stronger and stronger until he was Hercules.

It's all perspective.

So some of the things we can do is,

One,

We have to embrace courage.

In every step,

We can ask ourselves the question,

If we sit there and we say,

But I'm afraid to make that choice,

Then you can close your eyes and you can say,

All right,

What would courage do?

What would I do if I had courage right now?

Say it out loud.

Do something.

And then let that float in your ethers for a while.

Let that dance.

You don't have to solve it right away,

But let that dance in your reality.

Because the problem is when we're stuck in the victim mentality,

The only thing floating in our ethers are all the things we can't do and all the things that everyone else has done to harm us.

And that's our whole world.

That's the whole soup that we are swimming in.

And we start to think it's the whole world.

But when we start inserting other possibilities,

What would I do if I was courageous about this?

And so like in the levels of consciousness of David Hawkins' book,

Above courage is neutrality,

Willingness,

Acceptance,

Love,

Wisdom.

What would wisdom do?

What would willingness do?

Willingness,

Of course,

Assumes neutrality,

That you're not blaming the other person.

And you're willing to take the next step.

And just to start,

Right,

You can write it down.

You can journal about it.

You can talk about it.

You can do whatever.

But to start having those conversations and allow the ethers around you to start to shift.

Just let them start to have these other thoughts.

And then you'll start to have different conversations.

If you find yourself in a family where the victim mentality is monstrous,

And that's where you get all the badge of honors and that some people are really mean.

We are not taught kindness.

And even if people are trying to be kind,

They're still not kind because they're passive-aggressive and they're judgmental and all these things.

So part of the courage might be putting up boundaries.

And to say,

Yeah,

That's not going to happen.

And if you say,

Oh,

No,

I couldn't do that.

I can't because it's my mom.

Why not?

Why is it okay for your mother?

Person who brought you into the world to treat you badly.

Why?

Kind of comes back to that phrase that again that Erin,

My son said yesterday that they say,

You know,

That blood is thicker than water.

But what the actual saying is,

Is that the blood of the coven is thicker than the water of the womb.

Or stronger than the water of the womb.

Just because we were birthed from someone doesn't mean they get to abuse us.

Just because someone's a sibling came from the same litter as us doesn't mean they get to be mean to us.

What's that all about?

And again,

We just look at it.

We just look at it straight up.

It has no power over us.

And then we start making choices.

And then that victim cycle starts to get wobbly.

It's not holding the same power anymore.

Eventually gets wobbly enough that it has no power at all.

Like this isn't like an overnight fix.

Because we have to start inserting different thoughts and different actions into our life.

Another big way to get out of this mentality is that we have to find new ways of having excitement in our life.

One of the reasons the victim triangle is so juicy is that it's exciting.

We get a chemical hit.

This is like,

This is,

I don't know,

Like the cocaine of the drama world or something.

It's exciting.

Well,

If that's the only thing that's exciting in our life,

Guess what we're not going to let go of.

So we need to find new sources of excitement.

You know,

We need to find our edge.

For me,

I am so,

Like right now,

For example,

My life is super busy,

Super,

Super,

Super busy.

And sometimes I feel like I'm always sort of surfing this ocean of possibilities.

And I'm just hoping that I'm actually doing enough to make sure everything,

All the dials are turning that need to turn.

Because I'm just,

I just,

Things just kind of flood in of things I want to always be doing.

For me,

This is the adrenaline rush of life.

To do things.

You don't know if it's going to work out.

You don't know if it's going to fail or if it's going to be the greatest success of your life.

That is an adrenaline rush for me.

And I never know if something's going to turn up or turn out or not.

To perpetually act in faith,

To perpetually sit quietly in meditation and have an idea,

And the idea tickles you.

Yeah,

Well,

That would be fun.

You know what I did last week?

I was frustrated editing my book.

And I love dancing.

And I bought a car so I'm not getting quite as much exercise walking the pooch as I used to.

And I love belly dancing.

And I've been taught belly dance for a long time,

But I've also been really drawn to hula.

So I found this great program called Hot Hula Fitness or something.

And I bought their home study program.

And it turns out that it was a home study teacher program.

So as soon as my book is on its way,

I'm going to start training to teach Hot Hula Fitness.

This entertains me like nobody's business.

It's so fun.

And then suddenly,

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to travel to Tahiti and do a workshop in hula dance.

And then maybe I'll go to Hawaii or then maybe I'll travel and teach Hot Hula Fitness to fun women and men all over the world.

You know how much fun that is?

I was so tickled by this Hot Hula Fitness program I have loaded into my computer that I'm going to learn.

That's exciting.

I'm not going to sit around whining about anything because I've got to learn about Hot Hula Fitness.

This is super fun.

Can you imagine?

And then you do this thing and it starts to expand,

Right?

And then all of a sudden,

You guys are all like,

Hey,

Would you come to my town and teach us Hot Hula Fitness?

And then we'll have a tantra class and then we'll do union.

And then the world starts to explode like this.

What if that was what our life was?

And you said,

Well,

I really love this and I love this.

And you start to explore those things and all of a sudden you meet somebody and you take an art class and the person beside you is really cool and they're having a gathering and then you meet three other people.

And next thing you know,

Your world is expanded into all these fantastic things.

Right?

You're getting juice from living,

From creating,

From new things,

From learning,

From this.

It's so much fun.

We need to have this in our life or we are going to keep falling down and just juicing on the drama.

This is such a great big wide world.

There are so many things we could be doing,

Like really fun things we could be doing.

This is so important to have these things in our life.

Because then suddenly if someone comes over and they're like,

Hey,

What's doing?

You're like,

Oh my God.

So I'm doing this Hot Hula Fitness and I've got this thing and a da da da da da.

So then I had to go buy all these outfits and then I had to do this thing and then I had to rent this hall because I'm doing this thing and then I'm having the chick weekend and I'm going to do this.

Yeah,

And that's what I'm talking about.

That's my passion.

That's the expansion.

I'm going to leave it there and I'm going to put my glasses on.

And if you have any questions,

I'd be happy to answer them.

When someone needs comfort,

It seems natural to tell the story to heal.

So where do you draw the line on not giving in to the drama and still comforting them?

I find the big difference is how many times have they told this story?

If someone is,

If you've had something buried inside of you your whole life and all of a sudden in a moment of safety with a friend,

A story comes out.

Wow,

That's so important and you can feel it.

You can feel that this is a true vulnerability,

A raw something that is rising.

But when someone is telling the story for the 10th time,

20th time,

100th time,

Sometimes it's the 20th time to you.

And what's always interesting is there's this fine line between listening and being compassionate and then saying,

So what do you think a good next step is?

I mean,

They're talking to you.

So you must be a part of this conversation.

So the next question is,

What's the next logical step?

Thank you so much for being here.

I hope you have a wonderful day.