Hi there,
I'm really glad you're joining me here today.
Today I want to talk about Resentment.
And what to do with resentment.
And this is part of my work here on Insight Timer.
Where I do weekly lives and I have courses about relationship conflict,
And how to bring our most beloved practices to heal ourselves around relationship conflict,
And to bring healing to the relationship as well.
So those of us who love mindfulness and compassion,
And we want to be connected to the present moment.
When resentment arises,
We may feel.
That it's wrong.
We may get into.
Self-attack.
Self-shame.
Self guilt.
And none of that helps.
On a recent live session.
I did on welcoming emotion.
A lot of questions came up about.
Resentment in the chat,
So it got me thinking.
What my own anger in my relationship with my husband has taught me only after years of struggle.
Is that the only way out,
The best way out,
Is through.
Even about feelings?
That are so difficult for us.
And that we think are wrong.
So let's try this for a moment.
Connect.
To a recent interaction you had with someone where you felt resentment.
Or something somebody did.
That brought up resentment for you and put yourself back there.
Think of that person who you're feeling resentful of.
And see if you can connect to and sense emotion sensations in the body.
What does resentment feel like right now in the body?
Maybe some tightness in the trunk.
Maybe some heat anywhere in the throat,
Around the face,
Or again around the chest or the belly.
And if you find.
.
.
Whatever you find.
That lets you know that resentment is present for you right now.
See if you can say.
.
.
Welcome resentment.
What this practice can do.
Is make us less triggered.
When we're trying not to feel our feelings,
They're much more likely to burst out.
You know,
Distraction and putting feelings aside,
Those are wonderful tools.
We need those.
There's so many things we have emotion and difficult thoughts about,
And we can't be connected to that all the time.
So putting feelings aside,
Suppression.
.
.
Distracting ourselves.
Those are good tools.
But they aren't good for us if there are only ways of dealing with difficult feelings and difficult thoughts.
We also need approach tools.
I have a section about this in my course,
Heal Emotions That Fuel Relationship Conflict,
That talks about the importance of approach tools,
And there's some practices there too that might interest you.
What was important for today,
For our time together right now,
Is that when you create more connection,
More space and awareness around difficult feelings,
You'll be less likely to be triggered.
Because a trigger is a surprise.
A trigger is when we are pushing feelings down,
And then something happens either externally another person says something,
Or who knows what happens around us,
Or internally,
We have one more thought,
Or one more experience inside,
And then the feeling that was there for a while bursts out And we are.
Suddenly behaving in a way that we'd rather not.
Including snapping at someone we love.
When we make room for resentment and anger,
We'll be much less likely to snap.
And this is a practice,
So every little bit.
Is meaningful and valuable the same way when you do a little bit of exercise it's wonderful for you.
And doing a little bit of exercise over and over.
A few days a week is even better.
And if you forget all about exercising,
You can still come back to it and start again.
So this work,
Too,
Is a practice in the very same way.
A little bit is wonderful.
And more regular practice is even better.
And if you forget,
You can always come back to it.
So the reason why we try to push away feelings like resentment and anger is that As I said before,
We attack ourselves for having these feelings,
But these are part of our humanity.
And this reminds me of some Jewish wisdom.
From the Baal Shem Tov.
The master of the good name,
Who was the creator of Chassidut,
Which is a central stream of Jewish mysticism that started,
I believe,
In the 1700s.
The Baal Shem Tov said,
And it was written by his students,
That a person needs to learn anger.
And not to be angry,
Which We are confused by those words sometimes.
We think we're not supposed to be angry.
But what do we mean?
Do we mean we're not supposed to feel angry?
Or we're not supposed to behave in a.
.
.
Explosively angry way,
Or in a mindlessly angry way.
So the Baal Shem Tov says we have to learn our anger.
Which means,
In my mind,
That we need to feel it and create space for it.
Because.
.
.
We're supposed to learn all our qualities.
We're supposed to be whole,
Writes the student of the Baal Shem Tov,
With all the qualities that the Divine Creator has.
The divine creator has compassion and mercy,
And also judgment,
Including harsh judgment,
Which is connected to anger.
So finding a way to be with our difficult feelings in a way that connects us to joy or to strength.
Is a deep practice.
That is even,
Says the Baal Shem Tov,
A practice of connecting to the divine.
And the way we move through difficult feelings rather than.
.
.
Pushing them away.
The way we move through them to something joyous or strengthening is by welcoming them?
And turning to the feeling and asking it what it wants.
You can find more about this on my profile.
At least one track that goes more into this practice,
And also in the chorus,
Heal emotions that fuel relationship conflict.
But let's do it just for a moment together now.
Connecting again to someone who you're feeling resentment towards,
Or to something that happened where you have resentment.
And really bringing that into your mind with all.
The senses,
Remembering what was said,
What you heard,
What you saw.
Any body sensations that were there for you then,
If you can connect to that.
But even more importantly,
Connecting to body sensations that come up with that now.
Or just your thoughts of resentment,
However it is alive for you.
And say,
If you can,
Welcome resentment.
You are part of my experience right now.
And if you can.
.
.
Say in an authentic way.
I know.
You want what's good for me.
Maybe the way you're going about it is not leading to anything good for me,
But I know resentment,
That you have good intentions for me.
So I want to hear you.
And take a moment with that.
Welcome,
Resentment.
I want to hear you.
See how that feels.
The next question to ask resentment or any difficult feeling that arises for you.
Is.
What do you want?
Resentment may want you to be safe or happy.
Resentment may want you.
To be loved.
Or peaceful.
When you ask a feeling what it wants,
The first thing that comes up may feel vague,
It may feel not so pretty.
And that's okay.
You can thank the emotion for telling you,
And keep asking.
So you may want to take some more time with this.
Even after this track ends,
To just be with resentment.
With welcome.
Listening to what it wants.
With no need to do anything about it.
Just as with any meditation,
Any thought that comes up is part of the meditation.
There's nothing we need to do.
Once you become connected to your own wisdom in this way.
You may or may not decide to do something different with the resentment.
Or a decision may flow for you that feels right.
But this work is just between you and you.
Welcoming the resentment with compassion for yourself.
And with curiosity.
What do you want?
Thank you so much for being here with me.
If you want to learn more,
Check out that course,
Or come to my weekly lives,
Where there's a lovely feeling of community that Insight Timer somehow creates.
It's wondrous.
It's wonderful.
Ah,
Part of the wonder of it is that.
We're talking about things that no one talks about.
Conflict,
Especially,
My listeners tell me,
Especially conflict in marriage or long-term romantic partnership of that kind,
Is something that we have so much shame about.
That we don't talk about it.
And then we're alone.
And we don't benefit from each other's wisdom and closeness.
So I'm so glad you chose to be here today with me.
And I hope to see you again.
Be well.
