Welcome to Living Simply,
A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,
Dr.
Gina.
Hi,
Everybody.
We're live and we're going to talk about the ingredients of a healthy relationship.
And basically you're going to assess if you're in a healthy relationship or not,
And we're going to talk about red flags.
So let me start by sharing my screen.
Is your relationship healthy?
So I'm going to read to you a few statements and these statements will allow you to determine what's the quality of your relationship.
So here we go.
Do you and your partner have fun together more often than not?
Do you enjoy spending time separately with your own friends as well as with each other's friends?
Do you always feel safe with each other?
Do you trust each other?
Are you faithful to each other if you've made this a commitment,
Right?
So some people have open marriages,
Open relationships.
So if it's open and agreed upon,
Then honesty is involved there.
Do you support each other's individual goals in life,
Like getting a job or going to college?
Do you respect each other's opinion even when they're different?
Do you solve conflicts without putting each other down,
Without cursing at each other or making threats?
Do you both accept responsibility for your actions?
Do you both apologize when you're wrong?
Do you have equal decision-making power about what you do in your relationship?
Do you each control your own money?
Are you proud to be with each other?
Do you encourage each other's interests,
Whether it's sports,
Extracurricular activities,
Hobbies,
Etc.
?
Do you have some privacy,
Your letters,
Diary,
Personal phone calls,
Your texts,
Your cell phone?
Are they respected as your own?
Do you have close friends and family who like the other person and are happy about your relationship?
Do you never feel like you're being pressured for sex?
Do you communicate about sex if your relationship is sexual?
Do you allow each other space when you need it?
Do you always treat each other with respect?
Now these are a few examples of healthy relationships.
So it allows you to start seeing are these present and these are a good sign.
You know,
Many behaviors that society socialize women to interpret as caring,
Attentive,
And romantic are actually warning signs for future abuse.
So let's go into red flags.
You know,
I'm going to spend more time on what's not healthy than what's healthy and automatically you will know that if these things aren't there,
Then your relationship is most likely a healthy one.
The reason I wanted to talk about the red flags and the early warning signs is exactly that because we're in a patriarchal society,
Women have been raised to be nice and many behaviors partners have we think are flattering,
Oh they must love us,
But they're actually warning signs of future abuse.
So let's start with red flags that you might see early on in the relationship.
And often with the women I work with,
And it's the same for men,
You see the signs,
It doesn't feel right,
But you'll excuse it or you'll think you're imagining it,
Something's wrong with you when really your gut feeling really knows and you just ignore it.
So here are a few examples.
The person wants to go fast in the relationship,
Right?
They say I love you very quickly,
They want to be physical really quickly,
They talk really quickly about marriage and kids and moving in,
And a lot of women will think wow this person really loves me if they're talking about that and then they go into their imagination and make up stories around that and they fall hard in love with that person based on these little signs.
Another red flag is the person takes control fast and makes all the decisions.
So that too can be tricky because you're like wow it's so cool he picked the restaurant or she,
They're taking charge,
I like that,
I like being taken care of,
But it's not a healthy way of being taken care of so that's another red flag.
The person can be negative about everything,
You,
Your decisions,
Your friends,
Family,
And this usually is done in a subtle way,
Right?
When things are obvious it's,
It's,
You don't question yourself as much,
Right?
It's when the comments are more subtle.
So what's important is to pay attention to your gut feeling.
Does it just feel wrong?
If the person is not open to new ideas,
New opinions,
They're very rigid.
If they show signs of possessiveness and jealousy.
Again these are signs at the beginning we can misinterpret as wow this person really wants to be with me all the time,
They must love me,
And we misinterpret these signs as carrying,
As signs of romance,
Of attachment.
Notice if they're impatient if things don't go their way.
Notice how they treat the waiter or the waitress.
Notice how they treat other people,
Right?
Because these are really little signs that give you a hint about the person you're with.
They get easily,
They get mad easily then they act like nothing happened.
You know that let's sweep this under the carpet get over it that's also a red flag.
They're insecure but show excessive confidence.
They tend to blame others.
They lack respect for you or others.
They're controlling and they'll ask many many questions,
Right?
Ask about your past relationship to a degree that's like why do they want to know so much?
They have few close friends but many superficial acquaintances.
They can't tolerate being alone.
They're dependent on others including you and it could be turned around as you're the only one for me for example.
They run away from their responsibilities.
They're manipulative so they can play head games to get what they want,
Guilt trip,
Gas lighting where you're like I was pretty sure this is what I said or this is what I do.
Well you start questioning yourself.
Those are little signs of manipulation.
They take drugs or alcohol regularly or excessively.
They put you on a pedestal.
So if you have self-esteem issues it feels really good to be put on a pedestal.
I'm overly cautious when people put me on a pedestal because the only way is down.
So no one's perfect.
When people really idealize you and put you on a pedestal it's not a good sign.
No one's perfect.
Yeah it's not a good sign if you put people on a pedestal or people put you on a pedestal.
If they're ex-partners their past relationships are not good.
So the thing where it's difficult for people to identify red flags or actually they do see them but they ignore them usually is people who have self-esteem issues,
Confidence issues or have insecure or anxious attachments.
People with secure attachments are less likely to fall for these things and less likely to be manipulated although it can happen.
So people who are manipulative or are unhealthy you know they plug in to the person who's insecure who has low self-esteem,
Doubts themselves.
It's just a natural magnet and they can use your sensitivities to their advantage.
So here are a few questions that you could also ask yourself to detect if you're in an unhealthy relationship.
These are more warning signs.
Do you feel nervous around your boyfriend,
Girlfriend,
Partner?
Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid them getting angry or upset with you?
Do you feel pressured by them when it comes to sex?
Meaning can you say no freely and not feel guilty or they're so disappointed and then you feel insecure?
Are you scared of disagreeing with them?
So when I say all these things there's the obvious intense fear,
Scare,
You're shaking in your boots but I want you to also pay attention to this little fear right because abusive relationships are on a continuum.
So meaning when you're scared to disagree with them it's not necessarily shaking in your boots but like oh no we're gonna argue we're gonna fight where you can't just disagree freely.
Do they criticize you or humiliate you in front of other people?
Are they always checking up or questioning you about what you do without them?
Right beyond the so did you have fun with your friends?
Yeah what time are you there?
What did you eat?
You know gathering information like they're a detective because at some point they will use that information to see if you're going to contradict yourself.
Do they repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?
So you know if you have work colleagues that are men or if you're a lesbian women and they're jealous of your female colleagues.
If you're kind and funny and everybody likes you do they accuse you of flirting just because you're laughing with people?
Do they blame you by telling you that if you change if you didn't do what you did they wouldn't be doing what they did to you whether it's well if you didn't do this I wouldn't get angry at you if you didn't do that I wouldn't have to lie to you etc.
Where they blame you for stuff.
Does their jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family just because you can't handle the arguments?
Do they make you feel like you're wrong stupid crazy inadequate and some that you're actually wondering if you're going crazy or losing your mind?
Have they ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior and that's again not necessarily the obvious where they punch the wall right next to your face but little things you know like slamming the door off its hinges or throwing things really snapping really hard.
Do you often do things to please them rather to please yourself or to please them to buy peace?
Do they prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do basically that you have to be with them?
I recall I had a an aunt who was married to an abusive husband he wasn't physically abusive just very controlling jealous and I was like daughter to her and he was jealous of her love for me so if we were in the car and she was a singer I sing we put the music loud and we'd sing he'd tell us to stop or if she and I would giggle and laugh he would blast the music so we couldn't talk to each other.
So do you see how these are subtle it's not like screaming shut up and slap you across the face but subtle signs right she and I talk blast the radio and then we can't talk anymore because we can't hear each other and then limiting our contacts we could barely see us so he'd make plans so we wouldn't see each other and then dealing with the backlash wasn't worth it.
Do you feel that with them nothing you do is ever good enough so you're never good enough whatever you do is never good enough even you're never pretty enough you're never skinny enough you're never young looking enough you're never enough your cooking's not good enough you don't clean well enough etc.
Do they say that they'll kill or hurt themselves if you break up with them?
I know my uncle that's what he did my aunt was always scared he'd kill himself if she left him.
Do they make excuses for their behaviors for example by saying it's because of alcohol oh I was drunk or I drank or I was high or because they can't control their temper right well you know how I am or let's say they were abused as a child then they use that as an excuse or often a frequent one is I was just joking can't you take a joke so that especially with passive aggressive behavior calling you fat or anything and then they'll just go this is just a joke and then make you feel like you're the idiot.
So let's push this further now these are signs you're becoming a victim of abuse or you're already a victim of abuse you feel like you have to walk on eggshells to keep him or her from getting angry and you're frightened by their temper you feel like you can't live without him or her you stop seeing friends or family or give up activities you enjoy because he or she don't like it you're afraid to tell them your worries and feelings about the relationship basically you're avoiding fights you're avoiding the person will blow up or or even they don't need to blow up they could just give you the silent treatment another one I've seen with couples I work with one way the guy would punish his wife would start flirting with other women to make her insecure and remind her you know if you don't stay in line I can leave you.
Are you often compliant because you're afraid to hurt their feelings and have the urge to rescue them when they're troubled right like a poor little puppy.
You feel that you're the only one who can help them and that you should try to reform him or her.
You find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviors when you're treated badly right so he's tired you know he had a hard day at work his boss is on him obviously or her so you know they have anxiety they're very stressed they haven't slept in a week so making excuses for their bad behavior.
You stop expressing opinion your opinions if they don't agree with you so if you're partnering you know they're going to disagree with your opinion you withhold your opinion you stay because you feel he or she will kill themselves if you leave or some stay because you're scared that if and I've seen that often in narcissistic relationships the dad or mom is abusive to the partner mentally doesn't even have to be physical and they're scared to leave them because they know they're scared to leave their children they'll know there will be custody issues and they're terrified for their kids so they leave or they don't leave because they don't want to not be far from their kids and not be able to protect their children because narcissists can be really really emotionally abusive to children and not in the way that's obvious in a very very subtle way you know removing withholding love preferring one sibling over the other favoritism you know only that's always the same kid has to do the chores and the other kid doesn't so punishing children that way.
Believing that his or her jealousy is a sign of love that's a red flag jealousy is unhealthy it is not a healthy sign of love and the obvious if you've been kicked hit shoved or had things thrown at you by your partner when they're jealous or angry and I will add anytime you know people shouldn't do that too and in the criminal code even if someone just spits on you it's considered an assault throw things at you or even has a weapon but never used it so going to bed with a baseball bat saying it's for robbers but you're terrified because of the presence of a weapon near your bed and that's a very very subtle way to threaten your partner.
You believe that the critical things he or she says to make you feel bad about yourself so they say you're fat you're like yeah I am fat you're ugly you believe it you're stupid you're not as smart as the others so from the obviously abusive to the more subtle ways you know meaning a look that tells you they think you're not pretty or appealing.
You believe that there's something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he makes you do or she obviously you know whether things they make you do or you feel guilty or bad that you don't even want to have sex with that person instead of seeing it as a red flag if there's a reason I don't want to be intimate with this person because there's obviously trust issues.
You believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do that the man makes the decisions and the woman should please him.
Some people have been abused as a child or seen their moms being abused and that's a risk factor because this is the model you've learned and so you're at higher risk to think that to be attracted to these kinds of people.
So you've seen the signs the red flags at the beginning I talked about positive signs in a relationship.
You got to remember that you have rights your partner has rights you have rights but often when you're in an abusive relationship or an unhealthy relationship you tend to forget you have these rights.
You have the right to feel safe you have the right to feel loved to be respected to just be yourself you have the right to change your mind to have your needs met to say no without feeling guilty you have the right to change your mind.
Basically you have the right to be happy in your relationship and to feel safe.
You know I'll list you a bill of rights I use with my clients I have the right to define who I am deciding for myself independent of external demands of others I wish to spend my time and energy I have the right to set my own priorities to change my limits I have the right to make mistakes I have the right to my own feelings and opinions I have the right to my needs and not having to accept how others may define those needs.
You have the right to your boundaries what are your deal breakers you have the right to ask for what you want and to develop your own individual gifts and abilities you have the right to be listened to and to be taken seriously you have the right to be treated with respect as I was saying.
You have the right to choose to do things alone or with your friends you have the right to change a relationship as your needs change because you know especially a long-term relationship we grow we evolve you have the right to be told a relationship is changing and not to blame myself or change myself to keep it going I have the right to an equal relationship and not be dominated or dominate the other I have the right to my needs in a relationship expecting some of them to be met I have the right to be my own self without changing to suit my partner.
So that's it folks this is a quick one don't be shy to put questions in the chat I'll look back later on if you can make it live have a nice afternoon it's Wednesday and have a nice rest of the week take care.
For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.
Gina go to drmantragrano.
Com or click the link in the description of this episode.
Thank you.
You you you you you you
