Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.
My name is Lisa A.
Romano.
I am a life coach,
Best-selling author,
YouTube vlogger,
Meditation teacher,
And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.
I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.
My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.
May your heart feel blessed,
Your mind feel expanded,
And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.
So today we're going to be talking about five key phrases that you can use to help you disarm a narcissist.
So when we're talking about somebody who is a narcissist,
Remember that this exists on a spectrum from the garden variety narcissist to somebody who has full-blown narcissistic personality disorder.
And there is no doubt that if you have a narcissist in your bunch,
Then this can be very upsetting.
You can be made to feel like you need to walk around on eggshells.
You will undoubtedly be around someone who feels like their pain trumps your pain.
You're going to notice that they're jealous and they're envious,
Even of people that they like.
They will be jealous of other people.
They will find ways to dislike other people.
They will have a brooding arrogance.
They will feel special.
They will feel like they are better than other people.
They will kind of be confused by this idea that people don't respond to them in the way that they want to because they have this blind spot about how they're coming off.
They're stuck in their own way.
And unfortunately,
As much as you have empathy for someone who has high narcissism and empaths and people with high codependent traits,
People pleasers,
Fixers,
People with their own childhood trauma that is causing them to fawn and people please,
You are going to be susceptible to being sucked in by narcissistic people,
Especially vulnerable narcissists because you will feel their pain.
You will understand why they are highly narcissistic,
Why they are stuck,
And why they're generally confused about why relationships are so difficult for them.
What you'll notice is that no matter how much you try to help this person see their part in it,
They're going to see themselves as the perpetual victim.
They will not see what they said to trigger a response that causes someone to want to push away or to defend themselves.
Or if you're dealing with a more grandiose or overt narcissist,
You're going to see somebody who becomes rageful and someone who's controlling and manipulation.
It might be obvious to everyone else,
But if you're in the relationship,
It won't be obvious to you.
So I wanted to offer these key phrases because I did a video years ago about these key phrases and it did very well.
I had a mixed response.
There were people like,
Ooh,
Those phrases sound like you're being narcissistic.
When I was reading the comments,
It was interesting to see how people responded to these five key phrases to disarm a narcissist.
There was one comment in particular,
I believe by a psychologist who said that what Lisa has created here is an opportunity to basically create distance between the person who is being highly controlling and abusive,
The person who is trying to flip the situation and position themselves as a victim.
And when you're dealing with somebody who positions themselves as a victim,
That means in their eyes,
You are always a perpetrator,
Even though they are causing this havoc in their life.
Through their eyes,
You are the perpetrator.
So you are in a double bind situation.
You can't help this person.
And as much as you want to,
And you have a bleeding heart for this person,
You might have to cut it off.
You might have to put some distance between you and this other person.
And so the whole reason for the key phrases is really just that,
Is to,
Wow,
I think I'm being manipulated here.
I think I'm dealing with somebody who has a blind spot,
Can't see themselves,
And I'm starting to feel oppressed.
I'm starting to feel manipulated.
I'm starting to feel like everything's my fault.
Everything's my responsibility,
And I don't like the way that that feels.
How can I create some space between me and this other person that allows me to not go down the rabbit hole of this very toxic condition,
This very toxic situation?
If you are someone who has a lot of empathy,
You need to be careful,
Dear one,
Because what will entangle you in this conversation or in this relationship is the fact that you can see what other people can't see in the narcissist.
You can see why they are the way they are.
You can relate to their trauma.
But if you're not careful,
You can take on the role of helping,
Fixing,
And trying to get this person to see and believe that you love them,
That you care for them.
You'll go the extra mile for this person,
And guess what will happen,
Dear one?
It will never be enough.
And before long,
What will happen is they will turn on you.
You will become the mother that abandoned them,
The mother that abused them,
The father that abandoned them,
The brother that abused them.
And so this is what happens.
You end up paying the price for their unhealed drama and trauma.
And if you're not careful,
If you don't find ways to put up a boundary and create some space between you and this person,
It's going to get very messy for you.
So let's get to the five key phrases that I hope will help you disarm a narcissist.
The first phrase that I use,
And I've used this in my life,
Is I'm really sorry that you feel that way.
Now,
I recognize that this is a comment that highly narcissistic people say,
But you're not a narcissist.
If you're not a narcissist,
Then when you use this phrase,
What you're basically saying to this person is that,
I know that you don't take responsibility for how I feel.
I know that's the way you roll,
Because you only care about your feelings.
And because you can't see how you participate in this dynamic,
You're always going to blame me for why you feel this way.
And then it'll be my responsibility to make you feel better.
Well,
I'm not going to play that game,
And because I recognize those are the rules by which you play,
Here,
Let me give you a little bit of dose of your medicine.
I'm really sorry that you feel that way.
It might sound passive aggressive,
But when you're dealing with someone who is highly toxic,
You are using it as a way to save yourself from going down the rabbit hole.
This is you saying,
Uh-uh-uh,
I'm not going to be manipulated by your victimhood,
By your rejection,
By you twisting the facts,
By you positioning yourself as a victim and me as a predator.
I'm not going to allow you to do that,
So dear one,
I'm really so sorry that you feel that way.
If you've worked with somebody who is highly narcissistic,
You might not see it right away,
But over time,
As you spend time with this person,
What will be revealed is that they really do see themselves as a victim.
Therefore,
Anybody and anyone can become a persecutor or a perpetrator through their eyes because they are generally distrustful.
They are generally people who have this,
They just expect people to fail them,
And they are in survival mode as well,
Although they don't realize it.
Dealing with these people can be really,
Really difficult for you,
Especially when you're trying to be so kind to them.
When things go sour,
What you'll start to see,
If you can remain objective,
That's why you need space,
You need to really hold onto yourself in every relationship because you never know when you're dealing with someone who is really spending time with you to set you up for the finale,
The discard of,
I knew you were going to fail me anyway.
It's all your fault.
You don't know when that's going to happen,
And sometimes it happens out of the blue.
I think these sessions can help you become aware of when and if this has happened in the past,
Which helps you in the now.
Now you can be aware of it in the future.
What happens when you're dealing with someone and you don't know it who's highly narcissistic,
As the relationship starts to devolve,
What ends up happening is you start to feel like you're being set up for failure.
You start to hear in their language,
In their emails,
In their text messages,
In passive aggressive comments,
You failed me and you suck.
Here it comes,
Here it comes.
So what you might wrestle with,
Especially if you're highly codependent and you have abandonment trauma and anxious attachment style,
Or if you're an empath,
A wounded empath who just feels like,
Oh,
It's my responsibility to come to planet earth and help fix these wounded people,
You have to be really careful because in this setup,
What might happen is you might want to go into trying to help them see that their perception of you is faulty,
That you are not this person that they are suggesting that you are,
And you got to be careful.
So the second key phrase is,
I have to accept your faulty perception of me.
I have to accept that right here,
Right now,
Regardless of how much history we have,
Regardless of how much I've tried to help you,
Regardless of my compassion for you,
Regardless of the many different ways in which I've tried to be compassionate towards you,
You have this perception of me.
I have to accept this faulty perception that you have of me.
I learned to use this type of thinking in my relationship with my ex-husband because it was no matter how I tried to get this man to believe that I was on his side,
He would always set up conversations in which he implied that I was the enemy.
He would say things like,
Oh,
You're just trying to separate me from my family and that nothing could be further from the truth.
So if there was a situation going on with one of his siblings or with his mom,
I was merely trying to bring it to his attention so that we could get on the same page.
But because he didn't want to set a boundary,
Because he didn't like conflict,
Because he wanted to be seen as the nice one,
And that's really troubling when you're dealing with somebody who refuses to see like a boundary has to get set,
In a certain amount of time,
It's all going to go kaput because boundaries are necessary in healthy relationships.
They are opportunities for us to love one another in a respectful and mutual way.
Boundaries are necessary.
They're scary sometimes,
But without them,
Relationships fall apart in time.
So I had to learn to develop a language in which I was able to tolerate his faulty perception of me.
And when I say tolerate,
It doesn't mean that I accepted it.
Obviously,
I got divorced.
But in the moment,
I had to develop ways in which what he was saying couldn't penetrate me,
Because I am someone who has a lot of empathy for other people.
And unfortunately,
That has gotten me in trouble lots of times.
And in this situation,
I needed to learn how to push away what he was saying,
Because what he was saying was hurting me.
It was crippling to think that someone that you love doesn't see you the way that you are.
And it was very reminiscent.
And it's part of my CPTSD trigger,
Because it's very reminiscent of how my mother would treat me.
So no matter what I tried to do to get that connection going with my mother,
It was met with things like,
What are you trying to buy my love,
Lisa?
Or you're just looking for my attention.
Of course I was.
You're my mother,
And I feel like you hate me.
What was I supposed to do as a little kid before I finally just gave up?
And that's really sad.
And it's taken me a long time to find the balance of what is a healthy expectation to have of other people without expecting that someone to take care of my feelings and be responsible for unmet childhood needs and any trauma left over from childhood.
It's taken me a while,
But I'm finally in a very healthy relationship.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years now.
We've been together for 14,
And I have found that balance,
And it feels wonderful.
So try to experiment with that sentence or that phrase if you feel necessary.
I have to accept your faulty perception of me.
Another key phrase that was truly transformative for me in my ex-marriage was this idea that I was getting to understand that myself as someone who was highly codependent,
Who had empathy,
But empathy that was really,
I think,
That was amplified by my own trauma of a abandonment,
Feeling like a burden,
Feeling like love was conditional.
My mother would withhold love.
So part of my trauma is when,
Well,
A big trauma trigger for me is when I'm trying and then that person that I'm caring for turns on me and then accuses me of being a predator that I'm not.
And this was very reminiscent.
This is what happened in my childhood with my mom,
Which was very confusing.
This is why I felt broken.
This is why I felt bad.
That's why I carried so much shame.
And the trigger was anger.
And my mother was generally always angry,
Although in front of other people,
She would always wear a smile.
But I had to learn to have this radar,
This childhood trauma radar,
So that I could watch my mom and know when her mood was going up or mood was going down.
And so I had this radar towards her.
That's what CPTSD does to you.
It's like,
I have to pay attention to what's happening on the outside.
So rage and anger was a big trigger for me.
I would become a two-year-old child that felt defenseless,
Even though I was 40 years old,
When someone was angry at me or I sensed that someone was angry with me,
Even if I didn't do anything particularly wrong.
And it was this person's perception,
Which happens if you're dealing with a narcissist,
Because they're a victim and whatever they feel is your fault.
And so if you can't fix it and soothe their ego and figure out what they want and what they need,
And they're left with feeling those feelings,
They have to take that out on you.
So there's no emotional regulation when it comes to a narcissist,
Which puts you in a very dangerous situation mentally and emotionally,
Spiritually,
Financially,
Physically.
And so I came up with the phrase that I have to accept your anger,
And I also accept that I'm not responsible for your anger.
Now,
When I say accept,
I mean basically saying that I'm not liking this anger,
But I know that I can't control whether or not you're angry at me.
That is an inside job.
And just because someone's angry and they have these feelings doesn't mean that I'm responsible for fixing them.
It doesn't always mean that I haven't helped initiate them,
But when you're dealing with the narcissist,
You're dealing with someone who's incredibly thin-skinned,
You're dealing with someone whose emotions are very,
Very big,
You're dealing with someone who is very,
Very fragile,
And the slightest slight to them is going to be seen as a true insult.
And so understanding this dynamic,
Like it wasn't my fault that my mother was so traumatized and so thin-skinned and had all these issues that were never dealt with,
And it wasn't my fault that she was taking that out on me.
And so I developed this phrase,
I have to accept that you're angry,
And I also accept that I'm not responsible for your anger.
That gave me the distance I needed so that my trauma wasn't activated and I didn't go into,
Oh my God,
I'm in the worst person in the world because this person's angry at me.
When you're dealing with someone who is highly narcissistic,
They have issues that are unmet.
They have wounds that are unmet.
And there isn't anything that you can do,
Nothing that you can do to fix that.
But if you're not aware of what you're dealing with,
If you're not aware of your trauma,
Your codependency,
Your high empathy,
Your idea that you're here to fix people,
This idea that you can see their wounds,
But you have wounds that are unhealed.
If you're not aware of who you are and you're not aware of other people,
You're just stuck in your own head.
I'm here to fix,
I'm here to help.
And so when someone gets angry at you,
You can go right into thinking it must be my fault and I need to fix it.
And so it's really important that you identify those traits in you,
Identify what's going on in your relationship,
And use a phrase like this,
If you feel so inclined,
To help create some space between you and this other person.
Once you start to see these dysfunctional patterns starting to come to the surface.
Another key phrase that I learned to use was,
I have no right to control how you see me.
It's almost like you are fighting a ghost that wants to box with you.
And the ghost is basically feeding off of you.
And the ghost needs you to keep your hands up.
The ghost needs you to bob and weave.
The ghost needs you to throw a punch or two so that they could counter so they can punch you back.
When you say,
I have no right to control how you see me,
You're basically putting your arms down.
It's impossible,
Really impossible to like fight with somebody who refuses to fight with you.
It is so powerful.
This is this idea that,
Okay,
You know,
That's how you see me.
I'm not going to try to control it.
I'm not going to have this round around conversation,
Emails,
Texts,
You know,
Conversations till 4 o'clock in the morning,
Trying to counter what you see and how you perceive me and what your belief systems are and how you feel.
I just surrender to how you feel.
I surrender to your perception of all of these experiences.
And I'm not going to fight you on them.
This allows you to stay out of the drama.
This allows you not to get into the toxic cycle that happens inside a relationship with someone who has a high conflict personality.
It's you saying,
Basically,
I am really sorry that this is what's happening inside of you.
And I'm really sorry that you have these perceptions and these ideas about me,
But I'm not going to fight you on them.
Last but not least,
Certainly not the least,
Is I guess I have to accept how you feel.
Now oftentimes we're dealing with someone who has a high conflict personality.
What they're trying to do is engage you in a confrontation because this person needs to keep you engaged.
They're trying to lure you in with a conversation.
And when you say,
Oh,
Okay,
I just got this text about what a terrible person I am.
I went through that with my ex,
20,
30 text messages in one day.
I'm not even kidding.
And none of them were nice and they were always,
Right,
There was a buildup of he's the victim.
He's the victim.
I'm the bad person.
There's a blind spot to what he said and what he did that helped contribute to my own reactions,
Which were not always very good,
Dear ones.
And I acknowledge that.
I've grown a lot since that time.
But it was a reactive abuse for certainly,
But also my own immaturity,
But a bad combination.
But what I'm trying to say is that what I noticed was that there was this constant need to do this dance,
This argument to bait me into keep going and keep going to the point of nauseam conversations.
And every conversation ended up on the same rollercoaster,
Lisa,
You're wrong.
This is how you wounded me.
This is what you're responsible for.
It's not my fault.
I'm a good guy.
Everybody loves me,
Lisa.
I'm so considerate.
I'm so blah,
Blah,
Blah,
Blah,
Blah.
Make me gag.
Right?
From his perspective,
He was the good one.
And that was the blind spot because he was unable to really see himself through a clear and objective lens because doing so would have dismantled his entire reality of life.
But the moral of the story is that it's very interesting to see how someone who has high narcissistic traits,
Lack self-awareness,
And is just in their own head and paying attention to their emotions and no one else's emotions,
And then their ego is doing backflips to justify and rationalize why they feel the way they feel,
Which always positions you as the person who hurt them because they're never the person who's wrong,
A very interesting personality.
When you see this,
You really begin to understand it makes no sense to argue with this person that they're going to be ignited by the argument and it's going to fuel their narcissism.
This is you saying,
I'm done.
This is you saying,
Uncle,
Uncle,
Uncle,
I get it.
This is not a fair based relationship.
This is not a fair based mutual respecting or respectable relationship.
And I surrender.
I just surrender.
And that is the way you can put some distance between you and the narcissist and prevent yourself becoming emotionally overwhelmed and from going down the narcissistic rabbit hole.
I so hope that this has been helpful,
Dear ones.
