03 What Do You Want? Desire And Ambivalence (John 5:1-9)

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03 What Do You Want? Desire And Ambivalence (John 5:1-9)

by Mark Gladman

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Jesus repeatedly asks people questions about what they want, what they are looking for, what they desire, and whether they want to be changed. We often assume spirituality means learning to suppress desire. But I think Jesus was inviting us to something more difficult: to become honest about our desires. Not every desire is from God, not every desire should be acted upon, but neither should every desire be silenced. Our desires can reveal wounds, fears, loves, attachments, our vocations, and sometimes beneath all of that, the movement of God within us. This series is not about getting what you want, but about learning to answer honestly when you are asked "What do you want?" In today's episode, we take time to ask ourselves whether we actually want the life we are asking God to give us. What happens when what we are asking would require us to leave behind an identity we have lived with for years?

Spirituality Desire Change Identity Healing Personal Growth Fear Christianity Spiritual Guidance Resistance To Change Identity Exploration Healing Process Fear Of Change

Meet your Teacher

Queensland, Australia

Meet your Teacher

Queensland, Australia

Transcript

Hello friends, This is Mark Gladman, Also known as Brother Frederick James, Your friendly neighbourhood monk in dogs. Welcome back. To our series, What Do You Want? Yesterday, We began with Jesus' question, What are you looking for? And we began to notice that sometimes the things we're pursuing aren't always the things that we most deeply desire. There's layers to our wanting. What we think we want. What we're hoping. That thing will give us and then underneath all that something much deeper. Today we're going to go. . . Another step further because sometimes we know what we want. We know exactly how we'd like to change. We know what we're asking God for. And yet, There can still be something in us that doesn't quite want to change. In John's Gospel, Again, Jesus encounters a man who's been ill for 38 years. He's lying beside a pool in Jerusalem. He's been there a long time and Jesus sees him. And then Jesus asks him a question. He says, Do you want to be made well? And again of all the things Jesus could ask him. Like how did this happen? Or who's responsible? Or would you like me to help you? No, No. Do you want to be made well? And it seems like a really strange, Almost uncomfortable question. Of course he wants to be made well. That's why he's there. He's been living with this for 38 years. He's always trying to get in the pool. Why wouldn't he want to be healed? Jesus asks and so I think there's possibly something very important in that question because Sometimes we assume that wanting change and being ready for change. Have the same thing. But I'm not convinced that they are. So before we go any further, Let's just listen. To that passage read to us from the Gospel of John. And we're reading from chapter 5 verses 1 to 9. After this there was a festival of the Jews and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In Jerusalem, By the Sheep Gate, There's a pool called in Hebrew, Beth Zatha. Which has five porticos, And in these lay many invalids, Blind, Lame, Paralyzed. And one man. Was there who'd been ill for 38 years. And when Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he'd been there a long time, He said to him, Do you want to be made well? The sick man answered him, Sir. I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up. And while I'm making my way, Someone else steps down ahead of me. Jesus said to him, Stand up. Take your meds. And war. And at once the man was made well known. And he took up his mat and began. To war. Okay, So think about something in your own life that you wish were different. Maybe it's a relationship or work. Maybe it's something about the way you live or a habit or something you've carried for years. Maybe you've even prayed about it. You've asked God to change it or heal it or take it away. But what would it actually mean if that thing changed? Because our wounds. . . Can become familiar, Our patterns can become comfortable. Our disappointments. Can become part of our identity. We can begin to know who we are by the things that have happened to us. I'm the person whose marriage ended. I'm the person who was overlooked. I'm the person who always gets anxious. I'm the person who has to look after everyone. I'm the person who never quite succeeds. I'm the person who's been hurt. I'm the person who's been disappointed by God. And after a while, All of those things stop being things. That happened to us. And they become part of the story we tell. About ourselves. What would happen if Jesus actually changed it? What would happen if the thing you've been asking him to change was suddenly no longer there? Who would you be? What would you have to do? What would you have to leave behind? What would you have to take responsibility for? Sometimes the familiar can feel safer than the unknown, Even when the familiar hurts us. At least we know how to live there, Right? We know how to navigate it. We know what people expect from us, We know how to explain ourselves, But healing, Oh gosh, That can take us somewhere we've never been before, And sometimes that can be frightening. And this is why I think Jesus' question is so much more compassionate than it first appears. Do you want to be made well? He's not accusing. The man? Or blaming him. But he wants him to take some time to think about this, A moment of complete honesty. Because before we can move towards something new, Sometimes we have to acknowledge what we actually want and that we actually want it. And there's another layer here too. Sometimes we say we want one thing. While our lives are organised around something else. We say we want peace. But we organise our lives around constantly having to achieve. We can say we want freedom, But we keep saying yes to things. Because we're afraid of disappointing people. We say we want deeper relationships. But then we never make ourselves vulnerable. We say we want to pray. But then we fill every quiet moment with noise. We say we want to know ourselves, But we rarely stop long enough to listen. We say we want change. But we keep protecting the patterns. That prevent it. And let me be clear, I'm not saying you're hypocritical and I'm hypocritical. This isn't hypocrisy. This is being human. Most of us contain competing desires. One part of us wants to move forward, Another part wants to stay safe. One part wants freedom, The other one part wants control. One part wants intimacy, Another's terrified. Of being none. On part once God. And another one wants to remain in charge. The question here isn't just what do I want, It's which desire am I actually willing to organize my life around? Because desire. Becomes significant when it starts to shape our choices. It's easy to say, I want to be healthier. But it's different to change the way you live. How many people do you know? I want to be healthier, But they just won't change what they're eating or their exercise regimen. Likewise, It's easy to say I want deeper friendships. But it's a big difference to risk being vulnerable. It's easy to say, I want to know God, But it's different to create space for silence. It's easy to say, I want a different life, But it's very different to begin living differently. The man at the pool. Is eventually told to get up, Take his mat, And walk. And again, There's something beautiful in those words. There's no new experience being given here. It's a new possibility. Walk, Move, Live, Step into a life that wasn't available to you before. And I think that's what our desires might ultimately be for. It's not just to make us feel, But to move us. That genuine desire. Can become an invitation that says there's something more here. There's a way of living that's more alive. There's a part of you. That's asking to be awakened, And then. Becomes the difficult question. Am I willing? To move. Because after Jesus says. . . Take your mat and walk. The man still has to. Get up. Take his mat. And war. And that's why I want to encourage you. Not to be frightened. Maya desires. Pay attention to them. Especially those ones that keep. Popping up keep returning don't Automatically obey them either, But listen. Ask questions, Bring them before God. Ask what's underneath them. Ask what they're asking of you. Ask with or following them. Would make you more free or less free, More loving or less loving, More alive or less alive. Sometimes you'll discover that the desire itself needs healing. Sometimes you'll discover that you've been asking the wrong thing. And sometimes you might even discover that Something deep within you has been trying to get your attention for a very long time. Very long time. So again, Think about something in your life that you wish were different. Something you've prayed about or complained about. Maybe even you've just imagined changing. Now imagine just for one moment. That Jesus turns around to you and says, This. It can change. You can be free of this. You can move beyond this. You can become someone different. What happens inside you? What did you feel? Relief? Excitement? Fear? Resistance even. Maybe all four or something else completely. Pay attention to that. There might be something there worth listening to. It's a question about whether you're ready for the life that comes with what it is you're asking for. So today, The question to carry with you, To sit with, Think of one area of your life where you're asking for change. And then imagine Jesus looking at you with complete compassion. Deep Love. And asking, Do you really want this to change? And then go deeper, Because maybe that's where the real question lies, If this changed. What would I have to become? And then finally, What do I really want? And am I willing to live differently? In order to receive it. And may grace, Peace and love go with us and remain with us as we continue to ponder that question. Today. And always.